# Does this count as cheating on my spouse? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 25, 2016, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165 "2016-01-25T10:51:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![adhemar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@adhemar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adhemar)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/21 "2016-01-26T02:53:21Z")
You were on a break. (friends reference) ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/22 "2016-01-26T03:13:51Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > If you are asking the question, a part of you is questioning your own motives. > The thought is the deed. > So, yes. Read it again. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/23 "2016-01-26T03:42:50Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > I think the cheatee does not get to unilaterally define what constitutes cheating. But don’t they? Not in a legal sense, but as far as relationships go. If you don’t accept your partners definition of cheating, you should find a different partner. > [@Muffin](#): > > ``` > It would depend on the laws of the jurisdiction. > > ``` If the OP is looking for a legal answer, as opposed to a moral one, I think this is the best answer. I can for certain, that the conduct in the OP–even with the consent of the soon-to-be ex-spouse–would be a crime and he could be prosecuted. I’ve recently learned of a soldier who was dating a “legally separated” woman from California. Even though a “legal separation” is a binding agreement, it is still short of a divorce. The soldier committed adultery and is being removed from military service. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/24 "2016-01-26T04:24:26Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > If you are asking the question, a part of you is questioning your own motives. > The thought is the deed. > So, yes. I never questioned it until maybe a year ago, so would the cheating have happened 30 years ago or last year? By the way, all, I was interested in the moral sense. Sorry I didn’t think to say so. But both are turning out interesting. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/25 "2016-01-26T05:51:29Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > Unless the cheatee has an absurd definition of cheating. Not arguing whether that was the case for the OP, just saying that I think the cheatee does not get to unilaterally define what constitutes cheating. If there is enough of a commitment for cheating to be an issue, both parties will have come to some kind of an understanding of what constitutes cheating. The cheater will know the boundaries that apply in each unique relationship, and therefore know what the lines are that ought not be crossed. And yes, the cheatee does get to define what constitutes grounds for an accusation of cheating, because the cheatee is the plaintiff that brings the case up for adjudication – and then goes on to become the prosecutor, the judge and the jury, and finally the executioner… ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/26 "2016-01-26T05:59:07Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > If you are asking the question, a part of you is questioning your own motives. > The thought is the deed. > So, yes. Jimmy Carter? Is that you? [QUOTE=Jimmy Carter] “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.” [/QUOTE] [link](http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1859513_1859526_1859518,00.html) ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/27 "2016-01-26T14:56:14Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > The thought is the deed. If that were true, we’d all be in prison serving life without parole. Civil behavior is separating the deed from the thought. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/28 "2016-01-26T18:40:46Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > But don’t they? Not in a legal sense, but as far as relationships go. If you don’t accept your partners definition of cheating, you should find a different partner. > [@jtur88](#): > > If there is enough of a commitment for cheating to be an issue, both parties will have come to some kind of an understanding of what constitutes cheating. The cheater will know the boundaries that apply in each unique relationship, and therefore know what the lines are that ought not be crossed. And yes, the cheatee does get to define what constitutes grounds for an accusation of cheating, because the cheatee is the plaintiff that brings the case up for adjudication – and then goes on to become the prosecutor, the judge and the jury, and finally the executioner… I think the issue is that if you have ended a relationship by your own code, you aren’t perpetually bound by the partner’s idea–for example, in the OP’s case. If he moved out, moved to a different city, and filed paperwork and was open about his intentions to start dating, that’s not cheating. Even if the (almost) ex-wife believes that it is and demands that he be faithful, it’s not her call, and he’s not obligated to let her define the boundaries of the relationship. Otherwise, there’d be people who could never ethically move on if their divorced spouse refused to recognize the civil divorce as meaningful. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/29 "2016-01-26T18:41:54Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > If you are asking the question, a part of you is questioning your own motives. > The thought is the deed. > So, yes. But he didn’t question his own motives for 30 years, and then he wondered. Does that mean it wasn’t cheating yesterday, but today it is? ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/30 "2016-01-26T19:00:02Z")
> [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](#): > > The thought is the deed. > So, yes. No it isn’t. So, no. ---
**Author:** ![markdash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@markdash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markdash)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2016, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/31 "2016-01-26T19:09:19Z")
Much like you shouldn’t consider it cheating if one partner in a mutually-agreed-upon open marriage had a relationship with a third party, you shouldn’t consider this cheating, either. Cheating is more about breaking the boundaries of the relationship as agreed upon by both parties, and less about your legal status when doing so. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2016, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/32 "2016-01-27T10:13:34Z")
It pretty obviously was NOT cheating. The one way in which it might have been a little morally questionable is if the person **Napier** was dating during the waiting period didn’t know he was in the middle of a divorce and thought he was completely unencumbered. But that’s a different issue and still wouldn’t count as cheating on the ex-wife. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2016, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/33 "2016-01-27T11:00:26Z")
My immediate response upon reading the topic line was ‘if you have to ask, the answer is probably yes.’ But, lo and behold, the story you tell is actually in the realm of ‘no’, and I can’t even imagine why you’d wonder. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2016, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/34 "2016-01-27T11:50:32Z")
All parties knew all the elements under discussion, and nobody expressed expectations that were not getting met. Here’s how I could wonder: “I always want to think of myself as in the right. But I was dating somebody else while still legally married. And if a man finds himself asking if something counts as cheating, it usually does. So, gee, maybe this is a case of wishful thinking.” ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/35 "2016-01-28T17:35:52Z")
Not cheating. However, I’d certainly let any new romantic interests that the divorce isn’t final yet. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/36 "2016-01-28T21:28:13Z")
The statute of limitations for Cheating is long past. Not guilty! ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2016, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/37 "2016-01-28T22:18:51Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Not cheating. However, I’d certainly let any new romantic interests that the divorce isn’t final yet. Good point – I did. ---
**Author:** ![DinkyDink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@DinkyDink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DinkyDink)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2016, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/38 "2016-01-30T21:30:50Z")
Nope, absolutely not. You are fine. Fine with the man upstairs, and your conscience soul be clear. DinkyDink ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2016, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/39 "2016-01-30T23:09:22Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > The statute of limitations for Cheating is long past. Not guilty! C’mon… I really like hearing better reasons for feeling like a hero than having grown old! ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2016, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165/40 "2016-01-30T23:45:36Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > C’mon… I really like hearing better reasons for feeling like a hero than having grown old! If your soon to be ex-wife had been seeing someone else, would you have thought that she was cheating? I doubt it. So I suspect you were consistent in your definition. Cheating is when you violate the rules. When I played solitaire with real cards I had a rule that if you had fewer than 10 cards you could select any. Under my rules, doing that wasn’t cheating. Your rules changed also. Not guilty! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-count-as-cheating-on-my-spouse/744165.md?page=3)