# Domestic Problems and Alternate Lifestyles **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 8, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446 "2010-04-08T19:26:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/1 "2010-04-08T19:26:37Z")
I have a sad situation in which a friend is in a bad relationship. We’re geographically distant, and I’m not in a situation that lets me lend much except moral support. I’d like to at least make my moral support useful. The situation: She’s not married to the guy, and they apparently have some kind of BDSM type relationship, which is obviously bad news when the partner is both sadistic and an asshole. She also has very little in the way of financial independence, and isn’t close with relatives. In short, she has basically let herself get into a bad, bad place. She has to sneak emails out on her phone just to communicate because he doesn’t like her doing anything without his permission. This is in the Ohio area. I’m wondering if there is any sort of general or lifestyle-specific support she might find in that area. If anybody has a link or a tip, please post it or PM me. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/2 "2010-04-08T19:35:17Z")
What do you mean by “bad relationship?” Do you mean it’s abusive? If so, then why does any help have to be lifestyle specific. If she’s in an abusive relationship then she can use the same resources as anybody else. The BDSM bullshit is neither here nor there. If she needs to get away from the guy, then she needs to get away from the guy. Just try to find what ever resources there are for domestic violence victims. If it’s not abusive, and she just wants to leave, then the BDSM crap still doesn’t matter. it’s just a money thing. I have no particular ideas on how she can get money, but, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any leather groups out there giving out money to people who want to leave unhappy relationships. I don’t see how the lifestyle is relevant unless she’s afraid of the reaction she might get from cops on DV calls or something. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/3 "2010-04-08T19:36:49Z")
For starters, try: > **[Need legal information, forms or a lawyer? | Ohio Legal Help](https://www.ohiolegalhelp.org)** > > Ohio Legal Help is a nonprofit that guides, informs and connects Ohioans with the right help for their legal problems and/or [Ohio Domestic Violence Shelters](http://www.actionohio.org/Copy%20of%20dvshelter.htm) Another potential resource which I am definitely not going to google on my work computer is an organization called Kink Aware Professionals. They may or may not have any contacts in Ohio, but I understand that they are aware of BDSM lifestyle issues, and may be able to assist or refer her to someone who can. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/4 "2010-04-08T19:42:03Z")
[National Coalition for Sexual Freedom Kink Aware Professionals](http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270) website. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/5 "2010-04-08T19:46:19Z")
If she is willingly in a BDSM relationship…doesn’t that mean she likes it that way? Otherwise she’s just with an abusive asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/6 "2010-04-08T19:52:34Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > If she is willingly in a BDSM relationship…doesn’t that mean she likes it that way? No, it does not. Domestic Violence and BDSM are two very different things. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/7 "2010-04-08T20:10:16Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > No, it does not. Domestic Violence and BDSM are two very different things. Yup. And that’s why very specific resources are a good thing. BDSM activities are **mutually** enjoyable and most often have very specific guidelines, or at least “safe words” to halt actions that aren’t pleasurable. Some jerks use the scene as a way to be abusive. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/8 "2010-04-08T20:27:40Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > If she is willingly in a BDSM relationship…doesn’t that mean she likes it that way? > > Otherwise she’s just with an abusive asshole. > [@Oakminster](#): > > No, it does not. Domestic Violence and BDSM are two very different things. Thanks Captain Obvious. If you went back and read my post clearly, you would see that I’m saying the same thing you are. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/9 "2010-04-08T20:48:38Z")
If it’s domestic violence then it’s domestic violence. Of what relevance is the S&M nonsense to the professionals who deal with domestic violence? ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/10 "2010-04-08T21:04:55Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > Thanks Captain Obvious. If you went back and read my post clearly, you would see that I’m saying the same thing you are. :rolleyes: [Moderator Note] Let’s avoid insulting other posters in GQ. No warning issued. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/11 "2010-04-08T21:10:40Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > If it’s domestic violence then it’s domestic violence. Of what relevance is the S&M nonsense to the professionals who deal with domestic violence? The relevance, I think, is in the granularity of the response. I could tell her to go to any of many women’s support/shelter services, but if I can find a resource less dismissive and/or judgmental than referring to her lifestyle choices as “nonsense,” I think I’ll have done her a bit better service. Wouldn’t you agree that a group devoted to Gay and Lesbian lifestyles, for example, might have better, more targeted resources (or at least advice) for someone in an abusive gay relationship than one aimed more broadly? I’m just as capable as the next person of saying, “dump the guy, he’s a creep and that’s all that matters.” I just don’t feel that may not be the \*only \*useful information I can gather. Thanks to all for the links provided above. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/12 "2010-04-08T21:46:51Z")
> [@Scupper](#): > > The relevance, I think, is in the granularity of the response. I could tell her to go to any of many women’s support/shelter services, but if I can find a resource less dismissive and/or judgmental than referring to her lifestyle choices as “nonsense,” I think I’ll have done her a bit better service. What makes you think they would be dismissive? I assure you. they are not. The BDSM stuff simply would not be relevant. There would be no reason to even tell them about it. > [@](#): > > Wouldn’t you agree that a group devoted to Gay and Lesbian lifestyles, for example, might have better, more targeted resources (or at least advice) for someone in an abusive gay relationship than one aimed more broadly? Absolutely not. What is needed is people who are professionals at dealing with domestic violence. The “lifestyle” is irrelevant, and being some kind of S&M advocate does not make anyone an expert on domestic violence. Abuse is the issue, not sexual kinks. That part doesn’t even have to be mentioned, but even if it was, the professionals who deal with these things are a\>) not going to be shocked or confused or taken off guard, and b.) not going to turn then away because of it. > [@](#): > > I’m just as capable as the next person of saying, “dump the guy, he’s a creep and that’s all that matters.” I just don’t feel that may not be the \*only \*useful information I can gather. The useful information will be the numbers for people who deal with domestic violence, not people who just know about irrelevant sex kinks. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/13 "2010-04-08T21:51:58Z")
BDSM is not necessarily abusive, at least any more so than ordinary sex. Remember that BDSM is supposed to involve advance consent - if it doesn’t, then in my non-professional opinion, it’s just sadistic abuse and not BDSM at all. ---
**Author:** ![CurtC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce73a5/32.png) [@CurtC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CurtC)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/14 "2010-04-08T21:56:54Z")
> [@Scupper](#): > > …but if I can find a resource less dismissive and/or judgmental than referring to her lifestyle choices as “nonsense,” I think I’ll have done her a bit better service. By “nonsense,” I think he meant that it’s not relevant to the situation. IOW, it was nonsense for you to bring it up. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/15 "2010-04-08T21:58:14Z")
> [@robert\_andrews](#): > > BDSM is not necessarily abusive, at least any more so than ordinary sex. Remember that BDSM is supposed to involve advance consent - if it doesn’t, then in my non-professional opinion, it’s just sadistic abuse and not BDSM at all. That’s what I’m saying. This isn’t a sexual lifestyle issue, it’s a domestic violence issue. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/16 "2010-04-08T21:59:07Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > What makes you think they would be dismissive? I assure you. they are not. The BDSM stuff simply would not be relevant. There would be no reason to even tell them about it. Flat out wrong. She says domestic violence/abuse. He says kinky sex. BDSM is now relevant. Her lawyer now needs to show how whatever happened was not consensual bdsm activity, but was really domestic violence/abuse. There are also likely to be psychological issues involved…some attributable to being a victim, some possibly related to the submission aspect of a bdsm relationship. Add to that equation that many people strongly prefer to not testify under oath about their kinky sexual practices. One side or the other may attempt to use that as a bargaining tool in negotiations/litigation. If there was a marriage and/or children involved, it becomes even more complicated. Professionals with some knowledge of bdsm are better equipped to deal with these issues than those without such knowledge. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/17 "2010-04-08T22:19:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Her lawyer now needs to show Um, it doesn’t sound like she’s interested in a legal dispute, just an escape. Doesn’t sound like she’s looking to press charges or go to court, just safely flee. What a lawyer would or wouldn’t do is irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/18 "2010-04-08T23:11:02Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Um, it doesn’t sound like she’s interested in a legal dispute, just an escape. Doesn’t sound like she’s looking to press charges or go to court, just safely flee. What a lawyer would or wouldn’t do is irrelevant. Um, the OP asked for options, without excluding legal options. An Order of Protection from Domestic Abuse is one such option. To get one of those, it is necessary to show that there was, in fact, abuse. ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/19 "2010-04-08T23:30:32Z")
**Diogenes the Cynic** , I can appreciate the possibility that it isn’t necessarily relevant, but it was a complication I felt was worth noting. If you disagree, that’s perfectly fine by me, but I’m not convinced you’re right. I was more or less thinking along the same lines as \*\*Oakminster \*\*-- i.e. how do you make any sort of case for domestic violence when the nature of the relationship itself can be used to show that it was in some way consensual? He just put it better than I did. I don’t have any idea what legal action, if any, is going to come into play. I simply wanted to arm my friend with information. I am not completely ignorant of this lifestyle, and I know that there are people who are very sensitive to the abuses it can be used to excuse, as well as the public perception of same. If \*those \*people, who I think you’d have to admit might know a little bit more about it than you or I, say, “it’s not a BDSM issue, it’s a domestic violence issue,” then it might at the very least give her more confidence going forward. Likewise, if they say, “you’re going to need to be prepared for x, y, and z, because lawyers will use those to shred you in this kind of thing,” that might somehow be useful as well. Hell, I don’t know, maybe every social worker out there has seen everything there is to see, and can provide all the guidance anyone would ever need, but how can more information, or more specifics, hurt? ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2010, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/20 "2010-04-08T23:51:36Z")
Lifestyle BDSM, or just in the bedroom? If it’s just in the bedroom, there’s no reason to bring it up. If it’s a lifestyle thing, though. . .that’s a whole 'nother kettle of fish. Given that you mentioned that she’s without financial support, has very few contacts. . .it sounds like it could be that. Or he could just be a controlling asshole. **Scupper** , where in Ohio is she? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446.md?page=2)