# Domestic violence **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 10, 2013, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557 "2013-03-10T17:25:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/21 "2013-03-11T19:03:17Z")
> [@blindboyard](#): > > There’s no reason to believe anything was thrown. In my experience arguments have two constants: raised voices and slammed doors. Heavy handed treatment of furniture is also commonplace. > > As for the OP, he heard some perfectly normal marital discord and thought it was his right to bang on someone’s door and demand that he leave his own home for parts unknown for the foreseeable future, and threatened to call the cops unless that demand was met. The OP is entirely in the wrong. Then the neighbour came around to shout at him and knocked on his door, and he called the police again. Serious crime to report! Someone’s knocking on my door! The OP was wrong in every single decision he made and action he took, as far as I’m concerned. A curtain-twitching busy-body. So, do you still beat your wife? ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/22 "2013-03-11T19:04:24Z")
Never mind. Pointless. ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/23 "2013-03-11T19:14:03Z")
> [@blindboyard](#): > > As for the OP, he heard some perfectly normal marital discord and thought it was his right to bang on someone’s door and demand that he leave his own home for parts unknown for the foreseeable future, and threatened to call the cops unless that demand was met. The OP is entirely in the wrong. Then the neighbour came around to shout at him and knocked on his door, and he called the police again. Serious crime to report! Someone’s knocking on my door! The OP was wrong in every single decision he made and action he took, as far as I’m concerned. A curtain-twitching busy-body. How’s that restraining order working out for you? ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/24 "2013-03-11T19:23:55Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > One day a lifetime ago someone like you saved my life. > > My husband had never been violent until that day but I realized later he had been slowly separating me from my friends and isolating me with him. Thanks to the slow response of the Canadian Armed Forces to our request to be posted together after our marriage we were living in different cities and I had a roommate. She was “only” a reservist so he didn’t think that she would have an impact on my life. > > She was a great girl but definitely in the party time of her life and there were often people in and out of the apartment. My ex arrived at our apartment to “surprise” me and discovered Liz in the living room with two guys who lived on the main floor. He lost his everloving mind. > > I came out of the bedroom where I’d been reading and told Liz and her friends to go downstairs that of course I would be okay. > > 20 mins later the neighbor I’d never met was standing outside our locked door banging and yelling that the police were on the way as my ex tried to beat me to death with the phone he’d ripped out of the wall as I tried to crawl to the door. > > The neighbor wasn’t a large man but he stayed in that hallway until my ex left and then he stayed with me until the ambulance arrived. > > Kicker 1 was when “our friends” visited me in the hospital to tell me how horrible I was being by ruining his life that way. > Kicker 2 was the crown attorney who suspended the charges because “The country has invested so much in his security clearance” > > The awesomeness was that I wasn’t far enough under his spell to even consider staying. Other than in court I never saw him again. I held my breath through most of your post. I’m glad you made it out ok. As for the OP, you meant well, but it’s true that you should have called the police right away, not go over yourself to try to deal with it. It could have been dangerous for you, even police are really wary of domestic disputes. Just a few days ago, a policeman was killed in Kuujjuaq when attempting to quell a domestic dispute. Plus, reporting it afterwards isn’t effective. ---
**Author:** ![Iggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iggy/32/3364_2.png) [@Iggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iggy)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/25 "2013-03-11T19:38:29Z")
Domestic disturbance calls are one of the most volatile types of calls a 9-1-1 operator can answer. AS a result I am likely to keep the caller on the line until I can confirm the police have arrived. If nothing else this allows any background sounds to be recorded as a part of the call. This often means these calls are comparatively long and the critical questions are asked and answered early on. If the caller is the victim I discuss crisis support options and places they can seek help. For a time I started asking if this was the first time their partner had become violent. Many insisted it was the first time even though I could see significant prior history from that address. While I know that victims often return to an abusive situation the truth was brought home by one statistic from our crisis center. The average number of times a victim leaves and returns to an abuser is six times before finally leaving for good. So keep calling. And keep offering support. Find out what resources are available in your community and encourage her to seek the help that is available. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/26 "2013-03-11T19:39:30Z")
Good work, **AClockworkMelon**. You did the right thing. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/27 "2013-03-11T19:49:21Z")
> [@MoodIndigo1](#): > > I held my breath through most of your post. I’m glad you made it out ok. Me too, on both sentences. It boggles my mind that stuf like this happens at all. Why do people behave this way? ---
**Author:** ![Laggard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de053/32.png) [@Laggard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laggard)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/28 "2013-03-11T19:55:48Z")
And this is not perfectly normal marital dischord. Can’t imagine what kind of upbringing one would have had to believe that. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/29 "2013-03-11T20:05:40Z")
My internet crush continues, unabated! Seriously, ACM, good on you! But next time just call the cops. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/30 "2013-03-11T20:32:34Z")
> [@MoodIndigo1](#): > > As for the OP, you meant well, but it’s true that you should have called the police right away, not go over yourself to try to deal with it. > [@llcoolbj77](#): > > But next time just call the cops. In the future I will. I’ve never really been in that kind of situation before and I just went on autopilot when I started hearing things crashing around. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/31 "2013-03-11T20:33:57Z")
Echoing all the posts that suggest starting with the police but applauding you for wanting to stop whatever was going on. ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/32 "2013-03-11T20:34:38Z")
> [@Laggard](#): > > And this is not perfectly normal marital dischord. Can’t imagine what kind of upbringing one would have had to believe that. I second this. My parents had disagreements but never yelling, and certainly no throwing of anything. I have been with my husband for about 10 years and married for four, and we have never had that kind of “marital dischord”. And good job OP. The world needs more people who care. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/33 "2013-03-11T20:46:29Z")
I’ll add my voice to the people saying you done good, but call the police and let them handle it next time. They are trained and prepared to handle domestic violence situations; we are not. They also don’t have to live beside the abusers. ---
**Author:** ![Bouncer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9d8465/32.png) [@Bouncer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bouncer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/34 "2013-03-11T21:01:56Z")
> [@hrhomer](#): > > So you’re a guy who beats up abusers and helps their victims move in the middle of the night, in your Rolls? What’s it like partying with P. Diddy and fucking mad bitches back at the 4 Seasons, while bathing in Cristal? Fun? Don’t be ridiculous. His name is Travis McGee! His rolls is called (as I recall), Miss Agnes. Regards, -Bouncer- PS: I’m fascinated how one ends up using a Rolls to move someone out. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/35 "2013-03-11T21:16:58Z")
> [@blindboyard](#): > > \ The OP is entirely in the wrong.\ You will not find a bigger activist for MYOB than me. It’s my life motto. But if you have ever heard a woman getting beaten, you know the sound is unmistakable. In a regular lovers tiff, the woman gives as good as she gets… With an actual case of a man beating a woman, the sound effects are quite different and it’s enough to make your stomach lurch. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/36 "2013-03-11T21:26:24Z")
I don’t know what a woman getting beaten sounds like (if movies have taught me anything, it probably sounds like [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oR8ZCmQpI)), but I do know that whatever it was I was hearing was ten times more intense than the shouting I hear every other day from their apartment that it’s never crossed my mind to call the police over. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/37 "2013-03-11T23:38:33Z")
I just realized that while typing that out I completely lost the point I was trying to make which was Thank you! **AClockworkMelon**. Definitely call the police first and be careful of your own safety but thank you for making the effort. It’s hard to understand why women stay and when people hear that I didn’t they expect me to be dismissive of those who do. What they don’t see is how hard it was. How easy it would have been to slip back into our social life of all his friends and once I got rid of my careless roommate there would be no reason for him to be angry right? Eventually every woman in that situation either leaves, becomes so beaten down the abuser leaves them, they die or their timidness requires less abuse and they fall into a steady state that both can sustain. Not a lot of pretty options but without people who care the number of women who manage the first category would be a lot lower. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/38 "2013-03-12T02:24:27Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I don’t know what a woman getting beaten sounds like (if movies have taught me anything, it probably sounds like [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42oR8ZCmQpI)), … Nope. You are trying to set me up. I’m not about to start laughing and have my feminist card burned by feminists who already have me on probation. Nice try, kid. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/39 "2013-03-12T03:31:58Z")
Ya done good, **Clockwork** , and I’m just joining in the chorus to leave it to police if there’s a next time, no warning to the couple so the cops can hear for themselves what’s going on. I’ve had to do this myself. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/40 "2013-03-12T04:47:27Z")
Good on you, **AClockworkMelon**. Even if nothing came of it this time, at least she knows someone was willing to step up for her. **blindboyard** , you sound like you have a guilty conscience. Want to confess something? It’s okay, you’re among friends. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557.md?page=3)