# Don't assume I wanna murder a lobster **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 28, 2003, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137 "2003-05-28T23:09:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/1 "2003-05-28T23:09:42Z")
Posted on behalf of my sister, who is a bit too shy to register at the moment. * * * Dear Sender, I love to eat lobster, I really do, but the lobster I get is ordered properly: From a Menu! It does not arrive at my door, unbidden, in a box, packed with stinking seaweed and waving its claws demanding immediate attention. Oh wait, apparently it does and did last week. Eeeeww! I was appalled by it! Adding to my discomfort was the tagline from the company that sent it: “From our Cove to your Stove.” Again–eeewww! I’m happy cloaking myself in the delusion that ground beef really does come from cellophane packs in the grocery store. How do you think someone in Maine would like to receive a special chicken dinner from America’s heartland, complete with a live chicken and instructions on how to chop its little head off? Thanks for the thought, but next time a simple card will do. * * * Obviously, she’s considerably funnier than I am. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2003, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/2 "2003-05-28T23:58:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Don’t assume I wanna murder a lobster The sender might assume that you are capable of less than murder. Perhaps you could “hire” it done. Then you might get charged with conspiracy to commit murder. Or you could just “hint” to a close friend or relative that you like lobster. What the person does to them might not be your fault. As to what a Maine person(what does one call them?–“Maniacs?”) would do with a live chicken, I would think that they are a hardy breed, and would as soon whack the head off of a pullet as to look at it. Sunday dinner here we come. The tagline “…cove to…stove” was clever. You’re obviously dating the wrong guy. He hasn’t picked up on your signals that you wouldn’t like what he sent. Flush him. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/3 "2003-05-29T00:00:56Z")
Kindly forward the bug to me. I’ll be happy to ensure that it is properly attended to. I don’t have a cite handy, but lobsters are a lot closer to cockroaches than they are to any animal, including fish, hence calling it a bug. You’re not upset at the thought of stepping on a roach, are you? So don’t worry about boiling a lobster. If you really want them to go gently, pop them in the freezer for a few minutes pre-boiling. They’ll essentially go unconscious in the cold, then you can pop them into the hot water. By the time they warm up, they’re cooked. ---
**Author:** ![Neurotik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/91b2a8/32.png) [@Neurotik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neurotik)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/4 "2003-05-29T00:28:15Z")
What I want to know is how she is getting free lobsters sent to her and I’m not. I want my free lobster, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![desdinova](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@desdinova](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/desdinova)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/5 "2003-05-29T00:28:27Z")
obZoidberg reference: "Now the rubber band’s on the _other_ claw! Also a good opportunity to test out my new sig… ---
**Author:** ![beagledave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6de8d8/32.png) [@beagledave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beagledave)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/6 "2003-05-29T01:06:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gotpasswords \* > \*\*Kindly forward the bug to me. I’ll be happy to ensure that it is properly attended to. > > I don’t have a cite handy, but lobsters are a lot closer to cockroaches than they are to any animal, including fish, hence calling it a bug. You’re not upset at the thought of stepping on a roach, are you? So don’t worry about boiling a lobster. > > If you really want them to go gently, pop them in the freezer for a few minutes pre-boiling. They’ll essentially go unconscious in the cold, then you can pop them into the hot water. By the time they warm up, they’re cooked. \*\* Alton Brown…Holy is thy name. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/7 "2003-05-29T01:09:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gotpasswords \* > I don’t have a cite handy, but lobsters are a lot closer to cockroaches than they are to any animal, including fish, hence calling it a bug. Sure, they belong to the same phylum. They only differ by class, order, family, genus and species, making them practically cousins - just like humans and their close relative the python. ---
**Author:** ![Ashkicker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4bbf92/32.png) [@Ashkicker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashkicker)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/8 "2003-05-29T01:17:50Z")
I had a kid at one of my tables last week plead with the mom that she wanted a live lobster from the tank for her dinner. Her excuse she gave her mother was not that she was hungry, but that she wanted to see it die. Go figure. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/9 "2003-05-29T01:43:27Z")
[Johnny Cash] Well I cooked a lobster in Reno, Just to watch it die. [/Johnny Cash] ---
**Author:** ![auntnut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f6c823/32.png) [@auntnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntnut)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/10 "2003-05-29T01:45:17Z")
My blond friend and I went out to dinner at a fancy seafood restaurant last year…while we were looking at the menu, she noticed the tank in the middle of the restaurant, which held live lobsters for the patrons to choose for their dinner. She was so upset at the thought of someone killing the poor things, she snuck over to the tank and took all of the lobsters, and hid them in her bag. After we ran out of the restaurant, we parted ways. She told me later that she went to the forest, and set them all free!!😃 (I did mention she was blond, didn’t I?) ---
**Author:** ![Creative\_Munster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/919ad9/32.png) [@Creative\_Munster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creative_Munster)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/11 "2003-05-29T01:49:51Z")
What the hell? How could that not be noticed? ---
**Author:** ![auntnut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f6c823/32.png) [@auntnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntnut)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/12 "2003-05-29T01:53:09Z")
She distracted them by chopping a big hole in the 5000 gallon fish tank. ---
**Author:** ![chukhung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e79b87/32.png) [@chukhung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chukhung)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/13 "2003-05-29T02:11:37Z")
Lobster-napping can land you in some serious trouble. Take a look at this report from the archives of The Smoking Gun, [http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/redlob1.html](http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/redlob1.html) > [@](#): > > Meet Jonathon Granger and Hillary Boyd. The married duo got popped Monday by Florida cops after allegedly swiping a live lobster, valued at $8.99, from a Red Lobster in Naples. > … > Though Red Lobster agreed to drop the charges in exchange for payment, Boyd wasn’t interested in that generous offer: “This is a fucking joke. We’re in trouble for a fucking $8.99 lobster,” she reportedly yelled at a cop. Granger and Boyd are both facing theft and resisting arrest charges. Mugshots of the lobster liberators and a facsimile of the hand-written police report are also available through the above link. ---
**Author:** ![auntnut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f6c823/32.png) [@auntnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntnut)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/14 "2003-05-29T02:17:52Z")
Ok…I really did not think I would have to write a disclaimer here, but: Please note the dual references to “the blonde” Please note the 😃 at the end of the post Please note that lobsters DO NOT LIVE WELL IN THE FOREST!!! Please note that this was a joke, it was not intended to alarm or worry any fellow dopers. (I will be waiting…in a van, down by the river) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/15 "2003-05-29T07:03:21Z")
I’ll call him “Pinchy”. ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/16 "2003-05-29T07:48:06Z")
[Homer] You’re a free range lobster now! [/Homer] ---
**Author:** ![Audrey\_Levins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Audrey\_Levins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Audrey_Levins)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/17 "2003-05-29T07:57:27Z")
I used to work at a restaurant that had one of those claw-games, just like the ones at the grocery store where you try to grab stuffed animals, only you grabbed lobsters. And you’d be amazed at the number of people who’d dump $10, $20, even (once) $90 into that stupid game! (It was $2 a play, and the lobsters were usually smarter than the claw, so you rarely caught them.) I think the most vivid memory of that game, though, is the time a little five-year-old girl played it, and managed to catch _two_ lobsters at the same time…when they were brought to her table a few minutes later, steaming and bright red and accompanied by garlic butter sauce, she just about lost it. Screaming, crying, and throwing a fit b/c nobody had told her the lobsters would _die._ She thought she’d caught herself two pets. Her parents didn’t seem to care, though; they ate well that night. I, for one, never thought you should play with your food. And we got several angry letters from PETA about that game. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/18 "2003-05-29T08:07:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Waverly \* > \*\*Sure, they belong to the same phylum. They only differ by class, order, family, genus and species, making them practically cousins - just like humans and their close relative the python. \*\* Oh, sure, _biologically_. But _ethically_. they’re practically the same animal. ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 10:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/19 "2003-05-29T10:49:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Waverly \* > \*\*Sure, they belong to the same phylum. They only differ by class, order, family, genus and species, making them practically cousins - just like humans and their close relative the python. \*\* Ok, that cracked me up :). Fortunately I’ve always had others to do my lobster and crab killing for me – my mum gets given an esky of lobsters (around 50) every time she does work on an island in the South Pacific so although we’ve usually got a freezer full of them I’ve never actually had to kill one! ---
**Author:** ![NameAlreadyTaken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/97f17d/32.png) [@NameAlreadyTaken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NameAlreadyTaken)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2003, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/20 "2003-05-29T12:02:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by samclem \* > **As to what a Maine person(what does one call them?–“Maniacs?”) would do with a live chicken…** As a minor hijack, persons from Maine used to be known as Downeasters (aka “a Down East man…”). Not sure what the origin is beyond that it’s an old sailing term. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137.md?page=2)