# Does lembas taste like crap to the elves? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 9, 2005, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209 "2005-02-09T15:59:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/21 "2005-02-10T01:20:15Z")
Also, who says Catholics don’t hump like bunnies on Spanish Fly, anyway? Remember the “Every Sperm is Sacred” skit, anyone? Anyway, my maternal grandfather, youngest of twelve siblings, could tell you Catholic and abstinent are need hardly be synonyms. No, Elves begat when they felt like it. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/22 "2005-02-10T01:22:08Z")
> [@tpayne](#): > > Nah… if their sex was that great, you’d think Elrond could have fathered children a little more often than once every 5000 years or so… As others have said, having children is not an integral part of sex and to have consequence-free sex, all the time without worry, would only add to the pleasure. ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/23 "2005-02-10T02:04:04Z")
> [@tpayne](#): > > Nah… if their sex was that great, you’d think Elrond could have fathered children a little more often than once every 5000 years or so… Well, considering that the foreplay lasts about 500 years… So what do the orc farts smell like? ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/24 "2005-02-10T02:10:35Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > Thanks, **Qadgop**! Glad to see I’ve not lost my mind completely…from your cite: > > I favor the former hypothesis. Elves were gorgeous and generally perfect in almost every way. How could any self-respecting Elf man resist all that fine Elfin nooky? You figure during their courtship Galadriel and Celeborn stopped an heavy petting? I think **not**. But maybe they became tired of all that beauty and perfection since it was commonplace to them. Hmm. Did any elf guys ever hook up with human girls? Or was it only done the other way around? Elf girls, human guys? What does that say about them, other than the fact that that’s what Tolkien wrote? ---
**Author:** ![Loopydude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e56c9b/32.png) [@Loopydude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopydude)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/25 "2005-02-10T02:27:02Z")
I know some Elf men had feelings for mortal women, but in the case of Aegnor, at least, they go off to battle and get killed just to avoid the pain of the inevitable Bad Things that befall all Elven-Mortal couplings. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/26 "2005-02-10T02:50:07Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Lembas is not an accustomed food to most elves. The recipe is a tightly-controlled secret, probably known only to Galadriel in the Third Age. She, in turn, would have learned the recipe from Melian the Maia, and Melian wouldn’t have learned it from anyone. No, I think if any elf is to have sole knowledge of how to bake lembas, it is more likely Ernie Keebler than Galadriel. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/27 "2005-02-10T03:09:06Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > I know some Elf men had feelings for mortal women, but in the case of Aegnor, at least, they go off to battle and get killed just to avoid the pain of the inevitable Bad Things that befall all Elven-Mortal couplings. Just after I posted, I clicked the link. Oh, well, still got my question answered, either way. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/28 "2005-02-10T03:13:02Z")
Oh please, Elves do not fart … They launch fragrances. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/29 "2005-02-10T03:22:24Z")
> [@Monstre](#): > > So what do the orc farts smell like? I’m thinking something like my six-month old’s diapers left in a hummingbird feeder in the sun in New Orleans. Stand back, this thing is loaded! As for the elves, lembas and all… Remember how old these people are. Whatever the question is they’ve long ago arrived at not only AN answer but the PERFECT answer. The exist always in that sublime state of perfect taste and satisfaction. They never feel numb…except that when they do they head into the west. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/30 "2005-02-10T03:23:31Z")
I always thought lembas must taste like really good shortbread, but a little less rich. ---
**Author:** ![HMS\_Irruncible](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hms_irruncible/32/7394_2.png) [@HMS\_Irruncible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HMS_Irruncible)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/31 "2005-02-10T03:28:27Z")
> [@Loopydude](#): > > Of interest to all pervy Elf fanciers, is Elf sex as messy as human sex? I bet Elf spooge tastes like ice cream, meaning Elf husbands get blowjobs whenever they want. And often when they \*don’t \* want, I’d bet. Reminds me of a joke… ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/32 "2005-02-10T04:00:48Z")
> [@NattoGuy](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Of interest to all pervy Elf fanciers, is Elf sex as messy as human sex? I bet Elf spooge tastes like ice cream, meaning Elf husbands get blowjobs whenever they want > > And often when they \*don’t \* want, I’d bet. > > Reminds me of a joke… Uh … Elf husbands are male, right? Is it possible that there would be any time when a male would not want a blowjob? ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 10:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/33 "2005-02-10T10:53:16Z")
> [@Trunk](#): > > Also, do elf farts stink to the lesser races or do they smell like flowers? I bet flowers. Elves do not fart. That’s why they are light enough to walk on top of newly fallen snow without sinking – the gas gives them buoyancy. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/34 "2005-02-10T13:50:16Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Not even a glance at **CandidGamera** ’s beautiful post? Am I the only one without an ignore list? Apparently! **Guin** even re-treaded my joke. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/35 "2005-02-10T14:01:50Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > Apparently! **Guin** even re-treaded my joke. 😉 Aww, we’re not ignoring you Turtle-man. We are just silently in awe. I actually find it more amusing that someone named **Malodorous** posted here. ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/36 "2005-02-10T15:06:42Z")
Aside from all of the awful jokes, Elves don’t have sex or children that often because they don’t need to. They have no biological drive to have children as humans do; they don’t actually _need_ to reproduce. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/37 "2005-02-10T16:07:50Z")
> [@NattoGuy](#): > > Reminds me of a joke… Hell, woman! A hobbit couldn’t eat THAT much ice cream! ---
**Author:** ![Lissla\_Lissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lissla\_Lissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissla_Lissar)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/38 "2005-02-10T18:06:40Z")
_I’m_ silently in awe. ‘Southron Beach Diet’! _snerk_ ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2005, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/39 "2005-02-10T23:33:44Z")
The bit about Elves greatly enjoying the act of procreation, but thereafter being willing just to remember it, is reminiscent of the Martians’ sex lives in _Out Of The Silent Planet_, in which Ransom has a good deal of difficulty explaining to his native guide why it is that humans, having enjoyed it the first time, might actually want to get it on again. What do Orc farts smell like? On average, slightly better than the orc, I would guess. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2005, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209/40 "2005-02-11T00:06:05Z")
Let’s just put it this way. I would shag an elf almost anytime. I’m not attracted to females and I’d shag a female elf anytime. Unless they were old and decrepit it’s never something I would turn down. > [@Wile E](#): > > Turtle-man. I \*like \* this. I’m calling him Turtle-Man from now on. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-lembas-taste-like-crap-to-the-elves/289209.md?page=3)