# “Don’t swallow your teeth”: the sin of defining others by what they do for you **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 24, 2025, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/don-t-swallow-your-teeth-the-sin-of-defining-others-by-what-they-do-for-you/1024237 "2025-10-24T00:33:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2025, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/don-t-swallow-your-teeth-the-sin-of-defining-others-by-what-they-do-for-you/1024237/21 "2025-10-24T22:16:38Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Boy, I would love it if when I died people talked about the ways I’d touched their life. Same. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2025, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/don-t-swallow-your-teeth-the-sin-of-defining-others-by-what-they-do-for-you/1024237/22 "2025-10-24T23:00:34Z")
I think the author of the piece is wrong. I think we all mourn in our own way. My brother died a couple of years ago and the only thing I really said was Thank you to his wife for making him so happy and nursing him through a long illness. I think my brother would have approved. I said things to him in private and that’s good enough for me. I don’t even want a funeral, much less any eulogies. Get rid of this body the cheapest way possible and that’ll be that. Thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2025, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/don-t-swallow-your-teeth-the-sin-of-defining-others-by-what-they-do-for-you/1024237/23 "2025-10-24T23:00:57Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats2](#): > > This writer that accuses mourners of self-centeredness is a self-indulgent moron.to the nth degree. > > Look, Tumblr Poster. You didn’t even know the person that you’re spewing this faux-heartbreak on. Don’t assume facts not in evidence. You’re only casting projections of your own baggage onto people who don’t need your ridiculous accusations at this sad time. That’s the vibe I’m getting. I’m not saying the sentiments are completely meaningless or stupid in and of themselves - it’s generally good to make sure you’re not taken advantage of or speaking up when you need help. There’s just something about the judginess of it and the lecturing tone that gives me bad feelings. Some people are just shit-stirrers, and if I had to place my bets… ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2025, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/don-t-swallow-your-teeth-the-sin-of-defining-others-by-what-they-do-for-you/1024237/24 "2025-10-26T08:39:07Z")
I of course know things about my mom that didn’t show up at her funeral. I also learned things about her at the funeral, because she helped a lot of people I didn’t know about. And, well, her hopes and dreams were all about doing things and helping people. After she stopped doing family work, she was a baby sitter, then a nursery worker, then a preschool teacher, then worked with kids with special needs. She could easily chat with absolutely anyone (having learned that from her father). She wasn’t someone who desired to be front and center. I could see someone like the OP hearing the things said at her funeral and think the same thing. It’s rather presumptive. Sorry we didn’t talk about, say, her taste in erotic novels. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/don-t-swallow-your-teeth-the-sin-of-defining-others-by-what-they-do-for-you/1024237.md?page=1)