# Does everyone, gay or straight, seek out a mate like their parent? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2015, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877 "2015-05-12T18:36:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/1 "2015-05-12T18:36:40Z")
Without getting deeply into the Oedipus complex and Freud, I’m given to understand men marry women who remind them somehow of their mothers, and women marry men who remind them somehow of their fathers. I kind of understand how that works. I also know it’s not just looks, but how the prospective mate behaves - bossy, or kind. Snotty or nurturing. What happens with a gay man? Does he also seek out partners who remind him of his mother - or his father? I used to be friendly with a gay man at work and he was simply mad for blond men, they were his ‘type’. A lot of them disappointed him in that they didn’t measure up somehow. Both his parents were very intellectual, and both were blond. It might be a simplistic question, but was he looking for his mother or his father in this fixation with blond haired men? Or was it something else completely, like he was ‘imprinted’ at an early age? I don’t want to say ‘fetish’, but blond hair was a must for my work friend! ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/2 "2015-05-12T18:41:58Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Without getting deeply into the Oedipus complex and Freud, I’m given to understand men marry women who remind them somehow of their mothers, and women marry men who remind them somehow of their fathers. Nope, not for anyone in my family. In my extended family you would find a few, but for the most part I don’t see it happening in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/3 "2015-05-12T18:57:23Z")
I highly disagree that this is the case. I think you need to prove that first. I ended up with a man who was very different from my dad in many ways - diametrically opposite in some. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/4 "2015-05-12T19:07:52Z")
Since I don’t think the premise of the OP has been scientifically established, let’s move this to IMHO. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/5 "2015-05-12T19:19:40Z")
Absolutely not. Some people, in fact, intentionally seek out mates very different in personality from their parents. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/6 "2015-05-12T20:33:26Z")
> [@Colibri](#): > > Since I don’t think the premise of the OP has been scientifically established, let’s move this to IMHO. > > Colibri > General Questions Moderator Actually there are quite a few studies on it, and it seems to be pretty much accepted by the psychological community, from what I can tell. A few sample links: > **[Study demonstrates sexual attraction to those who resemble our parents,...](https://medicalxpress.com/news/2010-07-sexual-resemble-parents.html)** > > (PhysOrg.com) -- Researchers reporting in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin last week say people are drawn to others who resemble their parents or themselves. This may explain why incest taboos are found in many cultures - to counter a... > **[Study: Our Mates Look Like Mom and Dad](https://www.livescience.com/2830-study-mates-mom-dad.html)** > > Men like women who resemble dear old mom, and women like men who look like dear old dad. > **[Why Your Partner May Be Like Your Parent](https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/tech-support/201405/why-your-partner-may-be-like-your-parent)** > > Are you in danger of marrying your unloving mother or have you already? ---
**Author:** ![grude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@grude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grude)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/7 "2015-05-12T20:54:31Z")
There seems to be a big assumption in that first article: > [@](#): > > University of Illinois psychologist, Chris Fraley, said there had been a century-long debate on whether incest taboos are psychological or cultural adaptations designed to suppress a biological urge. > > Read more at: [Study demonstrates sexual attraction to those who resemble our parents, ourselves](http://phys.org/news/2010-07-sexual-resemble-parents.html#jCp) They are assuming a universal biological urge that most people go against, and then attributing that to adaptations. Could be just as likely the urge is not universal. ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/8 "2015-05-12T21:26:08Z")
Both my brothers did, to their everlasting regret. I didn’t, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/9 "2015-05-12T21:45:04Z")
I think it’d be very difficult to prove or disprove the “seeking out a mate like your father” theory, because it’d be easy both to list the ways in which your mate is like your parent, and to list the ways your mate is not like your parent. They’ll probably both have a lot in common, and not have a lot in common. So if you want to say that your mate is like your parent, think of what they have in common. If you want to say your mate and your parent are not alike, think about how they’re different. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/10 "2015-05-12T21:47:13Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > What happens with a gay man? Does he also seek out partners who remind him of his mother - or his father? Not at all in my case . . . or in that of my partner. Neither of us bears significant resemblance to either of the other’s parents . . . neither physically nor any other way. But there’s something strange, on my part: I have 100% Jewish ancestry, and my favorite “type” is people with stereotypical Jewish looks . . . dark features, elongated head shape, long narrow nose. The strange thing is that none of my relatives, including my extended family, have these features. I’m also attracted to very tall men, and there are none in my family. I have no idea where these preferences come from. ---
**Author:** ![congodwarf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@congodwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/congodwarf)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2015, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/11 "2015-05-12T22:51:26Z")
Based on my fiance and me, no way. He is NOTHING like either of my parents (thank god). I am nothing like either of his parents (a bit of their drive would be good for me though). If I met a guy like my dad, I’d run for the hills. Last thing I need in my life is another neurotic, arrogant, unfaithful (to women), opinionated, holier-than-the-Pope Catholic in my life. My oldest sister’s first husband was creepily like our father. My middle sister has never chosen someone like our father but her first husband was worse than my father could ever be. My father and my stepfather are about as far from my grandfather as it’s possible to be while still being the same species. ---
**Author:** ![funky\_little\_lee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e95f7d/32.png) [@funky\_little\_lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/funky_little_lee)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/12 "2015-05-13T02:03:38Z")
I adored my dad and we were very close…but OH HELL NO. ---
**Author:** ![Marion\_Wormer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Marion\_Wormer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marion_Wormer)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/13 "2015-05-13T03:56:27Z")
I think this is one of the occasions where I could cheerfully say “confirmation bias.” When you see someone marry a partner that looks like a parent you notice and go “uh-huh.” and fail to notice all the occasions where it didn’t happen. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/14 "2015-05-13T11:54:19Z")
> [@Marion\_Wormer](#): > > I think this is one of the occasions where I could cheerfully say “confirmation bias.” When you see someone marry a partner that looks like a parent you notice and go “uh-huh.” and fail to notice all the occasions where it didn’t happen. I don’t really know the parents of most of my friends. I’ve met some and I might be able to recognize if they look vaguely the same as a spouse, but I couldn’t tell you what the parents are really like. The best I could do would be a superficial physical resemblance, or maybe profession. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/15 "2015-05-13T15:28:04Z")
> [@Marion\_Wormer](#): > > I think this is one of the occasions where I could cheerfully say “confirmation bias.” When you see someone marry a partner that looks like a parent you notice and go “uh-huh.” and fail to notice all the occasions where it didn’t happen. Not just looks, though - someone can resemble a parent in personality even if not in looks. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/16 "2015-05-13T16:16:23Z")
I am not at all like my mother-in-law, so my husband most definitely didn’t marry me for that reason. And I’m not slamming her - she’s a very sweet lady whose life, choices, education, and temperament are in no way similar to mine, other than she went to high school in Indiana and I went to Purdue in Indiana. Nor are we remotely similar physically, apart from both being female. My husband is roughly the height and build of my late dad, and every once in a while, he’ll do something that reminds me of my dad, which is weird, since they never spent a lot of time together. But in personality, interests, politics, and alcohol preferences, they were very different. In fact, thinking of the men my 3 sisters married, not a one is remotely like our dad, either in looks or in personality. And the pushy bitch my brother is dating is meaner than our mother… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/17 "2015-05-13T16:19:13Z")
How does this match up with interracial relationships? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/18 "2015-05-13T16:46:45Z")
Well why didn’t my wife tell me that’s what she wanted? I better get right to boozing, doping, smoking and cheating, then. Of course, even with all that my FIL will probably outlive me. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/19 "2015-05-13T16:59:24Z")
I would only seek out someone like Mom so I could actively avoid speaking with her–as I do with Mom. So, no. That said, I am superficially different from my father-in-law, but at our cores we are very similar–kind to a fault, a bit overweight, inquisitive, and unafraid of challenges. I’m also 13 years older than my wife, so there might be some Freud at work. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2015, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877/20 "2015-05-13T17:10:58Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > How does this match up with interracial relationships? Personality wise, someone can be very similar to your father or mother, even if appearance-wise totally different. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-gay-or-straight-seek-out-a-mate-like-their-parent/719877.md?page=2)