# Does the Butt Clean Itself? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [October 24, 2018, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458 "2018-10-24T21:38:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Arcite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/67e7ee/32.png) [@Arcite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arcite)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2018, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/21 "2018-10-25T15:56:01Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > If you are getting feces on your cheeks when shitting, you are doing something wrong. It never ceases to amaze me to learn that a non-zero number of people shit standing up, or can’t spread their cheeks while sitting on the john. I wonder if this is a consequence of the obesity epidemic? Maybe lots of people _would_ be able to spread their cheeks if they were thin, but those mounds of blubber are just too damn big to get out of the way. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2018, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/22 "2018-10-25T18:22:27Z")
> [@Arkcon](#): > > There’s lots of anecdotal evidence on the internet that children, just before and during their tweens, really don’t get that through cleaning is something that’s important. And I’ve been standing 4 feet away from 10 year old girls, and 12 year old boys who clearly missed the memo given to them by health and hygiene classes. And I’m like – “Welp, one good infection will teach that little girl a lesson she’s desperately trying to ignore.” But unless the boy plays sports, he may never learn until he’s a crusty young adult and someone just tells him he stinks and has to fix that. I totally concur. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2018, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/23 "2018-10-25T18:31:51Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > Now I know the mouth cleans itself. I’d hate to see the state of your teeth. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2018, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/24 "2018-10-25T20:07:57Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Agree. I’ve never gotten any feces anywhere remotely near my face. The human body has at least four cheeks. _Fighting ignorance. Pew pew_ ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2018, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/25 "2018-10-25T21:18:33Z")
> [@](#): > > Spending excessive time on the toilet is harmful. Avoid sitting on the toilet more than two minutes _Two minutes?_ It takes me longer than two minutes to get my business done. There are times that you’re dropping the kids off at the pool when that last kid doesn’t want to leave the minivan! ---
**Author:** ![BeenJammin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beenjammin/32/448_2.png) [@BeenJammin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeenJammin)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2018, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/26 "2018-10-25T21:44:43Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > _Two minutes?_ It takes me … For me, anal mode of operation the 'ol body has gotten itself into could vary from the occasional “out-of-the-way-what-the-hell-did-i-eat” to “might-as-well-finish-this-article-as-long-as-I’m-here” and anywhere in-between. ---
**Author:** ![TSBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@TSBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TSBG)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/27 "2018-10-26T02:44:36Z")
Wait a minute, humans have had fleshy buttocks prone to retaining poop far far longer than they’ve had toilet paper or soap. What were archaic humans and Neanderthals doing to keep the rings off Uranus 100,000 years ago? Leaves? A stick? Is there any archaeological record of human toilet practices, eg a “poop pit” with or without leaves/sticks? (Or for that matter, areas near settlements where it’s obvious from the soil chemistry that it was the pissoir?) ALSO, after the Romans bathing pretty much disappeared in Western Europe. What happened to Middle Age asses? I’ve seen the toilet cubicles in French/English castles of the Hundred Years’ War, where the shit just tumbled down the side into the valley. There are not toilet paper holders in the wall. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/28 "2018-10-26T03:39:07Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > Does the Butt Clean Itself? Are you a cat? Or do you have one? ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/29 "2018-10-26T04:38:37Z")
> [@TSBG](#): > > Wait a minute, humans have had fleshy buttocks prone to retaining poop far far longer than they’ve had toilet paper or soap. What were archaic humans and Neanderthals doing to keep the rings off Uranus 100,000 years ago? Leaves? A stick? Is there any archaeological record of human toilet practices, eg a “poop pit” with or without leaves/sticks? (Or for that matter, areas near settlements where it’s obvious from the soil chemistry that it was the pissoir?) > > ALSO, after the Romans bathing pretty much disappeared in Western Europe. What happened to Middle Age asses? I’ve seen the toilet cubicles in French/English castles of the Hundred Years’ War, where the shit just tumbled down the side into the valley. There are not toilet paper holders in the wall. _In days of old when knights were bold and paper not invented they’d wipe their ass with bits of grass which left them freshly scented._ ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/30 "2018-10-26T04:55:49Z")
> [@TSBG](#): > > Wait a minute, humans have had fleshy buttocks prone to retaining poop far far longer than they’ve had toilet paper or soap. What were archaic humans and Neanderthals doing to keep the rings off Uranus 100,000 years ago? Leaves? A stick? Is there any archaeological record of human toilet practices, eg a “poop pit” with or without leaves/sticks? (Or for that matter, areas near settlements where it’s obvious from the soil chemistry that it was the pissoir?) > > ALSO, after the Romans bathing pretty much disappeared in Western Europe. What happened to Middle Age asses? I’ve seen the toilet cubicles in French/English castles of the Hundred Years’ War, where the shit just tumbled down the side into the valley. There are not toilet paper holders in the wall. Romans didn’t bathe every time they pooped: they had communal latrines and used a communal sea sponge on a stick to clean their anal areas. These were kept in vinegar (the sticks, not the anal areas–though that’d explain why anuses are puckered.) Some Middle Age folks used an angled wooden scraper. Royalty sometimes used rosewater and wool. One lucky SOB got the job of wiping the king’s butt. On a related note, in many castles, latrines were located near garderobes because the stench supposedly deterred moths. As for early hominids, we’ve found coprolites (fossilized feces) in known settlement areas, but no specialty tools for anal cleansing AFAIK. They most likely used grasses, leaves, stones, or the ever-available finger. The Greeks used pottery shards. I’m not sure if it’s true, but I’ve read they sometimes wrote the names of their enemies on the shards before using them. I guess some people were just unpoopular. I don’t have an unhealthy interest in the topic; it’s just when I taught world history, kids often wanted to know about potty habits in different times. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/31 "2018-10-26T04:56:36Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > _In days of old when knights were bold > and paper not invented > they’d wipe their ass > with bits of grass > which left them freshly scented._ So nice.🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/32 "2018-10-26T11:59:44Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > A little bit graphic, I know. But a good question. And I couldn’t be the first to wonder. Well, you _are_ the first. Congratulations. :dubious: I can hardly wait for the new Charmin ads. “It’s not self-cleaning, asshole!” ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/33 "2018-10-26T14:31:55Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > _In days of old when knights were bold > and paper not invented > they’d wipe their ass > with bits of grass > which left them freshly scented._ A very similar poem (on a different topic) made the rounds when I was a kid: In days of old when knights were bold And rubbers weren’t invented They’d slip a sock Upon their cock And babies were prevented (Yes, I know it wouldn’t work…) ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/34 "2018-10-26T15:29:17Z")
Has no one else really linked to this old Straight Dope column: [What did people use before toilet paper was invented?](https://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/572/what-did-people-use-before-toilet-paper-was-invented/) It appears there may be a reason geese are so damn hostile… ---
**Author:** ![Flyer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/flyer/32/7298_2.png) [@Flyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flyer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/35 "2018-10-26T16:22:19Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I am afraid you’ll get a rash if you don’t clean your bottom semi-regular like. Like daily. IMO. I think you mean “every time you have a bowel movement,” not “daily.” ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/36 "2018-10-26T16:28:59Z")
> [@Flyer](#): > > I think you mean “every time you have a bowel movement,” not “daily.” Well, that’s debatable. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/37 "2018-10-26T17:02:18Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > A very similar poem (on a different topic) made the rounds when I was a kid: > > In days of old when knights were bold > And rubbers weren’t invented > They’d slip a sock > Upon their cock > And babies were prevented > > (Yes, I know it wouldn’t work…) Actually, before the use of latex condoms, they use (in addition to animal intestines – yechh) oiled paper or silk or linen condoms. Some of these have been preserved. If it sounds as if it wouldn’t work, consider that “oiled” generally meant treated with linseed oil. Linseed oil is a natural polymer, and somewhat flexible (window putty is a mixture of linseed oil and chalk, for instance). So “oiled linen” and “oiled silk” were about as close to a latex condom as they could get in those days. And probably a lot more sensitive than lamb caecum. ---
**Author:** ![TSBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/77aa72/32.png) [@TSBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TSBG)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/38 "2018-10-26T22:09:01Z")
Using a finger, while probably effective, seems like a good way to die. Poop from fingers gets on food, and you’re not supposed to eat your own shit (or any shit, I suppose). ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/39 "2018-10-26T22:20:31Z")
> [@TSBG](#): > > Using a finger, while probably effective, seems like a good way to die. Poop from fingers gets on food, and you’re not supposed to eat your own shit (or any shit, I suppose). This is highly exaggerated. Ingesting a trace amount of your own feces isn’t going to kill you (or we would all have died as small children). Ingesting even a larger amount is probably not going to result in more than mild illness. After all, you’re not ingesting any infectious agents that weren’t in your body already. There is more risk of disease transmission by ingesting feces from other individuals. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2018, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458/40 "2018-10-26T23:20:00Z")
> [@TSBG](#): > > Using a finger, while probably effective, seems like a good way to die. Poop from fingers gets on food, and you’re not supposed to eat your own shit (or any shit, I suppose). If people died from ingesting their own colonic bacteria, we’d all be long dead. The whole groin region in colonized with the stuff that lives happily in your rectum. The most casual scratch of that region will coat your fingers with millions of such germs. which the typical person then sticks in their eyes, nose, and mouth with little thought. In fact, when you get intimately acquainted with any new sex partner (or even non-sexual new housemates with whom you share cleaning/food prep duties), there’s generally a period of time when one is stricken with mild GI symptoms like nausea, loose stools, malaise, etc. as your system is exposed to the new partner’s intestinal flora. Over 99% of the time, this settles down without significant consequences, but on occasion the reaction can be severe enough to require treatment. It’s a dirty world and we’re a dirty species. Fortunately we’re adapted to handle it. Being basically _clean_ with frequent handwashing and regular bathing cuts down on the overt nastiness of it all, but overaggressive scrubbing and disinfecting is not only futile but removes the body’s natural barriers and opens skin and pores to more potential exposure to a wider range of pathogens. And stay away from anti-bacterial soap! It just wipes out friendly species and breeds resistance, in addition to being futile. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-the-butt-clean-itself/823458.md?page=3)