# Does anyone have experience with marriage counseling focused on the husband? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 3, 2016, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366 "2016-06-03T09:01:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/41 "2016-06-04T00:14:03Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > If he’s doing it “wrong” on purpose, so she won’t ask him to do it again, that indicates other issues in the relationship IMHO. This is also true. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/42 "2016-06-04T00:17:40Z")
> [@SpoilerVirgin](#): > > This is classic passive-aggressive behavior. Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax discusses this type of relationship interaction [here](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-a-boyfriends-inaction-on-fertility-treatment-speaks-volumes/2016/05/29/b8d04fa2-1ed3-11e6-8c7b-6931e66333e7_story.html) and [here](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-how-do-you-remedy-your-own-passive-aggressive-behavior/2016/05/30/daae2f04-212b-11e6-9e7f-57890b612299_story.html). Those are good links. I really like this - “1. admit to yourself what you really want” So many people have the hardest time with this. ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/43 "2016-06-04T02:00:19Z")
> [@](#): > > He doesn’t do chores I ask him to do as timely, reliably and well as I would like them to be done You actually do this? I can’t imagine being in an adult relationship where you do this on a regular basis. Adults realize that certain things have to be done to keep the homestead in one piece and voluntarily chip in. Occasionally they discuss who will do what and when (I’ll feed the goats, you take out the trash), or ask the spouse better qualified (e.g., taller, smaller hands, specialized knowledge) to take over a necessary chore. If you want an employee, why not hire one? If some spouse kept assigning me chores and then criticizing my performance, I’d leave. As fast as possible. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/44 "2016-06-04T02:33:42Z")
> [@spamforbrains](#): > > You actually do this? I can’t imagine being in an adult relationship where you do this on a regular basis. Adults realize that certain things have to be done to keep the homestead in one piece and voluntarily chip in. Occasionally they discuss who will do what and when (I’ll feed the goats, you take out the trash), or ask the spouse better qualified (e.g., taller, smaller hands, specialized knowledge) to take over a necessary chore. > > If you want an employee, why not hire one? > > If some spouse kept assigning me chores and then criticizing my performance, I’d leave. As fast as possible. LOL, are you serious? People do this all the time. Look at the link I posted for a first person account of someone who did this. This is the basis of so many TV shows, books, and adages. You never heard of “Happy Wife, Happy Life”? Where do you think that comes from? Watch a TV show or a commercial where the husband doesn’t do something right, you think that is made up? ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/45 "2016-06-04T02:53:13Z")
> [@spamforbrains](#): > > You actually do this? I can’t imagine being in an adult relationship where you do this on a regular basis. Adults realize that certain things have to be done to keep the homestead in one piece and voluntarily chip in. Occasionally they discuss who will do what and when (I’ll feed the goats, you take out the trash), or ask the spouse better qualified (e.g., taller, smaller hands, specialized knowledge) to take over a necessary chore. > > If you want an employee, why not hire one? > > If some spouse kept assigning me chores and then criticizing my performance, I’d leave. As fast as possible. So what does an adult do if the other adult chooses to do nothing? Your viewpoint only works if both adults chose to chip in, which is ideal, but not the OP’s situation. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/46 "2016-06-04T10:50:45Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Just a thought, IMHO: Beware of a dynamic in which one spouse is trying to enlist the counselor as an ally against the other spouse - that is the impression your husband may get, even if it’s not what you’re actually trying to do - because nothing destroys the trust needed in counseling as much as one partner sensing that he or she is being set up in a 2 vs. 1 situation - that his wife is taking him to the counselor so that the counselor and wife can team up together against the husband. That may not be your intention, but if it feels to your husband that that is what is happening, it will immediately destroy any good the counseling could have done and generate a lot of ill will. Which is exactly why my husband won’t approach couples therapy. He had this happen in another relationship and the relationship ultimately blew up. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/47 "2016-06-04T12:16:33Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > Why not just hire someone to do the most disliked chores? Housecleaning is a typical way for low income people to get a bit more money, so you’d be helping the local economy while you’re at it. This. It’s the best thing we ever did for our relationship. I was your husband, by the way, and he was the one who assigned chores, negotiated who was supposed to do what, and then got pissed that I never got around to cleaning the windows like I’d agreed to. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/48 "2016-06-04T14:20:03Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > So what does an adult do if the other adult chooses to do nothing? Your viewpoint only works if both adults chose to chip in, which is ideal, but not the OP’s situation. > [@kiz](#): > > Which is exactly why my husband won’t approach couples therapy. He had this happen in another relationship and the relationship ultimately blew up. These strike me as two sides of the same coin. It seems to me that saving the relationship has to involve genuinely caring about the other person’s point of view, and trusting that the other person genuinely has your best interests at heart. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/49 "2016-06-04T14:34:27Z")
There is no such thing as marriage counseling that focuses on only one of the spouses. How many of you are married? That’s how many people marriage counseling focuses on. If you want counseling that focuses on your husband, it would by definition not be marriage counseling. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/50 "2016-06-04T16:21:10Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > I’m a psychologist myself . . . Really??? ('nuf said) ---
**Author:** ![nicole1912](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9de0a6/32.png) [@nicole1912](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicole1912)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2016, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/51 "2016-06-04T18:41:09Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > And above all he would see therapy as something to be avoided because it sounds an awful lot like blame-assigning you have to pay for. > > […] > > I would like my husband to do some therapy. Maybe some sessions together, but focused on him. On how he experiences my “demands” for emotional support and reliable help with chores. Why he balks at those, other then that I don’t ask nicely enough. How he could think of it all differently. > > Does anyone know of a method or… well any type of marriage counseling that is husband focused in this way? Or is it really up to me to fix it all? Do you not see how the first part of this might well be influenced by the second? Marriage counselling is, as I understand it, about improving the relationship. Not about “fixing” one of the people in it. Your own therapy - not to mention your training - should have taught you that you can only really work on your own reactions in therapy, not other people’s; it’s for your husband to sort himself out, if he thinks there’s a problem. If he doesn’t, you need to decide whether you can continue in the relationship as it is - not as you’d like it to be, if he’d only change to suit you. I think you’ve been unhappy in this relationship for quite a long time, haven’t you? I seem to remember you complaining about him before, a while ago. Do you want to stay in it? Even if he stays as he is, because he thinks he’s fine like that? That might be something you can usefully explore in your own therapy sessions, and that might be more helpful than trying to find a therapist who’ll tell him how he’s fucking things up. (Which, even if you could, he’d experience as being blamed - because he would, in fact, be being blamed for the relationship not going as smoothly as you’d like.) I also think that you might address at least the superficial issues by hiring someone to do the chores around the house that you think he’s not doing properly. You can give these kind of instructions to employees, but not to partners. So hire someone, pay them, and get them to do the job to the standard you require. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/52 "2016-06-05T17:58:44Z")
The thing is that no one here can really give you sensible advice because there are four possibilities: 1. Both of you like the house at the same level of cleanliness, but your husband isn’t willing to contribute to making this happen and figures you should do it all 2. You like a reasonable standard of cleanliness, but husband is perfectly happy living in a hovel coated in rotting food, wearing the same underwear for a week, and thinks you’re weird for wanting the dishes washed between uses 3. He likes a reasonable standard of cleanliness, but you think everything should be sterilised immediately after being touched, and think he’s weird for not starching and ironing his socks 4. The two of you have reasonable but different ideas of what the cleanliness level should be From your OP, it doesn’t sound like it’s 1, because you said something about him not doing stuff to the standard you (singular) would like. 2 and 3 are both pretty rare. 4 is not. And the real issue here is that, if it’s 4, he isn’t the problem. The problem lies between the two of you, in the fact that you need to reach some kind of compromise where you each make concessions to the other’s viewpoint. Any counselling shouldn’t be focused on him alone; it should be focused on the two of you learning productive ways to make that kind of compromise. And the fact that you’re seeing it as solely his problem is, in fact, a big problem. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/53 "2016-06-05T18:24:30Z")
There’s also the possibility that he likes a reasonable standard of cleanliness but has learned that if he just waits, it happens in it’s own. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/54 "2016-06-05T21:16:28Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > I still think it’s bullshit that the person who “cares more” should do more. There is definitely the risk of a free-rider problem. You can’t say “I don’t care if the floors get vacuumed,” because that’s clearly passive-aggressive shirking. But it is legit to say “I will vacuum the entire house twice a week without lining up the tracks in a visually appealing fashion. Anything beyond that is on you.” Warning - even though this approach is very reasonable, it might still get resented. No warranty made or implied. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2016, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/55 "2016-06-05T21:30:19Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > I would like my husband to do some therapy. Maybe some sessions together, but focused on him. On how he experiences my “demands” for emotional support and reliable help with chores. Why he balks at those, other then that I don’t ask nicely enough. How he could think of it all differently. > > Does anyone know of a method or… well any type of marriage counseling that is husband focused in this way? Or is it really up to me to fix it all? You have gotten a lot of criticism for this question, but on the contrary I think it’s great that you recognize that (1) counselling is needed, and (2) your husband will feel on the defensive in unfamiliar territory. Which is appropriate, because it’s well documented that women do most of the housework in spite of working the same amount of hours outside the home. This is a legitimate issue, your husband knows it, we all know it. So I think it is wise and sensitive of you to consider his posture. I don’t know that there’s a specific counseling model centered around this, but you can certainly just go to couples therapy and emphasize to your husband and your counselor that it’s not an ambush or a firing squad, it’s a way to make you both happier together, and you are happy to own your share of the therapeutic effort. Which you are, right? ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/56 "2016-06-06T01:26:55Z")
> [@](#): > > So what does an adult do if the other adult chooses to do nothing? Your viewpoint only works if both adults chose to chip in, which is ideal, but not the OP’s situation. Then, after an honest discussion, you kick the person out. Or leave yourself, whichever works better. Why would you want to live with a freeloader? If one spouse is treating the other like a maid/servant, that’s a really big problem. The OP seems to be treating her husband like a hired handyman. What kind of relationship is that? ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/57 "2016-06-06T02:58:56Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Which is appropriate, because it’s well documented that women do most of the housework in spite of working the same amount of hours outside the home. No, that’s not documented at all. What is documented is that ON AVERAGE women do more housework, but it is most definitely not always true, and pretending that all women do more housework in their relationship is unrealistic and sexist. I lived with a woman who only did about 25% of the housework at most even during the times when she was unemployed and I was working full time, in spite of agreeing to do more during those times. The fact that she’s complaining that he doesn’t do the housework _to her standard_ indicates that he is, in fact, doing a significant amount of housework, but that she doesn’t like how he does it. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/58 "2016-06-06T03:28:24Z")
Another vote to get a maid. Will probably be cheaper than therapy. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/59 "2016-06-06T04:46:05Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > No, that’s not documented at all Yeah actually it’s [pretty heavily documented](http://www.thenation.com/article/why-it-matters-women-do-most-housework/). Google “second shift” for a jillion more examples. I’ll help if your fingers are broken. Congratulations on that one anecdote, though, it was really compelling. ---
**Author:** ![KellyCriterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b3f665/32.png) [@KellyCriterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KellyCriterion)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2016, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366/60 "2016-06-06T05:30:10Z")
+1 for hire a cleaner. We did this three years ago, and it has definitely reduced the number of friction points in the relationship. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-marriage-counseling-focused-on-the-husband/756366.md?page=4)