# Does it matter if there is a funeral for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 2, 2014, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654 "2014-03-02T03:14:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 4, 2014, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/81 "2014-03-04T23:26:54Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Whatever the people I leave behind need, though I’d like to think they’d limit it fairly strictly to what they actually\* need\*. I very much don’t want them to spend a bunch of time, energy, and money on stuff that isn’t actually going to make any of them feel any better … I agree about the money. Weddings and funerals just make some people go insane. For some people, focusing on the details of a funeral is a welcome distraction; for others, it just the first thing to fight over. Have you considered pre-planning? ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/82 "2014-03-05T15:09:48Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > The need for cognitive closure is not the same thing. That need is tied to how much information you need when attempting to make decisions, or how uncomfortable you are in situations of ambiguity. In point of fact, people with a high need for cognitive closure are the same people who need closure in the case of death. Perhaps we have a different definition of “closure”. If you define closure as the end of pain associated with the death of a close loved one (or any other traumatic event), then I agree that there is no closure for the vast majority of people and a funeral would probably serve to make the situation worse in the short term. I am defining closure as described in this [Psychology Today](http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201104/5-ways-find-closure-the-past)article: > [@](#): > > The ending of a significant piece of one’s life – a relationship, a job, a stage of life, or a way of thinking – may be difficult and even painful for many of us. Something that you once counted on as very important to your life is over and done. > > Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities. Acceptance of a loss or traumatic change is critical. Not accepting the loss/change can well lead to deep psychological issues. Some people need a funeral to help them accept a death. Some don’t. I don’t feel that I need a funeral service to deal with death, but I understand that others do. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/83 "2014-03-05T17:08:56Z")
No. No children or siblings. My mother didn’t even have a funeral for my father when he died, and anyway, she will be 90 this year. I truly don’t care what happens to me after I die. Except I have arranged for friends to take care of or find homes for my animals. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/84 "2014-03-05T17:27:25Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Some people need a funeral to help them accept a death. This is what I object to. When you start throwing “need” into the conversation, there should be something behind that other than opinion. Some cultures don’t even _have_ funerals. Some people want funerals. Some people like funerals. Some people choose funerals. But if you want to assert that some people need funerals, I expect more than Psychology Today. As for closure, it’s often used (much like the five stages of Kubler Ross) to try to browbeat the grieving into conformance with a pop psychology view of bereavement and loss. I’ll end my participation in this thread with two quotes that you (or anyone) can take or leave, from people who specialize in grief and trauma therapy: [ > [@](#): > > The word closure implies that all of the chaotic feelings and frightened memories get placed in a box with a bright color ribbon tied in a bow. This bow somehow prevents the sense of overwhelm from clouding your sense of well being. > > Genuine healing of emotional pain does not take work in this manner. Real healing is not that tidy and straight forward a process. Authentic healing is different for each individual. Different stages of grief and loss may be wonderful guides for some, but there is no real evidence that these stages actually occur in an explicit order or at all. ]([MentalHealth.com: Mental Health Information + Find a Therapist](http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=42856&cn=58)) [ > [@](#): > > Closure is a bad word, overused five or 10 years ago, and people in my world are not using it anymore, because it falsely implies an end to something that doesn’t end. You don’t get closure on trauma, tragedy, the impact of human cruelty, but you do grow, you do get sadder and wiser and you do, more often than not, get the opportunity to help fellow travelers. Closure is a myth, but progress is not. ]([9-11 Anniversary Reactions: An interview with Dr. Frank Ochberg - Gift From With](http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/9-11.html)) ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/85 "2014-03-05T18:06:43Z")
I don’t want a funeral. I think they are a waste of money and put a lot of pressure on people who don’t need it at that time. My father passed away recently, in life he was strongly against funerals. We scheduled a party at a local pub he was a regular at. It was a month and a half after he’d died. It was the type of event he would have enjoyed. Of all his friends and customers no one seemed bothered by the lack of funeral. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/86 "2014-03-05T19:12:40Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Have you considered pre-planning? No, because I don’t know who will be left behind and what they’ll need/want. What I would like done with my carcass is a far, far lower priority to me than what’s going to help my loved ones get through the day. If stuffing me full of chemicals, cramming me into dressy clothes, and putting me on display before having me put into the most impervious grave possible is what whoever’s left behind needs for their own emotional well-being, that’s okay. And I think that’s _exactly_ what most of my older relatives would need. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/87 "2014-03-05T19:27:49Z")
I didn’t have a funeral for my wife when she died. About a month later, I threw a celebration of life party, which I [shared in this thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13880408&postcount=185). I put her ashes in little envelopes printed with “That’s Pam!” in a big bowl. By the end of the night, they were all gone. I have received pictures of friends and family spreading her ashes on beaches all over the world. ---
**Author:** ![Arabella\_Flynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8491ac/32.png) [@Arabella\_Flynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arabella_Flynn)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/88 "2014-03-05T20:43:51Z")
My executrix has instructions to help herself to my stuff, give other friends whatever they like, sell/donate the rest, and use the proceeds to buy booze for the memorial party. She may optionally inform my blood relatives, but it’s not required; they can do whatever they like. I’m much more concerned with my chosen family, and that I have done my best to provide them with decent beer from beyond the grave. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/89 "2014-03-05T21:26:44Z")
Don’t give a flying duck. Funerals are for the living. ETA : I half-heartedly hope some of my leftover bits will help someone somewhere, but considering what I’m doing to my body on a daily basis I haven’t taken the time to formalize things. My relatives know, though. Let \*them \*deal with this shit. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2014, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/90 "2014-03-05T21:38:00Z")
I don’t really care. Just as long as I’m surrounded by the bloody corpses of my enemies. ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/91 "2014-03-06T00:07:45Z")
first choice for disposal of my body is donation to one of the several universities that study decaying bodies in the woods for crime scene data. In other words, leave my body to be eaten by bugs and animals. second choice is donation to a medical school. As for the gathering of people after to mourn me, I don’t want to plan or pay for anything. I prefer that so many people are so moved by my life and death that there is a grassroots memorial service organized which involves much praising of me and my heroism (I assume I died heroically, perhaps while saving the entire planet from a killer asteroid). I would like world leaders to gather. Also a foundation in my name. And a memorial amusement park with free ice cream. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/92 "2014-03-06T01:11:15Z")
I don’t care about anything following my death. I’m an organ donor, and they can grind up everything else and sell it to McDonald’s. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/93 "2014-03-06T01:12:48Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Some cultures don’t even _have_ funerals. How do you define “funeral”? The only way I could interpret the statement is that the people leave the bodies where they drop and go about their daily lives. Even packing up and moving away from the bodies is a kind of funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/94 "2014-03-06T01:35:44Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > No, because I don’t know who will be left behind and what they’ll need/want. What I would like done with my carcass is a far, far lower priority to me than what’s going to help my loved ones get through the day. If stuffing me full of chemicals, cramming me into dressy clothes, and putting me on display before having me put into the most impervious grave possible is what whoever’s left behind needs for their own emotional well-being, that’s okay. And I think that’s _exactly_ what most of my older relatives would need. I figured you would want to be eaten by the cats. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/95 "2014-03-06T02:02:55Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > I figured you would want to be eaten by the cats. Better that than by the bloody corpses of her enemies. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/96 "2014-03-06T03:34:08Z")
For anyone who wishes to donate their body to research, please be sure to arrange this prior to your death. Your loved ones cannot just walk up to a facility carrying your corpse, and say “Here, take this.” As a widow myself, I know too many widows whose husband/partner wanted that, but who failed to make prior arrangements. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/97 "2014-03-06T15:53:15Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > This is what I object to. When you start throwing “need” into the conversation, there should be something behind that other than opinion. Some cultures don’t even _have_ funerals OK, since you brought up Kubler-Ross, here is the first stage of grief according to her book "On Death and Dying: > [@](#): > > 1. Denial and Isolation > The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain. Some people NEED to see the body and/or have a “ceremony” to get past the initial denial phase. You can disbelieve that if you wish, but it is a fact. From the [British Medical Journal](http://www.bmj.com/content/340/bmj.c2032), which I presume to be an acceptable cite: > [@](#): > > Results For those who had the option, decisions about seeing the body varied. Some wanted someone else to identify the body, because they feared how it might look or preferred to remember their relative as they had been in life. Those who had wanted to see the body gave various reasons beyond the need to check identity. Some felt they ought to see the body. Others felt that the body had not lost its social identity, so wanted to make sure the loved one was “being cared for” or to say goodbye. Some people wanted to touch the body, in privacy, but the coroner sometimes allowed this only after the postmortem examination, which made relatives feel that the body had become police property. Seeing the body brought home the reality of death; it could be shocking or distressing, but, in this sample, few who did so said they regretted it. Don’t want to call it closure? Fine, call it “moving past denial” or “a critical stage in grief for some” or “moving toward acceptance” or “Slartibartfast”. True, not all societies have funerals, but all have a death ritual. In no society outside of a Monty Python sketch do people drop dead and no one takes notice. Don’t want to call it a funeral? Fine, call it a “viewing” or a “wake” or a “survivor death ritual”. You may not ‘need’ it and I may not, but to posit that no one does is simply not true. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/98 "2014-03-06T16:04:34Z")
> [@carlotta](#): > > first choice for disposal of my body is donation to one of the several universities that study decaying bodies in the woods for crime scene data. In other words, leave my body to be eaten by bugs and animals. My understanding (per Mary Roach) is you can leave your body to science, but you have no other say. They could use you to study the effects of girders being dropped on people, or for a decaying farm, or for cosmetology students to practice plastic surgery. Maybe leaving it directly to a medical school is different. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/99 "2014-03-06T16:32:31Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > I figured you would want to be eaten by the cats. Nah, those furry little bastards are fat enough already. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654/100 "2014-03-06T22:45:00Z")
> [@bup](#): > > My understanding (per Mary Roach) is you can leave your body to science, but you have no other say. They could use you to study the effects of girders being dropped on people, or for a decaying farm, or for cosmetology students to practice plastic surgery. > > Maybe leaving it directly to a medical school is different. It’s a great idea regardless. I’d do it if I weren’t so darned fat - they only take BMIs under a certain level. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-it-matter-if-there-is-a-funeral-for-you/682654.md?page=6)