# Does a spouse-rejecting parent have a right to see their grandchild? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 29, 2011, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006 "2011-09-29T12:24:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/21 "2011-09-29T14:48:25Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > …snip… > One of the things my therapist has said (and is echoed by several friends that I have spoken to) is that it is not necessary for me to break off complete contact with my mother just because she is not accepting my wife, particularly since breaking off with my mother is making me unhappy. However, it is also not reasonable to expect my mother and wife to get along. So the solution is for me to have a separate relationship with my mother, and not to force either of them on the other. Of course in that relationship I also have the right to tell my mother not to speak about my wife if it cannot be nice things. > > I am open to that idea, and so is my wife. It is not ideal of course, but might be a workable solution. The problem now is my daughter. My mother wants to see her granddaughter, but given our unpleasant history and my mother’s refusal to accept my wife, my wife feels my mother has forfeited that right. I tend to agree with my wife on this, as it seems to me that both parents need to agree on policies regarding the children. I would stop right there. Your therapist’s opinion is of no consequence. I agree totally with your wife - your mother has acted like a total jerk and has forfeited the right to see her grandchild. To be bluntly honest, I’m not sure I’d go for the separate relationship thing either. If your mother is not willing to accept YOUR judgement in the choice of the woman you married, it seems to me that your mother doesn’t have a very high opinion of you at all. I don’t need someone like that in my life. But that’s just me - YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/22 "2011-09-29T14:55:37Z")
Your child is much too young to be exposed to all this dysfunction. She can’t possibly understand the full implications of Grandma bad-mouthing Mommy. In fact, at this age she would take it on as a statement about her own identity. One session of bad behavior from GrandMa could lead to a lifetime of pain. It sounds to me like you have failed everybody here. I’m sorry to be harsh, but this would not be continuing after all these years if you had simply said “My loyalty now is to my wife, and unless you can be respectful of her, we are done here.” Your mother is keeping the whole family on a rollercoaster of conflict, but you’ve had your hand on the brake the whole time. You keep letting up on it, and she keeps trying this way or that to manipulate you into letting it fly. My deepest symapthies to your wife. she’s in an impossible situation. The few times you do stand up to your Mom, you do it halfheartedly, then compensate by choosing to think about it and torture yourself until you are depressed, and then guess who gets to live with _that_? (Hint: It’s not the one who is acting badly.) It seems to me that none of the repercussions have fallen on the main bad actor here. And the few that you are suffering for your indecisiveness have inordiantely affected your wife, the one innocent player. And now you want your child to suffer quietly and be the pawn just like your wife has been. F’ing lovely. Grow a pair, and tell your Mother what she can do with her bad behavior. If she can’t be civil, she’s no sort of role model for your child anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/23 "2011-09-29T14:59:08Z")
Let your mom see your kid. It’s your kid’s grandmother. Your kid has a right to have a relationship with her grandparent. Your wife is just withholding the kid to punish your mother. If your mom starts trashing your wife in front of the kid, then you pack up and leave while reminding your mom that’s not part of the deal. You can clearly set boundaries without going overboard. ETA: I grew up in a slightly similar situation to your kid. My mom and my dad’s mother did not get along. Most of our visits to grandma’s were with my dad and without my mom. As we got older we understood the dislike that existed between them. I remember chastising my grandmother for speaking ill of my mom in front of me more than once. But I still loved my grandmother and can’t imagine not knowing her. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/24 "2011-09-29T15:02:23Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > Cutting out the mother would deprive the child of a grandmother. As a parent the child should come before your wife’s hurt feelings. It is a good thing for your child to know its grandmother and your kid will not be irreparably damaged by a stray remark disparaging your wife. Sometimes people do not get along, that is just life in the big city.Trying to change other people is a recipe for frustration. If having a relationship with your mother makes you happy and the only way you can do that is to not involve the wife, so be it. > I do not think making suggestions is out of line for a therapist as long as they do not try to push you into something that you do not want to do. The grandmother has cut herself out - her bad behaviour and her unwillingness to act differently is what has caused the rift, not **Orville** or his wife. From what we have seen, he would happily have a relationship with his mother if she didn’t act like a bag. I don’t agree that the child comes before the wife’s hurt feelings, either. **Orville** and his wife are going to grow old together after the kids are gone. Putting the kids ahead of a spouse isn’t a great idea to me, either. I agree that Grandma only gets family visits (both parents) with grandkids - she doesn’t get rewarded for bad behaviour by getting to see her son and grandkid without that horrible woman showing up (from her perspective, not mine). I also disagree with your therapist that you can have separate relationships with your mother and with your wife; I’d approach my wife with that first, and see what she is willing to allow. If she says it would hurt her feelings for you to see your mother knowing that she’s badmouthing your wife, that’s your guiding principle. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/25 "2011-09-29T15:03:39Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Since when are you sleeping with your mother and making and raising babies with her? You’re not. Your wife and child get the front seat now. Can anyone use a joke at this point? 'Cause I’m channelling Marc Maron. > [@Marc Maron (paraphrasing)](#): > > I love my mom but I’m not _in love_ with her. … What? You could totally fuck your mom. You know that moment when you’re leaving for college and she’s crying her eyes out? She would totally sleep with you then. … That doesn’t mean you necessarily _should_ take advantage of her at that point. … I’m just saying, you could totally hit that. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/26 "2011-09-29T15:04:44Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Let your mom see your kid. It’s your kid’s grandmother. Your kid has a right to have a relationship with her grandparent. Your wife is just withholding the kid to punish your mother. If your mom starts trashing your wife in front of the kid, then you pack up and leave while reminding your mom that’s not part of the deal. You can clearly set boundaries without going overboard. The problem is those boundries have been set and ignored multiple times in the past. Kids aren’t dumb. Grandma will start out following the rules and will slip in snide comments where she can and the OP will be stuck in the middle, forever trying to draw the line of what is acceptable to say. Every single time there will be a huge drama over him being too picky about her words. It will be exhausting for the OP, confusing for the kid and a triumph for Grandma because she’s getting the drama she wants without the DIL she has decided to hate. You need to accept a few things before you make your decisions. Without a major life changing event which you cannot engineer, your mother will not change. The only thing you can control is her access to your family and your reactions to her. Based on that you need to decide what you can live with. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/27 "2011-09-29T15:06:27Z")
I agree that all this talk of “rights” is nonsense. No, your mother has no rights in this situation. What you need to focus on is your child. Forget what’s best for your mother, or your wife, or yourself, what’s best for the child? If you do decide to introduce your child to your mother, the first criticism your mother makes of your wife, you pack up the kid and leave immediately. Don’t argue, don’t complain, don’t justify yourself. That’s a trap. Just leave. And if you decide that your kid should have a second or third chance with Grandma, then do exactly the same thing every time. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/28 "2011-09-29T15:15:22Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > The problem is those boundries have been set and ignored multiple times in the past. Kids aren’t dumb. Grandma will start out following the rules and will slip in snide comments where she can and the OP will be stuck in the middle, forever trying to draw the line of what is acceptable to say. Every single time there will be a huge drama over him being too picky about her words. It will be exhausting for the OP, confusing for the kid and a triumph for Grandma because she’s getting the drama she wants without the DIL she has decided to hate. So what? Kids aren’t dumb, as you said. They can see through all the BS. As I mentioned above. I grew up in a situation similar to what the OP’s kid is in. I would have been frustrated with both of my parents, if I had not had the opportunity to have a relationship with my grandmother. It didn’t turn me against my mom or hurt me in any way. But knowing my family and seeing the history of my father through my grandmother was important to me. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/29 "2011-09-29T15:17:34Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > So what? Kids aren’t dumb, as you said. They can see through all the BS. No, not necessarily. ---
**Author:** ![Acid\_Lamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Acid\_Lamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acid_Lamp)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/30 "2011-09-29T15:20:26Z")
I have a difficult mum as well. You need to cut her off. While my situation is nowhere near as bad as yours is, I had to be quite firm on a few issues to make it clear that her wishes amounted to exactly diddly. Mom has to learn that you are an adult, and married. You make your own choices and will not be nagged or bullied into her getting her way. I suggest you use the following language or something quite like it: "Dear mum, I know we’ve had issues over the years and it seems that they are not being adequately resolved. I know that you want to see (insert grandkid here), but I cannot allow this as of now knowing that you deliberately bring disharmony, drama, and stress to my family when you visit. That is unacceptable, and family, ethnicity or culture is not an excuse for such behaviour. I have to do what is best for MY child and family, and that means keeping her apart from you until you demonstrate that you can comport yourself with a minimum level of civility and respect. Should you be willing to do these things we are always willing to speak with and visit you. " End with the usual. I had to use a version of this with my mother a few times until she got the message that I was serious. Be ready to enforce it. Failing to follow through is worse than never having done this step in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/31 "2011-09-29T15:22:54Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > My mother wants to see her granddaughter, but given our unpleasant history and my mother’s refusal to accept my wife, my wife feels my mother has forfeited that right. Count me as one more who agrees with your wife 100% > [@Nava](#): > > To me the question is not whether your mother has the right to know her grand-daughter (she doesn’t), but that your daughter _does_ have the right to know her relatives > [@puddleglum](#): > > Cutting out the mother would deprive the child of a grandmother. My mother was estranged from her mother and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. Not every situation is the same, but it _is_ conceiveable to me that no relationship with Grandma at all could be preferable to one in which Grandma can’t stand Mommy and makes no bones about it. ---
**Author:** ![Orville\_mogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/aeb1de/32.png) [@Orville\_mogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orville_mogul)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/32 "2011-09-29T15:48:56Z")
thanks everyone. This is some valuable discussion and insight. Although it seems like the majority are of the opinion that my mother does not have a right to see her granddaughter, it is also good to see that there are others who don’t completely agree. It sort of makes me feel that I am not completely abnormal in having mixed feelings… But I think I am close to deciding one thing at least. There is no way I am going to let my daughter visit my mother without my wife’s involvement. And I need to stop letting my mother push my buttons. I guess I need to clarify one thing. Although beyond any question my mother is the one who started the whole mess 13 years ago (and yes, it was basically a question of my wife not being good enough, as well as being of a different culture and religion), and has continued to badmouth and manipulate, my wife is also very stubborn and (has become?) thin-skinned. So even when my mother is at fault, my wife’s reaction is not always proportional and I find it difficult to find a rational response. So while I think I understand what a couple posters have said about it being a bad idea for me to have a separate relationship with my mother, it would make my life a lot easier… :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/33 "2011-09-29T15:52:29Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > . . . I suggest you use the following language or something quite like it: > > "Dear mum, I know we’ve had issues over the years and it seems that they are not being adequately resolved. I know that you want to see (insert grandkid here), but I cannot allow this as of now knowing that you deliberately bring disharmony, drama, and stress to my family when you visit. That is unacceptable, and family, ethnicity or culture is not an excuse for such behaviour. I have to do what is best for MY child and family, and that means keeping her apart from you until you demonstrate that you can comport yourself with a minimum level of civility and respect. Should you be willing to do these things we are always willing to speak with and visit you. " > > End with the usual. > > I had to use a version of this with my mother a few times until she got the message that I was serious. Be ready to enforce it. Failing to follow through is worse than never having done this step in the first place. I support this 100%. I’d also like to remind some of the respondents that this child is only 20 months old. Less than two years. If we were talking about a 14-year-old my advice would be different. But a two year old will take on any definition of their parents, good or bad as part of their self-definition. Even one exposure to G’Ma bad-talking Mom at this age is not a risk worth taking. And a relationship with many grandmothers is something worth fighting for. A relationship with a manipulative, conflict fomenting old woman who hates ones Mother and uses ethnic generalizations to defend destructive behavior is worth fighting **against**. Spare your child from the lifetime of conflict your Mother would like to bestow upon her. And find a therapist who will help you free yourself from this nightmare. P.S. Of course your wife is supportive of you having a seperate relationship with your Mom; her alternative is to live with you depressed and regretful. Man the F up and save your family from the mean old lady who wants to draw them into her circle of pain. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/34 "2011-09-29T15:58:02Z")
Lotsa stuff said here. Let your guiding principle be: **Do what’s best for your daughter**. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/35 "2011-09-29T16:04:01Z")
Well, I did talk about “Grandma and Mom are _rarely_ in the same half of the planet”. I think that, since you are not stranged from Grandma at this point, it makes more sense to have her and the kid meet (occasionally, with your wife’s agreement, with you there, with conditions, all that jazz) than to have her eventually learn that “you can’t see Grandma because Mom doesn’t want you to” - that makes Mom be the one who looks bad! If you’re not going to ever, ever introduce them to each other, chop those lanyards and burn the sails, it’s going to be less of a mental mess for the kid. There are conversations I have with some of the people in my life when we’re alone which I wouldn’t be able to have in front of others. The Bros are the ones with whom a trio can be most similar to a duo, but in general, there’s many in-jokes, mutual references and whatnot which a third person (any third person) automatically puts an end to… too many things which “it would take too much time to explain”. One of the most interesting parts of my nephew’s development to me (because I’m sure we all go through it, but I don’t remember it from when my cousins and brothers were small) was discovering that Mom is also Judy is also Daughter is also Dear is also Hey Sis and Dad is also Big Bro is also Middle Bro is also Ed is also Crazy Wolf is also Mr Survival… and that all those relationships are different, and that you meet some people in certain locations, others in different spots. Grandma, Mom and the kid don’t have to spend time together, but seriously, if the two ladies can’t behave for five minutes they’re worse than the 20 month old. Mid-tantrum. And if it comes to that, your choice is the one you already took: your wife should always, always take precedence over your mother, your future over your past. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/36 "2011-09-29T16:08:50Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > \ > I guess I need to clarify one thing. Although beyond any question my mother is the one who started the whole mess 13 years ago (and yes, it was basically a question of my wife not being good enough, as well as being of a different culture and religion), and has continued to badmouth and manipulate, my wife is also very stubborn and (has become?) thin-skinned. So even when my mother is at fault, my wife’s reaction is not always proportional and I find it difficult to find a rational response. So while I think I understand what a couple posters have said about it being a bad idea for me to have a separate relationship with my mother, it would make my life a lot easier… :rolleyes: I don’t blame her and, frankly, I blame you for your wife’s response. I’m not trying to be mean to you, but try to look at this from your wife’s perspective for a minute. Here you are, madly in love with the man of your dreams and despite all family, religious, and cultural conflicts, you still want to marry him and raise babies with him, 'cause he’s _that_ awesome. But every time his mother sees you, she starts in with her crap and your lovely, wonderful DH _sides with her_. Who the fuck did he marry then, if he’s always trying to capitulate to mommy? How angry and resentful would you be if the situation were reversed and it was your wife’s dad who was constantly sniping at you whenever you’re in his presence? Wouldn’t you want your wife to stick up for you to her dad? After 13 years, I’d be friggin’ OVER that shit. Your inaction would tell me that you care more about your mom than you do about me and I just gave you a baby! And even the tiniest hint that your mom has a right to treat me disrespectfully without consequences would send me off into the rage stratosphere. Your DW is probably holding her tongue and controlling herself to not say ugly shit about your mom (like I just did, sorry ;)) much moreso than you realize. Really. After running that gauntlet with the inlaws for more than a dozen years who _wouldn’t_ be hypersensitive? Honestly, you should have been setting clear and appropriate boundaries back around the time you got engaged. “This is who I’ve chosen. You don’t have to love her, but you do have to respect that she’s my wife.” Anytime she was treated disrespectfully at a family gathering or whatever, you should have stated that behavior is unacceptable and left. We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your mother that it’s okay to have no respect for you, your choices, you taste in the mother of your children and that it’s okay to constantly insult the people you love. What happens if your mother eventually doesn’t like your kid, or you have another kid and it looks just like her mom so your mom decides she’s a substandard child and will be treated like the lesser grandchild? If you have siblings, what happens when one of them marries into the “right” culture/religion and they have children – will your mom suddenly be treating yours as the not-good-enough grandchildren? I know a lot of people who have suffered lifetimes at the hands of their grandparents who weren’t mature enough to get over themselves and think about how their actions effect other people. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think there’s room for you to have any relationship with your mother unless she’s willing to shut her mouth, be civil and show a minimum of respect. Ask her how she would like it if she was in your wife’s position? If your mom is incapable of empathy and compassion, then why would you want her influence on your daughter’s life? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Amara\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7993a0/32.png) [@Amara\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amara_1)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/37 "2011-09-29T16:12:32Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > I’m going to agree with CCL. And I have no sympathy for Grandma either. It is just plain wrong to work so hard to poison a marriage for no particular reason except that (I’m betting) no girl is good enough for her boy, and she wants to be first in her son’s life, and figures that a wife is competition who must be crushed. Or whatever it is. This is a perfect description of my MIL. I also agree with **Trucelt**. In my case, my MIL wanted a relationship with just her son and rewarding her bad behavior got really old. My husband did not address it and her behavior has gotten worse with time. He’s been brought up to always keep the peace around someone who has never respected boundaries and, while it hurt his feelings, he didn’t think much more of it. His lack of standing up for me has always hurt but I do think that it is important that he have a relationship with his mother. My FIL died 3 years ago; she lives in another state with a huge house and this past Christmas she thought it was appropriate to discuss my husband getting a divorce and moving in with her (and bringing the kids of course). This time, I raised holy hell and told him how inappropriate it was for her to even raise that topic just because she was lonely. Furthermore, she doesn’t see our kids much and the idea that she had any right to take my kids away…well the rest of the visit didn’t go so well. My husband initially thought I was overreacting but he’s mentioned the outline of this to other people and been surprised at their strong reactions (even the calmest person was like WTF?). (Back to your situation). I’m also of a different race and religion from my husband. My older daughter looks a LOT like me but our younger daughter looks a lot like my husband. My MIL has a decided preference for my younger daughter and will make comments criticizing my older daughter and compare her to me. Please keep this in mind too. My older daughter would cry and cry over how Nana didn’t like her. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/38 "2011-09-29T16:12:47Z")
> [@Orville\_mogul](#): > > t > I guess I need to clarify one thing. Although beyond any question my mother is the one who started the whole mess 13 years ago (and yes, it was basically a question of my wife not being good enough, as well as being of a different culture and religion), and has continued to badmouth and manipulate, my wife is also very stubborn and (has become?) thin-skinned. So even when my mother is at fault, my wife’s reaction is not always proportional and I find it difficult to find a rational response. So while I think I understand what a couple posters have said about it being a bad idea for me to have a separate relationship with my mother, it would make my life a lot easier… :rolleyes: Of course your wife looks like she’s overreacting. She’s had years of this junk and is understandably tired of it. What looks to you like a minor jab to be forgotten is, to her, yet another jab in a gaping wound. She is never good enough and never acceptable, and she can’t win because either she has your mom hating her in person or she has a depressed husband and guilt over keeping you apart from your mom. These are not minor issues that she can just get over. If you think she has become thin-skinned and overreactive, then you are not realizing how difficult this is for her. ETA: Or, what Dogzilla said. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/39 "2011-09-29T16:15:26Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > That being said, you could go on a trial basis - but your mother has to know that there will be no badmouthing of the wife, the kid’s mother, in front of the kid. Ever. And you will leave if that happens. And be prepared to follow through. > > If you think you can’t stand up to her at that point - and there’s no shame in that; of course mothers know how to push our buttons, they installed all of them - then cut her off. I agree with this totally. Like Anaamika, I come from a culture (Korean, in my case) that has some commonality with Italian culture. My mom totally pulls the whole “hey, speaking hard truth to family is what we DO!” sort of thing, although not nearly as bad as the OP, so I empathize. I even have a little sympathy for the grandma (my mom has had a very hard time realizing that no, you don’t HAVE to speak everything in your head to your family!) but… she also needs to learn to deal, at least partially. > [@Moonlitherial](#): > > The problem is those boundries have been set and ignored multiple times in the past. Kids aren’t dumb. Grandma will start out following the rules and will slip in snide comments where she can and the OP will be stuck in the middle, forever trying to draw the line of what is acceptable to say. Every single time there will be a huge drama over him being too picky about her words. It will be exhausting for the OP, confusing for the kid and a triumph for Grandma because she’s getting the drama she wants without the DIL she has decided to hate. I get this, but the answer to this has already been cited: > [@Lemur866](#): > > If you do decide to introduce your child to your mother, the first criticism your mother makes of your wife, you pack up the kid and leave immediately. Don’t argue, don’t complain, don’t justify yourself. That’s a trap. Just leave. And if you decide that your kid should have a second or third chance with Grandma, then do exactly the same thing every time. No drama. No arguing. At the first even-kind-of-snide comment, just say “We agreed that you would not say things like that,” SAY NOTHING ELSE, and leave. Or hang up the phone. Or whatever. If your mom calls back and wants to talk about you being too picky, say, “I am not interested in discussing this,” and hang up the phone. Boundaries are boundaries. Your mom will complain to everyone else she knows that “Oh, my son has got so _sensitive_ and it’s all his evil wife’s fault!” (My sister regularly gets told I am sensitive, and I regularly get told she is sensitive… hmmm…) but that’s not your problem! ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006/40 "2011-09-29T16:19:40Z")
I wouldn’t take that kid within a mile of her, but that’s just me. It’s not a tragedy for a kid to grow up without a grandparent, and your mother has the potential to drive an even bigger wedge between you and your wife, as well as one between you or her and your kid. I also absolutely would not continue a relationship with her where you bring the grandchild to her but keep your wife away. If she wants to see her grandchild so badly, she should have thought of that before she treated your wife like crap. Even if you guys want her to have a relationship with your daughter, you can’t exclude your wife. That just reinforces her as a second-class member of the family. If your wife is feeling really generous, you can try it with a one-strike rule. Your mom says something cruel to your wife, and you leave immediately. No questions, no arguments, no defending your mother, that’s it. Personally, I doubt I’d even go that far with a 13 year history of bad blood. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-a-spouse-rejecting-parent-have-a-right-to-see-their-grandchild/598006.md?page=3)