# Don't assume I wanna murder a lobster **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 28, 2003, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137 "2003-05-28T23:09:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2003, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/61 "2003-05-31T19:10:21Z")
Work on your reading comprehension skills, privard ---
**Author:** ![UES\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/76d3ee/32.png) [@UES\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UES_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2003, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/62 "2003-05-31T20:59:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by samclem \* > \*\*Sure. LIke _carrots_ don’t cry when you cut them up. Plants have lives too. Painful death is not just for animals these days. 🙂 \*\* Hee hee. I read this and immediately thought of the monologue at the beginning of that song hidden on track 69 of the Tool CD _Undertow_ (you have to imagine a Southern radio fire-and-brimstone preacher saying the words in all seriousness for the full effect): And the angel of the Lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own Midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a _million_ voices full of fear. And terror possessed me then. And I begged, “Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?” And the angel said unto me, “These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them…_it is the holocaust_.” ---
**Author:** ![Lateralus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/35a633/32.png) [@Lateralus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lateralus)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2003, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/63 "2003-05-31T22:10:42Z")
from [The Toolshed](http://toolshed.down.net/0001.html) > [@](#): > > "And the angel of the lord came unto me, snatching me up from my place of slumber. And took me on high, and higher still until we moved to the spaces betwixt the air itself. And he brought me into a vast farmlands of our own midwest. And as we descended, cries of impending doom rose from the soil. One thousand, nay a million voices full of fear. And terror possesed me then. And I begged, ‘Angel of the Lord, what are these tortured screams?’ And the angel said unto me, ‘These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust.’ And I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat like the tears of one million terrified brothers and roared, ‘Hear me now, I have seen the light! They have a consciousness, they have a life, they have a soul! Damn you! Let the rabbits wear glasses! Save our brothers!’ Can I get an amen? Can I get a hallelujah? Thank you Jesus. " ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2003, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/64 "2003-06-01T10:10:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by privard \* > \*\*So what you’re really doing is pointing out that lobsters are so far below us, so different from us, as members of a different phylum, that they make other vertebrates like pythons seem like our close relatives by comparison. So basically, you proved the point of the person you intended to rebut. Way to go. > > AND you’re wrong, to boot. Lobsters may be different species, genus, etc. from insects, but the person didn’t call them “insects.” He called them “bugs.” And they are–like insects, arachnids (spiders, ticks), those creepy little pillbugs, centipedes, and millipedes, crustaceans are arthropods–and arthropods **are** bugs. \*\* Are you still learning to read? I’ll thank you to return here and retract your gross mischaracterization of what I said. It was a post about biology, not dinner table ethics. A poster brought up the old misconception that lobsters are very nearly insects (sometimes arachnids are mentioned – but both are wrong.) I merely explained, in a joking way, that the entire arthropod phylum, which includes insects, arachnids, and crustaceans, wasn’t any more closely related than the entire chordate phylum, including mammals, reptiles, and birds. Got it? And it is not incorrect. If you wish to insist that it is, please support that untenable position something akin to facts. **Bugs** are insects. phylum Arthropoda, class Insecta, order Hemiptera, to be exact. Once again, lobsters (phylum Athropoda, class Crustacea, order Molacostraca) are no more closely related to bugs than people to pythons. I don’t care what you eat or for which reasons. Welcom to the SDMB :rolleyes: You are off to a roaring start. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2003, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/65 "2003-06-01T10:31:56Z")
> [@](#): > > How do you think someone in Maine would like to receive a special chicken dinner from America’s heartland, complete with a live chicken and instructions on how to chop its little head off? Just in case that happens, here’s what I learned to do in Home Economics: Hang the live chicken up by her feet. Take a small knife and insert it into the beak. Jab it up through the roof of the chicken’s mouth and pierce its brain. Let it hang until the blood stops dripping. I guess you can wing it from there. I had lobster bisque tonight for the first time in four years. _And now you’ve made me feel **guilty** _!! Sob. Sniff. Grin. ---
**Author:** ![Madame\_Zelda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Madame\_Zelda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madame_Zelda)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/66 "2003-06-01T13:43:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by samclem \* > **The sender might assume that you are capable of less than murder. Perhaps you could “hire” it done…** Is there such a thing as a Lobster Mobster? Sorry, not feeling well - that’s the best I could do ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2003, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/67 "2003-06-01T20:50:50Z")
> [@](#): > > Sure. LIke carrots don’t cry when you cut them up. Plants have lives too. Painful death is not just for animals these days. [Carrot juice is murder.](http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/carrotju.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2003, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/68 "2003-06-01T21:17:16Z")
Guys gotta remember that despite all this feminism stuff, some things have not changed. Guys still have to kill the dinner before offering it to the woman. If you give it to her while it’s still alive and expect her to kill it, you’ve made a really bad move. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2003, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/69 "2003-06-01T21:25:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by El\_Kabong \* > \*\* > It does not arrive at my door, unbidden, in a box, packed with stinking seaweed and waving its claws demanding immediate attention. . \*\* Did I miss it somewhere, or did the OP explain how a lobster arrives unbidden? ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/70 "2003-06-02T10:59:35Z")
So I say to my husband “You know the whole freezer coma and then boiling water thing sounds a bit more human for the poor little lobster” And my husband says to me “Yeah, kind like going from a nice deep sleep and being plunged into hell” Not a lobster eater and don’t think I will ever be one. Those poor little guys sitting in those small tanks looking at passer-bys with puppy dog eyes as if to say “please take me home and love me”. And the joy they feel when they are picked to be taken home with only a little remorse at having to leave their little friends behind. Their little hearts bursting at finally finding a home! Oblivious to wait hell awaits them at the hands of their new “loving” family. Wow, I really need to get some sleep. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/71 "2003-06-02T11:06:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bad News Baboon \* > Did I miss it somewhere, or did the OP explain how a lobster arrives unbidden? I sincerely hope no one signed her up for a Lobster-of-the-Month club, or this thread’s going to be bumped in the near future I suspect… ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/72 "2003-06-02T12:23:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bad News Baboon \* > \*\*Did I miss it somewhere, or did the OP explain how a lobster arrives unbidden? \*\* Its just too expensive to be a practical joke. Unless the person the package is addressed to is a militant vegan or deathly allergic to shell fish…but then the package would be easily traceable back to the credit card that paid for it. That and they’d have an incentive to track you down… Q: You Did you ask it if it could sing, didn’t you? Under the sea Under the sea Darling it’s better Down where it’s wetter Take it from me Up on the shore they work all day Out in the sun they slave away While we devotin’ Full time to floatin’ Under the sea… ---
**Author:** ![lefty201](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lefty201](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lefty201)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/73 "2003-06-02T14:23:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lezlers \* > \*\*Okay, yeah, this shit is funny. > > And I’m a vegan. > > I’ve only got one thing to say about the OP though. If more people were forced to kill their own food, the world would have a hell of a lot more vegetarians. 😃 \*\* if i had to kill my own food and eat it, it would probably taste better…wheres my gun? time to go vegan hunting. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/74 "2003-06-02T14:38:38Z")
> [@](#): > > _ **Kricket** said:_ > Those poor little guys sitting in those small tanks looking at passer-bys with **puppy dog eyes** … Now _there’s_ an image I’ll have a hard time wiping from my brain. As if arthropods weren’t weird enough, arthropods with big cute brown eyes… just too weird. \ Besides, as the comedian said, how did we start eating lobsters anyways? If you found a lobster behind the fridge, you wouldn’t think, “Mmmm… food.” You’d run screaming from the room and then fumigate the whole neighbourhood. ---
**Author:** ![Waverly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/57b2e6/32.png) [@Waverly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waverly)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/75 "2003-06-02T14:53:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sunspace \* > Besides, as the comedian said, how did we start eating lobsters anyways? If you found a lobster behind the fridge, you wouldn’t think, “Mmmm… food.” You’d run screaming from the room and then fumigate the whole neighbourhood. That’s a mighty good point. I enjoy a lobster tail, lobster bisque, or any number of dishes – but put the whole mass of legs and tentacles on my plate, and I’m at a bit of a loss. I _hate_ it when you order a tail and they present you with an entire critter. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/76 "2003-06-02T15:25:28Z")
Mmmmm yummy. Vegans. Last time I went vegan hunting, a good time was had by all. I still remember every minute like it was yesterday: setting up the blind behind a stack of Ani DiFranco and Melissa Ferrick CD’s, masking our scents with patchouli in order to avoid making our quarry skittish, and waiting. Interminably. We thought we had baited the killzone well, but no luck at first. “Maybe we should have put out more hemp-based shirts,” my buddy Joe said. “Nah,” replied Ted. “The Amnesty International brochures will make up for it.” “We’re definitely in the right spot,” I observed. “There are fresh Birkenstock tracks all over the place.” Then, at about noon, our luck changed. Thin, doe-eyed, and full of righteous optimism, our target wandered in, drawn by the promise of organic, non-refined-sugar laden chocolate chip cookies. She stopped, sniffed cautiously. We held our collective breath. The patchouli mask worked. Our vegan approached the bait and picked up the back-issue of the Village Voice. She began searching for “Ernie Pook’s Comeek.” Then, the magical opportunity presented itself. Our vegan turned, presenting herself broadside to me. I nocked, drew, and fired. Clean hit through the lungs. Confused, she tried to run, scattering a few deconstructionist 'zines and an Anais Nin novel as she did, but her breath was failing quickly. In a few sprinted steps, I had closed the distance and cleanly finished the kill by slitting the throat. We hung her up to let her drain out, and had steaks that very night, saving the rest for soupstock and jerky. Vegans. A little stringy, sometimes gamy, but good in stew or as steak if seasoned correctly. Great with lobster. ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/77 "2003-06-02T16:13:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Waverly \* > \*\*That’s a mighty good point. I enjoy a lobster tail, lobster bisque, or any number of dishes – but put the whole mass of legs and tentacles on my plate, and I’m at a bit of a loss. I _hate_ it when you order a tail and they present you with an entire critter. \*\* My son always complains at seafood restaurants-he wants to get that whole lobster on his plate, darn it! He’s five. :eek: I sometimes have nightmares about what he eats when I’m not around to tell him not to. As far as I can tell, he’ll eat anything that doesn’t successfully eat him first. In stark contrast to my older son, whose idea of a balanced diet is one that includes both frozen waffles _and_ macaroni and cheese. ---
**Author:** ![DeskMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f14d63/32.png) [@DeskMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeskMonkey)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/78 "2003-06-02T18:15:29Z")
To this day one of the few things that can make me scream like a little girl is someone coming at me with a live lobster. I can feel the scream starting in my legs and it travels up through my belly, up the gullet and before you know I’m prancing around in circles on the tips of my toes and shrieking as though the little guy from Trilogy of Terror is after me. It’s an instinctual, animal reaction and I don’t think it’ll ever change. (it also happens with live clams and fish. I won’t go into details, but the day my brother came home from fishing with a live eel was the day my family not-so-coincidentally considered sending me off to an institution.) ---
**Author:** ![lefty201](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lefty201](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lefty201)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/79 "2003-06-02T18:37:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DeskMonkey \* > \*\*To this day one of the few things that can make me scream like a little girl is someone coming at me with a live lobster. I can feel the scream starting in my legs and it travels up through my belly, up the gullet and before you know I’m prancing around in circles on the tips of my toes and shrieking as though the little guy from Trilogy of Terror is after me. It’s an instinctual, animal reaction and I don’t think it’ll ever change. (it also happens with live clams and fish. I won’t go into details, but the day my brother came home from fishing with a live eel was the day my family not-so-coincidentally considered sending me off to an institution.) \*\* yeah but i would rather run into that cool little guy than a vegan with an attitude…question? who would win in a fight between the two? little idol man, or vegan with soybean/tofu cakemix ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2003, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137/80 "2003-06-02T18:38:39Z")
Quote]Did I miss it somewhere, or did the OP explain how a lobster arrives unbidden? [/Quote] An acquaintance sent the hard-shelled meal-to-be to my seester as a surprise. It was. **Happy Scrappy Hero Pup** , let me be the first to say you are one sick puppy. Sick but hilarious. Cheers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-assume-i-wanna-murder-a-lobster/178137.md?page=5)