# Do you require proof of life from anyone? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 23, 2013, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941 "2013-08-23T03:08:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/21 "2013-08-23T15:58:23Z")
> [@White SIFL](#): > > They would probably think, “Did you really listen to that crap?” Indeed! ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/22 "2013-08-23T16:13:01Z")
I think the key is adjusting your expectations to what is normal for you specific kid. I hear from my son every couple of weeks, if it goes longer I will text him. Radical I know but texts (and phone calls and visits etc) work both ways. With my daughter if I don’t hear from her at least once a week I check in with her. Not because she needs a shorter leash but because she communicates with me regularly and a week long silence is unusual. She texted me last night to say “hey forgot my charger so I won’t be in touch this week while I’m out of town” My son did the same thing when he joined a tree planting crew in Northern Manitoba except his was “no cell service for the next 6 weeks, talk to you when I hit civilization” This is the kind of consideration I appreciate - when something out of the ordinary is going on let me know so I don’t worry. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/23 "2013-08-23T16:15:56Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > My mom sends me pathetic passive-aggressive emails once a month or so, “Just checking if you’re still alive!” Don’t do that. There’s no way to request this without sounding (and being) pathetic. If he turns up missing, his friends will report it to the police, who will call _you_. > > So basically, chill the frack out! I HATE this. If you want to be in touch at least make the email you send useful. I hate calling people who are going to spend the entire time complaining about how long it’s been since I’ve called. Seriously do you wonder why? LISTEN to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/24 "2013-08-23T16:18:12Z")
> [@PSXer](#): > > don’t nag him OMG, I actually agree with one of your posts. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/25 "2013-08-23T16:19:21Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > My mom sends me pathetic passive-aggressive emails once a month or so, “Just checking if you’re still alive!” Don’t do that. There’s no way to request this without sounding (and being) pathetic. If he turns up missing, his friends will report it to the police, who will call _you_. > > So basically, chill the frack out! I don’t know your mom so I can’t tell her intentions but that seems more humorous than passive aggressive. I might send a similar text to my son if I haven’t seen him in a month or so, though he usually comes over on Sundays for dinner. My mother never called me except on my birthday and that really gave me the feeling that she didn’t care that much about my life or what I was doing. She had a more overbearing mother so she overcompensated by showing too little interest. I don’t see a problem with letting adult children know you’re thinking of them, they’ll appreciate it someday. I don’t think once a month is too often to contact adult children. It’s sad that families are so emotionally distant from each other in our society. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/26 "2013-08-23T16:38:11Z")
> [@Zulema](#): > > I don’t know your mom so I can’t tell her intentions but that seems more humorous than passive aggressive. I might send a similar text to my son if I haven’t seen him in a month or so, though he usually comes over on Sundays for dinner. > > My mother never called me except on my birthday and that really gave me the feeling that she didn’t care that much about my life or what I was doing. She had a more overbearing mother so she overcompensated by showing too little interest. > > I don’t see a problem with letting adult children know you’re thinking of them, they’ll appreciate it someday. I don’t think once a month is too often to contact adult children. It’s sad that families are so emotionally distant from each other in our society. Then let them know you’re thinking of them, not what they should be doing for you. I send my kids articles I’ve read that I think they’ll find interesting, I write to them about what is going on in the family and I send them photos of the dogs doing stupid dog things. This is a pretty big trigger to me overall - I never had a call with my mother or grandmother (Dad’s mom so not genetic) that didn’t include a complaint about how long it had been since I called them or visited them or wrote to them. It’s the only thing I remember about communications with them. I don’t remember happy conversations or shared moments just their unending passive aggressive swipes that whatever I was doing it was never enough. For gods sake if you want to communicate with your kids - communicate! Don’t whine about them not communicating or set rules for how much they must communicate. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/27 "2013-08-23T16:42:18Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > Then let them know you’re thinking of them, not what they should be doing for you. I send my kids articles I’ve read that I think they’ll find interesting, I write to them about what is going on in the family and I send them photos of the dogs doing stupid dog things. > > This is a pretty big trigger to me overall - I never had a call with my mother or grandmother (Dad’s mom so not genetic) that didn’t include a complaint about how long it had been since I called them or visited them or wrote to them. It’s the only thing I remember about communications with them. I don’t remember happy conversations or shared moments just their unending passive aggressive swipes that whatever I was doing it was never enough. > > For gods sake if you want to communicate with your kids - communicate! Don’t whine about them not communicating or set rules for how much they must communicate. Very well put! I would have even put up with their stupid forwards over the complaints. I’m going through this with my dad. I call him weekly, but if, say, I get really busy and two weeks go by, I’m guaranteed to hear a whine and/or a complaint about how he’s really lonely and no one calls him. Jesus god almighty! I am not responsible for your social life! Go out and make one! I am - I am living my life. And your whining does not make me want to call you again. Actually, then the longer I go, the less I want to call because I know I will hear a complete. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2013, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/28 "2013-08-23T19:08:23Z")
My parents had email long before I did and when I was away at university, this is how they would contact me. Sometimes it was to see if I was still alive (they would hide behind one question or another but that’s what it really was). Even now, if I don’t respond to a text within 24 hours, they will panic a little. It’s actually kinda nice knowing that I am that loved. (Apparently, I am a weirdo.) ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2013, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/29 "2013-08-24T01:08:59Z")
During finals freshmen year I went a few _days_ without checking my voicemail; this resulting in the grad student that supervised the RAs showing up at my door and pleading with me to call my mother. She’d completely bypassed the university and went strait to calling the local police terrified I was dead. :rolleyes: In retrospect I’m surprised she didn’t drive down to the campus in person. The entire time my father kept trying to tell her I was probably really busy with exams. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![chizzuk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@chizzuk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chizzuk)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2013, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/30 "2013-08-24T02:58:02Z")
My parents expect to hear from us once every week or two at least, or they start worrying. Just a very short e-mail is enough (they both write once a week), but my mom in particular gets upset if she doesn’t hear from us at least that often. I don’t find it particularly intrusive. I had a friend whose mom called 3-4x per day. Now THAT was intrusive. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2013, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/31 "2013-08-24T03:17:40Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > This is a pretty big trigger to me overall - I never had a call with my mother or grandmother (Dad’s mom so not genetic) that didn’t include a complaint about how long it had been since I called them or visited them or wrote to them. It’s the only thing I remember about communications with them. I don’t remember happy conversations or shared moments just their unending passive aggressive swipes that whatever I was doing it was never enough. Gah, my grandmother was like this, it didn’t matter if I had called her earlier THAT DAY, she would still complain. She also liked to end the call by speculating that she would likely be dead before the next time I called. ---
**Author:** ![Glazer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a88e57/32.png) [@Glazer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Glazer)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2013, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/32 "2013-08-24T03:39:11Z")
> [@JBDivmstr](#): > > I’ve always been one of those, ‘I’m fine! When I start calling, is when you need to start worrying!’ kind of kids, when I was growing up. And that generally proved to be true, more often than not. It _ **still** _ didn’t keep my Dad from trying to ‘track me down’, if he hadn’t heard from me in the last 4-5 days (a week, at the most). This continued until he passed away, right before Thanksgiving, 2012. > I’ll be _ **53** _, this year. :smack: > Yeah, it was a little ‘irritating’ back when I was 20-something, single, ‘footloose’, living on my own, working and ‘doing my own thing’. > (Especially so, during the times that I lived in a _ **completely different** _ city.:smack:) > It wasn’t like he demanded a detailed ‘update’ of my life, and a specific location where I could be found, if necessary. He generally just wanted to hear my voice, so that he would know that I was still ‘alive and kicking’ and not locked up, or in any kind of serious trouble. > (And Og knows, the only reason I’m still alive today, is due to my dumb luck, quick wits and reflexes, intelligence, ‘winning personality’ and the ability to meet and make friends, easily.😃 Oh, wait… I almost forgot… And ‘modesty’.;)) > > What I gradually came to realize though was, it was simply ‘love’. 🙂 > So, yeah… call him every 3-5 days to say, (if nothing else) “You doin’ alright?” (or get him to realize that **he** , _ **should call you** _, at least once a week or so) > The way my Dad did it was, if he had to call me, he would ‘bitch about me not calling’, for a few minutes. > After I figured out that if I called him _ **first** _, at least once a week, (so that he didn’t have to try to find me, first) all he needed was to hear me say, > “How ya doin’, Pop? I’m ok. Love ya’, talk to you next week.” 🆒 > (I surely do miss that, now.) ☹ > YMMV 😉 > > So, to answer the OP… Yeah, ‘proof of life’, once a week or so, is a comfort, if not an outright neccessity. Just e-mail him this post. But what do I know. I left home at 18 and never spoke to those people again. My Drill Sargent hated me 'cause I was so fucking happy to be there. And I don’t have kids. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2013, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/33 "2013-08-28T20:45:02Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Very well put! I would have even put up with their stupid forwards over the complaints. I’m going through this with my dad. I call him weekly, but if, say, I get really busy and two weeks go by, I’m guaranteed to hear a whine and/or a complaint about how he’s really lonely and no one calls him. > > Jesus god almighty! I am not responsible for your social life! Go out and make one! I am - I am living my life. And your whining does not make me want to call you again. Actually, then the longer I go, the less I want to call because I know I will hear a complete. My dad just did this to me again today. He went apartment hunting so he specifically told me: don’t call me until I get back. He was gone until Sunday. I am really, really busy right now, so it was today (Wednesday) before I called him. And at the end, I got a passive-aggressive swipe that I hadn’t called in “so long”. It does not make me want to call him, let me tell you. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2013, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/34 "2013-08-29T01:12:51Z")
**ducati** , With so many parents, who are not active in their kids lives, I think it’s great that you’ve been so active. Really cool. But your son is now 18 and needs to learn to make mistakes on his own without his father ready to rescue him. This means that he needs that freedom without checking in daily. Can you find something else to shift your passion to? Big Brother or another organization that helps kids without fathers? ---
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2013, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/35 "2013-08-29T02:43:35Z")
Well, I have a daughter who doesn’t want to be seen with me, so I have that going for me, which is nice. Maybe I’ll go bother her. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2013, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/36 "2013-08-29T04:32:47Z")
I’ve had interviews for good jobs that were so perfunctory that I called them “Is he white?” interviews. I’ve had interviews for bad jobs that were so perfunctory that I called them “Is he alive?” interviews. So yeah, somebody need proof of life. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2013, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/37 "2013-08-29T05:15:32Z")
When I was a teen, calling was too expensive so we wrote letters. Did same all through the military, letters were the cheap way for any communication. Email & Facebook are the most common with my siblings …now. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2013, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/38 "2013-08-30T00:09:21Z")
I prefer the P-38. Two engines for that extra margin of safety, guns in the nose, great range and twice the pretty sound! ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2013, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/39 "2013-08-30T02:53:45Z")
> [@Zulema](#): > > I don’t know your mom so I can’t tell her intentions but that seems more humorous than passive aggressive. When my grandmother would pull that, it was totally passive-aggressive. If we were extra busy and didn’t go over or at least call twice through the week, you could set your clock by the phone ringing at 8am on Saturday. She’d say hello, and then there would be this long, watery, quavering sigh followed by “I just wanted to make sure you were alive” in the most pitiful voice imaginable. You’d think from her tone that she hadn’t heard from us since we contracted the plague a couple years earlier, although it had been at most 8 or 9 days since we’d been to her house and we’d probably called at least once since then. She never, ever called us and said “I just wanted to see how you were doing” or “I hadn’t talked to you in a while and wanted to check in” or “I just wanted to hear your voice.” It was always, always, ALWAYS the freakin’ guilt trip. It got to the point that my brother and I would turn the ringers off on the phones in our rooms to get out of having to answer those calls. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2013, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941/40 "2013-08-30T03:13:55Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Notice that you’re writing as if you’re always the one holding the leash and not the one being held. Assuming they’re still around, how often do you check in with _your_ parents to let them know you’re alive? 😉 That’s a good post. I don’t call my mom terribly often and yet I know I’d like it if my kids (oldest starts college next week!) called more often. Most likely they’ll do exactly what I modeled for them with my own parents. ☹ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-require-proof-of-life-from-anyone/666941.md?page=3)