# Does it matter if there is a funeral for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 2, 2014, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654 "2014-03-02T03:14:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/41 "2014-03-02T19:24:22Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > Hell, I’d far prefer not! If people want a memorial party, that’s one thing, but a funeral? Pee-you! No sir! I don’t like funerals, and hate the idea that one would be held for me. > > Cremate me with as little ceremony as possible, and toss the ashes somewhere pretty. Divide up my stuff with as little contention as possible. > > Life is for the living. Agreed. Two parties. One a memorial party for the people who liked me, they can wail for ten minutes at the start, but after that, have a good time and know that I’d be glad I’m dead except for the pain it causes them. The other party is for the people who didn’t like me, let them celebrate, but let that be tempered by the knowledge that none of them disliked me as much as I do. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/42 "2014-03-02T19:44:18Z")
Another ‘hell, yes’. Saying goodbye with ceremony to our family and loved ones is what separates us from the invertebrates. Even dogs _- even cats! -_ feel lost if they don’t have the chance to say good-bye. I doubt I will be given a funeral. I strongly suspect one or two people will convince themselves that I wouldn’t have wanted one, or that they will have a memorial service later when everyone can attend, or that live is for the living. > [@buddy431](#): > > I think they’re great. You have an hour of people telling stories about how awesome the dead guy was, and then you get to eat a bunch of great food with people who you don’t really know who they are, but you get to find out that the deceased affected many more people than you thought. He wasn’t just Grandpa to you, he was cousin to some guy who lives in Alaska, and best friends with some Hippy from Colorado, and… > > Funerals are the only time I really see certain members of my extended family, and I suspect that will be true for my relatives when I die. Perfect description of a good family and a good life and a good funeral. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/43 "2014-03-02T20:04:32Z")
I’ll let [Mr. Cross](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwDP872IE5k) answer for me. (Language NSFW.) ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/44 "2014-03-02T20:18:13Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > No funeral. However, I would not be opposed to having a pre-funeral where I was alive and can enjoy it. Maybe I’ll tell everyone its a funeral then pop out of the coffin and thank them for coming Of course you realize that shouting out “Gotcha ya” will be required. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/45 "2014-03-02T20:21:25Z")
It’s up to those left behind. Personally, my own arrangements for body donation preclude a funeral, but if family and friends want to gather and tell a few stories, laugh a little, cry a little, sing a few songs, eat a good meal and pass the bottle, that would be a fitting memorial. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/46 "2014-03-02T20:21:53Z")
I’d be fine with just being cremated and nothing else. I don’t care if there’s a funeral service (as long as it’s completely non-religious in nature) but I’d rather the money that would go for that be spent on more worthwhile things. ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/47 "2014-03-02T20:26:32Z")
I don’t need no stinkin’ funeral. In fact, given any advance notice, Id head out to some mountain or canyon rim with a nice view, sit back and finish out my allotted time. After that, I’m happy to provide a meal to to the buzzards and the bugs. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/48 "2014-03-02T20:29:24Z")
Yes, I want there to be a funeral for me. And while I will of course be dead when it happens, it IS partly for me. I like the idea of being remembered in a certain way, even if I won’t be around for it, and that will give me comfort as I die, if I am aware that death is imminent. Just like I will not be around to know if my ashes actually get scattered along the Highline Trail in Glacier National Park (in between Haystack Butte and the turnoff to the Grinnell Glacier Overlook, thanks; the Firebug will get specific instructions on this when he’s older), but the idea of its being done is something I find gratifying. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/49 "2014-03-02T21:29:24Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > A funeral provides some closure to those left behind. For some people. For me? It does no such thing. ETA: For those who have things about their funerals in their wills, recognize that a will might not be read in time to facilitate/prevent any particular post-death arrangements. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/50 "2014-03-02T21:37:58Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > My family will probably donate my body to charity… So, you’re expecting to be on display at the local Goodwill Store then? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/51 "2014-03-02T21:39:21Z")
I have no intention of attending one (as a guest, that is; if they want my carcass as a prop, or a part of the furniture, there won’t be much I can do about it). I HAVE indicated that I do not want my family to spend any money on the disposal of my earthly remains. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/52 "2014-03-02T21:57:11Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > For some people. For me? It does no such thing. You know, I feel like I should state this even more strongly. I don’t believe in closure. I don’t think closure exists. I don’t think it has ever existed. I don’t think there is any scientific basis for the belief. I think people want it to exist and will tell themselves it does, but I think it’s a made up term that sells funeral services and self-help books. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/53 "2014-03-02T22:21:15Z")
Nope. I hope to be cremated. They can do as they wish with my cremains and party, or not, or memorialize, or not, as they see fit. I’ll be dead ! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![seal\_cleaner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@seal\_cleaner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seal_cleaner)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/54 "2014-03-02T22:26:25Z")
I’m originally from out east, but have lived in the south for 30 years now. Married a farm girl. I used to feel that it was best to just dispose of the remains as efficiently as possible and go about your business, but living down here so long (and marrying into a traditional southern family) has changed my view. My granddaughter, aged 9, has been to probably 4 or 5 funerals for family members. She is developing a more mature understanding of life that I had even when I was twice her age. When an older relative has died down here, you knew them all your life, watched them grow old, maybe helped on their farm when they were too infirm to do it themselves. The people I grew up around (wealthy NJ suburb) moved to St Paul or Chicago or Seattle or Paris…didn’t watch their extended family through the years. Dad is doing OK in Phoenix, Uncle Jay is going downhill in Winter Park, Mom had to go into the full-care unit of the assisted care facility. Then they die, and you probably fly down, hopefully bring the kids. Now, I’m happy my daughter moved to Denver and my son is likely to get transferred God knows where, but I’m glad they were raised in the old rural tradition of maybe helping care for elderly relatives you’ve been around your whole life; and gathering around an open casket to make the situation real. Before my father in law died, he bought my wife and I plots in the cemetery next to the rural church they attended way back in the day. I’ll be honored to be there, and I think my wife wants my casket to be open if I go first. that’s ok with me. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/55 "2014-03-02T22:35:55Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You know, I feel like I should state this even more strongly. > > I don’t believe in closure. I don’t think closure exists. I don’t think it has ever existed. I don’t think there is any scientific basis for the belief. I think people want it to exist and will tell themselves it does, but I think it’s a made up term that sells funeral services and self-help books. And if its your funeral, you don’t need closure. But someone else MIGHT get some closure from it - and would you deny your friends the opportunity to get some - if they can - because you don’t find it there. And if its someone else’s funeral, don’t go if you don’t want to. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/56 "2014-03-02T22:41:46Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > And if its your funeral, you don’t need closure. But someone else MIGHT get some closure from it - and would you deny your friends the opportunity to get some - if they can - because you don’t find it there. And if its someone else’s funeral, don’t go if you don’t want to. If my friends don’t find closure, it’s because there is no such thing as closure. You assert that there is closure and a lack of funerals leads to it. I’ve actually done quite a bit of reading on the subject of grief and bereavement and, well, you’re wrong. Until you can bring in something other than your gut, and I sincerely doubt you can, I will continue to doubt the existence of closure. ETA: You’re actually trying to do a Pascal’s wager of grief, which is pretty goofy. And just like the original, it doesn’t work. Because funerals are neither without cost nor wholly positive. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/57 "2014-03-02T23:36:55Z")
**jsgoddess** , I agree with you even though I, unlike you, haven’t suffered a death of a close loved one before. I can’t imagine a funeral really making that much a difference to my grieving process. In fact, I can see it making it worse since I hate pagentry and ritual even when I’m in a good mood. It would be interesting to hear from people who have grieved for someone without a funeral. The one hitch that I can see is the whole “What will people think?!” thing. I have a feeling if I told my parents about my anti-funeral wish, they would just ignore it. They probably wouldn’t have the guts to stand up to people who ask, “Ya’ll really ain’t gonna give that girl a funeral? Is it because she was a heathen?” My mother has always been the type to worry about appearances. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2014, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/58 "2014-03-02T23:51:02Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > It would be interesting to hear from people who have grieved for someone without a funeral. The one hitch that I can see is the whole “What will people think?!” thing. I have a feeling if I told my parents about my anti-funeral wish, they would just ignore it. They probably wouldn’t have the guts to stand up to people who ask, “Ya’ll really ain’t gonna give that girl a funeral? Is it because she was a heathen?” My mother has always been the type to worry about appearances. I chose not to do anything for my husband’s death, because I didn’t want it and because I knew that he had no desire for it either. It’s what worked for me. Like you, I don’t like ceremonies or pageantry, and I feel no solace in any sort of shared emotional experience. For people like us, funerals are at best a waste of money and time, and at worst something painful and exhausting. I got a tiny amount of pushback at first, but not much. When my father died (this was six years earlier), I know my sister lobbied for no funeral and she got shouted down. I was not much a part of that conversation because I was a bit checked out, emotionally, but now I regret not backing her up. That was a miserable experience. People are ghastly busybodies about other people’s experiences of grief and mourning. They try to shame the grieving into conformance with a lot of cultural norms that often do more harm than good. But some of that is a rant for another day! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2014, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/59 "2014-03-03T00:05:14Z")
I believe in closure. But I don’t think a funeral is necessary. When my boyfriend died, we had a lovely memorial picnic. It was a beautiful day all the way around and I’m happy we had it. And it was potluck (just his immediate family and me providing food) and at a first come first serve picnic shelter at his favorite park so the expense was minimal and the impact it had on all of us was good and lasting. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2014, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/60 "2014-03-03T01:18:51Z")
I suppose that I would rather have a funeral than be some remains in a pile of bear shit out in the middle of nowhere. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654.md?page=4)