Good point; may be the most important point. I never want to be in a situation where I’d have to stay in a situation solely for financial reasons. I am capable of taking care of myself and wouldn’t want it to be any other way.
You might have been kidding yourself, yes. And you might really have meant that you wanted to someone who made a certain amount of money. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but please don’t project your wants onto the people who actually say what they mean and mean what they say.
Education and income are two separate things - it is possible to value one, the other, or both.
It’s the living within your means part that is important to me. Fine - splurge on racing bikes or jewelry or whatever you are into if the budget allows. But don’t come home with a new toy everyday if you aren’t also able to save some dough, too.
I don’t get the my money - your money thing. I can’t imagine where this wouldn’t lead to resentment eventually. My take is that relationships are for sharing and partnership. I assume that we are both playing on the same team - not free agents.
I hear and used to agree with what you’re saying. I absolutely could not work the hours and travel I do if my wife was not a SAHM. On the other hand, my wife used to work in the finance industry and likely she’s going to make more profit this year than I do if the current Chinese bull market continues (as is likely through the olympics). Also my wife takes care of things like our property investments, and we wouldn’t have made a very substantial amount in the Shanghai property market if she didn’t go out and find the deals we’ve invested in. That and she tutors our first grader several hours a day, and is very involved in getting our youngest twin the help she needs.
For us, my wife in opportunity cost terms saves us far more than what salary she could get. And if you calculate the investments she’s managing that I simply don’t have time for (and frankly may be able to handle in this market), she’s bringing in real money that’s far greater than the salary she could command. And allows me to put in the hours I need to put in as a slave to a MNC.
The purpose is to limit the resentment and it can work well. Marriages are partnerships more than anything. Just as you shouldn’t give a business partner complate access to everything in that type of partnership, it isn’t wise in marriage as well. One reason is that absolutley no one can assume that their marriage will last forever. No one can control everything. Individuals need their own credit, retirement accounts, and savings.
The concept is more clear if you think about 2nd and 3rd marriages rather than just a brand-new first marriage. In that case, each spouse is likely to have kids, property, investments, and possibly obligations like alimony to pay. It can’t all be “our” money because each spouse is likely to have personal and legal obligations that have nothing to do with the other spouse. Then, there is the matter of making sure the kids are taken care of in a way that the biological parent sees fit. It is stupid to open up all obigations, debts, and assets up to a new person every time you get married.
Many couple pool finances because they believe that is what they are supposed to do. There are other models that can be customized based on the situation and even over time that minimize one of the most volatile subjects in marriage.
My husband would dig ditches if he needed to in order to support his family. He’d work three jobs before he’d ask for money from a relative or apply for government assistance.
I find his work ethic far more attractive than how much he brings in.
I care more about ambition and shared interests in a mate, but I would never put myself in a position where I am supporting my mate financially without him putting forth an effort to contribute something to the household income. Right now we’ve got a setup where we both contribute to household expenses, but since I’m going to be making significantly less money as a graduate student, we’re not splitting things 50/50, as it’d completely deplete whatever earnings I’d make. With me, it’s a matter of a person being able to stimulate me intellectually and to balance my personality with his rather than how much money he makes or how educated he is. We’re on similar educational footing at the moment, but I’ll have an advanced degree beyond his after a couple of years, a better salary than my current one, full time job, and a bit of debt; he’s not interested in going beyond what he’s got education-wise, and it doesn’t make him any less smart than me. My goals just happen to be further down the educational hoop-jumping road than his, and we’ve worked out a sort of balance.
I couldn’t deal with having an SO who was a SAHM/SAHD, if only for the fact that it would be completely unfulfilling for me to pursue that type of life for myself and would see my partner as being unsatisfactorily occupied if they were not doing anything outside of the home. (Even volunteering a couple of times per week would be more productive than just staying at home. I just can’t justify one having 8 hours worth of stuff to do every day once the kids are in school.) It’s an independent streak in me that I cannot shake; me not being dependent on others is just as important to me as making sure that no adult is so fully dependent upon my earnings for their livelihood that they cannot get by should something disastrous happen. It’s just not a lifestyle for me, although it’s appropriate and beneficial for others.
That probably goes back to that unrealistic, movie-love model, where the couple falls in love the first time they see each other, and they love each other with all their hearts forever and don’t see each other’s faults and would do anything to be with the other person and love means everything and actual details means nothing. Songs like “Love will keep us alive” are a lovely sentiment, but no, it won’t. You still need food in your bellies and a roof over your head.
Marrying for love is a pretty new concept; people used to be a lot more pragmatic about selecting a mate based on very concrete characteristics (how much money/land they had, if they could bear a lot of children, what kind of dowry they’d be bringing to the marriage, etc.).
(See you when you get your journeyman ticket! 
)
Thanks for the italics. I was merely offering a point for discussion based on a statement that I often hear, which Antigen (whom I know to be well-educated) responded to quite politely. Fer instance, I have a girlfriend who does the “as educated as me” routine but then says she couldn’t date a Ph.d. Clearly some people are disguising a salary requirement, but see, I don’t even really think that’s a bad thing so there’s no reason to get so huffy.
As to myyyyyyyyyyy wants…I’m having an arranged marriage so you might as well leave me out of this topic altogether as clearly I am going to end up with someone who is both in my educational and income range (well, definitely more since I’m underpaid for what I do because of who I work for), but then again, I’m not even the same model of a relationship as the majority of people on this board. I merely started this thread based on the repeated statements I’ve read on this board regarding not caring about money in spouse or women being goldiggers.
My mom always said it is as easy to fall in love with a rich one as a poor one. Which I think has some merit. Having said that, tho, my eldest has been going out for a couple of years with a kid from an extremely wealthy family, and I wouldn’t be at all disappointed were she to give him the boot.
Money makes a lot of things easier, but it certainly is not the sole or even the most important factor in a relationship. In short, I think it is important that a couple/family be a financially sustaining unit. But there are infinite ways they can get to that point. I think it would be unhealthy for most relationships if one party were seen as a disproportionate drain on the couple’s resources - monetary or otherwise.
anu - you really are going to participate in an arranged marriage? Does the poor fellow know what he is in for? (Or I guess I should ask, how big of a dowry is that gonna cost daddy?!) 
Date 'em?? Hell, I MARRIED them!!!
Seriously though, my husband is self employed, and as such, doesn’t always have work - when he doesn’t, we do what we have to and get buy. When he is home, he does take care of the house and stuff - it’s just not always pleasant - and I can testify that money issues are a HUGE stressor on a marriage - HUGE. Sometimes it’s hard to pay the bills, but he’s very good at what he does, and some job usually will come up.
I don’t agree that is clear as all (but I’m sure some people do). I think there is a level of snobbery in people - and people are snobs about all sorts of things. I once dumped a guy named Dave because I don’t like the name. Nice guy, too - but Dave? Perhaps she wants someone “educated” but is snobbish on the topic of “real doctors.” (To which the question is, is a PhD worth dating if he comes with a seven figure trust fund? - or is currently employed in a high paying job.)
Of course having said that I don’t care what my partner makes, I would want seperate finances. We could figure out who is going to pay what bill or percentage of what bill in advance, and then not think about it anymore. I wouldn’t want to just lump all our money together and then have to discuss each and every purchase with each other, that would be annoying as heck. Just because you are together doesn’t mean you have to do everything as a single unit.
Maybe…a “liberal” one…yes, I know, how does one have a “liberal” arranged marriage. It’s really more like arranged dating or whatever…my parents just introduce me to people. It’s like having a yentl. I’m a very lazy person. Seriously speaking though, if I found someone on my own they would not wig out but I’m expected to get married in a few years and I have no will to internet date and since they always find me people on the East Coast it’s a nice way to tell my agency I need a family reunion transfer.
But when they set me up it’s always with a doctor, a doctor, a doctor or maybe a doctor since ostensibly that’s the ONLY thing Indian boys can go into. There’s the odd engineering or financial duck too.
Alas, my father squandered all of our dowry money on all the worthless degrees my sister and I racked up to go into professions that bore us. But like I said, once I get my papers in advance locksmithing I’m leaving to go to Calgary.
Hey Campion, looking at your screen name reminded me that we probably work 5 minutes away from each other. What’s with this Great American Boycott thingie? I got 7 emails about it being okay to come in late today.
My grandmother told me there were 4 things that you absolutely needed in a mate:
- Is he married? (correct answer = no)
- Is he gay? (correct answer = no)
- Has he ever been in prison? (correct answer = no)
- Does he have a job? (correct answer = yes)
And that’s how I’ve always sort of thought about these things. As long as my mate has a job, I’m happy, regardless of what the job is. Frankly, I’d rather have a guy with a lower paying job who enjoyed it, and was able to spend time with me than a guy with a high paying job, who was always away with work, or a workaholic.
I make a decent amount of money and if I want something for myself I just buy it. I’m not at all concerned with having a man who can buy me stuff, however at the same time, I want him to be able to support himself.
Interesting. My ex is an Indian fella also doing the “arranged dating” thing and he just so happens to live in Calgary…
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…
I think I’m worse. I once dumped a guy who was too short for his accent.
One thing about meeting and getting married in college is that money hardly comes into it. We were 22 and entirely poor. However, I did know that he was going to be a decent provider in the future. I knew that he was a hard worker who would put his family first and all that stuff.
I wanted someone who would willingly work hard to support his family, who would be careful with money and who would have similar goals. The actual amount of money was not so important as what we would do with it. I lucked out and got a guy who thinks about money a lot like I do, so we have relatively little friction over finances.
I may have been a bit huffy, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a salary requirement (it makes sense that someone would want a certain level of salary), disguising it bothers me.
I would have no problem being married to an SAHD/Househusband, if it meant I never had to clean a toilet again. But he needs to have a degree.