# Domestic Problems and Alternate Lifestyles **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 8, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446 "2010-04-08T19:26:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/121 "2010-04-12T21:22:13Z")
A very basic list of question’s from [this link](http://www.pandys.org/articles/bdsmdomesticviolence.html) regarding BDSM and domestic violence (with additional information specifically on this topic): > [@](#): > > - Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you outside of a scene? > - Has she or he ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind? > - Are you afraid of your partner? > - Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something that can be “agreed” upon; there is an absence of safe words or understandings. > - Has she or he ever violated your limits? > - Do you feel trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom? > - Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set? > - Do you feel obligated to have sex? > - Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident? > - Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups? > - Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets? > - Has your partner abused or threatened your children? > - Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? > - Has he or she ever stolen from you or run up debts? > - Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another? > - Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? > - Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? > - Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? > - Do you feel that you can’t discuss with your partner what is bothering you? ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/122 "2010-04-12T21:51:18Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > Read what I am saying carefully: _You. Will. Not. Convince. Him. To. Change. His. Mind._ You are, of course, right. I’ll just stop responding to him because he’s clearly not interested in a discussion or helping the OP in any meaningful manner. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/123 "2010-04-13T00:40:48Z")
> [@missred](#): > > **Dio** , I have a serious question for you: what is the usual process for finding refuge in a DV shelter? Showing up. Some places will send people to help you get out if you need it. > [@](#): > > Have you any experience as a client or worked in one? (so, ok, that’s two questions. 🙂 ) No, but my wife has done DV work as a social worker. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2010, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/124 "2010-04-13T00:45:38Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > You are, of course, right. I’ll just stop responding to him because he’s clearly not interested in a discussion or helping the OP in any meaningful manner. I’m the only one who IS trying to help the OP. the rest of you are just wallowing in a bunch of sanctiminious, PC indignation and talking out of your asses. If she’s in the house with a batterer, she needs to get out first before any of the other stuff matters. If she goes to a shelter, they will take her. They aren’t going to ask her about her sex kinks, and the sex kink people don’t have their own shelters. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2010, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446/125 "2010-04-14T22:29:52Z")
I’d recommend the OP (and ideally his/her friend) check out this week’s [Savage Love podcast](http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=3846909). The second caller is into BDSM and tried it with a boyfriend who’s got rage issues, turning it into pretty much an excuse for him to abuse her then get mad when she complains about getting hurt. Worth a listen. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-problems-and-alternate-lifestyles/535446.md?page=6)