# Done with my sons **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2019, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609 "2019-12-30T18:26:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 12
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/221 "2020-02-04T23:15:19Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’ve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously). You don’t drink coffee? Never take aspirin? I’m not doubting you; I just want to make sure that we are on the same page about your lifetime of sobriety. > [@](#): > > I’m extremely anti-drug. And they know this. Why? I wonder if you can break it down. Is it the fact that it tends to cause people to act silly or wild? Is it your fear that it leads to crime and homelessness? Is it the prospect of getting arrested? Again, I don’t doubt you (and I’m not criticizing you), but I am curious if you can explain your reasoning. > [@](#): > > They can continue to do drugs. Somehow I doubt that you are just going to sit idly by. > [@](#): > > I’m just not interested in having it around me. We are all entitled to our lives and opinions. > At 25, they can get high every day. But it won’t be around me. As others have noted, you seem full of resentment. These statements amount to, “I’ll disown them if they smoke pot every day at 25”. Would you feel the same if your son cracked open a beer every night after work? Or had a nightcap before bed? What if your kid got really into wine and got visibly excited about breaking out a vintage bottle before a special celebration? Is it just the ‘weed’ thing that bothers you, or is all forms of intoxication that people indulge in? ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/222 "2020-02-04T23:15:19Z")
**Declanium** , I smoked pot throughout high school. I quit smoking pot just about the very day I moved out of my mother’s house. Haven’t smoked in 40+ years, except for once joining in with my 20-something daughters to see if it was the still the same (they rarely smoke, but also do not drink.) I was on the honor roll all throughout high school and did well in college. I smoked out of boredom at school, and rebellion from having a bad home life and relationship with my psycho mother. Later in her life she was able to mellow out and we had a better relationship. But if I had ever ONCE sensed that my mother felt the way about me that you say you feel about your sons, I would have left and never come back. You need to stop making this all about you. “Disengaging” doesn’t mean to cut them off, it means to stop investing all your emotions and self-worth on their behavior. It means to disengage your preconceived hotbuttons and try being a little more down-to-earth. ---
**Author:** ![slash2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@slash2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slash2k)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2020, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/223 "2020-02-04T23:21:09Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’ve managed to make it to over 50 years of age without drugs in my immediate circle (until now obviously). Obviously I don’t know your inner circle, but based on your apparent naiveté about drugs, have you considered the possibility, even likelihood, that some of the folks in your circle have been drug users that you just didn’t know about? Those 118 million people are not all strangers in far-off places; you certainly know some of them, and you probably know some of them fairly well (albeit not as well as you think). I certainly don’t expect you to tolerate drug use around you: your house, your rules. The part I have a problem with is they showed themselves to be imperfect, so you don’t love them or respect them anymore. You’ll cook and clean and go to their games, but you’ve written them off as worthless and you don’t want or expect to have a close relationship with them anymore, even if they give up the drugs. ---
**Author:** ![JackieLikesVariety](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackielikesvariety/32/296_2.png) [@JackieLikesVariety](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackieLikesVariety)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/224 "2020-02-05T01:49:45Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > Having your mother write you off entirely as irredeemably worthless while you’re still a child strikes me as a whole lot more likely to damage you health-wise and kill your spirit than smoking a little pot. > > Or even a lot of pot. well said, thorny locust. I feel sorry for those boys, I really do. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/225 "2020-02-05T02:04:42Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > The fact that your sons reacted the way they did and were able to talk to you in a calm manner (I’m assuming) and seem to be showing care for your feelings tells me you’re doing a perfectly fine job as a mother. Seriously, it sounds like you have great kids. I really hope to God this whole thread isn’t for real, but if it really is, I can’t help but feel a bit sad for everyone in this situation, particularly them. Because I hope to God to have my kids act like them in reaction to me being upset with them like yours have. ---
**Author:** ![GreenWyvern](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greenwyvern/32/2834_2.png) [@GreenWyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenWyvern)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2020, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/226 "2020-02-05T06:31:46Z")
I’m sure the boys have learned an important lesson from this. And the lesson is… never trust mom, never confide in her, never let her find out about anything again. Only tell her what she wants to hear. Otherwise you can expect a crazy and unhelpful over-reaction, and you’ll never hear the end of it. Life is so much easier if you never let her find out about anything that will set her off. Declanium thinks she is ‘done with my sons’, but the real outcome of this will be that her sons are are done with her. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/227 "2020-02-06T04:54:37Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Yeah, I did. > But I’m > Not clear what I’ve done to them? > They smoked pot in my house. My husband found a picture that my younger son downloaded on his iPhone. A picture of a joint. He told me it was there because he thought it looked cool. This is what I’m dealing with. So forgive me with wondering what I’ve done to them You’re being emotionally abusive to your children. How is that not abundantly clear? ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/228 "2020-02-06T04:55:27Z")
Is Kahlil Gibran’s _The Prophet_ still popular? And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/229 "2020-02-06T04:59:51Z")
And just so we’re clear, no one is suggestion you shouldn’t punish your children for breaking house rules. Ground them, take their phones away… do what you got to do. But for fuck’s sake, don’t be emotionally abusive. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/230 "2020-02-06T05:38:13Z")
Yeah, this thread is bullshit. No one as uninformed and naive as you pretend to be would use the phrase “high THC carts.” ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/231 "2020-02-06T06:47:25Z")
OP, would you please explain what you mean when you ask what you’ve done to them? Do you mean, what have you done to them that led them to use cannabis? If so, you didn’t do anything. The teen brain is still under construction, most notably the pre-frontal area of the frontal lobe, which governs executive function. That means teens are apt to make foolish, short-sighted decisions. Even worse, they usually have a sense of invulnerability, especially boys. They also start questioning what they’ve been taught. It’s not reflective of parenting; it’s how they’re wired at the time. It’s necessary to growing up. I think you can get a lot out of continued therapy, but if the therapist hasn’t specialized in drug abuse, find one who does and pay one visit to him/her, too–NOT because your boys are or will be addicts, but because you need to find out the real deal on cannabis and other drugs and teens from an expert instead of the internet. Talking _directly_ with someone who’s treated teens can give you a _lot_ of insight. I hope you’ll consider making an appointment. Where is your husband on this now? He started off more unconcerned than you were. Is that still the case? I hope this conflict isn’t affecting your marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/232 "2020-02-06T11:39:28Z")
I’m seeing a therapist who specializes in substance abuse and she is concerned about my younger son who is hyper-focused on weed and not open to hearing about risks of using it at this age (15). So yeah, I’m not on my own in this belief that he is on a bad arc. Professional opinion believes it too. Husband is in denial. Believes therapist is over-reacting. ---
**Author:** ![GreenWyvern](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greenwyvern/32/2834_2.png) [@GreenWyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenWyvern)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/233 "2020-02-06T12:25:23Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > One of my nieces sitting with me now I guess that means your sons will also be reading this thread, and perhaps they already have. So nice for them to know how their mother feels about them, and how she is denouncing them to a bunch of strangers on the internet. And your husband is also ‘in denial’. You alone are are 100% right. I have a feeling this marriage is not going to last very long after your sons leave high school, and they will stick with their father. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/234 "2020-02-06T12:31:36Z")
Pay attention, Greenwyvern. And read the comments. The therapist is predicting my son will struggle with substance abuse so your little digs are not helpful in this thread. Going back to the nieces thing is not helpful. Clearly they know about the situation because yes, this is a big issue facing our family right now. Whether I choose to vent to a message board? We all cope or seek help differently. Honest, if one is feeling like a failure or depressed, let me assure you that your digs and some of the others’ “jokes” about brownies and Girl Scouts is not funny in the slightest. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/235 "2020-02-06T12:45:47Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’m seeing a therapist who specializes in substance abuse and she is concerned about my younger son who is hyper-focused on weed and not open to hearing about risks of using it at this age (15). So yeah, I’m not on my own in this belief that he is on a bad arc. Professional opinion believes it too. > Husband is in denial. Believes therapist is over-reacting. Wow, a person you’re paying money to is telling you there’s a problem and you should continue seeing them and paying them money? Shocker! You know, I’ve had counselors that I’ve been quite fond of, but if I asked them: “Should I still keep seeing you? Or am I all good now?”, I’d probably still be seeing them to this day. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/236 "2020-02-06T12:54:06Z")
Well, you don’t know; nor does she. But she’s met him so… Wish I could post in five years time to update but that’s not feasible. But a therapist telling me that there is an issue is guiding me in my decisions. A parent can control, not advise. And a teen growing into an adult has to suffer natural consequences in order to give up drugs. I don’t want to see the descent. Does any parent? It’s painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family. Over college. Over any potential to succeed and thrive in life. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/237 "2020-02-06T12:58:53Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Well, you don’t know; nor does she. But she’s met him so… > Wish I could post in five years time to update but that’s not feasible. But a therapist telling me that there is an issue is guiding me in my decisions. A parent can control, not advise. And a teen growing into an adult has to suffer natural consequences in order to give up drugs. I don’t want to see the descent. Does any parent? It’s painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family. Over college. Over any potential to succeed and thrive in life. Your concern is valid and reasonable (any parent would be concerned about drug use by their child, especially a teenage child), but by your posts, your actions are more likely to just make things worse – more likely that your son will continue to hide things from you, more likely that he will stop trusting you, more likely that he will grow apart from you and want to get away from you, etc. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/238 "2020-02-06T13:07:07Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > It’s painful to sit on sideline to watch your child choose a substance over family. Over college. Over any potential to succeed and thrive in life. False dichotomy. In my case as an example, I chose to use drugs _and_ to simultaneously have a good relationship with my family, excel in college, and thrive in life. Oh, and I’m as happy af. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/239 "2020-02-06T13:20:21Z")
Not false dichotomy in my case, kayaker. Kid continues with drugs. Not a good relationship with me. We all have different value systems. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/240 "2020-02-06T13:23:37Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > False dichotomy. > > In my case as an example, I chose to use drugs _and_ to simultaneously have a good relationship with my family, excel in college, and thrive in life. Oh, and I’m as happy af. Good point. When I found out my oldest son was smoking pot (he was 15 at the time), I sat down with him and basically told him: “Don’t be stupid with it. Don’t carry it around with you everywhere you go. Don’t smoke it in public places. And don’t blow off your homework or other responsibilities”. And he wound up doing good on his end. He held a part time job throughout his teens and kept his grades up. I don’t want to take credit for my son’s accomplishments, but I at least like to think providing him with a safe and loving environment help facilitate that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609.md?page=11) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609.md?page=13)