# Does anyone remember this old joke? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 8, 2007, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220 "2007-06-08T03:30:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/21 "2007-06-10T13:27:07Z")
Elderly woman: Bert, will you take me to the movies? Elderly man: Yes. EW: When we’re in the movie theater, can I hold your hand? EM: Yes. EW: Then when the lights go down, can I hold your thingy? EM: No. EW: But last week, when you took Enid to the movies, you let _her_ hold your thingy. EM: That’s because Enid has Parkinson’s. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/22 "2007-06-10T13:57:55Z")
[QUOTE=Terrorcotta] I’m still looking for the joke that goes with the punchline, “Who goosed the moose?” [/QUOTE] I have a dim memory of that being the punchline to a ‘book’ joke (e.g. _Hole In The Mattress_ by Mister Completely or _Under The Bleachers_ by Seymore Butts) with the author being ‘Hoogoosta Moose’. I recall not liking that one very much, since I’d never heard of anyone named ‘Hoogoosta’. ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/23 "2007-06-10T14:01:03Z")
[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.] I have a dim memory of that being the punchline to a ‘book’ joke (e.g. _Hole In The Mattress_ by Mister Completely or _Under The Bleachers_ by Seymore Butts) with the author being ‘Hoogoosta Moose’. I recall not liking that one very much, since I’d never heard of anyone named ‘Hoogoosta’. [/QUOTE] My memory has it the same way. Man, there were sure a bunch of those “books.” ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2007, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/24 "2007-06-10T14:08:15Z")
I was going OK until I got to **TLD** ’s joke. I laughed so hard I had to lay my head down to avoid blacking out. ---
**Author:** ![Terrorcotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@Terrorcotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrorcotta)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/25 "2007-06-11T13:17:20Z")
[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.] I have a dim memory of that being the punchline to a ‘book’ joke (e.g. _Hole In The Mattress_ by Mister Completely or _Under The Bleachers_ by Seymore Butts) with the author being ‘Hoogoosta Moose’. I recall not liking that one very much, since I’d never heard of anyone named ‘Hoogoosta’. [/QUOTE] Ahhhh! A clue! That might help. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/26 "2007-06-11T13:23:53Z")
[QUOTE=Zeldar] My memory has it the same way. Man, there were sure a bunch of those “books.” [/QUOTE] The title being sought is _Antlers in the Tree Tops…_ Old, kiddy safe joke I remembered this morning: What does a 300 lb canary say? Chirp! ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/27 "2007-06-11T13:38:41Z")
Three dear old ladies are at the seaside walking along the promenade. One says “Isn’t it windy?”. The second one says “No, it’s Thursday.” And the third one says “So am I - let’s go and have a cup of tea.” * * * A little further along the promenade a dapper old gent happens upon three young ladies who are all weeping and wailing. So he invites them to a nearby café for a cup of tea and a biscuit to cheer them up. Bringing the teapot to the table he cheerily asks, “Now, who’s going to be mother?\*”. … And all three young ladies start weeping and wailing again. (\* English for “Who wants to pour the tea?” ) ---
**Author:** ![Fir\_na\_tine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fir\_na\_tine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fir_na_tine)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/28 "2007-06-11T16:29:49Z")
[QUOTE=Malacandra] A little further along the promenade a dapper old gent happens upon three young ladies who are all weeping and wailing. So he invites them to a nearby café for a cup of tea and a biscuit to cheer them up. Bringing the teapot to the table he cheerily asks, “Now, who’s going to be mother?\*”. … And all three young ladies start weeping and wailing again. (\* English for “Who wants to pour the tea?” ) [/QUOTE] That one needs some splaining. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/29 "2007-06-11T17:21:09Z")
Maybe the young ladies are weeping and wailing because they’re unmarried and pregnant? The innocent “mother” comment sets them off. ?? ---
**Author:** ![Risha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@Risha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Risha)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/30 "2007-06-11T17:22:29Z")
[QUOTE=Fir na tine] That one needs some splaining. [/QUOTE] Took me a minute, but I think that the three girls were all crying because they’re pregnant. ETA: Darn it, **AuntiePam** beat me to it. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/31 "2007-06-11T17:25:41Z")
So the old man takes his wife to the doctors and asks him to give her a thorough exam because she just hasn’t seemed right lately. Doc gives her a complete workup and comes back with the verdict that she either has Altzheimer’s or AIDS. Old man asks, “What do you recommend I do?” Doc responds, “Take her for a nice long drive in the country, kick her out of the car and drive off. If she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.” ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2007, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/32 "2007-06-11T18:37:26Z")
The old man had a few too many to drinks at the bar and as usual his wife was nagging him that it was time to go. He was driving haphazardly when the cop pulled him over. The old man looked a bit panicked. The cop asked him “Do you know why I pulled you over tonight?” “No.” replied the old man. “Well, about 2 miles back I noticed your wife fell out of the passenger door. But you just kept on driving.” The old man looked relieved. “Oh, thank god officer. For a moment there I thought I had gone deaf.” ---
**Author:** ![Terrorcotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@Terrorcotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrorcotta)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2007, 11:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/33 "2007-06-12T11:25:39Z")
[QUOTE=VunderBob] The title being sought is _Antlers in the Tree Tops…_ [/QUOTE] Thank’s Dopers! The 30 year old mystery has been solved! I am so relieved. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2007, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/34 "2007-06-12T16:10:21Z")
Two old codgers are nursing their third martinis. Orville says, “Yesterday, a beautiful young woman approached me on the street. She stood extremely close, and she told me she’d do anything I wanted for $100!” Dudley, goggle-eyed, says, “Sweet Mercy, Orv, what did you do? Tell me!” Orville checks his watch and says, “She’s painting my porch right now.” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2007, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/35 "2007-06-12T18:25:12Z")
Okay, guess I’ll be the one to tell it: An elderly man goes to see the doctor. The doctor runs some tests, comes back, and says, “I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?” gulp…“I guess the bad news.” “The bad news is, you have terminal cancer, you have six months to live.” “Cancer?! Well, what’s the GOOD news?” “The good news is, you have Alzheimer’s.” “Alzheimer’s?! Well, what’s the BAD news?” * * * The old man says to his wife, “I’m going into town to apply for social security.” His wife says, “Henry, you don’t have a birth certificate, you can’t get social security without proof of how old you are.” But he goes to town anyway. That afternoon, he returns home with a check. “So,” his wife asks, “how’d you prove how old you are?” He smiles. “I just pulled open my shirt and showed 'em all the gray hairs on my chest.” She smirks. “You should’ve dropped your pants and applied for disability.” * * * Three old ladies are on a park bench. Suddenly, a flasher leaps out and flashes them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke. The third old lady’s arms were too short to reach. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2007, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220/36 "2007-06-12T19:12:47Z")
An elderly couple is sitting in church one Sunday morning. Midway through the sermon the wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let a silent fart. What should I do?” Her husband replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-anyone-remember-this-old-joke/407220.md?page=1)