# Don't call your mother "she" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 2, 2009, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057 "2009-08-02T14:18:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![mswas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e99b99/32.png) [@mswas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mswas)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/41 "2009-08-03T00:17:00Z")
I would refer to my sister as ‘My sister’ to my Uncle and he got annoyed saying, “I know your sister.”, but it wasn’t a disrespect thing. My Uncle is odd. ---
**Author:** ![Idlewild](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8491ac/32.png) [@Idlewild](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idlewild)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/42 "2009-08-03T00:27:15Z")
We got this. In Australia. Complete with “She’s the cat’s _grandmother_”, which is somehow even odder than the cat’s mother. It wasn’t exclusively for if one referred to one’s mother as ‘she’, but generally any adult woman, like teacher, or girl guide pack leader or such. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/43 "2009-08-03T00:50:05Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > I don’t know what this cat’s mother thing is, but yes, calling your mother “She” was disrespectful. Still is, as far as I know. WTF? I have _never_ heard of this before. Ever. Gosh, things sure are different here in the upper Midwest… ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/44 "2009-08-03T01:00:35Z")
How odd. I never experienced this. Those of you who did, did you get rebuked for something like the following: “Do you know where your mother is?” “Yeah, she went to the store.” If not, I imagine it’s a partially-respect and partially-grammar thing. If so, then…I got nothing, because that’s just loony. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/45 "2009-08-03T01:04:23Z")
I can _kind_ of imagine it if one were speaking of the Queen or something. “Where is the Queen?” / “Um, yeah, she’s in the parlor.” / “Philistine! You say _Her Majesty_ is in the parlor!” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/46 "2009-08-03T01:08:40Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > Is the problem possibly not the use of a pronoun as such, but that the subject of the sentence was not first properly introduced with a noun? I.e., “She lets me take the dog in my room.” would be bad, but “I spoke to mom earlier, and she said that I could take the dog in my room.” would be okay? > > Because not establishing context for a pronoun, and letting the speaker figure out what one is referring to, seems like the sort of thing that defenders of “proper speech” like to get upset about, and the step from rule of proper speech to rule of etiquette isn’t very big. My dad was the same way. As long as I established at the beginning that I was talking about my mom and used the correct pronoun (“Mom wants to know…” “Mom said this…” "Mom told me it was okay…), then I could call her “she” as long it was in proper context. (“Mom says Joe is on the phone. She wants to know if you’re too busy to talk to him now.”) It wasn’t considered disrespect by my dad if I properly acknowledged her at the beginning of the conversation and as long as I wasn’t trying to set one parent against the other. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/47 "2009-08-03T01:43:22Z")
I remember hearing this too–grew up in California, mid-60s through 80s. Don’t remember the context, but I was definitely told that it was impolite to call your mother “she.” Never anything about cat’s mothers, though. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/48 "2009-08-03T01:54:39Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > Yo’ mama, obviously. The Cellist? ---
**Author:** ![njtt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecd19e/32.png) [@njtt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/njtt)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/49 "2009-08-03T03:41:50Z")
I never experienced this in regard to my mother, but I can remember being reprimanded for referring to a teacher as “she” in England in the 1950s. I must have been about 4 or 5 years old. Clearly the issue was respect, not ambiguity. I thought it was stupid then, and I do now. ---
**Author:** ![antechinus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@antechinus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antechinus)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/50 "2009-08-03T03:53:22Z")
> [@miamouse](#): > > It was considered disrespectful. Whenever I used ‘she’, I got angrily told “Who’s ‘she’, the cats mother?” Which made even less sense to me. I still don’t understand what it means. > > Mom grew up in north Bronx, we were raised in Mount Vernon, NY. I also got this and grew up thinking that a ‘she’ was the term used to describe a mother cat. NSW-Australia ---
**Author:** ![emcee2k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emcee2k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emcee2k)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/51 "2009-08-03T04:08:04Z")
I’ve never heard of this, but I grew up in the Midwest in the 90s. I could see finding it a little annoying if your kid starts using a pronoun without say who or what they’re referring to, but that applies to any person, place, thing or idea, not just parents and elders. ---
**Author:** ![Blisters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Blisters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blisters)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/52 "2009-08-03T05:22:34Z")
my Grandmother used to say the same thing (“she is the cat’s mother”) as did my own Mom Grandma was Portuguese, if we’re keeping track. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_the\_Immortal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/6de8d8/32.png) [@Max\_the\_Immortal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_the_Immortal)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 8:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/53 "2009-08-03T08:43:23Z")
I’ve never heard of this before. I grew up in western Canada. Some of the examples aren’t clear to me. Is it just using “she” out of the blue? Compare: A) Child walks into Dad’s study. “Mom said she’d drive me to the movies. May I have some extra money for popcorn?” B) Child walks into Dad’s study. “She said she’d drive me to the movies. May I have some extra money for popcorn?” Is A rude? If so, should the second “she” be replaced with something, or should the whole sentence be rephrased so no “she” is needed? Is only B rude? I can’t remember anyone ever talking that way anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/54 "2009-08-03T13:21:27Z")
My parents, too! I always heard the “Don’t call your mother she,” except I got it in Hindi. It was a matter of respect. It was like this, sort of: Dad: Who said you could do that? Me: She did. _gesturing_ Dad: Don’t call your mother she! It was OK to say “Mom said she’d drive me to the movies, of course”. But not OK to say B in Max’s example. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/55 "2009-08-03T13:54:37Z")
> [@Max\_the\_Immortal](#): > > A) Child walks into Dad’s study. “Mom said she’d drive me to the movies. May I have some extra money for popcorn?” > B) Child walks into Dad’s study. “She said she’d drive me to the movies. May I have some extra money for popcorn?” (in the world of my childhood …) A is fine. B is not. Your mother is not a random nameless cab driver, she’s your mother. Show some basic respect and call her “Mom.” (In other words, say exactly what you did in example A). ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/56 "2009-08-03T14:31:24Z")
> [@Stratocaster](#): > > Grew up in Philly, and we definitely had this rule. It applied to all adults, but especially to moms. I didn’t need it to make sense, just understood it to be the convention that said people of respect should not be referred to by shorthand, or first names, or pronouns, because they were worthy of the extra effort of saying their name. Kids, on the other hand, needed to be satisfied with a “Hey, you” from an adult. I grew up in New York, but the biggest proponent of this rule in our house was my grandmother, who was raised in the midwest so I think it might be more widespread, perhaps a generation or two back. My mother didn’t enforce any rules that her mother had so it wasn’t anything to her. There’s a nuance though, that I hope I can explain. If I’m working at my desk I can hear conversation taking place in the living room. If my husband asks my son a question and the answer (regarding me) is “She took me to the post office” nothing happens in my brain. If we’re all in the same room and my husband says “Junior, go hang up your sweatshirt” and the kid answers “_She_ left _hers_ on her chair!” I experience a visceral "Don’t call your mother ‘she’ " reaction. Okay, nevermind explaining it. I can only explain that it happens, not why it happens. I think it bears mentioning that it only happens when my son’s voice is dripping with disregard for me, and for any parental authority. Since I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have any rational foundation I work at not overreacting when it happens, or perhaps it’s more correct to say I work at not expressing my overreaction outwardly. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/57 "2009-08-03T14:32:19Z")
> [@Sofis](#): > > Not establishing context for a pronoun, and letting the speaker figure out what one is referring to, seems like the sort of thing that defenders of “proper speech” like to get upset about, and the step from rule of proper speech to rule of etiquette isn’t very big. My mother and her mother are guilty of this several times a day; it drove us nuts, so we grew up making a point to avoid it. It drove Dad so crazy when they did it that he allowed us kids to correct them without even being particularly polite about it. Out of the blue “oh, she’s so stupid!” “who is, Mom? Have I done something or is it another she?” “Nah, my friend Gloria, evidently” “evident this chair, Mom, if you’re going to start insulting people who aren’t even in the room at least say who before we think it’s about us.” Spanish doesn’t require the subject to be explicited, but politeness and clarity do require that you mention it at least once so people know what are you talking about. > [@sleeping](#): > > I never heard any expressions related to the idea, but I was often rebuked for referring to my father or mother in the second person in their presence. So, if I was relating an event to my father involving my mother (and she was in the room at the time), I could not use the word “she” to refer to her. > > And I’m a Russian Jew from Ukraine. Spaniard and boy did we get hell for that. But we were allowed to give it, too, and the nephews are now. If anybody asks his parents how old my nephew is with the kid right there, the parents will say “he can talk, you know” and the kid’s been known to answer “I’m three and I’m not stupid!” ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/58 "2009-08-03T18:08:57Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > That’s interesting. Did the same also apply to fathers (“Don’t call your father he!”)? Oddly, no. I grew up in Los Angeles, and my mom got all huffy if I ever referred to her as “she.” The first time it happened, I was genuinely confused. What, are we not allowed to use pronouns anymore? I dismissed it as her being crazy/foreign, and went along with it figuring it was easier to obey her than to argue. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/59 "2009-08-03T18:29:39Z")
I just asked my aunt, who lived in Michigan for fifty-something years, and she never heard of this either. It doesn’t appear to be regional to me. ---
**Author:** ![Skara\_Brae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Skara\_Brae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skara_Brae)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2009, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057/60 "2009-08-03T19:52:15Z")
I got this too. I always wondered where the expression “The cat’s mother” came from. Did everyone who had this expression used on them even have cats?? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-call-your-mother-she/505057.md?page=4)