# Does masterbation cause blindness?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [August 16, 2009, 9:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610 "2009-08-16T09:03:10Z")
**Posts on this page:** 17
**Page:** 4
### Author:  [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2009, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/61 "2009-08-17T14:05:11Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#):
>
> How do you know for sure–you said yourself you can’t see all that well. I bet there are fine hairs sprouting on your palms right NOW! 😛
You bet they are!
It kinda like shaving, once you start you gotta keep doing it because it grows back thicker, and you have to shave even more and its gets thicker still. A positive (yet negative) feedback loop.
Once you start the rosey palm and her five sister’s routine, you have the same problem. Them hairs start growing, but a good rubing takes them off. It also stimulates more of them to grow and grow thicker.
Contrary to popular belief, the frequency of this activity increases through a mans lifetime. He can’t let his palms get hairy lest the other guys see it (even though they do it too). If the wymen folk see it, the guy will never get another date.
It slowly gets worse and worse. Thats why retirement was invented. Its why old men are hairier. Some geezer from Nantucket is why men now have all that ear hair. Towards the end it becomes a nearly full time activity to keep the hair from taking over. Thats why old men usually end up living by themselves out in the boonies. Its not old age that kills em. Its a heart attack, exhaustion, or starvation. Once it a great while some guy lives long enough that he must do it full time just to keep the hair at bay. At that point, the only thing left to do is increase the intensity. Well, friction causes heat. These rare cases are well know in the inner circles of knowledge as the real cause of spontaneous human combustion.
Sometimes a guy will just totally give up. The hair takes over. These rare cases are thought to explain Bigfoot sightings.
And folks often wonder why humans even have hair, particularly down there. All that hair is basically an STD. It started only in the palms and us horny cursed primates just spread it around.
If whales or dolphins ever evolve hands, they will get hairy too. Its a known scientific fact. Think about it. Every living thing with a hand is hairy. Now you know why. And the critters that don’t have hands yet are hairy? Well ,their ancestors got buggered by our horny and hairy ancestors.
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### Author:  [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2009, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/62 "2009-08-17T14:12:12Z")
Alls I know is my contact lens prescription is -5.
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### Author:  [@cromulent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cromulent)
#### Post date: [August 17, 2009, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/63 "2009-08-17T23:08:25Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#):
>
> Alls I know is my contact lens prescription is -5.
You dirty girl, you.
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### Author:  [@chique](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chique)
#### Post date: [August 21, 2009, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/64 "2009-08-21T06:48:04Z")
> [@jjimm](#):
>
> :. :: .: .
I love you. 😃
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### Author:  [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)
#### Post date: [August 21, 2009, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/65 "2009-08-21T13:27:46Z")
> [@Argent\_Towers](#):
>
> Interesting fact: masterbation was outlawed by William the Silent in 1580. He decreed that “whosoever masterbates shall have his right hand burned off with a red-hot iron; his flesh should be torn from his bones with pincers in six different places; he should be quartered and disemboweled alive; his heart should be torn from his bosom and flung in his face, and finally, his head should be taken off.”
>
> Masturbation was tolerated and even encouraged, but the Dutch Calvinist interpretation of Leviticus viewed masterbation as being a mortal sin (as well as an affront to civil law.)
>
> This view prevailed all the way into the early days of the United States under Dutch occupation, particularly in the territories of what is now New York, under the “patroon” system of land ownership. It’s even said the death of Kilaen van Renselaar - which led to the Anti-Rent War of 1839 - was caused by masterbation.
:: admiringly :: And to think you typed all that with only your left hand!!
p.s. Since when do police sirens glare?
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### Author:  [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)
#### Post date: [August 21, 2009, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/66 "2009-08-21T14:40:55Z")
“Let me come. I can see perfectly.”
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### Author:  [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)
#### Post date: [August 21, 2009, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/67 "2009-08-21T15:23:11Z")
OK – someone has to say it – remember children, its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
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### Author:  [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2009, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/68 "2009-08-23T07:23:29Z")
> [@isthatdoodoo](#):
>
> I’ve been told this my entire life and while drunk i may have done it. It’s been 2 days and iv’e been living in constant fear. I have not drove or left the house alone. How many times until you are blind and how long until you are blind?
My Text-to-Speech software must be acting up again, because this question makes no damn sense.
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### Author:  [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2009, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/69 "2009-08-23T09:43:58Z")
> [@Mighty\_Girl](#):
>
> My Text-to-Speech software must be acting up again, because this question makes no damn sense.
Masturbation clearly causes dain bramage as well. Makes you rite no good no more.
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### Author:  [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2009, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/70 "2009-08-23T19:34:06Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#):
>
> Wait a minute…Ghosts jack…er, masterbait?
Where do you think all that ectoplasm comes from? 🙂
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### Author:  [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2009, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/71 "2009-08-23T19:36:57Z")
> [@Jragon](#):
>
> You know, now that you mention it, it all makes sense. What? No! I meant Spider-man. Spider bite my arse, the movie clearly showed he could crawl up walls due to several microscopic hairs growing on his hands. The Spider bite just hurt, poor kid was just lonely and kept watching MJ next door and, well, you can figure out the rest.
He had to explain that white sticky stuff on his palms somehow!
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### Author:  [@wierdaaron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wierdaaron)
#### Post date: [August 23, 2009, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/72 "2009-08-23T20:01:06Z")
Blindness or not, it can be a pretty useful weight loss technique.
Don’t believe me? Weigh yourself, perform above-mentioned exercise, and then weigh yourself again. You’ll have lost at least 0.11 ounces.
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### Author:  [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2009, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/73 "2009-08-24T06:17:55Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#):
>
> How do you know for sure–you said yourself you can’t see all that well. I bet there are fine hairs sprouting on your palms right NOW! 😛
There’s nothing wrong with my sense of touch, and I don’t see or feel and hairs on my palms. I’m covered in hair all over my body except for my palms, soles and “bald spot” on the top back of my head.
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### Author:  [@Jelymag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jelymag)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/74 "2009-08-24T15:26:02Z")
> [@wierdaaron](#):
>
> Blindness or not, it can be a pretty useful weight loss technique.
>
> Don’t believe me? Weigh yourself, perform above-mentioned exercise, and then weigh yourself again. You’ll have lost at least 0.11 ounces.
Wow…so if you could manage 160 times a week, you’ll have lost a pound…?
yikes.
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### Author:  [@Silophant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silophant)
#### Post date: [August 24, 2009, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/75 "2009-08-24T23:23:38Z")
That’s not even once an hour. No problemo.
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### Author:  [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)
#### Post date: [August 25, 2009, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/76 "2009-08-25T00:29:33Z")
My optician asked me to stop masturbating. I told him surely it’s an old wives tale about wanking making you go blind. He explained that it doesn’t make you blind - but it’s upsetting everyone else in the waiting room. :eek:
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### Author:  [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)
#### Post date: [August 25, 2009, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-masterbation-cause-blindness/506610/77 "2009-08-25T02:56:38Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#):
>
> but it’s upsetting everyone else in the waiting room. :eek:
I award two points to Bam Boo Gut, for Best Post in the thread.
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