# Does "Tough Love" work? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 19, 2015, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116 "2015-02-19T19:23:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2015, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/21 "2015-02-22T17:16:25Z")
I think tough love should be used in situations where the person takes advantage of regular love. An addict that uses your support to buy drugs is one example. Always use love and kindness first though. Tough love should be a last resort. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2015, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/22 "2015-02-22T22:00:13Z")
> [@Sarabellum1976](#): > > The few times I’ve seen it implemented by parents, they generally caved in pretty quickly. I’m more curious about the cases where the parents stuck to their guns. Different experiences, of course, but the times I’ve seen it employed by bellowing and braying entitled parents trying to show off for their friends? Well, the cases I saw were bad grades and “curfew”. The kid found a different place to stay, made their own way, and permanently and completely severed all contacts with the parents. I suppose you are thinking that its “no big loss” and maybe you’re right. When the grand kids came along and when the whining about “but I want to see mah grand-spawn” became too much to bear, I heard it reared its ugly head again though. “This is MY property. Remember “my property, my rules”? Well, GTFO my property is my rule & STF away from my kids is Also my rule. I’m dialing 911. Git both of your flabby asses back to your car & off of my property. NOW…!” That’s what “tough love” got them. Never let a shitty 80s talking point kill your family. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2015, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/23 "2015-02-22T22:11:55Z")
> [@GusNSpot](#): > > LOL, define the word fact in such a way that your guess is better than my actual observation. 😃 > > IIRC, on the intwarwebs, an insult is not a winning or factual response. > > I was talking/attacking your belief in the apparent importance of your guess vs my actual observations. ( or just calling me a liar ) > > You are talking to me/attacking me personally with an insult. :smack: > > Yeah, you win… 😉 This is not GQ. It’s IMHO. OPINION, get it? You are being a jerk, too, in my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [February 22, 2015, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/24 "2015-02-22T22:31:10Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Different experiences, of course, but the times I’ve seen it employed by bellowing and braying entitled parents trying to show off for their friends? Well, the cases I saw were bad grades and “curfew”. > > The kid found a different place to stay, made their own way, > and permanently and completely severed all contacts with the parents. > > I suppose you are thinking that its “no big loss” and maybe you’re right. > When the grand kids came along and when the whining about “but I want to see mah grand-spawn” became too much to bear, I heard it reared its ugly head again though. > > “This is MY property. Remember “my property, my rules”? Well, GTFO my property is my rule & STF away from my kids is Also my rule. I’m dialing 911. Git both of your flabby asses back to your car & off of my property. NOW…!” > > That’s what “tough love” got them. > Never let a shitty 80s talking point kill your family. Wow. tell me more of the history of that. I’m curious. ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/25 "2015-02-23T03:10:34Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > That’s what “tough love” got them. > Never let a shitty 80s talking point kill your family. I refuse to believe the kid left solely due to tough love and not as a result of having massively shitty parents. ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/26 "2015-02-23T03:16:19Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > I refuse to believe the kid left solely due to tough love and not as a result of having massively shitty parents. That’s why I asked. The other possibility is that the kid is the vengeful type. Some small minority of people are just that way. ---
**Author:** ![GusNSpot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gusnspot/32/436_2.png) [@GusNSpot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GusNSpot)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/27 "2015-02-23T05:12:17Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > This is not GQ. It’s IMHO. OPINION, get it? You are being a jerk, too, in my opinion. Well!! Well!! :p:p So there. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/28 "2015-02-23T08:25:23Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > This is not GQ. It’s IMHO. OPINION, get it? You are being a jerk, too, in my opinion. The OP asked for anecdotal support. Monstro offered opinion on imagined scenarios, twice, not on experience. GunNSpot suggested she back her imagination up with actual real-life experience, as he had, as per the OP. How is that being a jerk? This may be IMHO, but the OP specifically asked for anecdotal support. Not imagination. If Monstro actually based her opinion on something more than imagining, she should have said so. As GusNSpot asked her to. ---
**Author:** ![john\_b\_2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9a28c/32.png) [@john\_b\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/john_b_2)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/29 "2015-02-23T11:21:38Z")
FWIW: I think it depends on the individuals (big duh). More specifically,–and I don’t want to get too long winded here–I think that if the love is stronger than the toughness it can work out. I’ve seen it. However, and this is a biggie, if the toughness is just an excuse for meanness, if the tough love person isn’t a nice person (.e. coddled his/her children or partners to the point of dependence, of what we used to call spoing), then all hell can break loose. The key to tough love working is sincerity, getting on the same page somehow, or working at it, and allowing each side to express his opinion. As it I see it what we call tough love is just a sort of buzzword. In the past we used looser, more colloquial expressions (“lowering the boom”, “wait till your father gets home”, “going to the woodshed”). Nowadays it seems that everything gets “clinicalized”. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/30 "2015-02-23T11:49:38Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > The OP asked for anecdotal support. Monstro offered opinion on imagined scenarios, twice, not on experience. GunNSpot suggested she back her imagination up with actual real-life experience, as he had, as per the OP. How is that being a jerk? This may be IMHO, but the OP specifically asked for anecdotal support. Not imagination. If Monstro actually based her opinion on something more than imagining, she should have said so. As GusNSpot asked her to. **GusNSpot** isn’t the OP of the thread. No one here has provided “facts”–as in, something that can’t be argued with. The OP hasn’t even defined what “tough love” is. That could be anything from, “Son, you need to eat your broccoli before you can have ice cream” to “Son, if you don’t stop doing drugs, I’m disowning you forever.” Surely I’m not the only one who thinks the conversation would benefit from a discussion of terms. Everyone here has provided opinions and speculations. No one has provided evidence to back up their claims. So I’m scratching my head, wondering why I’m being singled out for. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/31 "2015-02-23T14:38:40Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > I refuse to believe the kid left solely due to tough love and not as a result of having massively shitty parents. Why? I left at 19 precisely because my parents told me that if I was unhappy with the state of things, I could leave, which I did (and so did one of my brothers, and he was underage, being 17). My parents weren’t massively shitty. Refusing to let the kids see their grandparents is one thing, but being surprised that kids could decide to leave not exceptionnaly shitty parents after receiving an ultimatum is strange. Plenty of kids can’t wait to get rid of the parental unit even if there’s no big issue between them. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/32 "2015-02-23T16:39:16Z")
> [@WordMan](#): > > Is anyone else reading this thread and the “How do I get my toddler to eat veggies?” thread at the same time: I don’t see the association between these two things, to be honest. “Tough love” as the concept is commonly used, does not and should not apply to toddlers going through a developmental phase that at most represents a nuisance. “Tough love” means kicking someone out of the house because they’ve proven themselves to be a drain on others and are not self-motivated to improve themselves. Whether that be because of addiction or some other self-destructive habit. I have no idea whether it prompts addicts to turn their lives around. I’d imagine that largely depends on whether these people have truly hit rock bottom. But I think it probably does help enablers to preserve their own sanity. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2015, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116/33 "2015-02-23T17:39:44Z")
> [@Lakai](#): > > I refuse to believe the kid left solely due to tough love and not as a result of having massively shitty parents. Granted, I haven’t seen the “tough love” thing used as much as some, and yes in my distanced opinion they were Massively Shitty parents, but in the few examples I’ve seen, massively shitty parenting & tough love went together like black-wall tires & cop cars. There was the kid I knew who was in trouble a lot when I was younger. We didn’t get along then; later on in life, we did. He was adopted 4-5 years after his parents had a daughter (after a pregnancy that left them unable to have more kids). He was adopted solely because the father wanted to have a “son” and BOY did he ever KNOW that he was adopted. That said his Entire Life with them had the phrase “real daughter” coming up twice weekly at that house and princess favoritism that was so outlandish, even a kid like me could see that him acting up was his only way to strike back. He was a smart and funny kid, angry because there was no semblance in parity in treatment, whether it was birthday presents, clothes, privileges, schools, or even to right to attend a family vacation to a nice place. They called it “Tough Love”. :dubious: I Swear I remember overhearing, “…oh no, he’ll be home. I need a vacation from _his first name_. Can you check in on the house? Yes, Bermuda is going to be Wonderful…!” :dubious: Almost all of their vacations were like that & they made enough money that they saw the the continents of the World. He didn’t; so he had kids over to have parties at their house instead. Yes, he got into IV drugs later on. Yes, he was kicked out & disowned. He did eventually make something of his life, but it was too late. He died of AIDs; it was from a bad needle he’d used many years before. He was employed, clean, and had his head in the right direction… and then he was gone. His parents didn’t want it listed in the Obituary as the cause of death because of the stigma. I don’t think that fact surprised many of you… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-tough-love-work/713116.md?page=1)