# Does everyone have a dirty secret? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 17, 2013, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205 "2013-06-17T20:03:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Virgil\_Tibbs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@Virgil\_Tibbs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Virgil_Tibbs)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/1 "2013-06-17T20:03:25Z")
If you could read minds, would you discover that everyone has a dirty secret that you would find shocking? Limiting this to adults, I suspect it would be true of 90% of people. Sexual abuse, domestic violence, suicide attempts, prostitution, self-harm, hit and runs, stealing, addictions… I think almost everyone has something to hide. Sometimes I wonder who I’m sitting next to at work or on the bus. Or am I wrong? Are most people essentially blameless? ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/2 "2013-06-17T20:13:00Z")
I initially thought “Yeah, I have a few skeletons in my closet” then I read …. > [@Virgil\_Tibbs](#): > > Sexual abuse, domestic violence, suicide attempts, prostitution, self-harm, hit and runs, stealing, addictions… Holy shit ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/3 "2013-06-17T20:15:02Z")
I would say it’s even higher than 90% percent. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/4 "2013-06-17T20:20:19Z")
I went through a mental list people I know really well - well enough that I’m sure I’d know their secrets. Of those fifteen six have real secrets, six are pretty blameless, and three have what they think are dirty shameful secrets, when in truth no one cares (one is an older lady who was pregnant before she got married, one is gay but not out to everyone in his family) ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/5 "2013-06-17T20:22:44Z")
I think most people have things in their history or their thoughts that they would prefer to keep private. I’m not sure I like you opposing the things on your list with the opposite of “blameless”. If there’s something I would prefer to keep private does that make me “blameful”? Even if it is something I have triumphed over or been forgiven for? The implication of “dirty secret” is that if we knew the thing we would judge the person. But if we could read minds and knew the thing we would also know all the history, all the conflicts, all the remorse, all the confusion. Would we still judge? ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/6 "2013-06-17T20:24:01Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > I went through a mental list people I know really well - well enough that I’m sure I’d know their secrets. Of those fifteen six have real secrets, six are pretty blameless, and three have what they think are dirty shameful secrets, when in truth no one cares (one is an older lady who was pregnant before she got married, one is gay but not out to everyone in his family) No one knows my secrets, no matter how well they know me. Or think they do. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/7 "2013-06-17T20:24:12Z")
> [@Virgil\_Tibbs](#): > > Sexual abuse, domestic violence, suicide attempts, prostitution, self-harm, hit and runs, stealing, addictions… I think almost everyone has something to hide. Sometimes I wonder who I’m sitting next to at work or on the bus. > > Or am I wrong? Are most people essentially blameless? You’re putting “self-harm” and “suicide attempts” on a list of things to blame people for? ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/8 "2013-06-17T20:25:08Z")
I have a feeling that we might be surprised by the level of banality we’d find. ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/9 "2013-06-17T20:27:31Z")
I have a secret or two, which most people who know me would consider somewhat shocking, but nothing that I consider “dirty”, it is just private. And nothing like the list of criminal activity that you provide. I sincerely doubt that 90% of the general public is hiding secrets of that sort. Did you have something you wanted to tell us? Roddy ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/10 "2013-06-17T20:27:36Z")
Seriously, do you honestly think 90% of people have one of the things on that list in their past? ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/11 "2013-06-17T20:28:08Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > No one knows my secrets, no matter how well they know me. Or think they do. Yeah, I don’t even rate on Virgil’s list and there are things that I fully intend on taking to the grave. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/12 "2013-06-17T20:47:59Z")
Thinking about it further, some of the people I’ve been thinking about have what they believe are secrets that are minor in comparison with some other stuff that gets blabbed all over. I have one friend who would be near tears confessing that she stole a pair of plastic ladybug earrings from Woolworths in 1976, and honestly believe that’s a secret she should take to her grave. I counted her in the six with no secrets. An acquaintance talks about the two abortions she’s had casually, and in front of strangers in a way that leads me to believe she thinks everybody in the room has had one or more. So she probably doesn’t have any secrets either. I think the word “dirty” is throwing me off. And the list is a little all over the place. I don’t think of a suicide attempt as a dirty secret, but should be as private as the person wishes. Is sexual abuse on the list from the point of view or an abuser or someone who’s been abused? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/13 "2013-06-17T20:52:42Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Seriously, do you honestly think 90% of people have one of the things on that list in their past? I would think it’s pretty close. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/14 "2013-06-17T20:56:51Z")
I think most people have something that they don’t want the world at large to know. But I also bet for a lot of people it’s something dumb like, “nobody must \*ever \*know that I masturbate. I am so ashamed.” ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/15 "2013-06-17T21:01:18Z")
I think everybody has something they don’t tell anyone. I’m an unusually open person and even I have things I don’t tell. But it’s not necessarily scandalous stuff, you know. I haven’t witnessed any murders or anything. It’s more stuff I don’t want to be judged for, or really humiliating experiences I’ve had that I’d rather pretend never happened. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2013, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/16 "2013-06-17T21:16:29Z")
Speaking just for myself, I don’t think there’s anyone that knows all of my secrets, but put everyone I know together, they probably know almost all of it. Of the stuff they wouldn’t know, it’s almost entirely just because I haven’t really felt the need. The only stuff I can think of that I wouldn’t openly tell anyone isn’t because it’s dark or even dirty, just a few things I feel some shame about, but even that, I know some people know. So, I really don’t think I have a dirty secret, certainly nothing close to the list in the OP. As for others, I suppose you never really know you don’t know something about someone if you don’t know, but I do have a few friends I’m fairly certain that if they have some dirty secret, they would have told me, since I’ve heard some pretty bad things from them. Really, I tend to trust people not to be like that. Maybe I’m naive. I’m more inclined to think that people who think a lot of other people have those kinds of secrets probably just generally distrust people, or likely have those sorts of secrets and those who don’t probably generally trust others and don’t have those kinds of secrets. So, trying to be realistic, I imagine the truth is somewhere in between. And, also, I think there’s some relativity involved. What is a shameful and terrible dark secret to one person is no big deal to another. Hell, one person will take being secretly gay, an abortion, cheating, theft, whatever to their grave and another person will see that same secret as no big deal, and that will color how that person sees other people’s secrets. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/17 "2013-06-18T00:41:37Z")
I would agree there is an aspect of Catholic/Jewish/[plug in religion] guilt involved. My grandmother was livid with the Catholic church when they changed the rules of eating meat on Fridays - her beloved brother had been thrown out of the family house when she was young because he had eaten meat on a Friday…but in her mind, she would probably have taken this “secret” of eating meat on one Friday in 1923 as some horrible sin. She also refused to celebrate her and my grandfather’s 50th wedding anniversay on the “real date” - and had it postponed for a year. Why? Because she had not waited the full one year of mourning for her first husband who died, and got re-married “only” after 11 months. As if anyone was still alive who would have noticed and remembered…but it was a HUGE deal for her. A shameful secret. So, just from my good old Italian grandma, those are a couple of examples of what she would have considered horrible, dirty secrets. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/18 "2013-06-18T01:05:00Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > You’re putting “self-harm” and “suicide attempts” on a list of things to blame people for? yeah, man, what the shit? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/19 "2013-06-18T01:15:10Z")
The only dirty secrets I have are porn-related. Oh, and what I did with the bodies. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2013, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205/20 "2013-06-18T01:23:40Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > I have a feeling that we might be surprised by the level of banality we’d find. Exactly. Everyone believes they have a horrible secret, but for the most part it will be pretty bland stuff that bothers them rather than anything really actionable. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-everyone-have-a-dirty-secret/661205.md?page=2)