# don't know who else to talk to (LONG)

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-know-who-else-to-talk-to-long/90268>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [October 29, 2001, 9:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-know-who-else-to-talk-to-long/90268 "2001-10-29T09:20:36Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 3\
**Page:** 3

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**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\
**Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-know-who-else-to-talk-to-long/90268/41 "2001-10-31T04:46:46Z")

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This thread reminds me of some very sage advice I was once given at just the right moment.

Of course, I chose to ignore it, but for a long time after those few words just kept ringing in my ears.

“When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is - stop digging.”

Who knows, may be these words can help you too! They helped me to see something I just did not want to see.

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**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\
**Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-know-who-else-to-talk-to-long/90268/42 "2001-10-31T06:14:55Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Bad Hat \*  
> \*\*We have issues for sure, but tonight for example, she taught me how to carve jack-o-lanterns, we had a great pasta dinner with a little wine, played chess, and made love. I’d say on average that there are far more of these nights than there are nights of doubt and mistrust. I’m the first to admot we have a lot of work to do, but I still believe that we fall into the earlier category of good relationship with some problems.
> 
> \*\*

A good relationship is not about how you spend the good times together. Frankly, when my ex and I were in the good times, they were great. The hardest part about getting a divorce was that I have 12 years of good memories that I can’t really share with anyone. Any two people in the world can have a good relationship if they have some interests in common - as long as they both want the same thing.  
There is a difference between loving unconditionally, and allowing the person you love to treat you badly.  
A good relationship is about how you handle the bad times. What happens when the money is short, or your father dies, or she’s out of a job. What happens when she wants to do one thing and you want to do another. What happens when she does drugs. _What happens when you argue_

> [@](#):
>
> she … always manages to explain her actions during the rough spots in a way that leaves me feeling like they’re MY fault.

This is abusive behavior. Maybe this is truly not what is happening, and you were just upset. I’ve certainly done that.  
If she does this again - I’m not going to tell you to run away. You have to learn to deal with this behavior. _Do not accept this._ You _deserve_ to be treated better than this. If she does this again, look her in the eye and say “That is not acceptable. I did not do that, and I do not deserve to be treated this way”

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**Author:** ![Anal\_Scurvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c57346/32.png) [@Anal\_Scurvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anal_Scurvy)\
**Post date:** [October 31, 2001, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-know-who-else-to-talk-to-long/90268/43 "2001-10-31T06:21:16Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by elbows \*  
> \*\*This thread reminds me of some very sage advice I was once given at just the right moment.
> 
> Of course, I chose to ignore it, but for a long time after those few words just kept ringing in my ears.
> 
> “When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is - stop digging.”
> 
> Who knows, may be these words can help you too! They helped me to see something I just did not want to see. \*\*

It sounds like most of us have been here. I’m sure we’ve all been given sound advice, and I’m sure we never listened to it until the pain was too much to bear.

\*\*Hat, \*\*here is some food for thought: you have two options, being in the relationship and being alone. And, of course, nobody wants to be alone, right?

Now reread the title of this thread. It might be a relief to do without the chronic pain.

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