# Done with my sons **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2019, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609 "2019-12-30T18:26:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![GreenWyvern](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greenwyvern/32/2834_2.png) [@GreenWyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenWyvern)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/281 "2020-02-06T15:19:00Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Outdated study Greenwyvern. From 1994. Actually, that is only the first of 12 studies cited on that page. All the rest are far more recent. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/282 "2020-02-06T15:23:11Z")
You know, one of the worst parenting mistakes there is, is making everything about you. Your children are not handbags or a new pair of shoes to show off, or mini-yous to live vicariously through. Your job as a parent is to help them in any way you can because you love them. If that’s not why you became a parent and not how you see your roll perhaps you getting out of their life is for the best. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/283 "2020-02-06T15:26:55Z")
> [@Kiber](#): > > I hereby deny your brother exists. Go ahead - prove me wrong. > > 😉 Well damn, you got me there 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/284 "2020-02-06T15:28:49Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > One of my nieces sitting with me now - > “Sorry to disappoint the board but I have not tried drugs (drank beer in college) and my sister also has not tried drugs other than alcohol in college and grad school.” > [@Declanium](#): > > Check webMD and the American Lung Association. But what do they know? I did. What do YOU know? > **[What Is Lung Cancer?](https://www.webmd.com/lung-cancer/understanding-lung-cancer-basics)** > > Did you know that there are different types of lung cancer, and smoking is not the only cause? Get the facts from WebMD. ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/285 "2020-02-06T15:32:49Z")
2006 study. Go for more recent studies. American Lung Association ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/286 "2020-02-06T15:33:11Z")
Just a good thing your sons aren’t gay, amirite? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/287 "2020-02-06T15:37:40Z")
Gimme a break. No problem with being gay. Would easily prefer son being gay to being on drugs. We have gay family members. Never was an issue ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/288 "2020-02-06T15:43:47Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > 2006 study. > Go for more recent studies. > American Lung Association Yeah, they’re against it. Bad things happen to lungs of pot smokers. But it’s possible they happen to everyone. They haven’t determined if those bad things happen to non pot-smokers. > **[Marijuana and Lung Health](https://www.lung.org/quit-smoking/smoking-facts/health-effects/marijuana-and-lung-health)** > > The American Lung Association is concerned about the health impacts of marijuana use, especially on lung health. We caution the public against smoking marijuana because of the risk of damage to the lungs. The word CANCER doesn’t even appear in the damn article. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/289 "2020-02-06T15:44:00Z")
I think some people just want their kids to be perfect, and believe that if they do all the perfect things (like stay home from a promising career and bake cookies) that their kids will be perfect, and when they turn out not to be perfect, it’s a slap in the face, like all the things they sacrificed and all the things they laboured over were in vain. All their investment vanished. Those people put a lot of their self-worth into those children, they will have perfect clean shining family Christmas pictures up and they will care about those pictures almost more than the live, breathing individuals. If they can’t produce that face to the world, they are convinced that they have suffered a grievous injury. And the fact that those perfect little children have their own wills and can make their own decisions never seems to occur to those people. They want to control that picture, they want that family, and any deviation will drive them wild. Declanium, you’ve got to accept that your boys are human and you love them more than that picture. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/290 "2020-02-06T15:44:39Z")
Have you considered beating the shit out of them? Maybe find some local gang-bangers and tell them your sons are moving in on their turf. Really bring those “natural consequences” home to roost. ---
**Author:** ![Chingon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chingon/32/17645_2.png) [@Chingon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chingon)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/291 "2020-02-06T15:53:48Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Exactly. Exactly this. I quit my career to stay at home and gave them all I could. Reading books, crafts, all that. And I guess you nailed it. I feel betrayed. > Like they took my advice and said “screw you. Hope it hurts.” I know that really isn’t how it went, but… > They seem to be shocked at how I’m handling this. It led to a big blowout in my house that they were not expecting. > Maybe counseling is in order. > [@Can you tell? \[child's future by age 16\]](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/can-you-tell-childs-future-by-age-16/847344/20): > > Studies show that a very good indicator of a “successful life” is if the individual demonstrates self-control at an early age. This is in line with the marshmallow experiment above. Sadly, it’s not possible to really train a child to be more in control, so we’re left with our children’s genetic destiny. My DNA is very “in control,” while my husband is less so. I’ve got two sons and unfortunately they got my husband’s DNA. My therapist is preparing me to disengage as they will most likely be disappointing to me. Honestly, it would be best for all involved if she just severed all ties. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/292 "2020-02-06T16:10:12Z")
This whole thread is making me sad. I won’t go into details, but one of my kids put us through hell with drug and alcohol issues. While there were times that called for “though love,” there were many more times where we just had to be there and support her efforts at recovery. I certainly don’t take these problems lightly, (we almost lost her twice). Not once, however, did I think “well, she’s choosing addiction over her family” and cut her off. Instead, we stayed as close as we could. I went to AA meetings with her. She did three separate inpatient rehab stays. She had legal problems. Now, she’s sober, back in school, and pretty happy. We’re closer than ever, having been through it all together. She is very grateful for our support. What I’ve learned is that it’s usually not the drugs and alcohol. I bet for most people, if you are well adjusted and free from childhood trauma (or whatever issue might haunt you) drugs and alcohol can be enjoyed in moderation without serious consequences. If you’re “drinking for a reason,” however, the addiction can take over your life. Of all the substances out there, marijuana scares me the least. (My wife and I share about half a joint 4 to 6 times per year. We enjoy it.) ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/293 "2020-02-06T16:24:27Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > 2006 study. > Go for more recent studies. > American Lung Association Instead of telling us to go look stuff up- try posting the studies you are referring to. IOW: cite? I’m not denying that there are health issues associated with marijuana use. There are with alcohol, as well (sorry, nieces, you may find aunt “disengaging” now). The issue I have is that people have gone to the organizations you mentioned, brought back cites, and you just deny them. Just like you have denied the people who told you that they used to do drugs and it WASN’T a life long habit. Or the happy successful adults who do still smoke marijuana. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/294 "2020-02-06T16:27:13Z")
The OP’s response is so over the top for the incident that it is hard to believe. I get being disappointed or even feeling betrayed, but this is way out of proportion. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/295 "2020-02-06T16:32:16Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > The OP’s response is so over the top for the incident that it is hard to believe. I get being disappointed or even feeling betrayed, but this is way out of proportion. Unfortunately I believe it. Hell some parents have disowned their children for less. Not all parents are cut out for the job. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/296 "2020-02-06T16:37:03Z")
So if I may…my son is a very private person, so I don’t tend to share much about him. My son started smoking weed about that age. And it has been difficult. He went from a bright kid on the A honor roll to barely getting through high school. He also drank. I think he’s experimented with opiates and probably ADHD meds (in fact, I know he’s done the ADHD meds - “they didn’t do anything”) - however - thankfully - that didn’t get far. He’s 21 and still living at home - but things are starting to turn around. He still smokes week and drinks - both too much for my taste - but he holds a job and is actually passing classes at trade school after two tries. He’s started to talk to his parents in more than grunts (we MIGHT get to go to dinner with him tonight - its on the schedule, but things come up in a 21 year old’s life), and we see glimmers of his old self in his sense of humor. He’s started to acknowledge that his parents are “pretty cool.” I suspect a trip or two through rehab for the drinking is in his future - but he is far from ready for that - and I’m not a fan of rehab until you have the maturity for rehab (my sister is a recovering alcoholic). He did lose a few of his weed smoking middle school friends to meth or heroin - no one died that he was close to - but they dropped from existence in the way serious addicts often do. Rules did not work. No smoking in the house didn’t work. Being ok with it didn’t work (at least it didn’t reduce use). Unless we were willing to throw him out, which we weren’t (and still aren’t), the rules just got broken. Compromises have worked - I don’t like the smell of week, so don’t smoke it where I can smell it (its the basement). Driving while under the influence is dangerous - if you need to get somewhere, I will drive you. But just being there as his brain works it all out has worked - or has worked as well as anything we’ve been willing to try. There are three possibilities: 1. A drift into serious addiction ruining their lives forever, perhaps ending in death. This is horrifying and a real risk. I’ve watched it happen. And this is what you need to try and prevent - that’s your job as a parent. 2. Life impacting poor decisions, but something that they (and you) can live with. This is where we are now. Without the weed, my son would probably be finishing a four degree next year, instead of trying to get through trade school. He was a bright, driven kid who was really good at math. That motivation and those processing skills are currently gone - and years have been spent with them gone. However, he will be very good at his trade, in demand and well paying (he’ll likely be better paid than my youngest, who is majoring in History at an expensive private university). And we see flashes of the discipline that we were missing when he was 16, 17 and 18 (which was really the worst time). 3. No impact at all - there are plenty of stories here about no impact at all - and certainly I have a number of weed smoking friends in their 50s that have been smoking since middle school that hold good jobs and have good marriages and haven’t had their kids taken away from them and all the rest of the doom and gloom. Then you’ll look back and wonder why you worried. Cutting teenagers out is about you - its about your hurt and trying to protect you from pain. But there is a chance, a pretty good chance, that while you will be hurt and go through pain - cause that’s a universal in parenting - my “perfect” youngest sends us through completely different pain as they grow up, there will be plenty of happiness at the end of your journey. Cut them out and you increase the chances that they won’t survive this - but if they do survive and thrive you will increase the chances that you miss out on participating their perfectly OK lives (because that’s all most of us get - perfectly OK lives). Be supportive, and you increase the chances that they get that perfectly OK life, and you get to be there for it. After all Nic Sheff (the kid from Beautiful Boy) is living a perfectly OK life sober after a meth addiction - and weed is not meth. (At one point - when he was about fifteen, we sat down with him and said "weed is not good, but you’ll survive weed. Don’t even try meth. Don’t even try heroin. Those you don’t come back from. I think he listened, because his take on his former friends that got hooked on meth has been a rather disgusted “oh, he became a meth head.”) ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/297 "2020-02-06T16:39:07Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > I’m concerned for their health and their futures. > It’s either me or the drugs. > Looks like they’ve chosen. Good Lord. I can’t imagine anything in the universe making me say this about my own son, let alone something as mildly problematic as smoking marijuana. You need to step back and think about who you are, and what you value. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/298 "2020-02-06T16:40:01Z")
> [@Declanium](#): > > Gimme a break. > No problem with being gay. Would easily prefer son being gay to being on drugs. > We have gay family members. Never was an issue But if a mother made it clear that she believed that being gay was destructive and a lifetime choice, and her sons knew that, but still decided to practice a gay lifestyle, then it would be OK if she were done with her sons, right? They made a choice, and she’d be right to keep those people away from her to protect herself and what’s left of her family from that destructive lifestyle. How could you not support the mother in that case? ---
**Author:** ![Declanium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/5daacb/32.png) [@Declanium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declanium)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/299 "2020-02-06T16:48:00Z")
Drug use is a choice. I don’t believe people choose to be gay, do you? ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2020, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609/300 "2020-02-06T16:48:39Z")
Guys, she’s going to simply label her teenage sons as hopeless drug addicts and there’s obviously nothing we can do to make her see how damaging that is. I’m willing to write this mother off just as she’s written her sons off. Let her ruin her relationship with them - she’s far from the first parent to drive her own kids away. Thank God they seem to have a healthy relationship with their father. SOMEONE they can hopefully count on for support anyway, who isn’t obsessed with the idea that children have to be these perfect, innocent angels who never do a thing to disappoint the family name, lest they incur the disappointment of their mother :eyeroll: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/done-with-my-sons/845609.md?page=16)