# Does it bother you when people love their kids? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 20, 2011, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810 "2011-12-20T03:54:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/41 "2011-12-20T16:45:13Z")
Generally I love to see people clearly adoring their children and even doting on them - I don’t even mind if they ‘spoil’ them a bit (as long as they aren’t clearly turning the child into a brat by being too permissive). This is probably because I like children, would like to have my own, and had a mother who didn’t/doesn’t like me much and wasn’t nice to me. But I understand what the OP is saying, when it comes to some people. I know I’m going to love my own kids a lot but I think I will be a much more hands-off parent in many ways than some people I know. Family is so important but you can have kids without everything in your life being about kid stuff, 24/7… My dad was actually a bit like that; he just loved us SO MUCH and it was bordering on an obsession in some ways. Frankly, he often annoyed me and made me a bit uncomfortable with the sheer intensity of his doting love, even as a small child. In his case it had a lot to do with his personal issues;’ he was adopted and very very different from everyone in his family, so having 3 little people who looked and acted like him kind of blew his mind. He could spend all day identifying with us. ---
**Author:** ![kushiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kushiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kushiel)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/42 "2011-12-20T17:08:29Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > Hoo boy! > > You parents of toddlers–and even the crawly infants–boyoboyoboy are you gonna be in DEEP TROUBLE. > > Teen years? Ah, yeah, those are a genuine PITA. > > But listen…just wait until you have your first GRANDCHILD. > > You thought you fell in love HARD when you held your own baby? HAH! Peanuts compared to a GRANDCHILD. > > And the BEST part is that you can just sit and WATCH that precious thing, and admire how she breathes, and see the world opening before her very eyes. You have the TIME to appreciate a baby. > > Oh MY! > ~VOW It’s so crazy watching my mom with my brother’s kid. She’s just so fascinated by the little bugger! Every time I speak with her on the phone she tells me of some cute little quirk and how close my niece is to walking. I’m pretty sure my niece is just like an interactive television to my parents! ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/43 "2011-12-20T17:11:02Z")
Considering there are kids out there tonight that are going to have the unholy hell beaten out of them (among other things) for no reason other than they were born to monsters, nope, overly gushy parents don’t bother me one bit. Yes, you can go overboard in praising your children but so what? I’d rather see a kid OVERconfident than under. Life will knock them down a few pegs, may as well start out with a little too much self-esteem and end up normal than end up with “normal” self esteem then end up hating yourself by your mid 20s or so. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/44 "2011-12-20T18:32:25Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > Hoo boy! > > You parents of toddlers–and even the crawly infants–boyoboyoboy are you gonna be in DEEP TROUBLE. > > Teen years? Ah, yeah, those are a genuine PITA. > > But listen…just wait until you have your first GRANDCHILD. > > You thought you fell in love HARD when you held your own baby? HAH! Peanuts compared to a GRANDCHILD. > > And the BEST part is that you can just sit and WATCH that precious thing, and admire how she breathes, and see the world opening before her very eyes. You have the TIME to appreciate a baby. > > Oh MY! > ~VOW Oh, YEAH! ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/45 "2011-12-20T19:10:50Z")
The only time it bothers me is if it is bothering the kids. Like, when they are obviously distressed and trying to get away but the adult keeps forcing them to “cuddle.” There’s something about a forced hug that brings out an incredible level of revulsion in me. However, if the kids ok with it, the parents can act like goofuses if they want and its all good. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/46 "2011-12-20T19:51:50Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > I had great parents but to be honest my recollection of childhood was that it really wasn’t an especially happy time. People tend to look at kids at the fact that (a) they will complain about things adults do not and (b) they have no adult responsibilities, and think that kids have it great. But, you know, that just wasn’t the way it was for me, and it’s not the way it is for most kids. Kids have disappointments and stress and pain and uncertainty every day. They have few responsibilities but that is countered by the fact that they are powerless to control their lives, and shit hits them from all sides. They worry about bullies, they worry about a mean teacher, they worry about what their parents will do when they fail, they worry about not fitting in. They aren’t listened to seriously, even when something is deathly serious to them. If a beloved toy breaks that’s a heartbreaking event; if a pet dies it’s a tragedy. They deal with family conflicts and stuff without really knowing how to deal with it; my parents would have awful screaming arguments and all I could do was hide in my room. My daughter is dealing with her parents divorcing and I think she’s doing okay but I know it hurts her. > > For kids, life sucks jut as much as it does for adults. And it’s not going to get any better. They’re going to become teenagers and that will suck, and then they’ll go to college and that will suck, and then they’ll get jobs and that will suck, and along the line there will be broken hearts, bad friends, school disappointments, lost games and embarassing moments. Life blows. > > So you know what? I’m going to go home tonight and I’m going to kiss my little girl all over her little cheeks and tell her what a smart and funny and beautiful little girl she is, and tickle her and watch Ren and Stimpy with her and just generally treat her like a princess, because at six years old she really doesn’t need any more shit. She needs some time where someone is unconditionally, purely loving her, a few moments where she knows that to one person in the world she’s the best thing there ever was. The world’s going to kick her in the ass again and again and again for the next eighty or ninety years, so frankly, she could use a little boost from her Daddy now and then. If you can’t get joy from your parents loving you then what the hell can you get joy from? I loved everything you said here. Beautiful. I had wonderful parents, who while loving me unconditionally, could not shelter me from the real disappointments this world has to offer, nor did they try. But they hugged me and kissed me and told me that they loved me. I knew it and felt it. To this day (I’m 34), I know I have no bigger fans. No one will ever love me like my parents do. And when my first arrives (in approximately 6 weeks), I am going to love the shit out of him. I want him to know that no matter what life throws at him, he has at least one person who loves him unconditionally. ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/47 "2011-12-20T19:57:14Z")
And don’t forget just watching them sleep. I love it. Of course now that he has his own place it tends to freak his girlfriend out a bit… ---
**Author:** ![Grey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b782af/32.png) [@Grey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grey)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/48 "2011-12-20T20:10:13Z")
Creepiest book ever. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/49 "2011-12-20T20:43:11Z")
> [@ecoaster](#): > > Intentionally ambiguous/misleading question, intended to provoke a convo… > > Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when I see parents loving their kids (infants/toddlers/ young children) so much. Like I get this sneaking suspicion that the love and affection is actually masking some deeper personal insecurity. Normally I feel this with parents in their early 30s who lavish attention and praise on their kid(s) or who act like the child is the center of the universe. Just to be clear, parents should love their kids, but sometimes the expression of it seems so selfish and narrow. Or overbearing. > > Oddly I am a very emotional/sentimental guy and I like kids just fine even though I don’t have any of my own (I am in a committed relationship and I had a very good upbringing, BTW). My parents loved me (any my sibs) but I certainly don’t remember them treating us like we were little saints. > > I don’t get annoyed by kids in the least, just overly-loving parents…anyone else? If my demonstrations of affection for my son bother you, by all means, close your eyes or walk far away. I’m not going to stop. And I couldn’t care less whether you think my affection is sincere or not. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/50 "2011-12-20T21:19:03Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Maybe. And maybe it’s parents that brag about their kids as a way of self-validation. That can be annoying. Yeah. I can think of one local mother who’s so over-the-top enthusiastic gushing about her new mummy-life and mummy-friends and mummy-this-n-that, that you just know she’s insecure about something deep down, and most likely to crack with post-partum depression out of all the parents I know. The other ones are much more realistic and just as likely to bend your ear about how many times they’ve been puked on, how little sleep they’ve had, as to tell you about the latest achievement Junior’s got up to. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2011, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/51 "2011-12-20T21:23:26Z")
> [@hermette](#): > > Yeah. I can think of one local mother who’s so over-the-top enthusiastic gushing about her new mummy-life and mummy-friends and mummy-this-n-that, that you just know she’s insecure about something deep down, and most likely to crack with post-partum depression out of all the parents I know. Yep. I was thinking in particular of someone I knew who was constantly gushing about her kids in a way that said “Notice and appreciate what a Supermom I am.” ---
**Author:** ![Maiira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f04885/32.png) [@Maiira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maiira)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/52 "2011-12-21T07:27:39Z")
I’m not bothered by lots of affection, but it makes me ache a little if just because my own mom wasn’t terribly affectionate. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great mom, but she just doesn’t have the kind of personality where she’d swoop in and cuddle us if we scraped our knees. She’d help us up, dust us off, clean our wounds and send us on our way, but she wouldn’t go on and on about her “poor little injured baby.” And that’s kind of interesting that I feel that way, because on the rare occasions where she DID show that kind of affection, it was always awkward and weird. One thing that gets me about some parents is that they seem to lose their identity completely. I don’t really see this in public, but on the net (though not necessarily on the Dope) I’ll sometimes see folks who introduce themselves as “\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'s mommy.” Or the ONLY thing they’ll talk about is their child. It’s like the parent doesn’t exist anymore, which, quite frankly, scares the crap out of me. I HATE the idea of losing my identity like that, because I’m continuously discovering new things about myself, and I don’t want to lose all of that just because I had a kid. I think it would be doing both me and my kid a great disservice, because then they would never truly get to know me. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/53 "2011-12-21T07:39:59Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > And the BEST part is that you can just sit and WATCH that precious thing, and admire how she breathes, and see the world opening before her very eyes. You have the TIME to appreciate a baby. And when the poop hits the diaper, you get to say “uh, Bro? Change required”. And when your Bro is waxing poetic about how good his baby daughter is with jigsaws, you get to say “her brother’s sister, you know”, and then when he says the boy wasn’t this good at that age, you get to remind your brother that “well, she’s been exposed to jigsaws since before she could crawl; he got his first at the age she is now, courtesy of his Evil Aunt, and if I recall correctly (which you know I do), that Corrupting Toy got me a glare from a certain Bro of mine”. And then your Bro says “you… you… you’re evil!” and you get to grin from ear to ear. Why, yes, I’m nuts about my nephews, why do you ask? And I find it hilarious that their arrival has meant a chance to go on educating… their father. I’d love to be more physically affectionate with them, but Bro and his wife look at our side of the family like we have something contagious any time we or the kids initiate a hug, rather than getting one because They decreed so ☹ Apparently we should get a hug every time we meet, and a kiss on the cheek every time we part, but anything more is Inappropriate. Back to the OP’s subject, I agree with the person who said (too lazy to go back and look it up) that there is a difference between loving your kids to pieces and spoiling them or ignoring obnoxious behavior (there is a clear difference between a parent who’s acting like they don’t know that kid and one who’s making a point of “not providing positive feedback for misbehavior”). People loving their kids to pieces is fine by me so long as the parents remain firmly In Charge; people pampering their kids aren’t doing them any favors. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/54 "2011-12-21T08:12:32Z")
Where the kids opinion in all this? What is it with kids these days. I always got uncomfortable with displays of spontaneous displays of affection and if either parent had ever done it in public, I would have been mortified. My parents showed the loved me by their actions; they lived apart for several years when my father was posted elsehwere so I and my sister could go to the best schools. Thats love. Not a hug followed by “say kiddo, can you cook, cause we is going out partying tonight”. ---
**Author:** ![ProbablyProcrastinating](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/57b2e6/32.png) [@ProbablyProcrastinating](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ProbablyProcrastinating)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/55 "2011-12-21T08:17:34Z")
AK84, that’s interesting because a lot of children who were separated from a parent feel that if only they had had the parent nearer, in spite of the worse quality of life in other aspects, they would have been happier. What you value is not what everyone else values and wants. I used to be freaked out by all the parent-child love then I had kids and I realized… it’s evolutionary biology. I find it freakish if people aren’t all over their kids. Like, what gives? That’s your eternal future right there, your genes 100, 1,000, 10,000 years from now if all goes well. You must love them more than life itself! ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/56 "2011-12-21T08:49:45Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > For kids, life sucks jut as much as it does for adults. And it’s not going to get any better. They’re going to become teenagers and that will suck, and then they’ll go to college and that will suck, and then they’ll get jobs and that will suck, and along the line there will be broken hearts, bad friends, school disappointments, lost games and embarassing moments. Life blows. > > So you know what? I’m going to go home tonight and I’m going to kiss my little girl all over her little cheeks and tell her what a smart and funny and beautiful little girl she is, and tickle her and watch Ren and Stimpy with her and just generally treat her like a princess, because at six years old she really doesn’t need any more shit. She needs some time where someone is unconditionally, purely loving her, a few moments where she knows that to one person in the world she’s the best thing there ever was. The world’s going to kick her in the ass again and again and again for the next eighty or ninety years, so frankly, she could use a little boost from her Daddy now and then. If you can’t get joy from your parents loving you then what the hell can you get joy from? Now that’s awesome! I love it. > [@monstro](#): > > When I call up my mother, there’s no instant recognition of my voice. Sometimes I’ll be talking to her for several minutes before she realizes I’m not my sister. She gets components of our lives mixed up. She buys my sister and I similar–sometimes the exact same thing–for our birthday and/or Christmas. That made me sad. My mom was kind of like that - the brothers got all the attention - but she does have a general idea of who I am and what I do now that I’m an adult. I think it’s cause I gave her bragging rights (kind of like you with your mom) and because she’s not yelling at me to clean my room anymore. I remember the time she got at me a hairdryer for my birthday, the coat in her size and style, and the smelly lavender soap this year even though I’m a Jergen’s girl. Am I that difficult to buy for? But…she’s also the woman who got me my first typewriter, who knows my son loves Mario Bros and got him a spot-on birthday gift, and who put my new tires on her credit card before Colorado’s first big snowfall and I didn’t even ask. I’ve always felt like my mother noticed me but just “wasn’t a fan” and sometimes she buys me things out of guilt/because she had to. The “extra special” loving stuff went towards my brothers, no doubt. Always. But she knows me. Anyway, this thread makes me extra-excited for morning. My son is coming to work with me today (inservice) and I’m making us breakfast. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/57 "2011-12-21T12:04:51Z")
> [@ProbablyProcrastinating](#): > > AK84, that’s interesting because a lot of children who were separated from a parent feel that if only they had had the parent nearer, in spite of the worse quality of life in other aspects, they would have been happier. What you value is not what everyone else values and wants. > > I used to be freaked out by all the parent-child love then I had kids and I realized… it’s evolutionary biology. I find it freakish if people aren’t all over their kids. Like, what gives? That’s your eternal future right there, your genes 100, 1,000, 10,000 years from now if all goes well. You must love them more than life itself! True, I know I did. But, as an adult I can appreciate the effort and I know I turned out better then I might have. ---
**Author:** ![RedBloom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dbc845/32.png) [@RedBloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedBloom)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/58 "2011-12-21T13:39:01Z")
> [@Maiira](#): > > I’m not bothered by lots of affection, but it makes me ache a little if just because my own mom wasn’t terribly affectionate. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great mom, but she just doesn’t have the kind of personality where she’d swoop in and cuddle us if we scraped our knees. She’d help us up, dust us off, clean our wounds and send us on our way, but she wouldn’t go on and on about her “poor little injured baby.” And that’s kind of interesting that I feel that way, because on the rare occasions where she DID show that kind of affection, it was always awkward and weird. > > One thing that gets me about some parents is that they seem to lose their identity completely. I don’t really see this in public, but on the net (though not necessarily on the Dope) I’ll sometimes see folks who introduce themselves as “\_\_\_\_\_\_\_'s mommy.” Or the ONLY thing they’ll talk about is their child. It’s like the parent doesn’t exist anymore, which, quite frankly, scares the crap out of me. I HATE the idea of losing my identity like that, because I’m continuously discovering new things about myself, and I don’t want to lose all of that just because I had a kid. I think it would be doing both me and my kid a great disservice, because then they would never truly get to know me. If you understood how all-consuming kids are, you would understand this phenomenon. Most parents have not lost their identity, but instead have to focus their time and resources on something other than themselves. Which, in my opinion, makes you grow as a human being leaps and bounds beyond simply taking classes or whatever to just “find yourself”. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/59 "2011-12-21T15:59:07Z")
> [@RedBloom](#): > > If you understood how all-consuming kids are, you would understand this phenomenon. Most parents have not lost their identity, but instead have to focus their time and resources on something other than themselves. Which, in my opinion, makes you grow as a human being leaps and bounds beyond simply taking classes or whatever to just “find yourself”. Yeah, but some of them have lost their identity. The same ones who, are threatened by any sign of independence… tell their kids they they are “not allowed” to get jobs, have friends, leave the house, be their own person; then later they “have” to go to college in their town; they “have” to live at home; … the whole package of fostering dependence so that Mommy will never ever ever have to face that she’s just a husk of a person. You know it exists, don’t act like it doesn’t. “Love” (or so they call it) can be used as a weapon as much, if not more so, than neglect. ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810/60 "2011-12-21T18:32:29Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Where the kids opinion in all this? What is it with kids these days. I always got uncomfortable with displays of spontaneous displays of affection and if either parent had ever done it in public, I would have been mortified. My parents showed the loved me by their actions; they lived apart for several years when my father was posted elsehwere so I and my sister could go to the best schools. Thats love. Not a hug followed by “say kiddo, can you cook, cause we is going out partying tonight”. Depends on the age, of course. At least by the teen years, and probably long before in most cases, most children don’t even want to admit that they HAVE parents. Which is all the more reason to cuddle & lovey them when they’re babies & toddlers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-bother-you-when-people-love-their-kids/606810.md?page=4)