# Domestic violence **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 10, 2013, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557 "2013-03-10T17:25:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/41 "2013-05-12T21:57:57Z")
It’s official. Night before last while I was out he apparently beat the fuck out of her. He ran off afterwards and neighbors called the cops. From what I was told the cops, tired of being called out, urged her to do something and so she called her sister who was apparently happy she finally did and came to get her and the kids. The cops told her to get an order of protection which, because the apartment is in her name and not his, would automatically get him forced out. I kind of doubt she’ll actually go through with that, but we’ll see. Her sister and who I think is her sister’s husband are next door collecting some of her stuff right now. The fuck’s car was in the back this morning but other than that he hasn’t been around. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2013, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/42 "2013-05-12T23:34:44Z")
Now you know that your instincts were correct that something wasn’t right. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for the woman, though unfortunately it won’t surprise me if the guy is back in the apartment soon. You are definitely very lucky that the crazy asshole didn’t turn on you. A few years ago there was an incident where [a Chicago area musician intervened when a guy was beating his wife in public and the wifebeater ended up nearly killing the good Samaritan](http://www.altpress.com/features/entry/exclusive_madina_lake_bassist_matthew_leones_first_interview_following). I give you a lot of credit for being brave enough to get involved when you knew something wasn’t right, even though I definitely agree with those saying to let the police handle people like this if this happens again. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2013, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/43 "2013-05-14T01:27:41Z")
Shit, that sucks. I don’t think anyone is surprised, though. I sure hope she manages to make a clean break from him and get on with a better life (I hope he gets help, too - if he’s not a monster, he has to be feeling terrible guilt over doing such awful things). ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/44 "2013-05-14T01:51:50Z")
Thanks for updating us. I’m sad she got hurt so badly, but maybe it’s finally enough that she will stay with her sister and get the help she needs so much. Hope it’s a bit quieter for you and the neighbors now, too. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/45 "2013-05-15T18:39:10Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > … if he’s not a monster, he has to be feeling terrible guilt over doing such awful things). Many guys who beat their wives or girl friends feel guilty afterwards, at least after the first few occurrences. There ensues a honeymoon-like period with tears, apologies, flowers, whatever. Slowly, event by event, the situation becomes “normal”, expected, and no regret is expressed. I say after the first few occurrences, because they do occur again, once the taboo is broken. Sometimes, though rarely, the relationship can be fixed, but not without counseling, and the only case I’ve ever heard of was that of a woman who was herself a counselor in a woman’s shelter. Years before, she had left her husband the second time he hit her. The first time, she had told him if he did that again, she’d leave, and she followed through. After over a year of counseling for her husband, living apart from him during this time, they were reunited. She was of the opinion that a long period of separation was essential for this to work. When I knew her, over 10 years after that separation, they had a good marriage and he had never hit her again. To the OP, I’m glad you were paying attention to your neighbour’s distress. Before she returns to that apartment, I hope she changes the locks and takes special precautions on the day he returns for his stuff, if he hasn’t already done so. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2013, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/46 "2013-05-15T18:53:35Z")
I’ve seen it work twice. Both included your suggestion of a long and complete separation during the “change” period. The second differentiator in both the cases I saw was that neither man had ever blamed the woman or outside circumstances for the violence. They had both taken complete and unequivocal responsibility for their actions. Absent that, I see no hope. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2013, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/47 "2013-05-16T01:29:29Z")
He returned the next night and has been there since. Haven’t seen her or her kids around. I’d hoped that he would be the one to leave but I guess I’m stuck with him for a neighbor. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/48 "2013-05-17T22:26:58Z")
And now I’m pretty sure they’re back in there with him. If so, nothing’s changed. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/49 "2013-05-17T22:49:57Z")
You know, I’d be tempted to move out, knowing what is going on next door and what is likely to happen (continuing violence, cops called repeatedly, and, God forbid, deaths). There isn’t much you can do to stop it, but you don’t have to live next door to it. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/50 "2013-05-17T22:52:24Z")
:sigh: She’s in the greatest danger of ever now. Please don’t stop calling the police . It’s tempting at this point to conclude that she has decided this is what she wants. The truth is she feels either that he really will stop, or that she has no other real option. While I pray you’ll keep involving the authorities, I also advise you from now on don’t go over there either. The most likely path from here is downhill toward ICU or the morgue. It’s a crying shame. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/51 "2013-05-18T03:51:06Z")
Damn, this is my last time opening this thread. I am getting an eerie feeling it may have bad news one day. Shit, Melon might keep this thing going for years like the pigeon eggs, and then one day just tell us something horrific. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/52 "2013-05-18T06:39:06Z")
This is the first genuinely scary thread I think I’ve read in a while ☹ I don’t think I’ll be opening it again either, **Nzinga**. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/53 "2013-05-18T19:09:14Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Please don’t stop calling the police. I won’t. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/54 "2013-05-20T03:01:11Z")
Just did again. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/55 "2013-05-20T03:09:05Z")
And I just heard someone call “fire department.” I hope they didn’t fucking misunderstand me when I called. I thought I was pretty clear. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/56 "2013-05-20T03:49:40Z")
Cops and manager just left. The guy is gone. He had been pointing a loaded gun at hers and the kids’ faces. Learned that he’s a felon. Manager’s going to be evicting him, good luck with that. I’m going to my girlfriend’s. ---
**Author:** ![artemis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/91b2a8/32.png) [@artemis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/artemis)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/57 "2013-05-20T04:26:52Z")
Might be a good idea if you go stay with your girlfriend for at least a few days, **Melon**. This asshole is dangerous, and he may have a grudge against you at this point. Be safe! ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/58 "2013-05-20T05:54:58Z")
I’m there now. Apparently the manager had told the woman that the guy was no longer allowed to stay with her (he’s not on the lease) the last time the cops were called and she said OK. He’s been there the entire time but the woman was telling the manager that he’d left to Michigan while hiding him there the entire time. I don’t know if he was forcing her to say that or what but it’s just an incredibly fucked up situation. Now she’s being evicted which, to be honest, might be the best thing for her if it forces her to stay with her sister. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/59 "2013-05-20T07:22:33Z")
The poor kids ☹ ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557/60 "2013-05-20T08:50:54Z")
**Melon** uproots felon! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/domestic-violence/652557.md?page=4)