# Does your suffering X make you more or less sympathetic to others suffering X? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2010, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863 "2010-05-26T19:24:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/41 "2010-05-28T22:58:03Z")
**olives** , I am genuinely touched. But you should know that I’m not universally held in such regard. Most Dopers who remember my name do so because of the combative nihilist ranting I do in times when my depression gets the better of me. Still - thank you very kindly. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/42 "2010-05-28T23:34:16Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > **olives** , I am genuinely touched. But you should know that I’m not universally held in such regard. Most Dopers who remember my name do so because of the combative nihilist ranting I do in times when my depression gets the better of me. Still - thank you very kindly. Yes, it’s because of your existential angst I find your thoughts so compelling. Believe it or not, I’m the same way, I totally get it. But what matters is that you’re always trying to create and articulate meaning, and that meaning is based in humanitarian values as evidenced in this thread. A lot of people take meaning for granted, but some of us have to build it from scratch. And what we build says a lot about who we are. I’m not even implying I always agree with your observations, but they always challenge me to more deeply explore my own convictions (Nietzsche’s concept of ‘‘worthy adversary’’ springs to mind.) And you have such a unique voice, there is really none other like it on the Dope. > [@](#): > > It never ceases to sadden me how deep down the conviction goes in our society that compassion is weakness - how tenaciously, even defensively, people hold to it, and yet how comparatively easy and pleasant it would be for us to learn to let go of it. In the little blurb on my facebook profile, it says, ‘‘Don’t mistake my compassion for weakness.’’ I try to combat this myth directly, but I don’t think people really get it. How can I rephrase it? ‘‘Just because I’m a nice lady doesn’t mean I’m not a tough bitch!’’ ---
**Author:** ![Visual\_Purple](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5daacb/32.png) [@Visual\_Purple](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Visual_Purple)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/43 "2010-05-29T01:12:40Z")
It makes me more sympathetic. I’ve gotten through various bad phases, and a certain stubbornness has served me well, but every time, there’s been dumb luck and social support involved as well. I’ve wallowed, and I know that, had I been a stronger person, I would wallowed less. But I had to go through what I had to go through in order to understand that there really was a path out. At one point in my life, I must have been pretty intolerable. I still am amazed that not everyone dumped me. I owe just about everything to that unearned kindness–I try always to remember that. There but for the grace of Og go I… . ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/44 "2010-05-29T05:47:09Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > I > > ETA: And actually, now that I think of it, that’s a good reason for me to let go of my disdain for people who fail to show empathy for others. Because by my own logic, they are being just as harsh on themselves, and really what they need is compassion too. Funny how that works, isn’t it? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/45 "2010-05-29T05:53:49Z")
Interesting…the murderer I spoke of a few days ago was sentenced [today](http://www.latimes.com/news/local/crime/la-me-lily-burk-20100529,0,2276533.story?page=1). And today is the first time I’ve seen anything at all about his early life… I just assumed, based on his later life, what his early life must have been. Unsurprisingly, I was right: > [@](#): > > Samuel, he said, experienced a “Dickensian” upbringing. As a 6-year-old boy, he watched his mother die of alcoholism, vomiting blood on the family’s couch. He and his siblings were shuttled from relative to relative, Pesta said. At 15, he saw an uncle beat his aunt to death. > > Samuel began using drugs and alcohol as a child. Though he has a criminal record that stretches back more than two decades, Samuel managed to spend some periods out of trouble when he wasn’t using drugs or alcohol, Pesta said It doesn’t excuse the murder, it just shows that it was committed by someone deeply wounded and suffering himself. It is the nature of the thing. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/46 "2010-05-29T09:09:49Z")
I have to admit that I didn’t notice/care to any great degree over people with special needs. To be honest, I think it wasn’t really on the radar instead of anything malicious. Although I have vague memories of having to apologize to a class of MR’s (mentally retarded, which was the used term back in the early 1970’s) for having teased someone when I was in maybe the 4th grade. I have a 18 month old brother that was extremely premature for that age, is partially deaf and grew up with some challenges. Having a special needs child of my own has been eye opening to say the least. And yes much more sypathetic to any fellow parent and moreso to the actual child or adult that has special needs. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/47 "2010-05-29T14:29:34Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > In the little blurb on my facebook profile, it says, ‘‘Don’t mistake my compassion for weakness.’’ I try to combat this myth directly, but I don’t think people really get it. They’re not going to. They’ve mostly been taught to _act_ like it’s true while being _told_ it’s not true. The idea that “compassion is weakness” is like a lot of other pernicious ideas. It serves the interests of people in power _only as long as they don’t spell it out._ The average person knows it’s absurd when you state it openly. So you sneak it into the common belief system, and people swallow it without knowing they believe it. > [@](#): > > How can I rephrase it? ‘‘Just because I’m a nice lady doesn’t mean I’m not a tough bitch!’’ Yes. Try that. Seriously. Words of one syllable always go down easier. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/48 "2010-05-29T16:19:27Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > ETA: And actually, now that I think of it, that’s a good reason for me to let go of my disdain for people who fail to show empathy for others. Because by my own logic, they are being just as harsh on themselves, and really what they need is compassion too. Can I still hate people who stop at the end of on ramps? Because if I can’t, life isn’t worth living! ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2010, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/49 "2010-05-29T22:59:37Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Can I still hate people who stop at the end of on ramps? Because if I can’t, life isn’t worth living! I gotta go with you there. They need to be burned at the stake. Along with 95% of tech support people. But everyone else gets total compassion. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/50 "2010-05-30T00:38:00Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > **Beware of Doug** , I’ve been meaning to say this to you-- I suppose now is as good a time as any. I think you are one of the most thoughtful and interesting posters on this board. If you ever write a book, let me know. I’ll buy a dozen copies. It occurred to me a couple of years ago that it costs me absolutely nothing to compliment someone else, it takes nothing away from me to say something nice, there’s no particular reason to not compliment people if they’ve done something worthy of complimenting, and yet people are hesitant to say something nice to someone else. Strange. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/51 "2010-05-30T01:32:11Z")
> [@irishgirl](#): > > Suffering hyperemesis for 15 weeks of my pregnancy makes me much, much more sympathetic to other women in the same position. Until you have had constant daily nausea and daily vomiting for weeks on end I don’t think you get how awful it is. Well, I’m wildly jealous of your 15 weeks. I’ve been barfing for 28 weeks now (most recently about 15 minutes ago for the 2nd time today) and I’m assuming I’ll be barfing for another 12. The person I really feel sorry for is my husband who’s been cleaning up after me when I don’t make it to the bathroom. Saint, that one is. As to what I have trouble feeling sympathy for - people with thyroid disorders that are 100 or so lbs overweight and blame their thyroid. Bull and shit. I’ve been hypo-thyroid for years. I have to exercise and eat an appropriate diet or I would weigh a ton. So I do those things and I don’t weigh a ton. Frankly, I don’t give a flying rat’s patootie how much someone weighs, but if you’re going to be a shwank, at least own it. Blaming a sluggish thyroid is just lame. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/52 "2010-05-30T01:50:56Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Well, I’m wildly jealous of your 15 weeks. I’ve been barfing for 28 weeks now (most recently about 15 minutes ago for the 2nd time today) and I’m assuming I’ll be barfing for another 12. The person I really feel sorry for is my husband who’s been cleaning up after me when I don’t make it to the bathroom. Saint, that one is. > > As to what I have trouble feeling sympathy for - people with thyroid disorders that are 100 or so lbs overweight and blame their thyroid. Bull and shit. I’ve been hypo-thyroid for years. I have to exercise and eat an appropriate diet or I would weigh a ton. So I do those things and I don’t weigh a ton. Frankly, I don’t give a flying rat’s patootie how much someone weighs, but if you’re going to be a shwank, at least own it. Blaming a sluggish thyroid is just lame. :rolleyes: It is to weep. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/53 "2010-05-30T02:15:13Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > :rolleyes: It is to weep. :rolleyes: yourself. There’s next to nothing I can do about morning sickness other than giving birth, which I will do soon enough. There’s plenty that people with hypothyroidism can do to control their weight. Sorry that doesn’t jibe with your worldview. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/54 "2010-05-30T10:27:31Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Well, I’m wildly jealous of your 15 weeks. I’ve been barfing for 28 weeks now (most recently about 15 minutes ago for the 2nd time today) and I’m assuming I’ll be barfing for another 12. The person I really feel sorry for is my husband who’s been cleaning up after me when I don’t make it to the bathroom. Saint, that one is. > > As to what I have trouble feeling sympathy for - people with thyroid disorders that are 100 or so lbs overweight and blame their thyroid. Bull and shit. I’ve been hypo-thyroid for years. I have to exercise and eat an appropriate diet or I would weigh a ton. So I do those things and I don’t weigh a ton. Frankly, I don’t give a flying rat’s patootie how much someone weighs, but if you’re going to be a shwank, at least own it. Blaming a sluggish thyroid is just lame. keep a 3 gallon stock pot by your seat. If a ninja hurl shows up, lean over, pick it up and hurl. The pot does a masterful job of containing hrock, and can be washed and sterilized after dumping it in the toilet. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/55 "2010-05-30T15:16:55Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > keep a 3 gallon stock pot by your seat. If a ninja hurl shows up, lean over, pick it up and hurl. Isn’t there a weird thread featuring this around here somewhere? ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/56 "2010-05-30T17:04:20Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It occurred to me a couple of years ago that it costs me absolutely nothing to compliment someone else, it takes nothing away from me to say something nice, there’s no particular reason to not compliment people if they’ve done something worthy of complimenting, and yet people are hesitant to say something nice to someone else. Strange. Competition and defensiveness rule. Never be anyone’s patsy; never appear disarmed; never show humanity unless and until it cannot be avoided. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/57 "2010-05-30T17:04:29Z")
I have sympathy for those who don’t ask for it. It doesn’t matter to me whether their experience is something I’m familiar with or not; if their situation seems to be an emotional ‘currency’ they use, I just wanna slap 'em. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/58 "2010-05-30T21:15:35Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It occurred to me a couple of years ago that it costs me absolutely nothing to compliment someone else, it takes nothing away from me to say something nice, there’s no particular reason to not compliment people if they’ve done something worthy of complimenting, and yet people are hesitant to say something nice to someone else. Strange. This is partly because people can react really strangely to compliments. For some reason I have this memory of a girl I knew in junior high school, she had long red hair and very pale skin, kind of unusual looking but, I thought, very attractive. So one day I just told her, ‘‘You know, I think you’re really pretty.’’ And she looked at me like I had three heads, like I had violated some unspoken social rule. I really wasn’t a part of her social circle at all, so maybe I did. Whatever. I still compliment people when I can. It’s such an easy way to make someone feel good. I think people deserve explicit credit for their awesome parts. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/59 "2010-05-30T23:10:44Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > This is partly because people can react really strangely to compliments. For some reason I have this memory of a girl I knew in junior high school, she had long red hair and very pale skin, kind of unusual looking but, I thought, very attractive. So one day I just told her, ‘‘You know, I think you’re really pretty.’’ > > And she looked at me like I had three heads, like I had violated some unspoken social rule. I really wasn’t a part of her social circle at all, so maybe I did. > > Whatever. I still compliment people when I can. It’s such an easy way to make someone feel good. I think people deserve explicit credit for their awesome parts. You and I seem to think and act very much alike in certain ways. I speak up to people about their awesome parts all the time. Most recently i was in a store and an older woman was there, probably around 75. She was very beautiful, in a way that was exactly appropriate and natural for a woman who has lived 75 years to be beautiful, and it was clear that as a young woman she had been very beautiful. Since I live in LA, I assumed that at one time in her youth she was probably an actress or model. So I asked her if she had been, and she said yes. Then I said I thought so because “you are such a beautiful woman” and she looked stunned and pleased all at once. I think it was not just because of the compliment, but because I didn’t modify it to account for her age in any way, I just said you ARE a beautiful woman. Not were, or must have been, or for your age, or anything. And I’m sure she probably doesn’t hear that very much anymore because even though she really truly is, the fact that her beauty includes wrinkles and white hair makes people think she “used to be”. Which is such bullshit. Anyway, I like telling people how awesome they are. (And I’m kinda sensitive to modifying compliments because doing so is really a kind of insult. I’ve been overweight-to-obese back and forth since I was a kid, and I was pretty when I was young, fat or thin. But people seemed compelled to let me know they only thought my face was pretty, because they would always tell me “you have such a pretty face”. Ummm… is that really necessary? Can’t you just tell me you think I’m pretty? No? Then don’t say anything, ok?) ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863/60 "2010-05-30T23:39:15Z")
You’re right, **Stoid** , we do seem mighty similar in this regard. > [@Stoid](#): > > (And I’m kinda sensitive to modifying compliments because doing so is really a kind of insult. I’ve been overweight-to-obese back and forth since I was a kid, and I was pretty when I was young, fat or thin. But people seemed compelled to let me know they only thought my face was pretty, because they would always tell me “you have such a pretty face”. Ummm… is that really necessary? Can’t you just tell me you think I’m pretty? No? Then don’t say anything, ok?) This actually brings to mind a time **Sr. Olives** , back when we were still just friends, commented that I had a lovely face. I was decidedly :dubious: until he hastily continued, ‘‘That’s, uh, not to imply anything negative about the rest of you.’’ Just goes to show it’s not always intended as an insult. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/does-your-suffering-x-make-you-more-or-less-sympathetic-to-others-suffering-x/540863.md?page=4)