Dishwasher.
To all those who wash their cats, do you have forearms left? 
The only cat we tried and succeeded in washing was a pregnant cat who had managed to become horribly muddy in the garden. Being too heavy to jump away, she instead had to be content with looking utterly mortified as only a cat can.
Our current cat is too big to try it with, we can manage to vacuum clean him as long as he doesn’t have to look at the vacuum nozzle 
Reminds me of going into work with my forearms covered with claw marks from bathing a cat. When I told a co-worker that I had been injured bathing my cat, she asked (with a straight face) “did you get fur on your tongue?”
No.
We started washing our cats when they were about two months old and do it about once a month now. They’re pretty used to it but still growl and complain. At least they don’t try to escape by clawing their way through my forearms anymore. I’ve got a scar to prove it, looks like I tried to slash my wrist with an axe.
When I had Applet the Rescue Cat (so named because she was full of bugs and crashed a lot), I had to give her a bath (she had fleas) early on.
Who knew an 8 week old kitten could do so much damage to a human being! She was downright dangerously NASTY. I accidentally dunked her head under the water at one point during our struggle, and that seemed to have cured her of the “I WILL *#&!@*#! KILL YOU!” tendency she had. She was one NASTY cat. Yow.
My cats have no front claws and they’re entirely indoor, which makes for less frequent baths and a decreased possibility of serious injury. Nevertheless, it takes at least two people to wash them.
Khan is a white long-hair, and he does. not. like. water. Usually, one person stands in the tub, holding him by the “armpits” while the other lathers and rinses. Unfortunately, as soon as Khan’s kitty ass hits the water, it turns into some sort of rotor–I don’t know how he spins his entire hindquarters like that, but his tail can be dangerous. Once he’s completely wet, he just kind of moans pitifully and resigns himself.
I always have a towel in the oven, warming up, to wrap them in when I’m finished. They both love the warm towel and the cuddles afterwards, even Sirius, who hates being held in any way.
I used to bathe my cats regularly before Advantage. They were all indoor cats but the dogs would bring in fleas. They didn’t like baths but they tolerated it (in that I mean I did not end up shredded, just very wet from attempts to escape the bathtub). Then Advantage came along and all the dogs died of old age so there weren’t really any new fleas coming in the house. Now they only get bathed if they get into something nasty. Sometimes my big fat fluffy cat needs to have ber butt shaved and washed because she gets poo stuck there but otherwise I just try to brush all the cats often.
The kitten has been bathed more often and is very good for it, She had a skin problem early on that looked like ringworm but cleared up quickly after a few medicated baths (usually ringworm is much harder to get rid of). She also tends to get into things, like falling into the toilet right after it was used but before it was flushed, so she sometimes gets impromptu baths in the middle of the night. However, she seems to love water, she often comes in the shower with us and sits on the sink watching the water when I wash my face or brush my teeth. She’s deaf so she can’t hear the water and I think that is a big part of her not being afraid. She’s not crazy about the being held still and soaped up part.
Anyway, I have also bathed many, many cats that were not my own as part of my job and I still have my forearms, albeit a little bit scarred.
An old friend of mine used to breed cats and gave me this tip. I only had to use it once, but it worked pretty well.
When he had a cat that needed a bath, he would put the cat in one of those mesh bags onions come in. The buzz-saw bits of the cat were immobilized and you could do what needed to be done quickly which was a real plus for everyone involved. When I did this, I used a double sink in the kitchen, lathered her up and rinsed her off pretty easily. I did not have water standing in the sink.
My cats were always indoor dwellers as well as shorthaired. I don’t think this would work too well for long haired kitties.
My last kitty went to the Bridge a couple of years ago, so now I only have to bathe my 2 -70 lb dogs…
I haven’t given an adult cat a bath since two of ours escaped a few years ago and came home smelling like garbage can. The Buggy got several baths when he was a baby because the dog liked to chew on him sometimes.
I guess I’m like those who say their cats can take care of their own grooming (and mine do just fine). I don’t know how mad a wet hen is, but I do know how mad a wet cat is! Maybe we should change that saying.
God I wish the groomers could bathe Manfred. We took him in once and they called us and said come get him, no way.
He is white and longhaired and obese, over 20 pounds, as well as being big and mean. He is getting on and he has tons of rastas all over him, and he can’t lick his butt so good, not that he ever cared so much for that anyway. He turns into Debbil Kitty the moment someone lays hands on him who isn’t me. The last time the vet saw him, he got a muzzle stuck on his face, Manfred not the vet. He got it off. The vet said that he would need to be sedated next time he needed a thorough exam.
I can baby wipe his ass, but I have to do it over the course of a couple of days so that he doesn’t put me into the hospital for three days, like he did my MIL when she tried to pet him after he hurt his back romping with and beating up the new kitten.
He’s an asshole but I loves me some Manfred. My favorite pet ever.
I’ve only bathed cats once – when a new arrival who had been rescued from Certain Death in the gutter – brought fleas. I had to bathe all three cats on the same day that we flea-bombed the house. Not fun.
The trick I used was similar to some others mentioned – after clearing the decks, donning protective gear (heavy gardening gloves) and filling the kitchen sink with warm water and the flea soap, hold cat facing AWAY; all the pointy parts pointed away from you.
The only time my cats have been bathed is when we first got them, so they wouldn’t spread fleas to the others. They’re indoors only. Oh, and that one time Hobbes tripped my sister. She was carrying a plate of syrupy pancakes, and dropped it on him. I’m not sure which one of them was more upset about it.
I’ve always washed them in the sink. It’s a smaller space and they feel trapped so they don’t try to get away. Just keep one hand on their shoulders at all times and they stay put. I second the mesh bag idea for any really feisty ones. It makes it a lot easier to keep the claws contained.
I’ve never had to bathe a cat, but our newest one, Victor, enjoys taking baths. You just turn the water on in the shower, take him in there, do your thing, and he sits in the corner and watches. If we don’t want to have to dry him afterwards (he does not like the towel), we set him on one of the shower shelves (like this one).
He also will only drink from water running from a shower. He is one strange cat.
I only gave the semi-outdoors cat baths and only if he got into something very nasty and wasn’t bathing it off himself fast enough. It was a trial and a half, even in an enclosed shower. Lots of yowling, hissing, screaming and pleading to be let out. Mostly the process was wetting him down with a bowl of water, adding some pet shampoo and then dumping more water over him until the soap seemed to be gone. Afterwards we would wrap him in a towel and attempt to blowdry him (also causing more histrionics on his part) on a low-heat setting. He was an immense bastard and would usually escape pretty quickly and then retreat to a corner where he would lick himself, sulk and wait to dry. A pretty traumatic event all around.
Our long hair gets bathed a few times a year because stuff gets in her fur. My husband does it. The key word here is fast. He basically throws the poor cat in an enclosed shower tub up to her ears, drops a bit of soap on her fur quickly and then rinses her off. At that the poor thing is so dazed and confused that when he hands her to me for a towel and blow drying she barely has any schock left to protest.