# Do you support relationships with big age gaps? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 5, 2013, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409 "2013-02-05T18:47:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/41 "2013-02-06T02:52:11Z")
58 and 21=no There are a lot of grey areas, but that one is easy. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/42 "2013-02-06T02:59:36Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Meh. Every gnarly situation has a few examples where, for whatever reason, it actually works out for the best. Some people find their purpose of life in prison. Some people find their careers through their drug dealers. Some people get rich off the lottery. Just because it works sometimes doesn’t mean it’s a good idea in general. Like at any other time of life, it’s a good idea if you know who you are and who you want to spend your life with. She’s hardly the only person I know who married ‘too young’ yet things have worked out just fine over the decades. Sure, on the whole, people who get married in their late teens and early 20s are more likely to regret it than people who wait until somewhat later, but we’re talking a drop-off of probably 10-20 percentage points in the likelihood that a marriage will last X years, not a drop-off to a snowball’s chance in hell. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/43 "2013-02-06T02:59:42Z")
> [@Orca\_Eyes](#): > > I’m not a fan of the whole May-December thing. It kinda creeps me out. My beloved SO is 20 years older than me. I don’t really care that it creeps you out. I know that he is probably going to die before I do. Heck, I nursed him through heart surgery. I got him to climb 3 flights of stairs with the promise of sex. Doctors orders, that 😃 We have talked about this a lot, you have NO idea the soul searching we both did before we let our hearts make the choice. I love him and I’m happy with my choice. He says that he loves me and he seems to be happy as well. If we notice someone giving us stink eye because we are holding hands, we just laugh and shake our heads. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/44 "2013-02-06T03:40:01Z")
> [@dba\_Fred](#): > > She soldiered on as best she could until the situation resolved itself: mother-in-law required care in a nursing facility and husband passed away but she kept him going long enough to see their daughter graduate from college. > I hope she’s catching up on the years of fun and happiness and experiences she missed. > > I would never want to put a person in the situation and circumstances she had to endure. > In general, without being privy to all the details, I would counsel against relationships with big age gaps. I’m inclined to agree with you. My husband is 22 years older than I am. 2 weeks after we got together, he had emergency surgery and it’s been one health thing after another ever since. If we weren’t so amazing instantly “cosmically” in love, it wouldn’t have been worth it. We were and are, so it is. But knowing the odds of any two people having that amazing sort of bond, and the odds of that bond lasting, I would have to say that if you’re not in love yet, if it’s just this guy or girl who asked you out so you can see how it goes, I would recommend looking elsewhere. But if there’s love, there’s love. Love knows no bounds of age, that’s for sure. When you fall in love at 35, you feel 16 inside. Apparently, the same is true of falling in love at 57. For me, that love makes the hard times and the worry worth it, and that love happened far sooner than I expected it to. And when two (or more) people find love, I ain’t getting in the way of that. I think love, however it manifests, should be encouraged and supported. So, now that we’re bonded, I either break it off now and break two hearts (not going to happen), or I wait and he’ll probably die before I’m 50, and then only my heart will be broken. Either way, statistically, I’m looking at probably living the last third of my life without him. ☹ Or, y’know, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. One never knows. > [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > I would be less cynical about old guy/younger woman if I had met even one where they guy wasn’t well-off. > . _waves_ Hi. He’s ugly, too. And no drugs. I know, I can pick 'em, right? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/45 "2013-02-06T04:14:09Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > I don’t judge if the older partner is black. They don’t age. Black people have found a way to suspend time?!? That’s awesome! I’m of the “two consenting adults, not my business” club, too. If she’s a gold-digging hot young thing going after the rich older man or an aging cougar chasing after hot young guys, or a 50 year old guy going through a midlife crisis with a Porsche and a 20 year old girlfriend, I don’t care - two consenting adults\*, not my business. \*People are adults at 18 in Alberta. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/46 "2013-02-06T07:51:29Z")
My partner is exactly 20 years younger than I am. Same birthday. The age difference is very much a positive thing; we both have evolved in ways we wouldn’t have with people the same age. ---
**Author:** ![listedmia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e0b2c6/32.png) [@listedmia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/listedmia)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/47 "2013-02-06T08:09:57Z")
I’m 23, my old man is 42. I love him to death. I’m pretty much an old lady on the inside and he’s fairly immature so it evens out. When we first got together, people talked a lot, but they eventually realized we work well together. I like that he’s pretty much done with drama and head games, and he treats me a lot better than guys my age have. That said, we’re most likely not going to have children, because I have kind of a fear of him dying while they’re still young. Honestly, I’m messed up enough that I don’t trust myself to be a great parent at this point, either. (Also, btw, we make pretty much the same amount of money. It’s nice to date someone who isn’t a total deadbeat for once. I’m sick of being the sugar mama.) ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/48 "2013-02-06T08:31:45Z")
Would someone please explain to this old guy - I really would like to know - then I could die content. Where the HELL do people get off “dis-approving” how other people (who you don’t even know) chose to pair up? You don’t like it when an apple loves an orange. Did either of them ask? What business is it of yours!? And people think religion makes them better people. That is SCARY - if you are this much of an ass WITH religion, I don’t want to see you without. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/49 "2013-02-06T08:39:16Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > Would someone please explain to this old guy - I really would like to know - then I could die content. > > Where the HELL do people get off “dis-approving” how other people (who you don’t even know) chose to pair up? You can find something dysfunctional or weird without thinking anyone should particularly care about your opinion of it. > [@](#): > > You don’t like it when an apple loves an orange. Did either of them ask? What business is it of yours!? > > And people think religion makes them better people. That is SCARY - if you are this much of an ass WITH religion, I don’t want to see you without. …what? ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/50 "2013-02-06T09:42:22Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > I married a much older woman. I never let her forget about that 3 month age difference. My other half is six weeks younger than me. When we first got together, my coworkers started calling me a cougar. ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 11:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/51 "2013-02-06T11:45:30Z")
At age 34, I started dating an 18 year old. The relationship lasted 27 months, ending 15 months ago. When we had reached our one year anniversary, I started an “Ask The \_\_” Thread here. It quickly became a “Tell The \_\_” Thread. As the Thread progressed, the “whatever works for you” people started coming out of the woodwork- but they didn’t join the Thread until after seeing me take some healthy abuse first. I won’t link the Thread so as not to have it Zombied but you can find it in ATMB listed in the “Ask the . . . Anthology” sticky. I did notice that the Thread has already been bumped a couple of times with people asking for an update. I didn’t subscribe to the Thread so I didn’t know it had gotten bumped until the Anthology Thread was posted- by that time the Thread had died again so I did not revive it to post an update. So, this post here can serve as my update: I had never dated anyone significantly younger than me before, in fact most of my long-ish relationships had been with women a few years older than me. We met at a show that I performed at but she hadn’t known me long enough to be looking at me through the eyes of a “fan”. She was just about to start college locally- which was local to where she had grown up. Her closest friends all were going away to college, so she was looking to establish a brand new social life anyway. I first contacted her because I needed a drum and bass duo for a show I was emceeing. None of the drummers I knew well were available. She and I had already connected on MySpace (WAY back in MySpace days) and her page had links to her YouTube page with many drumming videos- and she’s an excellent drummer. She wasn’t available for the show I needed her for but asked to be kept in the loop. I let her know about a different event for which I was working the door. When she showed up at that event, I was actually quite taken by surprise that it seemed she wanted me to ask her out. She stayed until the end of the event that night and we went to an all night diner afterward. Next time we got together it was for a completely non-ambiguous date. We ended up dating for, as stated above, 27 months. We talked about the age difference early in the relationship. I told her I didn’t want to just dismissively assert that “age makes no difference”. Every relationship between two people is different from every other relationship between two people- and there would be aspects of our relationship that were different specifically because of the age difference. Of course, we agreed that there would _also_ be aspects of our relationship where the age difference wouldn’t matter at all. I loved her and told her so, but let her know that although I wanted to see the relationship last for a long happy time I didn’t think it was realistic for it to be a forever thing. I was her first significant boyfriend, and it just never fit with my personal feelings about how things “ought to be” that an 18 year old should stay with her first boyfriend for the rest of her life. I had no intention of planning the end of the relationship, no intention of sabotaging the relationship, but I told her I believed it made sense that she would have other romances in her future. She agreed that when thinking about it rationally and critically that it probably wasn’t a forever kind of a thing but she also wanted to move forward with it and let it play out. The next 27 months were wonderful. We had plenty in common despite the age difference, we both love music and movies. She had never limited her interests to the newest offerings. Her favorite movie is _Blazing Saddles_, her favorite musician is Alice Cooper. She was already a well versed rock/pop historian and she filled as many gaps in my knowledge as I did for her. She played drums with me at three different gigs- two duo shows with me on guitar and vocals, and one band show that we did as a “Chirstmas Special” with friends. For the first year and a half most of the new friends she made were my friends. The college she was going to was very much a commuter school and she found it difficult to make friends there. Eventually she started feeling more comfortable going to music shows on her own (I work nights, five nights a week) and as she started doing this she began making new friends on her own- meeting people at shows then connecting on Facebook then meeting the same people out at future shows. I had said that I had no intention of planning the end of the relationship or sabotaging it, but it’s hard to know if it doesn’t happen as a self-fulfilling prophecy to acknowledge at the start of a relationship that it wouldn’t be a forever thing. I do know that I was always keenly aware of a hope that she would be the one to end it- I hated the idea of me dumping her. For the entire relationship we never really talked about anything in terms of the far off future. There were a few trips and events that we planned up to six months or so in advance, but that was the extent of future planning. Nearing our two year anniversary, a conversation arose that addressed marriage. This was not a “planning marriage” conversation, just a “what do you think about marriage” conversation. That part of the conversation went well: I told her that I do want to find myself in a long-lasting strong life partnership but it wasn’t important to me whether or not it was a legal marriage. We had this conversation in a very open manner that acknowledged our longheld recognition that we might not be each other’s forever, but we also remained honestly open about our recognition that we had a wonderful strong relationship and that time could prove that we would beat the odds as our relationship was continuing to grow. Then, unprovoked, I took the conversation one step farther: Two years together and this was our first conversation about marriage- nothing at all wrong with that since she was so young and in no hurry to get married. But talking about marriage made me realize that we had never in two years talked about kids- again, we were not going to be making any _plans_ regarding kids so there was no pressing need to talk about it. Despite there being no pressing need, I felt compelled to volunteer information on the matter. I knew full well that I would not ever want to have kids. Since I knew it, it kind of felt like a “Lie of Omission” to not bring it out into the open. I honestly had no idea how she would react- she had never talked about kids and had never taken much interest in other people’s kids. Well, she was shocked to hear that I didn’t want kids. She had never imagined that I might not want kids. She knew that she would definitely want kids and it was a major blow to her to find that we would not be on the same page on that matter. She didn’t want kids tomorrow, she didn’t want kids next year or two years from now or three years from now but she definitely knew that she wanted kids. That evening she had a hard time dealing with the revelation, but we talked and reminded ourselves that we were always following our relationship into each new day as it came and that it wasn’t an issue of immediate concern. After that evening things seemed fine but she did start to grow distant and more aloof. After another three months, she broke up with me. She said that she still felt like she could be in a happy relationship without _having to know_ that it would be a forever thing, but that she couldn’t be in a relationship _knowing that it wouldn’t be_ a forever thing. We had a few months of a “transitional period” finding a happy post-breakup friendship, but ever since we got through that transitional period our friendship has been great. She has remained friends with my friends- my friends still invite her to various gatherings and there have been plenty that she attended that I wasn’t able to attend. She’s continued to make friends on her own and I have hung out with her and a new friend from the past year that she spends most of her social adventures with. I haven’t dated anyone new yet. She dated one guy for a short while (older than her but younger than me). Her new friend that she spends a lot of time with is a guy (her age) but I don’t see it becoming romantic (she says there’s no romantic potential and she has always related better with guys so it’s no surprise that her closest friend is a guy). Our friendship is strong and dependable now and I see us being very important to one another for the rest of our lives. She’ll be 22 this month. We dated from when she was 18 and a half (I was 34) until she was just a few months shy of her 21st birthday (I was nearing 37). I did kinda make me do a faceslap that we broke up just before she turned 21, there had always been cool things happening that we couldn’t do because she wasn’t 21 and couldn’t get into the venue. I was really looking forward to that not being an issue. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/52 "2013-02-06T17:30:40Z")
> [@Orca\_Eyes](#): > > I posted this on another forum that I frequent. > > My mum’s sister’s ex-husband is 58, and he’s engaged to a 21-year-old woman. That’s a big difference - his fiancee is four years younger than his daughter, who got married herself last month. Plus he’s older than his fiancee’s mother and around the same age as her father. > > I’m not a fan of the whole May-December thing. It kinda creeps me out. > > Have any of you met any couples 18 or more years apart? I had a relationship that was both warm and hot with a 50 year old woman when I was 33. That’s 17 years, close to the 18 that you stipulated. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/53 "2013-02-06T17:35:17Z")
Not my business, but I’m not going to pretend that 58-21 isn’t weird and unlikely to turn out well. There’s no comparison between that an an eight-year difference. Eight years, beyond a certain point, is nothing. I’m 41, does it really matter if my girlfriends is 33 or 38? Nah. But I wouldn’t date a 21-year-old. It’s just not a smart bet. ---
**Author:** ![Delayed\_Reflex](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/delayed_reflex/32/3172_2.png) [@Delayed\_Reflex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Delayed_Reflex)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2013, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/54 "2013-02-06T17:37:36Z")
I actually think that the “Divide by 2 + 7” rule actually holds up quite well even for “older people,” in that if the couple falls within that age gap I wouldn’t think twice about it. Outside of that range, it can still work obviously but I’d be more likely to see it as skeevy. ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/55 "2013-02-07T01:21:28Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > You can find something dysfunctional or weird without thinking anyone should particularly care about your opinion of it. > …what? Many who are the most offensively judgmental use religion to justify their position. Phelps, Osama bin Ladin, Jack Chick… Compare and contrast that effect of religion with the concept that “my religion makes me a better person”. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/56 "2013-02-07T01:29:27Z")
> [@usedtobe](#): > > Many who are the most offensively judgmental use religion to justify their position. > Phelps, Osama bin Ladin, Jack Chick… > > Compare and contrast that effect of religion with the concept that “my religion makes me a better person”. Yes, I’m well aware of religion being used in that way, I’m just not aware of anyone else here talking about religion. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/57 "2013-02-07T02:13:20Z")
If both parties involved are consenting adults, it’s none of my business. My mom was a cougar before they had a word for it 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/58 "2013-02-07T03:15:21Z")
**Do you support relationships with big age gaps?** Not up to me to support or oppose\* the concept itself\*. Whether _one specific relationship_ gives me an uncomfortable vibe would be a case-by-case thing dependent on knowing the people well and having information about what’s up. Are the parties strangers or casual acquaintances to me? Then NOMB, if they’re both adults. ANY relationship, whatever the age or station in life of the parties, either is right for the specific persons and more power to them, or it isn’t and we can hope they notice sooner rather than later. ---
**Author:** ![Win\_Place\_Show](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/win_place_show/32/13469_2.png) [@Win\_Place\_Show](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Win_Place_Show)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/59 "2013-02-07T07:12:34Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > Is he 80? I’m 45 and I’m constantly on my iPhone. Constantly looking up something while watching TV too. Good lord. What did you do before smartphones were all the rage? Carry a book around so you could avoid eye-contact with everyone around you? ---
**Author:** ![Allthegood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c68b51/32.png) [@Allthegood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Allthegood)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2013, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409/60 "2013-02-07T20:25:05Z")
I’m in my late 50s. One of my boyfriends is 20 years younger than I am. We have a good time together, and there are unexpected benefits to the age difference. We each have the benefit of seeing the world through the eyes of someone born in a different era. He appreciates hearing my take on some life situations given my more extensive life experience, and I appreciate the heck out of his helping me with some physical things I don’t feel up to doing anymore. It works for us, and when we’re out together, I’m not aware of anyone giving us any funny looks because of the age difference. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-support-relationships-with-big-age-gaps/649409.md?page=4)