# Does use of the term "partner" make you curious? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 6, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178 "2010-12-06T19:02:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/21 "2010-12-06T20:03:47Z")
I once had an opposing counsel one I got along with tell me what he was planning to do with his partner that weekend (a trip) and thought he meant his boss. A moment later I realized what he was talking about and once again felt like an idiot. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/22 "2010-12-06T20:14:13Z")
I also assume a homosexual relationship when I hear “partner”. I also prefer clarity in communication, so I referred to my live in as “my partner, Mike”. I figure if the conversation warrants mentioning your significant other, why not mention a name and avoid all the tiptoeing around? Plus I find it a bit rude to speak of someone solely as someone else’s partner, wife, etc. They do have their own identities, after all. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/23 "2010-12-06T20:20:28Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > You realize, of course, that this type of statement makes me think of Humpty Dumpty… 😛 Well, the meaning of the word “marriage” is the object of rather large and serious debate at present. It’s not just about _communication_, as for Alice, but about the right to set the conditions of one’s own life. Though it happens my own marriage was a legal one, I am entirely sympathetic to the feeling that something so personal should not _be_ subject to imposed definitions, just as people shouldn’t be required to accept others’ notions of what a “good” relationship is for them. Really the ideal to my thinking would be for “marriage” to have no _legal_ definition or effect whatsoever, for anyone, with “civil union” or “domestic partnership” or something of the sort replacing it as legal construct (with no constraints on who may enter into such, apart from those required for any contract), and individuals and churches and other private entities free to define it any way they pleased, for their _own_ purposes. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/24 "2010-12-06T20:50:18Z")
It pisses me off when straight couples use it. Yeah, I’m looking at you hetero live in couples of 10+ years. “Partner” is supposed to mean serious gay couple; it’s their word, frankly. I’m not alone in this belief; gay friends of mine have often claimed it is _their_ word to signify a serious relationship because they don’t have the right to marry. My SO’s (gay, partnered) uncle has a particularly bad beef with this; he can’t stand hetero couples going around introducing their “partners”. If people find the term “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” silly, then you should get engaged and have the term “fiance”. Or married, and the term “spouse”. If you want the world to view your relationship as more serious, it’s up to _you_ to make it more serious. I’m under no obligation to refer to your relationship with the word partner if you’re a hetero couple. As in, “Oh, Sam’s former partner”. Perhaps Miguel thinks Sam is cute and wants to go after him but I have to indelicately explain that Sam’s partner was Alice, not Al. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/25 "2010-12-06T20:57:30Z")
It doesn’t make me curious: but here’s how the terms break down in my mind. Husband/Wife: legally married. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: dating. Partner: living together without being married. All terms work for both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/26 "2010-12-06T21:00:06Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Really the ideal to my thinking would be for “marriage” to have no _legal_ definition or effect whatsoever, for anyone, with “civil union” or “domestic partnership” or something of the sort replacing it as legal construct (with no constraints on who may enter into such, apart from those required for any contract), and individuals and churches and other private entities free to define it any way they pleased, for their _own_ purposes. This would be my preferred development as well. However, in that a vast number of legal rights/benefits/distinctions presently depend on one’s status as being married or not, I prefer not to defer to individual interpretations/definitions. Heck, it may be the worst “lawyer” part of me, but I consider marriage largely - if not primarily - as a “legal” relationship. Heck, I could imagine someone who came here illegally a number of years ago, to consider himself to be a “citizen” - but he ain’t. I mean, yeah, he could be a “good citizen” of his community - but that is a different definition. Same way folk might be “married” to their jobs, philosophies, etc… ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/27 "2010-12-06T21:01:50Z")
I get annoyed by the implication that “partner” implies a romantic relationship. And to me it’s weird that Brits, Aussies, etc., use the term “mate” for relationships in which there’s no _mating_ involved. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/28 "2010-12-06T21:07:51Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > If people find the term “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” silly, then you should get engaged and have the term “fiance”. Or married, and the term “spouse”. If you want the world to view your relationship as more serious, it’s up to _you_ to make it more serious. Yeah, that’s a great reason for people to get married. Because you don’t like the word “partner” applied to heterosexual couples. Seriously, people can call their relationships whatever they want. They don’t need your permission. Oh, by the way, is it okay with you and your uncle if I continue to call the people I shared my law practice with my “partners”? Or should I be pissed off too because gay people have now co-opted that word for themselves? ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/29 "2010-12-06T21:11:42Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I would automatically assume that “partner” in this case meant same-sex partner. It just seems to be the go-to euphemism nowadays. Like you, I also wouldn’t care one way or the other. > > I guess grown adults may find the use of “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” somewhat immature sounding. This is why the term S.O. gets bandied about. Although that too could denote same-sex. It’s not a good assumption. SWMBO and I have been together more than 17 years. We are not married. We refer to each other as partners. Beats the hell out of [POSSLQ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/POSSLQ) - anyone remember that? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/30 "2010-12-06T21:32:01Z")
> [@Kalypso](#): > > I’m a female in a non-married committed sexual relationship with a male, and I _like_ to say partner. I’m more and more fond of “partner.” He’s not a boy. He’s not solely my friend. He is my partner. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/31 "2010-12-06T21:46:57Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > Yeah, that’s a great reason for people to get married. Because you don’t like the word “partner” applied to heterosexual couples. Seriously, people can call their relationships whatever they want. They don’t need your permission. Call the other your partner, that’s fine. You don’t need my permission, but I’m under no obligation to actually continue referring to them as “your partner” in the future. I’m saying hetero couples co-opting the word is bullshit. I don’t care if you consider your 8 year live-in boyfriend “more than a boyfriend”. Really, I don’t. So I’ll call him your boyfriend cause that’s what he _is_. He’s not your fiance - you’re not there yet. Or your spouse - clearly you’re frightened of the idea. > [@kathmandu](#): > > Oh, by the way, is it okay with you and your uncle if I continue to call the people I shared my law practice with my “partners”? Or should I be pissed off too because gay people have now co-opted that word for themselves? I was strictly talking about romantic relationships. Yikes, looks like it really is as easy as they say it is to get into law school. Not my uncle, my boyfriend’s: > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > My SO’s (gay, partnered) uncle has a particularly bad beef with this; he can’t stand hetero couples going around introducing their “partners”. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/32 "2010-12-06T21:47:16Z")
As a 46 year old gay male, I would feel dumb referring to anyone as “boyfriend.” I know some older ladies (50+) and they refer to their male friends as “gentleman friend” or “gentleman caller” ---
**Author:** ![Rin\_Twisted](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/82dd89/32.png) [@Rin\_Twisted](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rin_Twisted)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/33 "2010-12-06T21:53:54Z")
Dinsdale, I realize it doesn’t make any difference to your point, but did what gender partner did your co-worker end up having, anyway? I don’t even know them, and now I’m a little curious. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/34 "2010-12-06T21:58:37Z")
When I hear “partner” I think unmarried, but living together and in a romantic relationship. I don’t think gay or straight, because I’ve heard it enough to know it could mean either. ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/35 "2010-12-06T22:17:22Z")
Partner doesn’t imply the nature of the SO’s plumbing to me, but I’m aware that it does to some other people… which always makes me a touch hesitant when referring to my ex-(business)-partner in a context where the “business” aspect isn’t all that clear. > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I’m saying hetero couples co-opting the word is bullshit. I don’t care if you consider your 8 year live-in boyfriend “more than a boyfriend”. Really, I don’t. So I’ll call him your boyfriend cause that’s what he _is_. He’s not your fiance - you’re not there yet. Or your spouse - clearly you’re frightened of the idea. Different places have different laws and complexities. Around here your “8 year live-in boyfriend” is your _de facto_ common law husband (for the purpose of taxes, next-of-kin, matrimonial property, etc). Which I think reasonably would make him more than just a “boyfriend”, but not does not make the couple married (either under the Marriage Act 1955, or the Civil Union Act 2004\*), and not a fiance either (without an engagement, although there isn’t a legal standard for that as far as I know). So he’d be a… what? SO? Plus one? 🙂 Partner seems pretty neutral. \*Additional complexity: Civil Unions are available to both hetero- and same sex couples. What’s the “right” term for getting hitched? Civil union-ed? Ick. 🙂 (Our friends who got hitched this way say they had a wedding and got married. I wasn’t intending to tell them they’re wrong). Language is working to catch up… I think you are perhaps being a bit inflexible here. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/36 "2010-12-06T22:23:21Z")
**Dinsdale** : Now that your coworker is married, does she refer to her partner as her “husband” or “wife,” or does she still use the word “partner”? That would be a clue. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/37 "2010-12-06T22:26:06Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > As a 46 year old gay male, I would feel dumb referring to anyone as “boyfriend.” > > I know some older ladies (50+) and they refer to their male friends as “gentleman friend” or “gentleman caller” I’ve known people older than you who use the word “boyfriend” (or of course “girlfriend”;)) for someone they’re seeing, but not quite in a serious relationship. Actually, I think it’s kinda cute. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/38 "2010-12-06T22:27:13Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > “Partner” is supposed to mean serious gay couple; it’s their word, frankly. And if you are in a legally registered heterosexual **Domestic Partnership** in the city of San Francisco? Is “partner” okay then, or in that situation is the more cumbersome “domestic partner” the term preferred by Miss Manners? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/39 "2010-12-06T22:28:44Z")
I do wonder when I heard the term used, even though I actually use it myself to refer to my SO (well, partner and SO, I guess!). I actually don’t mind confusing people. If someone thinks, even briefly, that someone they assumed was straight may actually be gay, where’s the harm? If anything, it actually reminds me that I presume heterosexuality until I find out otherwise, and that gay people have to deal with this presumption all the time. As my friend described it, it’s like ‘a thousand little coming out parties every year.’ ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/40 "2010-12-06T22:32:29Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > **Dinsdale** : Now that your coworker is married, does she refer to her partner as her “husband” or “wife,” or does she still use the word “partner”? That would be a clue. Well, sometimes, but I know a number of married heteros is use ‘partner’, but then I’m in London, where the term seems to be more popular than ever. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at someone referring to their ‘partner’ and certainly wouldn’t assume they were gay. And I AM gay, so my gaydar is always twitchy. Someone upthread asked what gay marrieds call their others. Well, obviously, here in the UK we only have ‘Civil Partnerships’, but most people use partner (more formal situations), girlfriend/boyfriend (less formal) or ‘my missus/hubby’ (very casual). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178.md?page=3)