# Done with my sons **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2019, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609 "2019-12-30T18:26:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11

**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/201 "2020-02-04T18:36:41Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > Does anyone think it’s a great idea to smoke pot while minding a toddler? What if you have to drive the child to the ER? When my daughter was in the first grade, she was on the playground at lunchtime. A group of young adults walked by, apparently smoking cannabis. My daughter’s friend excitedly said to my daughter, “hey, smell that? It’s drugs”. My daughter told her she was wrong, because “that’s what my dad smells like”.🙂 I heard that story when my daughter was in high-school. She is now 30, a nurse, rarely drinks and never uses drugs, but she tells me she still feels warm and fuzzy when she smells cannabis burning. When she and her fiance (an MD) were in Colorado recently she took a selfie in front of a dispensary and sent it to me. She didn’t go inside because her fiance was too nervous. As far as going to the ER is concerned, are you suggesting someone with a toddler should never drink, take cold medication, enjoy a hot shower, etc? Should a parent keep the car idling, ready to drive to the ER at a moments notice? ---

**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/202 "2020-02-04T18:47:20Z")

Ok, kayaker. No, not ok, kayaker. I don’t think it’s a great lifetime for them if my sons spend most of their lives stoned. Honestly, the weed worship. �� You’ll never convince the potheads that it isn’t manna from heaven. And you will never accept legitimate scientific studies that are contrary to your anecdotal evidence. ---

**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/203 "2020-02-04T18:54:45Z")

> [@kayaker](#): > > …So yes, I can easily spend a grand on weed over the course of ten months, _but I’m obviously stoned much of the time_. Tell us something we DIDN’T know! 😉 ---

**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/204 "2020-02-04T19:13:11Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > And you will never accept legitimate scientific studies that are contrary to your anecdotal evidence. No, I accept what has been published. I know smoking isn’t good for my lungs. I know I have to constantly motivate myself to do things. _But, damn, I’m so happy._🙂 ---

**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/205 "2020-02-04T19:28:52Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > Ok, kovitlac. You say “he still uses.” > This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away. > It’s not being petty. I don’t think doing drugs at any stage of the game is productive. > In their 20’s, I would still think it’s a bad idea to do drugs. Instead focus on career, or relationships, or having families of their own later on. Does anyone think it’s a great idea to smoke pot while minding a toddler? What if you have to drive the child to the ER? > > And grades are completely different. > We’ve been thru that and frankly, shitty grades don’t concern me as much as something that could damage you health-wise and kill your spirit. I \*think \*he does? I don’t know for sure because it’s honestly never an issue. I know he supports it being legalized. I don’t know 100% if he still uses, because once again, it’s never an issue. The point is that it isn’t effecting his life in any grand way. He finished college. He has a job he loves and is very good at. He’s in a successful relationship. Now sure how weed ‘kills your spirit’ any more than alcohol or caffeine does, but okay. Please point out where anyone here said that it was a good decision to drive a car or watch a toddler while high. I certainly never did. Nor would I suggest doing either of those things while drinking. And yet, I’m pretty sure I’m able to hold down a successful job and relationship while having the odd drink here and there. I’m glad you’re going to counseling with your kids, but after this I wouldn’t be even remotely surprised if they never go to you for questions or concerns, again. ---

**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/206 "2020-02-04T19:43:22Z")

> [@Kovitlac](#): > > … > Now sure how weed ‘kills your spirit’ any more than alcohol or caffeine does, but okay. > … I’m sure there are a bunch of wasted worthless potheads. But my anecdata doesn’t reveal them. I smoked my most in college and law school. After school, the folk I smoked the most with were either friends from then, or friends of such friends. I honestly can’t think of a single person who became a loser pothead - other than one guy who was a major dealer (and gambler) who ran afoul of some bad people. To the contrary, the pot smokers I’ve known have been EXTREMELY successful and ostensibly happy lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc. Of course, a lot of that is undoubtedly due to socioeconomic selection. If the folk I smoked w/ in my teens and 20s had been HS dropouts from broken homes … And I suspect many loser stoners might also have personality traits or factors other than pot alone that contribute to their lack of “success.” ---

**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/207 "2020-02-04T20:12:26Z")

Wow, judging from many of the comments, this topic has struck a nerve! I’m in favor of legalization for a variety of reasons, but anyone arguing that cannabis is a safe drug is sadly out of date in their thinking. That is, it really WAS safer back in the 80s and before, when THC concentration was \< 2%. But THC levels have skyrocketed since then, [to about 17% by 2017 (and up to 90% in hash oil](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/05/15/723656629/highly-potent-weed-has-swept-the-market-raising-concerns-about-health-risks)). Low levels of THC actually do relax users. High levels can cause panic attacks, full-blown (temporary) psychosis) or something called cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome: uncontrollable vomiting. There’s zero doubt that using marijuana, particularly long-term, is[bad for teens](https://www.healthline.com/health-news/cannabis-may-be-worse-than-alcohol-for-teens#What-did-the-study-find?), impairing memory and executive functioning. “Earlier use that persists throughout adolescence is associated with greater burden on teens’ ability to process new information and to ‘stop and think’ in the face of complex stimuli,” said one researcher. Of course a teen who uses cannabis rarely isn’t going to end up a craven addict. That’s silly. But that’s not what the OP is describing. I agree that the OP seems angry and bitter. I suspect that comes from the condemnatory responses here and the painful process of discovering that cannabis use, like alcohol use, unprotected sex, or risky driving, is not a matter of good parenting alone, and that there’s no sure-fire way to get kids to stop. I hope, OP, you’ll continue therapy to get past that anger and its corrosive effects on you and your relationship with your kids. However, your general concern about the safety of your teens using cannabis, while somewhat exaggerated, is not misplaced. ---

**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/208 "2020-02-04T20:29:09Z")

Thank you, nellybly. ---

**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/209 "2020-02-04T20:40:00Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > Counseling provided me with the directive that a parent can advise, not control. And that despite my advice, the world encouraged their experimentation. > She advised me to prepare to disengage as older son goes to college. He will have to suffer natural consequences of his actions, whether it be legal, health wise, or education wise. > My husband’s family has addiction issues so she feels it was right to get them into counseling. Well, that sounds like good advice. Your kids are too old for you to control them. Good for you to get used to that idea. Be aware that the natural consequences of using pot might be nothing. Or might be less damaging than the consequences of a parent who doesn’t cede authority to their young-adult child. Yeah, they might be bad. But don’t hold your breath for your sons to come racing back to you saying, “thank you for showing me this was bad.” ---

**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/210 "2020-02-04T20:54:58Z")

Do people who use drugs in high school do the same as adults? I polled my college class about their drug use in college and recently. (It was a poll for the reunion.) People in my class self-report that they used drugs a LOT more in college than as adults. Not high school data, I suppose… Anecdote time: My husband’s brother and sister were fairly heavy drug users in their youth, especially the brother. They are both clean now. The brother used stuff a lot worse than pot, and yes, it interfered with his life in a significant way. But I remember when he went clean he complained that he’d never realized how incredibly boring his job as the produce manager at a grocery store was until he started to do it sober. One of my best friends in high school used to drink and smoke pot, although not to great excess. She decided both were interfering with her life. She stopped smoking pot around age 30, and stopped drinking around age 40. I drank from time to time as a teen, and I still drink from time to time. So I’m a counter-example. My drinking has never caused me problems, though. ---

**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/211 "2020-02-04T21:17:23Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away. [. . .] shitty grades don’t concern me as much as something that could damage you health-wise and kill your spirit. Having your mother write you off entirely as irredeemably worthless while you’re still a child strikes me as a whole lot more likely to damage you health-wise and kill your spirit than smoking a little pot. Or even a lot of pot. ---

**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/212 "2020-02-04T21:43:44Z")

To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. We’ve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. I’ve watched their soccer tournaments. It’s not like I’m shunning them. I’ve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship. ---

**Author:** ![Chingon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chingon/32/17645_2.png) [@Chingon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chingon)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/213 "2020-02-04T21:56:17Z")

I mean you clearly resent them. ---

**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/214 "2020-02-04T22:01:34Z")

Yes, we can all see it from here. I can only imagine how obvious it must be to them. ---

**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/215 "2020-02-04T22:22:03Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > It’s not like I’m shunning them. I’ve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship. That’s a pretty sad outcome of this whole affair. I wish you all well. ---

**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/216 "2020-02-04T22:43:52Z")

**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/217 "2020-02-04T22:51:16Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > To let you know, I speak with my boys, I cook for them. We’ve been out to dinners and movies and grocery stores. I’ve watched their soccer tournaments. It’s not like I’m shunning them. I’ve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship. This is so incredibly sad and at the same time infuriating I don’t even know where to begin. Because two teenagers made a mistake, their own mother has decided they will never amount to anything. You cook for them and go to their soccer games? Big honking deal. That is NOT what they need from you at this point in their lives. They need to know that they are loved, they need to know that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as they pick themselves up afterward, and they need to know they have your support and can come to you. Right now, it is blindingly obvious they have lost all of that. Why have you decided that you cannot expect them to have a good life? Something like 118 million Americans have used pot in their lifetime; I never have, but I don’t leap to the conclusion that over half of American adults can never be productive and happy, so what leads you to leap to that conclusion (against all of the evidence, I might add)? ---

**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/218 "2020-02-04T22:56:47Z")

I’ve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously). I’m extremely anti-drug. And they know this. They can continue to do drugs. I’m just not interested in having it around me. We are all entitled to our lives and opinions. At 25, they can get high every day. But it won’t be around me. ---

**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/219 "2020-02-04T23:00:19Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > …He said he was doing it once every two weeks but that’s not accurate. He had approx $1000 from a part time job and he only had $80 left. Over 10 months, that’s a lot of smoking. Binging as you say… > No. Just weed. Maybe food on occasion. Let’s break this down. Son had “approx.” $1000 and he only had $80 left, so he spent ‘about $920’. This is over 10 months, so he spent ‘about’ $92/month. Of that spending, some was spent on ‘maybe food on occasion’. A Big Mac meal is about $6. Would it be fair to assume he might have bought 2 of those per month? That would be $120 over those 10 months. Meaning son spent ‘about’ $800 on weed over 10 months. $80/month. Now, back when I bought it surreptitiously, we could get an eighth of an ounce for $50 (if it was good kind bund), which is still about right even where it’s legal. So, (and assuming mom really knows, and that her kid never went to the movies, or an arcade, or ate at someplace nicer than fast food) this kid was buying an eighth about every three weeks or so. Now, if I binged on weed, I could go through an eighth in 3 or 4 days; a normal “every night after work” smoker maybe two weeks. But a person who only smoked infrequently (and definitely not daily) might make it last longer. Not evidence of ‘binging’, in my opinion. > [@Dinsdale](#): > > From high school through college and into young adulthood, there were few people who smoked/drank more than me. I haven’t drunk in 30+ years, smoked in 10+… > [@Dead Cat](#): > > I’ll add anecdata that I first got high on pot at around 15/16 (I think), not really on a regular basis but would sometimes go out of my way to seek out situations where this was a good possibility. Continued to use it occasionally at university, hardly touched it since and not at all for about 10 years now. > [@Declanium](#): > > Ok, kovitlac. You say “he still uses.” > This fortified my belief that this behavior never goes away. OP, your perspective is blinded by your prejudice. ---

**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/220 "2020-02-04T23:03:52Z")

> [@Declanium](#): > > …It’s not like I’m shunning them. I’ve just adjusted my expectations for their futures. And our future relationship. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that countless actions as kids mature cause a parent to adjust their expectations for their futures and your future relationship w/ them. But the way you describe things, your response to this particular provocation, seems pretty extreme. (Says someone who has been charged w/ extreme parenting overreactions in the past.) The family dynamic you describe sounds pretty damned depressing. OK - they fucked up. And you should reasonably be (some amount of) pissed off at them. But YOU are supposed to be the adult in this relationship. Oughtn’t you do your best to create the possibility for them to “atone” for and learn from their errors? And even tho you “adjust” your expectations, I’d imagine there were countless possible “adjustments” other than the one you seem to have assumed. But they are your kids. Like any parents, you have wide latitude to fuck them and your relationship w/ them up however you want. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609.md?page=12)