# Does use of the term "partner" make you curious? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 6, 2010, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178 "2010-12-06T19:02:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/41 "2010-12-06T22:33:15Z")
In answer to the OP, I suppose the term will sometimes make me curious, but not always. “Partner” is one of a number of terms I use to describe the heterosexual relationship I have with the woman I am dating now. I tend to use it more with her than I do in conversation about her with other people, I suppose, but I have used it in both contexts. I am not in any way speaking universally, here, but most of the gay friends I have (and I have a few) are not interested in being isolated from everyone else by being the only group of people who have partners. I’d really prefer that everyone had access to all of the terms for a romantic connection out there, rather than saying we need to reserve Term X for Group A. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/42 "2010-12-06T22:34:04Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > **Dinsdale** : Now that your coworker is married, does she refer to her partner as her “husband” or “wife,” or does she still use the word “partner”? That would be a clue. I dunno. It hasn’t come up. The partner was female. One other thing that sorta confused my aged brain was that they were blending families w/ multiple kids. We talk a bunch about her kids, who share my interests in aquaria and old cars. ---
**Author:** ![GreenHell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ea666f/32.png) [@GreenHell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenHell)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/43 "2010-12-06T22:39:11Z")
While I’m married, if that should end, I couldn’t see calling any subsequent female companion “girlfriend”. Not at my age. What about “consort”? ---
**Author:** ![GreenHell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ea666f/32.png) [@GreenHell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenHell)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/44 "2010-12-06T22:41:30Z")
Hmm, according to [dictionary.com](http://dictionary.com), that seems to imply legal marriage. Shoulda looked it up first. Nevermind! ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/45 "2010-12-06T22:42:18Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Call the other your partner, that’s fine. You don’t need my permission, but I’m under no obligation to actually continue referring to them as “your partner” in the future. I’m saying hetero couples co-opting the word is bullshit. I don’t care if you consider your 8 year live-in boyfriend “more than a boyfriend”. Really, I don’t. So I’ll call him your boyfriend cause that’s what he _is_. He’s not your fiance - you’re not there yet. Or your spouse - clearly you’re frightened of the idea. Well, we’re married now and have been for some time. But thanks for playing. > [@](#): > > I was strictly talking about romantic relationships. That may have been what you were talking about, but you should understand that the meanings of words change and evolve over time. You should also understand that people will come up with different words to describe different relationships of different significances. It makes sense to use different words to describe a relationship between 1. mature people who have been cohabiting for a significant period of time and 2. teenagers who have gone to the movies together twice. > [@](#): > > Yikes, looks like it really is as easy as they say it is to get into law school. Not my uncle, my boyfriend’s: Whoo, boy, you really zinged me there. Frankly, I don’t really care whether it’s your uncle or your boyfriend’s uncle. As far as I’m concerned, he seriously need to untwist his gotch, because no gay person I know gives two shits about whether happily coupled heteros call themselves “partners”. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/46 "2010-12-06T22:42:44Z")
> [@Tamerlane](#): > > And if you are in a legally registered heterosexual **Domestic Partnership** in the city of San Francisco? Is “partner” okay then, or in that situation is the more cumbersome “domestic partner” the term preferred by Miss Manners? San Francisco has much bigger fish to fry in their little nanny state than terms of referring to romantic others. > [@Apollyon](#): > > Different places have different laws and complexities. Around here your “8 year live-in boyfriend” is your _de facto_ common law husband (for the purpose of taxes, next-of-kin, matrimonial property, etc). Which I think reasonably would make him more than just a “boyfriend”, but not does not make the couple married (either under the Marriage Act 1955, or the Civil Union Act 2004\*), and not a fiance either (without an engagement, although there isn’t a legal standard for that as far as I know). > > So he’d be a… what? SO? Plus one? 🙂 Partner seems pretty neutral. Hmm, it seems most of these requirements in the 9 states that still recognize common law marriage (many others recognize ones that were started in the 90’s) are that they call themselves married and tell others they’re married. None of the dozens of co-habitating couples I know do that, nor to any referenced in the thread appear to. They’re using the “partner” term. Cite: [Common Law Married Fact Sheet](http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html). ETA: > [@kathmandu](#): > > Well, we’re married now and have been for some time. But thanks for playing.\ It makes sense to use different words to describe a relationship between 1. mature people who have been cohabiting for a significant period of time and 2. teenagers who have gone to the movies together twice. I don’t care that you’re married. I was using “you” as generalized, as everyone else in this thread was but you (see, now I’m referring to _just_ you) apparently. I’m glad you saw your now-spouse as “more than a boyfriend or girlfriend” and that you felt your deepest, most intimate feelings were greater than teenagers. But just because you wanted the world to recognize the two of you as “more” than boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t mean you actually were. ---
**Author:** ![Northern\_Piper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/northern_piper/32/5304_2.png) [@Northern\_Piper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Northern_Piper)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/47 "2010-12-06T22:46:29Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > It pisses me off when straight couples use it. Yeah, I’m looking at you hetero live in couples of 10+ years. “Partner” is supposed to mean serious gay couple; it’s their word, frankly. I’m not alone in this belief; gay friends of mine have often claimed it is _their_ word to signify a serious relationship because they don’t have the right to marry. My SO’s (gay, partnered) uncle has a particularly bad beef with this; he can’t stand hetero couples going around introducing their “partners”. Do you or your uncle take the same approach to the word “married”, and say that it’s the word for serious straight couples, it’s their word, and gay couples should find a different word? ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/48 "2010-12-06T22:51:00Z")
I spy with my widdle eye someone else who can’t read… ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/49 "2010-12-06T22:52:49Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > It pisses me off when straight couples use it. Yeah, I’m looking at you hetero live in couples of 10+ years. “Partner” is supposed to mean serious gay couple; it’s their word, frankly. I’m not alone in this belief; gay friends of mine have often claimed it is _their_ word to signify a serious relationship because they don’t have the right to marry. My SO’s (gay, partnered) uncle has a particularly bad beef with this; he can’t stand hetero couples going around introducing their “partners”. > > If people find the term “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” silly, then you should get engaged and have the term “fiance”. Or married, and the term “spouse”. If you want the world to view your relationship as more serious, it’s up to _you_ to make it more serious. > > I’m under no obligation to refer to your relationship with the word partner if you’re a hetero couple. As in, “Oh, Sam’s former partner”. Perhaps Miguel thinks Sam is cute and wants to go after him but I have to indelicately explain that Sam’s partner was Alice, not Al. :smack: How is this functionally different from the argument that the term “marriage” belongs to straight people, and that gays shouldn’t be allowed to use it? On a semi-related note to the OP, is anyone else bothered by the habit of heterosexual women referring to their platonic female friends as their “girlfriends?” ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/50 "2010-12-06T22:58:17Z")
I’m obviously strictly speaking from a US standpoint, and not any country that allows gay marriage across the boards. Because gay marriage is outlawed in 99% of the US, “partner” is traditionally the term used for serious gay couples. It’s ridiculous to steal the word for hetero couples’ usage. Hetero couples have tons of words to describe their relationships and their various stages. The entire reason \*\*Dinsdale \*\*started the thread is because he was unsure - and he shouldn’t have been! Why make people try hard to figure out what you are? If your response is “I don’t care what others think, la la la” then don’t expect them to use your term of reference to your romantic other. Once gay couples have the right to marry across the board in the US, this entire discussion will be moot. ETA: Yes, that is a bother. I don’t refer to my female friends as “girlfriends”. That’s just odd. I don’t go to the movies with my girlfriends, I go to the movies with my friends. Often an amalgamation of genders, but if not, they’re still my friends. If I went to a diner with a bunch of guy friends, I’d never say “I went to a restaurant with my boyfriends”. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/51 "2010-12-06T23:05:46Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > On a semi-related note to the OP, is anyone else bothered by the habit of heterosexual women referring to their platonic female friends as their “girlfriends?” I do this sometimes. Why does it bother you? ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/52 "2010-12-06T23:08:24Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > When I hear “partner” I think unmarried, but living together and in a romantic relationship. I don’t think gay or straight, because I’ve heard it enough to know it could mean either. I agree with this, mostly. To me (25, British) “partner” just means “person in my ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP slot at the moment”. Unlike some people in this thread, I’m in favour of having ambiguous words to refer to romantic partners because I don’t think it’s necessarily anyone’s business what kind of relationship you are in and who you are in it with. If someone wants to say “husband” they’ll say “husband”. If someone wants to be vague that’s their right and it’s good etiquette to have a word to use in that case, IMO. I don’t get the “heterosexual people are co-opting the word” argument at all. I’ve heard it in hetero contexts much more than I have in queer contexts. That may be a US/UK thing, though. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/53 "2010-12-06T23:35:58Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > On a semi-related note to the OP, is anyone else bothered by the habit of heterosexual women referring to their platonic female friends as their “girlfriends?” No, not at all. It’s usually pretty clear from the context (“So my girlfriends and I were at the races on Saturday and this cute guy offers to buy Melissa a drink…”) As for the OP, when I hear “Partner”, my first thought is usually “same-sex couple” if it’s a man speaking, or “heterosexual couple” if it’s a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/54 "2010-12-06T23:56:11Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I do this sometimes. Why does it bother you? Because more than once, I’ve heard a woman I’m interested in mention a girlfriend, and I can’t tell if that means she’s already in a relationship, or just watches too much _Sex in the City_. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/55 "2010-12-06T23:58:06Z")
When I hear “partner” referring to a non-business relationship, my default assumption is a gay relationship, however, it depends on the person using it and the circumstances. It does make me think about it. I could not care less, other than wanting to be correct about the meaning and not just make an assumption. For point of reference, I’m 51, in the US, and the word partner was not used to describe a romantic/sexual relationship when I was growing up, so it may stand out more to me. On the other hand, I’m still at a loss as to what word to use to refer to my relationship. As much as a certain poster may think she has the lock on what words everyone can use, I won’t use the word “boyfriend”. The man I’ve been involved with for 7 years and have lived with for half that time, is not a boy, at least chronologically speaking. I won’t comment on his maturity level. But nevertheless, he is not a boy and I’m not 16 and I do not have a “boyfriend”, thank you very much. We’re adults, with grandchildren, and houses and big people stuff. So I most often refer to him by name and people can figure out that I’m talking about someone with whom I’m in a committed relationship. Sometimes I’ll use “significant other” and less often “partner” because a conversation will force an identification of some kind. I’ve also used “the guy I live with” and other ridiculously lengthy and unwieldy things. There’s really no good term I’ve yet heard that works well for me. Manfriend? Nah. Guyfriend? Nah. I don’t know. Spousal Unit is one I’ve used lately, but since we’re not legally married, I guess it’s not really accurate. Although, I guess I could just solve it all by getting married, which apparently I’m afraid to do or something or I’m not really in a serious relationship because I’m not married, I just think I am. Who knew? Oh, apparently, **LindsayBluth,** definer of all relationships did. Silly me. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/56 "2010-12-07T00:05:55Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Because more than once, I’ve heard a woman I’m interested in mention a girlfriend, and I can’t tell if that means she’s already in a relationship, or just watches too much _Sex in the City_. So go ahead and do what you would do if she never made such a reference in the first place. (I’ll ignore the Sex in the City reference since I’ve never seen it.) ---
**Author:** ![Apollyon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/apollyon/32/4238_2.png) [@Apollyon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Apollyon)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/57 "2010-12-07T00:08:37Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Hmm, it seems most of these requirements in the 9 states that still recognize common law marriage (many others recognize ones that were started in the 90’s) are that they call themselves married and tell others they’re married. None of the dozens of co-habitating couples I know do that, nor to any referenced in the thread appear to. They’re using the “partner” term. Cite: [Common Law Married Fact Sheet](http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html). Interesting link, thank you. It would certainly seem that New Zealand’s concept of “_de facto_” isn’t quite the same thing (and I may have been mistaken / misleading by using the term “common law” – IANAL, etc). (References: [De Facto Relationships](http://www.communitylaw.org.nz/De-Facto-Relatio.224.0.html), [Lawlink: Do you have a de facto relationship?](http://www.lawlink.co.nz/members/timpanywalton/defacto.pdf) (PDF), [How to: The division of property when a marriage, civil union or de facto relationship ends](http://www.howtolaw.co.nz/html/ml013.asp)). Generally speaking, in NZ if a same- or opposite-sex couple who are 18 or older live together for 3 or more years and share a residence and finances then they are considered to be in a _de facto_ relationship which shares most – possibly all now – of the rights and responsibilities with both kinds of marriage (Marriage Act 1995, Civil Unions 2004). No specific actions are needed to end a _de facto_ relationship either, but property will generally get divided up just like matrimonial property. (It gets a lot more fuzzy that that, but IANAL…). Anyway… you are obviously entitled to your opinion on the use of “Partner”, and while I disagree with you it’s no reason for me to be impolite. 🙂 I was just hoping to show that sometimes / someplaces things are a bit more nuanced and that perhaps the traditional hetero-relationship terms can’t quite cut it. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/58 "2010-12-07T00:08:58Z")
ETA: This post was meant for Salem: It’s also most often women who want to define it as “more” and therefore use the term “partner”… **Salem** , if he asked you to marry you, would you say yes? Answer it honestly. If the answer is yes, you’re just trying to dress up the term “boyfriend”. **Apollyon** , the board is very US centric, so my apologies. Actually you jogged my memory - an old roommate of mine lived in NZ for 5 years. I remember him using the term partner as well. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/59 "2010-12-07T00:22:04Z")
You are making assumptions all over the place, both about the status of people’s relationships and my intent in speaking. I’m not trying to dress anything up. I’m trying to find a word that accurately describes my relationship at this point in my life, and “boyfriend” is not it. You can say it is all you want and make some bizarre assumption about whether I want to be married or don’t want to be or whatever. Adults don’t define relationships in that way. There are many types of relationships and people can define their own. If I had a boyfriend, I’d be a cougar, or a pedophile. I’m neither. You are obviously young. You’ll get over it eventually. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2010, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-use-of-the-term-partner-make-you-curious/563178/60 "2010-12-07T00:26:05Z")
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