# Does your ass shred the Charmin?
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [September 16, 2007, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392 "2007-09-16T15:30:53Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/1 "2007-09-16T15:30:53Z")
I’ve been seeing ads for a “new, _stronger_, Charmin”, and wondering how many hard asses there are out there destroying the regular Charmin. According to [their website](http://www.charmin.com/en_us/pages/prod_home.shtml?product=1)
> [@](#):
>
> Helps the clean stay with you, not the tissue! … Our New Charmin® Ultra Strong has a 2-ply Diamond Weave texture …to create a bath tissue that helps get your family clean by leaving fewer pieces behind than the leading value brand.
And I came across this surprising toilet paper, er, supplement. _Charmin® Fresh Mates_
> [@](#):
>
> Charmin® Fresh Mates with Diamond Weave in conjunction with your regular Charmin bath tissue, can help give you a shower fresh feeling any time of day. Charmin Fresh Mates also comes in a conveniently resealable package for freshness on the go.
When your ass needs a shower, but you don’t even want to get out of the car.
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### Author:  [@Duck\_Duck\_Goose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duck_Duck_Goose)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/2 "2007-09-16T17:09:20Z")
:mad:
I got suckered into buying two big packages (24 rolls altogether :mad: ) of that stuff the last time I was at the grocery store. Kroger was out of the Charmin double roll packages I normally get, and they had this stuff marked down tastily as a new-product-rollout come-on (the bastidges :mad: ), so I thought what the heck, and popped for it.
And I find it stiff and unyielding–it feels _starched_. It does NOT gently conform itself to the shape of my personal bits that most need wiping. It just kinda folds itself around in random shapes.
And I tend to pull off the same number of sheets as with the other Charmin, and the result is a huge handful of stiffish paper, not useful for carefully wiping the tender girly bits.
And damn, that starchy stiffness makes it _harsh_. I thought that we as a Civilization had mastered the technique of making TP that didn’t hurt when you wiped, at least, outside of campgrounds, institutions, and the military. But apparently some Suit at P&G was having a flashback to the Good Old Days at summer camp, and, smiling nostalgically, inflicted “harsh TP” upon an unsuspecting consumer populace.
So I find myself using more of the “'For Auxiliary Use” wet wipes that live on the back of the potty than normal.
Bah to the whole thing. “Will not buy this product again.”
Perhaps I should go buy a hamster to shred it up for bedding.
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### Author:  [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/3 "2007-09-16T17:46:24Z")
I too have recently been hoodwinked by the huggable bear. I just recently bought a 24 pack of “Charmin Ultra Soft” in an attempt to save money. No amount of money is worth the angst I now endure however. While soft and pleasing to the touch, whenever this TP gets anywhere near my nether regions, it’s like it takes on a mind of its own. It does not conform into a convenient wiping state, and it seems too bulky no matter how few squares I use. I always end up having a huge chunk stuck to my chocolate forest. Rot in hell Leonard; I hope Satan takes a big fat dump on your chest and all you have to clean with is 1 square of Charmin.
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### Author:  [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/4 "2007-09-16T17:47:38Z")
I refuse to buy any Charmin until they quit with the bear advertising. I don’t think it’s cute, I think it’s offensively stupid.
But while I don’t use their wipes, I gotta say that the general concept of the wipes is amazing and I don’t know why they didn’t get marketed sooner. **TMI** – ladies, during your period, those things are incredible!
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### Author:  [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/5 "2007-09-16T17:51:26Z")
[QUOTE=Duck Duck Goose]
so I thought what the heck, and popped for it.
[/QUOTE]
Spelling error.
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### Author:  [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/6 "2007-09-16T17:53:44Z")
Personally I am an _Angel Soft_ fan. Just the right consistency and fluffiness. As any of you who have read any of my thoughts on the idea that one can _never, never, never, ever_ have too much tp can attest to, if I say it’s good tp, then it’s good tp. 😃
Those wipe thingys are nice though.
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### Author:  [@Captain\_Socks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Socks)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/7 "2007-09-16T17:55:19Z")
\ ***Please don’t** \* squeeze the Charmin! 😃
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### Author:  [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/8 "2007-09-16T17:56:53Z")
My ass shreds sandpaper. I swear I’ve got the most ornery, hard-to-clean bung-hole on the planet.
Aren’t you glad I shared this?
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### Author:  [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/9 "2007-09-16T18:50:55Z")
I keep having nasty visions of Mr. Whipple in a commercial for this stuff.
[QUOTE=whiterabbit]
I refuse to buy any Charmin until they quit with the bear advertising. I don’t think it’s cute, I think it’s offensively stupid.
…
[/QUOTE]
I agree, bears may poop in the woods but they certainly don’t wipe!\*
\*Unless a nice soft rabbit happens by.
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### Author:  [@LucyInDisguise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LucyInDisguise)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/10 "2007-09-16T19:07:34Z")
There’s just one thing I got to know …
Could someone please tell me how the three little seashell things work?
Thank you.
Lucy
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### Author:  [@Santo\_Rugger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santo_Rugger)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/11 "2007-09-16T20:16:37Z")
My nickname in elementary school was Charmin, because my ass was (is) so big.
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### Author:  [@hocow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hocow)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/12 "2007-09-16T20:51:24Z")
We actually have some of the Strong Charmin right now. I don’t mind it too much, as I use fewer squares. My mom on the other hand, “Doesn’t like wiping her as with Bounty”. It is a mini version of Bounty paper towels.
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### Author:  [@ILovCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ILovCoffee)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/13 "2007-09-16T21:07:09Z")
Ever since I began taking additional iron for the sleep apnea/anemia problem I have had the “Turds from Hades”. They are green, soft , and mushy and flipping never-ending. Whereas before this, I had relaxed and started having nice, plump, non-dry turds that had a definite end point. I need a blessed Brillo pad to clean my poor bunghole now. I am miserable! The damp wipes are a god-send.
That was TMI, wasn’t it?
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### Author:  [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/14 "2007-09-16T21:37:13Z")
Oh Og, I didn’t realize what a horror this would become. :eek:
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### Author:  [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/15 "2007-09-16T21:50:21Z")
[QUOTE=LucyInDisguise]
There’s just one thing I got to know …
Could someone please tell me how the three little seashell things work?
Thank you.
Lucy
[/QUOTE]
Could someone please tell me what the three little seashells things are?
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### Author:  [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/16 "2007-09-16T22:03:38Z")
[QUOTE=kittenblue]
Could someone please tell me what the three little seashells things are?
[/QUOTE]
It was a MacGuffin from the movie [_Demolition Man_](http://www.amazon.com/Demolition-Man-Sylvester-Stallone/dp/fun-facts/630460288X).
> [@](#):
>
> _[whispering to Lenina]_ **John Spartan** : Look, I don’t know if you guys know it, but uh… you’re out of toilet paper.
>
> _[confused]_ **Alfredo Garcia** : Did… did you say toilet _paper_?
>
> **Lenina Huxley** : Um… they used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th…
>
> _[Lenina, Alfredo, and Erwin all laugh]_
>
> **John Spartan** : I’m happy that you’re happy, but the place where you’re supposed to have the toilet paper, you’ve got this little shelf with three seashells on it.
>
> **Erwin** : He doesn’t know how to use the three seashells!
>
> _[Erwin continues to laugh, then calms down]_
>
> **Erwin** : I can see how that could be confusing.
It was never explained in the movie how they were supposed to have been used.
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### Author:  [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/17 "2007-09-16T22:09:36Z")
What no-one ever seems to mention is the delayed anachronism of the ubiquitous shelf with three seashells found in the bathroom of every corny little old lady during most of the twentieth century.
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### Author:  [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/18 "2007-09-16T22:22:02Z")
I always assumed they were talking about an asscream scoop. What? You don’t have one? You never heard of it? Hmmm… maybe I’ve been assuming too much…
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### Author:  [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/19 "2007-09-16T23:12:51Z")
OK, so does a TP exist that doesn’t shred and doesn’t feel like sandpaper? Any reliable responses will be welcome!
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### Author:  [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)
#### Post date: [September 16, 2007, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-ass-shred-the-charmin/419392/20 "2007-09-16T23:22:12Z")
[QUOTE=ratatoskK]
OK, so does a TP exist that doesn’t shred and doesn’t feel like sandpaper? Any reliable responses will be welcome!
[/QUOTE]
I have had any issue with regular Charmin, or Northern.
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