# Does anyone here have experience with Avoidant Personality Disorder? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2014, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862 "2014-04-11T10:59:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2014, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/21 "2014-04-12T22:43:01Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > If your ‘friend’ is under the age of 21 or so, then tagging them with a personality disorder is not the way to go. Fact is, they don’t have enough of a set personality to be disordered. I would hope that no reputable therapist or psychiatrist would treat someone who still of an age to still require a legal guardian for a PD. > > Additionally, what monstro said is quite correct; self-diagnosis is bad juju. The reason they tell folks studying to be therapists _not_ to closely read the DSM is because it’s easy as hell to identify your behavior in all kinds of things. Everyone displays all sorts of criteria for almost every one of the diagnoses contained within the big book; the point is not how many you hit, the point is how much of a negative impact it has on your functionality. If you’re unable to drag yourself out of bed, chances are you have depression that should be looked into. If you’re sad sometimes but still go to work/school every day, sleep well, eat regularly and well, and have good interpersonal relationships, then you’re probably just sad sometimes- even if you want to tag yourself with depression (see: most of the folks who shop at Hot Topic). **With AvPD, if you simply look at the diagnostic criteria, it pretty much paints an excellent picture of the average teenager.** > > Encourage her to call a confidential hot line if she’s thinking of suicide and cutting, don’t allow manipulation tactics like “I fall into despair when you don’t call me,” and stop trying to play armchair therapist. The school counselor may appear useless to her (and you), but if she goes in with the attitude of “I want to talk to someone _outside_ of school, give me a recommendation of someone local” then he can actually be quite helpful. So can a religious figure, if she’s into that kind of thing. This is all good advice. Thanks. As said, we’ve agreed that when they move to the city in a few months, they’re gonna get help. Right now it’s just a matter of it being basically impossible to see a psychiatrist within 20 miles of where they live. I found the bolded particularly interesting… Thanks. > [@CarnalK](#): > > Oh, I missed this part: > > So basically, you are dating a mentally unbalanced high schooler (again?) and you want advice on how to “save” her. How about you let her Mother deal with it. Yes, thank you for this perfectly accurate evaluation of what I’m talking about, which is in no way distorted, overstated, or otherwise completely lacking any relation to the truth. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2014, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/22 "2014-04-12T23:11:50Z")
I would also suggest you look into what it is about _you_ that draws you into these situations. You started a near-identical thread in 2011, down to the depression and suicidal thoughts and cutting. This obviously isn’t the same girl, so there is something about the ‘damsel in alleged distress/broken spirit’ that draws you in. That’s as unhealthy as the issues these girls display, and aren’t going to go away until you figure out what you’re getting out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2014, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/23 "2014-04-12T23:14:34Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > So I often just do my best to pay attention and act invested, and try to point out when there’s a problem. You’re either genuinely interested in helping her or not, you shouldn’t be “acting invested”: that just makes it sound like you’re playing her along in order to get an outcome. And when you’re dealing with a confused teenage girl with mental health issues, that’s both creepy and dangerous. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2014, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/24 "2014-04-13T01:27:55Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > Yes, thank you for this perfectly accurate evaluation of what I’m talking about, which is in no way distorted, overstated, or otherwise completely lacking any relation to the truth. :rolleyes: You’re welcome. You should also listen to bobkitty’s advice. Maybe you should worry more about what mysteriously brings you to become attached to young women in a weakened mental state. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2014, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/25 "2014-04-13T02:51:21Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > Mother. My point exactly. Find a woman - leave the young girls alone. Better for you, better for them. ---
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/26 "2014-04-14T08:01:06Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > I would also suggest you look into what it is about _you_ that draws you into these situations. You started a near-identical thread in 2011, down to the depression and suicidal thoughts and cutting. This obviously isn’t the same girl, so there is something about the ‘damsel in alleged distress/broken spirit’ that draws you in. That’s as unhealthy as the issues these girls display, and aren’t going to go away until you figure out what you’re getting out of it. I don’t know how it keeps happening. I often end up dealing with girls who don’t have the greatest self-esteem, because _I_ don’t have the greatest self-esteem due to weight problems and slightly stronger teenage anxiety than most, but when I started dating her, these problems weren’t apparent. The most I knew was that she was didn’t belong to a clique during recess and was kind of an introvert (like me!) which made her a good bit more approachable than the girls who went around in groups of 5-10, and that she was really into playing music (like me!) which meant we were already spending time together in choir and whatnot. That was all I know when we started out. By the time the other things started to peek through, I was already emotionally invested enough to pretend that they weren’t there, or that they weren’t huge issues, and dumping her over that just seemed kind of awful (plus everything else was great). Fast forward half a year… Yeah. > [@Penfeather](#): > > You’re either genuinely interested in helping her or not, you shouldn’t be “acting invested”: that just makes it sound like you’re playing her along in order to get an outcome. And when you’re dealing with a confused teenage girl with mental health issues, that’s both creepy and dangerous. My wording there was poor. I _am_ interested, but I try to detach myself as much as I can. > [@White SIFL](#): > > My point exactly. Find a woman - leave the young girls alone. Better for you, better for them. But like I said, I’ve been dating this girl pretty much since I got out of high school. I wasn’t going to dump her just because she wasn’t an independent adult then (in fact, in Bavaria you generally aren’t treated as an independent adult until you’re finished with university, at least when it comes to child-care payments), and now I’m definitely not going to - especially not when she’s moving to live closer to me and work as an intern at the same law firm her mother works at within a few months. I dunno what to say. Young love, I guess. Lesson learned - next time I date someone different (which is hopefully never - it may sound bad here, but only because I haven’t taken the time to point out that this relationship is, on the whole, really quite good, save for this single point), look for someone slightly older or the same age and who is not a loner. I don’t mean to sound snippy at all, it’s good advice and something I probably should have considered a year or two ago. It’s just not really helpful to me right now and doesn’t really get me anywhere in terms of figuring out my current problems. …Not that I really need that much more, as the answer “wait until you actually visit a psychiatrist to determine what’s going on, deal with the cutting and suicide ASAP” seems to be pretty much what we’re looking for. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2014, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/27 "2014-04-14T10:22:36Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > I don’t know how it keeps happening. I often end up dealing with girls who don’t have the greatest self-esteem, because _I_ don’t have the greatest self-esteem due to weight problems and slightly stronger teenage anxiety than most, but when I started dating her, these problems weren’t apparent. The most I knew was that she was didn’t belong to a clique during recess and was kind of an introvert (like me!) which made her a good bit more approachable than the girls who went around in groups of 5-10, and that she was really into playing music (like me!) which meant we were already spending time together in choir and whatnot. That was all I know when we started out. By the time the other things started to peek through, I was already emotionally invested enough to pretend that they weren’t there, or that they weren’t huge issues, and dumping her over that just seemed kind of awful (plus everything else was great). Fast forward half a year… Yeah. > > My wording there was poor. I _am_ interested, but I try to detach myself as much as I can. > > But like I said, I’ve been dating this girl pretty much since I got out of high school. I wasn’t going to dump her just because she wasn’t an independent adult then (in fact, in Bavaria you generally aren’t treated as an independent adult until you’re finished with university, at least when it comes to child-care payments), and now I’m definitely not going to - especially not when she’s moving to live closer to me and work as an intern at the same law firm her mother works at within a few months. I dunno what to say. Young love, I guess. > > Lesson learned - next time I date someone different (which is hopefully never - it may sound bad here, but only because I haven’t taken the time to point out that this relationship is, on the whole, really quite good, save for this single point), look for someone slightly older or the same age and who is not a loner. I don’t mean to sound snippy at all, it’s good advice and something I probably should have considered a year or two ago. It’s just not really helpful to me right now and doesn’t really get me anywhere in terms of figuring out my current problems. > > …Not that I really need that much more, as the answer “wait until you actually visit a psychiatrist to determine what’s going on, deal with the cutting and suicide ASAP” seems to be pretty much what we’re looking for. But…isn’t this the young woman whose brother hates you? Who beat her up because she was dating you? If so, then no, everything else isn’t “really quite good”. And even if it’s not and this is a different girl, methinks you aren’t understanding how bad a personality disorder is if you can say that everything else is fine. The self-harm alone is a giant warning flag that she’s not stable and has some serious work ahead of her. It sounds to me that you’re afraid to let her go because you don’t think you’d ever find another girlfriend. But you can. You will. And you know, it might actually benefit you to take a vacation from relationships for awhile, so that you can get over your own issues and find out what you really want. Do you want to constantly have run to someone’s rescue and put out their fires and play Motivational Coach/Big Brother/Psycotherapist/Care-taker/Bodyguard for the rest of your life? Or do you want an equal? Someone who can take care of you and be a source of strength for YOU? How much are you growing emotionally and intellectually by being in this relationship? You’re not a selfish jerk by asking yourself this question. ---
**Author:** ![StrangeBird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e480ec/32.png) [@StrangeBird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrangeBird)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2014, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/28 "2014-04-16T09:30:27Z")
She might find it helpful to access online resources on mental health as a first step. I know you’ve said she identifies as having a personality disorder, but in light of the self-harm, suicidal ideation and low mood, I would think information relating to depression would be relevant for her. This site: [Issues for young people - Beyond Blue](http://www.youthbeyondblue.com/home) is pretty good, though as it is Australian the information on how to seek face-to-face help won’t be as relevant - but there may be something similar that is more US based. For the information on depression, anxiety etc. and the forums it shouldn’t matter that she is not in Australia. ---
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2014, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862/29 "2014-06-19T05:50:19Z")
Hi, I’d just like to point out for the record that you guys were pretty much right - it was just typical teen anxiety and I feel kinda dumb for blowing that up into a potential personality disorder, even if she was the one who brought it up first. She’s out of school (a _very_ abusive environment for her) and everything is just so much better. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-here-have-experience-with-avoidant-personality-disorder/685862.md?page=1)