# Doggie Prostitutes? Or: Men! What are you gonna do? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 18, 2002, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701 "2002-05-18T15:02:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Regina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d78d45/32.png) [@Regina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regina)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/1 "2002-05-18T15:02:59Z")
My husband, what a kidder. We have an almost-six-month-old puppy, name of Max. Max is what is politely referred to in the doggie world as a “half-breed.” Max has no business going out and making quarter-breed puppies. Max has an appointment to be neutered next month. When I mentioned this to my husband, he was flabbergasted, “What, my little boy, you’re going to cut his nuts off? No way.” I had no idea he felt this way. It was just a given in my mind that the little fella would be neutered. Unless you’re a breeder, all your dogs and cats should be neutered/spayed; doesn’t everyone know that? I calmly explained that there was no way I was going to have an un-fixed male dog running around humping everything, escaping the yard, getting into trouble. Finally, he came around to my viewpoint and agreed to the neutering, and said, “Well, OK, but I want to get him laid at least once before you cut his balls off.” Ha ha, he’s so funny, I think, what a typical male, projecting his abhorrence toward being neutered onto the dog, but continue to civilly argue with him, saying “Where are you going to find someone with a female dog who wants mutt puppies?” And he replies, “Well, they have doggie prostitutes.” Ha ha, he’s so funny . . . **he’s serious!** I’m dying laughing. He really thinks somewhere there are little red-light doghouses with scantily-clad lady dogs on birth control, ready to service the soon-to-be ball-less little doggies just one time, as is their right, nay, their \* necessity\*, before submitting to the knife. I really hate to disappoint them both. Anyone know where I can find a bitch madam? ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/2 "2002-05-18T15:12:19Z")
I dunno, it seems to me it would be better if he never knew what he was missing. You get him laid and _then_ cut his nads off? He’ll never forgive you. ---
**Author:** ![beagledave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@beagledave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beagledave)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/3 "2002-05-18T15:13:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AlaItalia \* > \*\* Anyone know where I can find a bitch madam? \*\* Not gonna do it…nope…not gonna do it… ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/4 "2002-05-18T15:14:18Z")
[Neuticles](http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html) These sound like they’re right up your husbands alley. So to speak. ---
**Author:** ![Regina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d78d45/32.png) [@Regina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regina)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/5 "2002-05-18T15:19:16Z")
> [@](#): > > [http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html:](http://www.neuticles.com/index1.html:) > Canine NeuticlesULTRA® (Solid Silicone) > Item # Description Each Pair > NU-Large 65 to 90 lbs+ $90.00 $129.00 > NU-Medium 30 to 60 lbs $84.00 $119.00 > NU-Small 11 to 30 lbs $76.00 $109.00 > NU-XSmall 3 to 10 lbs 69.00 99.00 > NU-Petite 1 to 3 lbs 62.00 89.00 Un-believable. What, no Xtra-Large? ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/6 "2002-05-18T16:53:01Z")
That’s gonna be tough. Shelters aren’t likely to loan out a female in heat, and they usually fix any animal before it’s adopted. No purebred owner is likely to be accomodating, since any contact with a non-purebred ruins the purebred forever (stupid AKC). Offhand, I’d say you have few options, other than telling your husband to grow up: 1. Put an ad in the paper looking for a female dog: ‘Wanted, female dog, for breeding. Good home provided, no obligations.’ You can get her spayed at the same time as you get Max neutered. 2. Buy a female puppy from a breeder. This may require a long wait until she reaches breeding age. Again, you can spay her after the deed is done. 3. Steal a female dog. Hold her captive until services have been performed to your (and Max’s) satisfaction. Then you can return the dog. Advantage: If there’s a reward offered, you can actually turn a profit on this. ---
**Author:** ![DougC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@DougC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougC)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/7 "2002-05-18T17:14:54Z")
- - - There ain’t no such thing as dog prostitutes: what he probably heard about was a prank pulled by a guy named (I think) Michael Skags-something… I have a Boing-Boing book somewhere that tells about it, but I can’t find it at the moment… - He plays pranks; one was running TV commercials in Hawaii for a psychic lawyer who could foretell the outcome of a case without prosecuting it, another was as a guy who windsurfed from Hawaii to California, another was as a Korean restaraunt-chain owner who wanted to buy unwanted dogs and cats, and one was as a guy running a dog prostitute service. I checked Snopes and BoinbBoing’s own site and didn’t find anything; if I find the book anytime soon I’ll post the ISBN #… - DougC ---
**Author:** ![DougC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@DougC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougC)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/8 "2002-05-18T17:26:05Z")
- - - Well sheet and sheet again. I found it, after moving probably the one stack of junk I didn’t touch before: the book is “The Happy Mutant’s Handbook - Mischevious Fun for Higher Primates”, ISBN# 1-57322-502-9. Copyright date is 1995, single printing. ~ …The guy’s name is Joey Skaggs, and the section on him begins on page 40… ~ - The psychic lawyer-bit ran 40 commercials on April Fool’s Day 1994, as “Maqdananda, Psychic Attorney”. - For the “Cathouse For Dogs” bit, he ran ads in the Villiage Voice. He even put on a runway show, with models leading around dogs on leashes. - DougC ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/9 "2002-05-18T17:49:19Z")
> [@](#): > > NU-Large 65 to 90 lbs+ $90.00 $129.00 I must be really out of it today cause I just spent about 30 seconds trying to figure out what the hell kind of dog has 90 pound testicles. ---
**Author:** ![lawoot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/35a633/32.png) [@lawoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lawoot)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/10 "2002-05-18T17:53:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by wolfman \* > \*\* > I must be really out of it today cause I just spent about 30 seconds trying to figure out what the hell kind of dog has 90 pound testicles. \*\* Why, obviously, a Blue-Ball terrier! ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/11 "2002-05-18T20:28:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Danalan \* > **No purebred owner is likely to be accomodating, since any contact with a non-purebred ruins the purebred forever (stupid AKC).** You wouldn’t have a cite for this, would you? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2002, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/12 "2002-05-18T20:56:56Z")
I don’t know if Neuticles would be the way to go; the way your husband is over-identifying with the dog, **AlaItalia** , he’d want to get the biggest set of Neuticles on the market for the poor pooch. Poor dog would end up looking like he had cantaloupes glued to his hind regions. ---
**Author:** ![whistlepig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/73ab20/32.png) [@whistlepig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whistlepig)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/13 "2002-05-19T01:36:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by featherlou \* > **I don’t know if Neuticles would be the way to go; the way your husband is over-identifying with the dog,** Perhaps you could suggest to your husband that they neuter the dog with the rubber band method (DVM will have a fancier name). They just put a real tight rubber band at the base of the scrotum that cuts off the blood flow. Eventually . . . they just fall off. (WARNING - TMI AHEAD) Some friends of mine did this with their chocolate lab, Sam. One day he had balls, a few weeks later it looked like Sam had a small bat hanging between his legs. I would stand by Sam and his male owner and in a very quiet voice go, “Help me. I’m shrinking. I’m shrinking!” One day the boys/brown bat were gone. I never did ask if they fell off inside the house, but I could imagine the scene, “Look honey, there is a leaf on the carpet. I will pick it up. Wait a second, this isn’t a leaf, it’s . . . SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! What have we done!” ---
**Author:** ![Tortuga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@Tortuga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tortuga)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2002, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/14 "2002-05-19T07:57:57Z")
Ah, the rubber band method. We used that on the sheep. Kind of sad and funny the first time, because you release the rubber band, let the lamb go and it’s kind of like releasing an animal that’s been spun too many times, except accompanied by pitiful, shocked, wailing. Well, I guess you had to be there for it to be funny. I have been told that sex is painful for girl dogs, and that they often scream in pain because of the male’s barbed penis. Because this world doesn’t need any more unplanned unwanted animals, I would suggest that you fib (in regards to this matter) to your husband until he’s old enough to accept the truth, and just say “Oh honey, I found the perfect doggie whorehouse, I’ll go get him laid and while he’s still blissed out I’ll get him fixed; he’ll get groped, doped, and noped in one fell swoop…” Or something like that. Then just take him to the vet, per sanity. ---
**Author:** ![Regina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d78d45/32.png) [@Regina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regina)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2002, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/15 "2002-05-21T22:07:30Z")
\*\*DougC, \*\*you are remarkable. Not just remembering that tidbit of info but actually _having_ and _finding_ the book from whence it came! I feel a little bad that really I have no intention of having Max laid before his operation. You guys’ serious responses kind of make me feel guilty for, well, lying, for the sake of humor. Except for the last two lines, the rest is absolutely true. Thanks to everyone who seriously tried to find an answer for me and to the rest of you, even **whistlepig** and his/her hilarious TMI. I would never do that to my little Maxie! Bats indeed! ---
**Author:** ![Sephiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@Sephiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sephiroth)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2002, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/16 "2002-05-22T05:01:23Z")
Didn’t I hear somewhere that the only two species that actually even enjoy sex are humans and dolphins? ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2002, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/17 "2002-05-22T05:17:32Z")
I’m quite sure that all or nearly all animals enjoy sex, or they wouldn’t do it. Tell your husband to grow up. ---
**Author:** ![DougC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7feea3/32.png) [@DougC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DougC)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2002, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/18 "2002-05-22T07:41:55Z")
> [@](#): > > Didn’t I hear somewhere that the only two species that actually even enjoy sex are humans and dolphins? - - - I live in IL, are you suggesting I vacation in Florida this year? - DougC ~ [sub]how much jack’s it take to get a dolphin plastered, anyway?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2002, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/19 "2002-05-22T10:03:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > **I’m quite sure that all or nearly all animals enjoy sex, or they wouldn’t do it.** Funny, all that stuff about the instinct of reproduction must be bollocks, then. No pun intended. AlaItalia, does the dog run around unsupervised a lot? If it’s an indoor dog that’s only walked on a leash, is there really a reason to neuter it? Maybe this is another one of those Europe vs. America cultural things, but dogs aren’t routinely neutered over here - although cats _are_, what with them being a lot less “controlable” than the average dog. I’d avoid any unnecessary surgery on an animal, personally. And the rubber band method? Do they still use that? Sounds rather cruel to me. ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2002, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701/20 "2002-05-22T16:08:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tortuga \* > \*\*I have been told that sex is painful for girl dogs, and that they often scream in pain because of the male’s barbed penis. \*\* That’s cats. And the rubber-band methods sounds very cruel. And there is no need to let him “get a little” before you neuter him. It’s a DOG! It’s not a reasoning human being who knows what is happening and what they’ll be missing out on. AlaItalia, your hubby is anthropomorphizing to a huge degree. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doggie-prostitutes-or-men-what-are-you-gonna-do/109701.md?page=2)