# Do you tell your spouse EVERYTHING? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 10, 2008, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992 "2008-02-10T02:46:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/21 "2008-02-12T01:15:40Z")
Not married but no. People have told me their secrets and secrets they shall remain. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/22 "2008-02-12T01:16:27Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] I wouldn’t keep anything from my SO that impacted \*him \* in any way, but why \*would \* I share anything that doesn’t, if I’ve been asked not to? I don’t understand the need to share other people’s confidences with one’s spouse. It doesn’t make you a good spouse, it makes you a lousy friend. [/QUOTE] Just like **muldoon** says, my relationship with my spouse comes before any friends (or even family). I think keeping secrets builds walls, and I don’t have any interest in participating in that to any degree at all. I think I’m probably coming at this from a perspective 180º different from yours - building walls with my spouse for other people’s confidences is not something I’m prepared to do. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/23 "2008-02-12T01:21:06Z")
I believe that keeping confidences builds trust, and that more than one person in the world should be able to trust me. Again, I would never keep anything from my SO that I felt he needed to know, certainly never anything that would hurt him. Anyone who would \*ask \* me to do that would be violating both of our trust. But if my best friend tells me something that she’d prefer he’d not know, and it doesn’t hurt him to not know it, then IMO not telling him is a service to my relationship with my friend, and in no way a detriment to my relationship with him. Trust and intimacy, like love, are spreadable. What I share with my friend doesn’t get debited from my husband’s account. ---
**Author:** ![Ganryu\_Kojiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Ganryu\_Kojiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ganryu_Kojiro)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/24 "2008-02-12T03:20:10Z")
I more or less tell my SO everything. It’s just how I am. That said, if someone seems to be on the verge of letting me into their confidence I tell them explicitly that I will likely let her know, so anything they aren’t comfortable with her knowing shouldn’t be imparted to me. Kind of a disclaimer notice. I can think of perhaps two occasions where I was told a secret and successfully made to swear to silence from her. Both occasions had a time limit on them and I was free to tell her afterward. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/25 "2008-02-12T03:30:58Z")
Absolutely not. The rule ‘two are one’ appplies to formal invitations and taxes, not confidences. That being said, I would never expect a friend to not share a confidence with a spouse unless I specifically asked them not to, and I always ask if JSpouse is included in the prohibition to not ‘tell anyone’. On the other hand, I never let JSpouse make a major decision contraindicated by information only I have. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/26 "2008-02-12T16:13:44Z")
Arg. My wife’s family is lousy with this sort of thing. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad that I saw a doctor about such and such, he’ll worry.” “I told Mom, but I told her not to tell Dad, and she said she wouldn’t, because if he knew he’d worry.” “I talked to Dad about it, but he said not to tell her that he knows, because she’ll worry that he’ll worry.” “I told Dad about it, and he told me not to tell you I told him, so the next time you see him, don’t let him know that you know he knows, because he’ll worry.” It drives me nuts. Fortunately my family doesn’t do any of this sort of thing. If anyone from my side of the family wants to keep a secret, what we do is, we don’t tell anyone. It works perfectly! ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/27 "2008-02-12T17:32:37Z")
I don’t tell my wife everything. People tell me lots of stuff they want kept confidential. If you tell me in confidence, it stays in confidence. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/28 "2008-02-12T22:50:03Z")
No, not at all. I don’t expect to hear every gory personal detail that her friends share with her. Nor do I think she needs to hear about the stories my buddies tell me about their latest (or fondly remembered long ago) adventures. Why stir up nonsense? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2008, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/29 "2008-02-12T22:53:58Z")
If someone shares something with me in confidence, then I believe that it is not my place to share that confidence with anyone. And yes, that would include my SO. ---
**Author:** ![Winkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/41988e/32.png) [@Winkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winkie)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2008, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992/30 "2008-02-13T01:33:46Z")
In general, yes. However, if asked specifically not to, and the information doesn’t affect him, I don’t share. Even when he asks directly, I’ll say something like “She’s OK, she has some stuff going on and shared it with me in confidence” and we both leave it at that. And it works the other way, too. He trusts me, and I trust him, that if it is something we need to know we’ll tell each other. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-tell-your-spouse-everything/436992.md?page=1)