# Do you think it's important to have sex with someone before you marry them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 15, 2009, 8:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888 "2009-10-15T08:58:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![silvermist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@silvermist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silvermist)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/21 "2009-10-15T15:39:00Z")
> [@Serenata67](#): > > I love how this has turned into a religion debate… and it all started with sex. Hmm… I noticed that too. Since it was evident, what the OP meant, can we get past the nit-picking and have some answers posted, I’m really curious. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/22 "2009-10-15T15:43:12Z")
It’s neither important or unimportant. It’s basically an irrelevant issue. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/23 "2009-10-15T15:44:26Z")
Sexual compatability is pretty important in a marriage. It would seem foolish to me not investigate that before making a lifelong commitment. There certainly isn’t anything to LOSE by it. Obviously, I dismiss any religious proscriptions out of hand as superstituous nonsense. ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/24 "2009-10-15T15:52:49Z")
For whom? I mean, I certainly did have sex with my husband before we got married. Also after. But I don’t know that I thought it was important to do so in some ultimate sense. I don’t think other people have to, though. I am very happy to let them decide that. It is against my religion as it happens. But that didn’t have anything to do with it; lots of things I did/do are. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/25 "2009-10-15T15:52:54Z")
It is absolutely a necessity for me and a deal-breaker if it doesn’t happen. I will not wait for marriage, especially since I’m not that enamored (ha!) of the marriage concept anyway. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/26 "2009-10-15T15:53:22Z")
> [@Floater](#): > > I’m neither atheist nor agnostic. I’m totally irreligious, which means that is no option for me. I think you’re over-complicating the question. Think of it this way: Question one, would you or wouldn’t you? Question two, did your religion influence your decision? Since you have no religion, the answer to question two would be no. Religion played no part. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/27 "2009-10-15T16:00:07Z")
> [@SmartAlx](#): > > No, it’s just a poll as to whether or not you think that you should find out if you are sexually compatible before you get married. And the opposing side is generally associated with religous folk so I thought it might be good to get some idea about religions role in it too. Ah, IME and as I’ve mentioned before you don’t need to have sex to know whether you’re sexually compatible. “It’s in his kiss” works ridiculously well. Plus sexual compatibility (specially initial sexual compatibility) is not necessary for a succesful marriage. I hope I didn’t give anybody a migraine. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/28 "2009-10-15T16:02:10Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Plus sexual compatibility (specially initial sexual compatibility) is not necessary for a succesful marriage. :dubious: I suppose if two asexual people marry, that could be the case. Wait, but then they’d be sexually compatible. So I’m back to :dubious:. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/29 "2009-10-15T16:04:51Z")
I’d like to see some kind of empirical, peer-reviewed support for the hypothesis that you can tell whether someone will be sexually compatible by the way they kiss. And I disagree that sexual compatibility is not important to a marriage. Of course it is. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/30 "2009-10-15T16:09:37Z")
None fits, so I didn’t click on the poll. And I’m going to answer without reading, then I’ll go read. My answer is that it’s important to know how important sex is to you, before you get married. If it’s not really the be all end all for you, then it’s important to make sure that your partner agrees with that. If it is the be all end all for you, then I think it’s probably very important to be certain that your partner and you are compatible. I can’t think of any way to achieve that other than to try building a “sex life” together. Short term differences in libido are survivable by people of integrity (i.e. he’s been stressed out at work for a while; she’s exhausted since the baby was born; or she’s feeling particularly gung-ho since dropping the weight - that sort of thing.) But a long-term basic difference in the importance of sex has a very detrimental effect, and many couples split up because of it. (Or stay together but make each other miserable with manipulations and even cheating.) It’s important to be very clear on your preferences and expectations before you take that leap. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/31 "2009-10-15T16:13:29Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > :dubious: > > I suppose if two asexual people marry, that could be the case. Wait, but then they’d be sexually compatible. So I’m back to :dubious:. It depends on a couple of things: - how you define a marriage - whether or not you’re willing to grow If you’re willing to define a marriage without the sex part, then I suppose you can have a successful marriage, raising children and running a household. But I don’t really see much of a difference between that and roomates. Remember, sex is pretty much the only thing we’re not supposed to get anywhere else. Even emotional support can be gotten outside of the marriage, providing you’re not neglecting your partner. But, if you are initially not sexually compatible, and are willing to grow and learn about each other, then it could work. However I tend to believe whether or not you have this willingness to grow can only be ascertained by a healthy sexual relationship BEFORE marriage. What if I get into the marriage, we’re sexually incompatible, and I am willing to grow and change but he is not? It varies from person to person of course but I flat out believe it is something that needs to be discovered first. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/32 "2009-10-15T16:23:17Z")
It depends, after all you don’t buy a shoe before you try it on, but then again, you don’t buy gum if it’s already been chewed up. Is your potential spouse gum or shoes? You decide 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/33 "2009-10-15T16:30:00Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > It depends, after all you don’t buy a shoe before you try it on, but then again, you don’t buy gum if it’s already been chewed up. > > Is your potential spouse gum or shoes? You decide 🙂 I would not buy a lifetime supply of gum without trying at least one or two samples first. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/34 "2009-10-15T16:33:08Z")
I bet **SmartAlx** didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition about the wording. I figured it out pretty easily. As for the question, not only did we consider it important we told our daughters the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/35 "2009-10-15T16:33:14Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’d like to see some kind of empirical, peer-reviewed support for the hypothesis that you can tell whether someone will be sexually compatible by the way they kiss. I’m not sure how one would even conduct such a study. (But if you hear of one, let me know. Will I get paid to participate?) But of course you can tell a lot about a person’s sexuality by the way they kiss. Are they aggressive or tender? Is it about physical stimulation or emotional communication? Are they dominant or submissive? You can tell about 90% of what you need to know. Of course, the other 10% (like, will she go down on me) will remain a mystery, and that 10% is where a lot of dealbreakers reside. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/36 "2009-10-15T16:34:21Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > Is your potential spouse gum or shoes? You decide 🙂 Or is she going to be like gum on your shoes? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/37 "2009-10-15T16:35:53Z")
(Effective) atheist here. It’s not against my religion 'cause I haven’t got one, and I wouldnt want to marry a cold fish. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/38 "2009-10-15T16:40:09Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > But, if you are initially not sexually compatible, and are willing to grow and learn about each other, then it could work. However I tend to believe whether or not you have this willingness to grow can only be ascertained by a healthy sexual relationship BEFORE marriage. What if I get into the marriage, we’re sexually incompatible, and I am willing to grow and change but he is not? > > It varies from person to person of course but I flat out believe it is something that needs to be discovered first. So I think we agree? Sexual compatibility may have to be something that you work on or grow into, but it is a requirement, and should be worked out prior to getting hitched. > [@Markxxx](#): > > It depends, after all you don’t buy a shoe before you try it on, but then again, you don’t buy gum if it’s already been chewed up. > > Is your potential spouse gum or shoes? You decide 🙂 Nobody said you had to marry the town whore. Like **Giles** said, it’d be a pity to buy a lifetime supply of Big Red, only to find out you don’t like cinnamon. ---
**Author:** ![Chicken\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/39 "2009-10-15T17:18:55Z")
Won’t someone think of the asexual agnostics? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888/40 "2009-10-15T17:38:22Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > It depends, after all you don’t buy a shoe before you try it on, but then again, you don’t buy gum if it’s already been chewed up. > > Is your potential spouse gum or shoes? You decide 🙂 I don’t see how sex causes a person to be “chewed up,” but, in point of fact, the question was not about whether you’d marry someone who has had sex before, but whether you think it’s important for YOU to have sex with them before you marry them. A person’s prior sexual history before you is a different issue from whether you think it’s important for YOU to have sex with them. If that person’s prior history is already a deal breaker, then the OP’s question is moot. If you think that YOU having sex with a person will “chew them up,” then, you won’t chew them up any less after marriage than before it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-think-its-important-to-have-sex-with-someone-before-you-marry-them/513888.md?page=3)