# Does it bother you to unintentionally hurt someone else's feelings? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 27, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266 "2011-11-27T19:45:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/1 "2011-11-27T19:45:04Z")
Before you vote, please bear in mind what the question is _not_. I am _not_ asking if you ever hurt people’s feelings by accident. I am _not_ asking if you ever deliberately other’s feelings. I am _not_ asking if certain forms of speech should be banned because they have the potential to hurt sensitive persons. I am asking how likely you are to be distressed if you realize you have said something that hurts the feelings of another person. No need to wait for a poll, as there isn’t one. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/2 "2011-11-27T19:48:48Z")
Yes, and I am much more distressed and guilty than is reasonable in most cases. Ah, social anxiety. I still cringe emotionally at the memories of relatively minor tactless things I said years and years ago… the person I said them to probably doesn’t even remember. I also hate rejecting men romantically, though that’s pretty irrational. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/3 "2011-11-27T19:56:06Z")
It depends on the person. There are some people who are so ultra senstive that it’s impossible not to hurt their feelings. When I accidentally say something that hurts someone else’s feelings and I can see how it could have been avoided - then I apologize and usually feel bad for a period of time. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/4 "2011-11-27T20:00:53Z")
I try very hard to be polite and respectful. If I say something hurtful it does bother me. I try to apologize and hope the person understands it wasn’t personal. I need to be more careful about sending thank you cards. Visiting people in the hospital. Things like that are so important and I’m just rubbish at it. ---
**Author:** ![Bloodless\_Turnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@Bloodless\_Turnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bloodless_Turnip)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/5 "2011-11-27T20:04:09Z")
I ditto what **rhubarbarin** said. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/6 "2011-11-27T20:24:09Z")
Like **Moonlitherial** said, it depends on the person. I know someone whose feelings I seem to “hurt” every time I say something that disagrees with what she thinks or feels. I don’t feel bad at all any more. I think some people enjoy having their feelings hurt. Other than that, if I do say something that accidentally hurts someone’s feelings, I apologize, but I don’t dwell on it. I don’t go on feeling bad for ages or anything. ---
**Author:** ![slm2955](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c6cbf5/32.png) [@slm2955](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slm2955)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/7 "2011-11-27T21:21:04Z")
Yes, b/c I don’t like to hurt other people’s feelings ---
**Author:** ![Renee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/renee/32/287_2.png) [@Renee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Renee)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/8 "2011-11-27T21:23:17Z")
Yes. I torture myself over unintended slights for years. I can still recount hurtful foot-in-the-mouth things I said in high school. ---
**Author:** ![SeaCanary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@SeaCanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaCanary)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/9 "2011-11-27T21:26:18Z")
Yes, it bothers me to unintentionally hurt someone else’s feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/10 "2011-11-27T21:26:33Z")
> [@Bloodless\_Turnip](#): > > I ditto what **rhubarbarin** said. Yea, same here. ---
**Author:** ![Peeta\_Mellark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc8723/32.png) [@Peeta\_Mellark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peeta_Mellark)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/11 "2011-11-27T21:29:51Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > Yes, and I am much more distressed and guilty than is reasonable in most cases. Ah, social anxiety. > > I still cringe emotionally at the memories of relatively minor tactless things I said years and years ago… the person I said them to probably doesn’t even remember. I’m much the same way. I’ve had panic attacks before over thinking I might have hurt someone’s feelings. I’ve gotten better recently thanks to a lot of effort, but unintentionally hurting someone’s feelings still agonizes me to a certain degree. Seeing someone else unintentionally hurt a person’s feelings makes me cringe, too. ---
**Author:** ![Bhoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ce73a5/32.png) [@Bhoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bhoe)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/12 "2011-11-27T21:37:14Z")
It depends on my relationship to the person. I know it sounds messed up, but if I don’t like the person I really don’t care. Unless if was someone I was close to, I wouldn’t really care. Going by the situation, I didn’t mean offense. So, it wouldn’t bother me and I’d probably forget it. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/13 "2011-11-27T21:46:59Z")
I think it depends on how offended they are and how important it was that I said what I said the way I said it. I can’t get too upset when I offend someone when I did everything reasonably possible to forestall giving offense. And there are some things that I just don’t think it okay to get offended about. I don’t want to voice them here, as it would likely offend some people. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/14 "2011-11-27T22:02:04Z")
If someone is going to flip out just because I said, “You look nice today”, then I’m probably not going to be feel anything except contempt. But if I tell a joke involving a dead cat, and someone sadly says their cat just died, I will feel bad. Even if I think they were being a wet blanket (how am I supposed to know your cat died?!), I would feel guilty for causing bad feelings. About two weeks ago I got angry at a co-worker and didn’t try to hide it. It had a negative effect on her–enough for her to tell me afterwards that she told her boyfriend about it and he had to cheer her up. I apologized and bought her a donut to make up for it. But to be honest? I wasn’t sorry at all. I had reacted to her being a twit, and though I didn’t call her a twit, she needed to face the consequences of that kind of behavior so that it would stop. I didn’t intend to hurt her, but I’m not going to swallow my emotions just so that everyone is happy all the time either. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/15 "2011-11-27T22:07:10Z")
It bothers me when I hurt someone’s feelings. If I put my foot in my mouth, I feel stupid as well as feeling bad. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/16 "2011-11-27T22:08:36Z")
Absolutely, it bothers me. Anything that allows the possibility of any other human being being hurt by me, or disappointed in me bothers me to an extent that most likely isn’t healthy. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/17 "2011-11-27T22:11:40Z")
Yes, it bothers me. ---
**Author:** ![Madame\_Joy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@Madame\_Joy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madame_Joy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/18 "2011-11-27T22:27:55Z")
Yes it does. One thing about it that particularly bothers me is that the other person might have thought I was being intentionally hurtful. Related to that is the idea that I would be seen as a thoughtless person. I really try to be careful about what I say, but I’m not always aware of how someone else might take a thing, and sometimes things just come out wrong. It feels a little shameful when I see that one of those has happened. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/19 "2011-11-27T22:32:01Z")
It doesn’t bother me to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings if the reason is right. Unintentional doesn’t even cause a blip in the line. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2011, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266/20 "2011-11-27T22:43:54Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > It depends on the person. There are some people who are so ultra senstive that it’s impossible not to hurt their feelings. And unfortunately, there are people who use it as a weapon. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-to-unintentionally-hurt-someone-elses-feelings/604266.md?page=2)