Couples counselling is like counselling in general - some models been shown to be effective in research outcomes, but unfortunately a large majority of counsellors do not use research evidence based methods of practice.
There are some types of couples counselling that appear to be more effective than others. Integrative behavioural couples theory is one of the ones that seems to have better research support, which works on the bizarre notion that its more about what you do as homework to break bad habits, than about what you say in an hour thats going to really fix things.
The problem will be finding someone who is using current evidence based methods of practise rather than using models with less or no empirical support. The main thing to watch out for is models that claim effectiveness based on client satisfaction, rather than more objective measures. It is unfortunately quite possible to be well liked as a counsellor while doing a terrible job at the same time.
In my experience counseling is not all that useful if a divorce is already proceeding. If started early it might lead to some positive outcomes but most of the time it’s not all that effective.
I believe counseling worked because we wanted to fix whatever was wrong and because we tackled the situation early on. If we had waited too long or if one of us had already mentally left the marriage, nothing would have helped.
Also, it was not traditional marriage counseling. We saw the counselor on staff at my law school. She of course had plenty of experience working with couples in much the same situation, but she was not a full-time marriage counselor. There was nothing special to the sessions either. It was just an hour out of our week that we talked about our relationship. It took us about a year of that before we were doing that on our own without the need for a formal session with the counselor.
I suspect that you don’t hear about successful counseling very much is much the same reason why nobody in our family knows about it. Counseling is usually kept private, and if it works there is no need to tell anybody. If counseling fails, then it is talked about to show that everything was tried.
This is spot-on. My experience (through others) is that, if one partner isn’t really interested in making things better and just wants things to go back to the sucky status quo where the other is miserable but they’re content, attending counseling is a way to say “Hey, I’m doing something” without actually making any changes.
Just showing up doesn’t mean that the person is actively participating in the process of improving the marriage. That’s why you see a lot of failures; the person just wants ‘credit’ for attendance but doesn’t actually want to work on the relationship.
Yes it works. Kind of. Sometimes the shit just piles up so high you need an independent party to help you sort it out. It helps if that person is someone who can clearly project a non-biased attitude and who is skilled in maneuvering around the verbal minefield that a couple can create when they are not getting along.
Neither my wife nor I is a great communicator so it’s easy, especially in times of stress, for us to mis-communicate and misunderstand. I think of a marriage counselor as an independent mediator. Some people like to discuss their issues with friends (biased) or their families (very biased), some have priests or some such to talk too (maybe biased). I say, if you want a job done right, you hire a professional. That said, they ain’t cheap, they aren’t always good at their jobs and it is just more stress added to the problem if you have to make tough decisions about your counselor. A lot cheaper than a divorce though.
For me, it wasn’t a question of cost or whether it would work to save my marriage. I wanted to talk to my wife to find out what was going on and why, I wanted answers. Turns out she wanted the same thing and the counselor helped us get along long enough to get there.
It seems to depend on variables: at what point counseling is sought, the type of counseling, the style of the counselor (some of them have their own issues!), the willingness of the parties involved (i.e if one has had to be nagged or dragged), whether they’re both after the same outcome, and how much they are both prepared to work at changing what’s not working.
It depends on how honest the partners can be, whether they can cope with feeling completely vulnerable, and whether they perceive what their other half is saying as criticism, or useful feedback. Sometimes it seems that seeing a counselor is purely an exercise in finding someone who completely agrees with their side of the story. Sometimes what’s revealed in a session gives reason for ongoing anger and resentment. Marriage counseling seems to be like a box of chocolates - you never know why the bastard didn’t buy you a vibrator instead. hansel’s stats are very interesting!
Sometimes counseling gives the parties (expensive and time consuming!) confirmation that it ain’t gonna work, and it can help with how to separate.
Certainly, it will have proven to work for some and not others. Maybe it all comes down to the intention, the severity and longevity of the issues, and whether or not you’re just dragging a dead horse into a nice comfy chair.
I think it works if both people are committed to the relationship and are willing to do a little work to get it back on track. There’s the rub!
I’ve been married for forty-three years next week and about every ten years we go in for a tune-up. People change and what works in one phase of your life needs a new approach in another. Marriage is just like, um. life. Just when you’ve got all the problems tied up in neat little packages something new happens and you’ve either got new ones or the old ones come unwrapped again.
Some people have more conflict in their marriages, some less. The bottom line is if you both care to continue.
Sometimes people have asked, “Why do you want a marriage that you have to go to therapy for?” We still love each other. That dratted word. If you’ve paid for a good automobile why would you keep taking it to the mechanic? I dunno - cuz you like that car and want it to work at its best?
You can’t go to therapy hoping to change any other person. You go to find the changes you are able to make for yourself so that you fit comfortably into the life you’ve chosen for yourself.
When you are in that non-defensive spot, genuinely wanting assistance and willing to try new ideas, a therapist can be of assistance.
As with most things, there are very few absolutes. Marriage counseling works with some people and not with others. In my own personal case…not so much.
It’s working so far for me and my wife, but we are both committed to it. Neither one of us is going against our will to placate the other, which is what I think happens a lot of the time. However, I must say we went to three counselors before we found one we liked. So in my miind it takes the right situation and the right people, then it can work. but it is certainly no panacea.
What I’m seeing an absence of is people saying it made things worse. And a few people saying it worked for them. Even it’s ineffectual on most people, that means it has a net positive outcome.
How much does marriage counseling typically cost? When I was a child I saw a psychiatrist. I recall it being really fucking expensive. To me, anyway. Keep in mind that I’m poor.
The first time my ex and I went to marriage counseling, it was helpful. Of course, at the time, we weren’t in a doom-and-gloom situation yet. We were just unhappy about how we were communicating, and I wanted a third-party perspective to help us out. She wasn’t thrilled about going (OK – she fought it tooth-and-nail at first), but she did go, and even though we both disliked the counselor, it did help us communicate a little better.
The second time we went to counseling, however (about three years later), our marriage was already over (although we didn’t quite know it at the time). I learned later that my ex went to the counselor more because she wanted me to have therapy to deal with the shock of her…shall we say…indiscretions. She didn’t look at it as marriage counseling for both of us. :rolleyes:
Despite that, though, I will say that we had no contempt for one another at the time. There was a legitimate thought that we could work through our issues, and we thought that we (or in her case, that I) needed guidance in it. I tried; she kinda tried. It just wasn’t meant to be.
If I end up married again, however, I won’t have any qualms about seeking out counseling if we hit a major stumbling block. And I’m not opposed to pre-marital counseling, either.
Hold onto your hat … We paid $150 an hour, although insurance picked up about 40% of that for a while. Worth every penny. That said, I think that was rather high end counseling and there are tons of other options, maybe through work or school, depending upon your situation.
On the other hand, I’ve had a couple of occasions to pay psychiatrists that kind of money. Next time I’ll just throw it down the toilet and save some trouble.
For my (now ex-) wife, it was her idea, person chosen by her, and she refused to go once we were actually married and she was free to release all the pent up crazy. In hindsight, she was only going because she expected that he would side with her against me, and when he didn’t do that, she was no longer interested. Telling that she refused any other joint counseling after that for fear of the same thing - and clearly stated as much several times.
Yeah, that whole truth and sanity thing. How dare people side with that shit over irrational beliefs and imaginary claims!
So then too, the rationale for such a thing can weigh heavily on the impact. As others (and myself) have said, you need to go in committed to working on YOU, not the other person.
It’s very easy to be dismissive of advice from someone you don’t like or don’t trust. Even if the advice is good, your perception of the person giving it is tainted. That is not a recipe for productive therapy.
I see the truth in that. Yet I’m thinking that a rational person could set their feelings aside to use what may be the most sensible advice. Would you sabotage a doctor’s advice for your health because you didn’t like the doctor?
Is advice what a person wants when he is seeking therapy? Probably so. I think, though, that a good therapist rarely goes there.
Rarely do we take direction from others about our personal lives for long unless we are very insecure and dependent. Then resentment, blame or (yikes!) lawsuits set in.
I’m thinking a good therapist will assist a couple in pinpointing their problems and devising methods to overcome or cope with them. Like an interpretor, clarifier, guide. It’s not about him; it’s about them.
It’s nearly a guarentee that a person will leave some therapy sessions feeling irritated by what a therapist has said. You can’t muddle in the muck without getting some of it on you. And you know what they say about the message bearer.
For those reasons I wouldn’t judge how much you like the therapist as the main reason for whom you chose. It isn’t a necessity. If you do, what a bonus that is!
“Yet I’m thinking that a rational person could set their feelings aside to use what may be the most sensible advice.”
In theory maybe, but as said by definition its a stressful time if divorce is on the cards. A term sometimes used in these situations is ‘shit coloured glasses’ as far as how each party can be viewing each other at that time, which generally isnt an entirely rational state to be in.
I would say that often ‘likeability’ seems to usually be less important than being seen to be impartial and that they’re working for the good of both parties involved, ie ‘not taking sides’. Ie as long as active dislike is not involved, people can often work with the person in question.
Perfect? Unless you’re talking about active psychotic ideation most people have the ability to realize that theapy doesn’t have to be and probably isn’t a totally pleasant experience.
People who seek out therapy aren’t necessarily broken or defective humans. Many good therapists seek out their own therapist so that they stay level-headed.
You know, come to think about it, part of the problem in people seeking out therapy is the inability to tolerate things about other people. I’m thinking of a teacher I absolutely detested and in retrospect realized I probably learned more from her than any other grade school teacher I had. Strange but true.
I’m not advocating masochism here. Just saying you don’t need to like someone for them to help you. It’s a good thing to know as it frees you up for more options.
