# Does marriage counseling work? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 19, 2015, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646 "2015-07-19T22:09:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/1 "2015-07-19T22:09:20Z")
What do you all think? Have you seen a marriage that was one step away from divorce saved by counseling? Frankly I havent. The only times I’ve seen successful counseling was when a marriage only needed some tweeks (like working out a shared job schedule or help on communication). My experience is that by the time the couple goes for counseling, its already to late or only one person really takes it seriously. But my expereince is limited. What do you all thnk? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/2 "2015-07-19T22:16:05Z")
My marriage was beyond help by the time we got to counseling which I suspect is often the case. If you get in early enough and both parties are motivated, it probably works pretty well. Both parties actually having the motivation is probably pretty rare. ---
**Author:** ![rsat3acr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a3d4f5/32.png) [@rsat3acr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rsat3acr)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/3 "2015-07-19T22:34:16Z")
Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Silvorange](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Silvorange](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silvorange)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/4 "2015-07-19T22:39:58Z")
My husband and I went to a marriage counselor once. By the end, we were united in our feeling of “she doesn’t get us,” so we were an “us” again. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/5 "2015-07-19T22:46:35Z")
I’m sure I do know of such couples, but they haven’t told me about it. I have some friends who did it, and that’s when and how they realized their marriage could not be salvaged. Since I was not a fly on the wall of that room, nor was I married to either of them, I don’t know what happened, but I do know that looking back, they were not as well-matched as most people thought they were. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/6 "2015-07-19T22:49:52Z")
I’m speaking from bias here but FUCK NO! It doesn’t work. My ex had some insane insecurity issues. I hated going public places with her because she would constantly be accusing me of ogling women. It was so bad, that she even gave me shit one day because she said she didn’t know what I was “up to” while I was at work. Forget the fact that I came straight home every day. I was young and stupid. She had ten years on me. So at first, I tried to reassure her that she was the one for me and I have no interest in any others. Of course, that never worked, and her insecurities only got worse as time progressed. Seriously, she gave me shit for watching a PG-13 movie (Charlies Angel’s) WITH HER KIDS while she was at work. It was fine if her 6,13, and 16yo kids watched, but no, not me, because, ya’ know, I’m just a perv or something. So we went to counseling. I was under no delusion, I knew I wasn’t the perfect husband. I was ready for criticism on my part, and ready and willing to work on my faults. But I was also fully expecting the councilor to point out her insecurities and how they are NOT healthy, and her expectations of me were unreasonable. But no, she didn’t do any of that, basically all she did was say: “So, how does that make you feel?” and then on occasion give some of her own personal anecdotes of her and her husband. Which did nothing. So yeah, big waste of time and money. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2015, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/7 "2015-07-19T22:55:09Z")
It is very effective in transferring cash assets from your bank account to the bank account of some usually unqualified person who sits a horribly decorated room and doodles in a notebook while you and your spouse avoid eye contact. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/8 "2015-07-20T00:17:51Z")
I’ve done counseling a little through church and have seen/been aware of it tons more. If you go into it neutral or hopeful it _can_ have some benefits. If you go into it against the idea or having already basically given up, save the time and effort and just stay home. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/9 "2015-07-20T00:33:58Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I’m speaking from bias here but FUCK NO! It doesn’t work. > > My ex had some insane insecurity issues. I hated going public places with her because she would constantly be accusing me of ogling women. It was so bad, that she even gave me shit one day because she said she didn’t know what I was “up to” while I was at work. Forget the fact that I came straight home every day. > > I was young and stupid. She had ten years on me. Wait, you married her too? ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/10 "2015-07-20T00:45:42Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > It is very effective in transferring cash assets from your bank account to the bank account of some usually unqualified person who sits a horribly decorated room and doodles in a notebook while you and your spouse avoid eye contact. Were you and I seeing the same shrink? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/11 "2015-07-20T00:48:04Z")
It didn’t work for me. We had a female counselor and I felt like I was outnumbered. Everything was my fault and my side of the story was never really presented. I’ve seen a counselor one-on-one for some of the stress issues I’ve been having after separation. I think having a beer with my buddy and shooting the shit is way more effective. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/12 "2015-07-20T00:53:13Z")
Oddly there is not much hard data I can get googling “marriage counseling success rates” you’d think it there would be tons of studies and hard data. This is the most relevant link I can find and success over the long run is apparently not that great. [http://www.marriageguardian.com/marriage-counseling-statistics.html](http://www.marriageguardian.com/marriage-counseling-statistics.html) > [@](#): > > Marriage counseling statistics from other studies are similar to the three mentioned above. Some have better results, some worse. Most report immediate gains only, and say that couples are better off at conclusion of treatment than 70-80% of those who do not get counseling.[8] John Gottman says that just 35% of couples in marital therapy get clinically significant immediate improvements. (Note the difference in what is being reported – comparison to a control group vs. actual improvement.) In the best university studies that maintained close supervision of participating therapists, he says that between 11% and 18% of couples made meaningful gains that lasted more than a year. Out in the “real” world, more than 43% of couples seeking marital therapy are separated or divorced after 5 years.[9] > > One other interesting note about marital therapies: they perform as well as or slightly better than alternative treatments. But follow-up tests show that over time the differences diminish and become insignificant. The alternative treatments include self-help books and programs.[ ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/13 "2015-07-20T02:13:52Z")
Having been through it with two wives, I think it’s like any other counseling. If you go into willing to look at yourself and work to improve, then yes, it will help. Unlike other types of counseling, however, it requires two people to do the work. It’s really easy to start thinking you’re the one who has to do all the work, and your spouse is just coasting along. Or, you can be like my first wife, for whom “make a show of going to a marriage counselor” was on some grand list of divorce preparations between “start putting money into a separate bank account” and “find another place to live.” ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/14 "2015-07-20T02:37:16Z")
I know a couple where the wife is “not all there” and she upped and threw her husband out for seemingly no reason. Or for a dumb reason (he’d made a mistake with one of their bank accounts, nothing malicious). They’ve got two kids and she’s not equipped to be a single mother. She can barely function as a mother with a partner. Anyway, counseling has been helpful to them in a sense of having a third party there to tell her “wait, stop and think before you do something you don’t mean to do.” ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/15 "2015-07-20T03:01:32Z")
I think oftentimes marriage counseling is used as a way of enlisting the counselor, by one spouse, as an ally against the other spouse. ---
**Author:** ![Reads\_a\_Lot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a9a28c/32.png) [@Reads\_a\_Lot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reads_a_Lot)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/16 "2015-07-20T03:29:33Z")
We’ve done sessions with two different counselors. The first, a woman, was really bad and nothing changed. The second time, the guy was pretty good, and we were able to resolve some issues. We were no where near divorce though. I suspect that many couples wait too long and that many couples never should have gotten married in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/17 "2015-07-20T03:59:44Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > It didn’t work for me. We had a female counselor and I felt like I was outnumbered. Everything was my fault and my side of the story was never really presented. I’ve seen a counselor one-on-one for some of the stress issues I’ve been having after separation. I think having a beer with my buddy and shooting the shit is way more effective. I’ve heard a lot of the reverse from women too. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/18 "2015-07-20T04:03:14Z")
> [@Reads\_a\_Lot](#): > > many couples never should have gotten married in the first place. I have read, and been told by people who worked in law or family counseling, that about half of the couples who get divorced are simply so mismatched, they could never have had any kind of successful, healthy relationship. Right now, there’s a lot of controversy about clergy refusing to marry gay couples. Honestly, a clergyperson can refuse to marry any couple for any reason, and sometimes do if they know, whether through premarital counseling or simply knowing the couple, that they are massively incompatible, getting married for the wrong reasons, the relationship is abusive, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/19 "2015-07-20T04:09:35Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I’ve heard a lot of the reverse from women too. :dubious: No doubt. No need to be snarky with me for relaying my own personal experience though. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2015, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646/20 "2015-07-20T04:19:08Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I think oftentimes marriage counseling is used as a way of enlisting the counselor, by one spouse, as an ally against the other spouse. That is what it felt like for me with my wife. I knew she was seeing a counselor but when I went in I figured out pretty fast all she had been doing was complaining about me. AND I figured out before I married her, she complained about her mother. Yeah, so easy to blame all your problems on someone else. Then finally she saw one person who had real credentials and this woman put her foot down, listened to my side also, and really nailed my wife for her own issues and to quit blaming others. She really saved our marriage. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-marriage-counseling-work/725646.md?page=2)