# Does this person seem like a narcissist? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2013, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375 "2013-04-11T04:04:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chilliwack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e79b87/32.png) [@Chilliwack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chilliwack)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/21 "2013-04-11T12:51:43Z")
In Abby’s defence, he kind of started it. “My cat is so cute.” “Oh yeah? Well my dog, that I don’t even have yet, that I will get at some unspecified point in the future, will be cuter.” He needed to compete right out of the gate. I’m not saying she’s not immature, and at down at his level in terms of arguing petty nonsense… (I’m not NOT licking toads) …but in the interest of being constructive, I’m going to join the “You two are young and incompatible, so don’t transfer to a school four hours away to pursue a reltionship with him - in fact, end it and find a better match for you” camp, and not the \ camp. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/22 "2013-04-11T12:54:58Z")
Well at least you are both caucasian. Phew. ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/23 "2013-04-11T13:16:59Z")
> [@gracer](#): > > Well at least you are both caucasian. Phew. LOL. I was thinking the same thing. Does it matter somehow what color you are? ---
**Author:** ![Deegeea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Deegeea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deegeea)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/24 "2013-04-11T13:31:46Z")
It read like a fairly normal conversation between two people who have different ideas about communication styles and a similar deficit of general social grace. Your best bet if you want to stay with this guy is to internally translate his “Winnie is cuter” to “Winnie seems cuter to me” and “That was hurtful” to “That felt hurtful to me” and so on. It’s what he means. It’s what every person means when they say that, not just him. Those things are opinions. “Star Wars was a great movie” is an opinion and means “I believe that, according to what I think makes movies great, Star Wars fit those criteria.” His best bet if he wants to stay with you is to couch all his opinions and feelings in explicit literal language for you so you don’t take offense. I doubt either of those things will happen, so probably you will break up, but there’s a chance. This conversation as reported is not evidence, in my amateur opinion, of any sort of clinical mental condition. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/25 "2013-04-11T13:40:17Z")
You guys are not going to make it. You both whisked up a fight out of absolutely nothing here. But it’s okay. He’s going away to school and things will likely come to a natural end. Most people don’t spend the rest of their lives with someone they’ve been dating since they were seventeen, and God, why would you want to? ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/26 "2013-04-11T14:04:36Z")
Make up sex is the only good thing to come out of such a silly argument. ---
**Author:** ![Sateryn76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Sateryn76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sateryn76)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/27 "2013-04-11T14:09:57Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > Oh yeah - and now that I’m reading that wall-o-text on my home computer and not on my phone… > > In your third quoted line (your second statement to him), you did indeed do a big steaming dump right on his apparently joking statement. He acknowledged that your cat is cute and came back with a joke about how his dog will be cuter, and your response… is to gloat that his dog will never actually love him? Seriously? You really amped up the competition there and with something more emotionally-laden than which is “cuter.” > > So regarding my response, I think he needs to consider whether he can live with you, too. You lay out the issues as: **he** has a psych diagnosis but **you** were abused. Consider whether you are positioning him as the bad guy and you as the victim who cannot help how she responds. Perhaps you should look into getting some help to assist with your self-esteem and communication skills. Yeah, I’m with this one here. He was jokey about his dog being cuter - You were shitty to him about how his dog will never love him. And then you proceed to nitpick and accuse and simmer and have now shown up here to get more people for your side. I have no doubt that if you got 100% of Dopers on your side, you would show him the thread to really hammer home that you were “right”. :rolleyes: I mean, seriously - this is a stupid argument. Really stupid. Now, even the greatest couples of all time have stupid arguments, but the fact that you keep chewing on it like it’s something important, and are spewing all of this bullshit on him, means that maybe you need some help with not freaking out over every small stupid thing that happens. Being abused does not give you an exemption from having proper relationship skills, not is it a free pass to act bitchy and run things into the ground. Don’t worry about him, worry about yourself. ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/28 "2013-04-11T14:42:42Z")
My experience has been many of those who yell and point “Narcissist!” should be pointing in a mirror. Self consideration may be in order here. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, but whatever you do, please do not procreate. That would be terrible. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/29 "2013-04-11T16:10:15Z")
Hooboy. I have a sincere question for you: Looking at this fight/disagreement, how much “blame” would you assign to each of you? Like, do you think he’s 100% at fault for the fight starting and how it went, or is it 90% him 10% you, or 80/20? 60/40? 50/50? And the follow up question: what are your reasons for choosing the percentages you did? I could write a dissertation in response to this, but I’ll limit at least my first post in this thread to one thing: Your apologies are absolutely awful and insincere. I found my blood pressure rising when reading this: > [@](#): > > Me: **Im sorry that you felt** i was being mean/rude; that really wasn’t my intention. **I recognize that my response was defensive** , as I felt like you were trying to make it seem like dogs are cuter than cats. I now know that\*\* that was a misunderstanding on my part\*\* and\*\* I reacted way too aggressively\*\*. Ill definitely work on not jumping to conclusions like that. **I can understand that you may be upset** as **you perceived what you said to be innocent and agreeable** , and therefore felt offended by the sudden change of tone in the conversation, as **you felt you had done nothing wrong**. I also recognize that instead of responding the way I did, I should’ve just told you that I felt like \*\*you were trying to cheapen the cuteness of my cat bc you tend to be biased towards dogs. But for what I said about the alpha-dog thing, I stand behind \*\* because from what I’ve learned and researched, its a fact. If you disagree based on your own research, that’s fine, I wouldn’t be opposed to hearing your evidence. If you aren’t sorry for what YOU have done/said, then _don’t apologize by blaming their reaction_. “I’m sorry you feel that way” isn’t sincere and isn’t accepting any responsibility. Hell, even, “I’m sorry I said something that hurt you” is better. Look at the bolded parts. Know what I see? [ul] [li] Someone who doesn’t think they did anything wrong. [/li][li] Someone who actually thinks her boyfriend is in the wrong and isnt interested in hearing his perspective. [/li][li] Someone who dismisses her boyfriend’s perspective with “you perceived” and “you felt” (subjective interpretations instead of objective fact).[/li][li] Someone who “recognizes” their shitty behavior but _still offers no apology for it_![/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/30 "2013-04-11T16:25:42Z")
God forbid you argue or fight about something actually serious or adult related. This is one of those things where you just concede because you realize fighting over it “isn’t worth it.” \<—remember that old saying? ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/31 "2013-04-11T16:44:37Z")
Op, You were very.childish and pretentious, lecturing him how cats are better than dogs. Over my life I have had dogs and cats both and could not disagree more with your “facts”. But for the purposes of your question, it drove me batty to see how you kept lecturing him over and over, it sounded very pretentious and patronizing.If he does have a mood disorder, it doesnt seem relevant to this particular exchange. Its possible you could also have some type of disorder from how you carried on. I would focus more on what you need to improve in working out a mature respectful relationship ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/32 "2013-04-11T17:36:13Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > Your story’s okay, but _my_ lengthy description of a guy who is a narcissist is way better. This can not slip by without acknowledgment. Brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/33 "2013-04-11T17:38:54Z")
Nothing about that exchange was conducive to a healthy relationship. You came off as unwilling to take any accountability for what you said and he apparently resorts to verbal abuse when he’s emotionally overwhelmed. You also sound really intent on ‘‘fixing’’ him without being willing to make any changes yourself. The fact that this incredibly small issue turned into a full-blown argument is a very bad sign. Imagine how things will go when actually important topics come up! If you really want to make a lifetime commitment, you need to accept that both people must make changes to improve a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/34 "2013-04-11T17:45:41Z")
Wow, your ability to recall lengthy conversations verbatim is really impressive. It’s almost as though you were writing dialogue instead of remembering what you and someone else said to each other. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/35 "2013-04-11T18:09:31Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Wow, your ability to recall lengthy conversations verbatim is really impressive. It’s almost as though you were writing dialogue instead of remembering what you and someone else said to each other. I assumed she copied and pasted from gchat, Facebook messaging or something similar, especially since she has parts that specify “here, I got on the phone --”. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/36 "2013-04-11T20:52:51Z")
Yo - OP? Stop watching so much Dr. Phil. You sound like a pretentious, self absorbed Psyche 101 student who thinks they know everything because they read the textbook. You don’t. And if I were the boyfriend, I’d be SO outta there. Really - in this whole scenario, you’re the bad guy. Sorry. But you asked. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/37 "2013-04-11T21:24:50Z")
It’s narcissistic to think that strangers on a message board want to read an incredibly lengthy word-for-word account of some stupid fight you had with your boyfriend. (I didn’t read it.) You should definitely make every effort to stay with this guy. That way only two people are miserable instead of four. Honestly, I don’t care what you do. Register-and-drama-post people never stay around for more than a couple of posts. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/38 "2013-04-11T22:00:05Z")
I am still cracking up over “I felt like you were trying to cheapen the cuteness of my cat”. My god, were we ever that young? ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/39 "2013-04-11T22:30:53Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > I am still cracking up over “I felt like you were trying to cheapen the cuteness of my cat”. My god, were we ever that young? No. No we weren’t. Trust me on this. I’ve gone through hell and back with stupid arguments with partners and ex-partners and none of them have ever reached this level of absurdity. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2013, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375/40 "2013-04-11T22:48:20Z")
Three things: There needs to name for this “Diagnose my friend/spouse with a personality disorder!” phenomena. It’s like people take an abnormal psych class and suddenly decide they are qualified to diagnose everyone around them. When people post transcripts of their text-fights and expect me to be the judge, I have to resist the urge to automatically side with the other person. I know this is irrational considering all the Straight Dope fights I’ve gotten into, but goodness gracious. This is a fight between you and the person you supposedly love. It’s like taking a picture of him wiping his ass and putting it up on Facebook and expecting us to all laugh at him. Maybe if I knew you to be a decent person and him to be a jerk, I could do this. But I don’t know know either of ya’ll. Both of you sound like people I wouldn’t want to spend lots of time around, truth be told. If he had NPD, you wouldn’t want to have a cup of coffee with him let alone marry. He may have a couple of narcissist traits, but so do most people who have anything resembling a backbone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-this-person-seem-like-a-narcissist/655375.md?page=3)