# Don't want sex with GF anymore :( **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 22, 2011, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643 "2011-08-22T11:39:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/61 "2011-08-22T17:25:02Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > My post was my cite. Be there, done that, although I have no idea why I responded to the situation as I did. Some people don’t respond well at all to being restrained, and don’t realize how poorly they’ll take it until it’s already going on. That’s why, if you’re playing these games with a newbie, you have to take it really slow until you know each others comfort level. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/62 "2011-08-22T17:28:06Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I’m sorry, but your girlfriend has some sexual hangups. There isn’t really anything YOU can do to change that _until SHE_ wants to make the change. > > If you stay in this relationship your sex life won’t change - other than to likely become a solo act. > > It’s up to you to decide if: > > 1. this relationship is worth having a frank discussion with her in regards to the sexual issues. This risks an ugly blow up, but _maybe_ she’ll she the light (I rather doubt it). > > - or - > > 1. this relationship is not worth it, and you (gently as possible) break up and move on. Very well said and good advice. My sentiments exactly. I wish you luck Dog80. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/63 "2011-08-22T17:28:49Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Are you saying that panic only occurs when you have experienced trauma in the past from a similar event? No, I’m saying it’s a red flag, especially in combination with other intimacy issues. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/64 "2011-08-22T17:47:00Z")
Everyone — please return to the topic of this OP’s problems with his girlfriend and stop the highjack regarding the cause of panic reactions. It’s swamping the main point of the thread. Thank you, Ellen Cherry ---
**Author:** ![Covered\_In\_Bees](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7ab992/32.png) [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/65 "2011-08-22T17:47:39Z")
Had we had an episode of The Dio Show in a while? I can’t remember one but this poor thread doesn’t stand much of a chance now. There’s been good advice posted here OP. You have my best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/66 "2011-08-22T17:55:07Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > So she sprained her ankle trying to get out for the pure fun of having a sprained ankle, did she? :rolleyes: She sprained her ankle as a result of her issues and hangups, not out of fear of her boyfriend. And :rolleyes: right back at you. Oops, I posted this before I saw the mod warning. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/67 "2011-08-22T18:09:59Z")
**Dog80** , it sounds like you have done your due diligence to try to fix this large problem - if you’re not sexually compatible (and it sounds like you aren’t, without pointing any fingers at either of you), ending the relationship is probably best for both of you. Couples usually find their sex life getting less…hot and intense as they stay together. Yours sounds like it has nowhere to go except down from here. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/68 "2011-08-22T18:19:07Z")
> [@Covered\_In\_Bees](#): > > Had we had an episode of The Dio Show in a while? I can’t remember one but this poor thread doesn’t stand much of a chance now. > > There’s been good advice posted here OP. You have my best wishes. Take the “Dio Show” baiting elsewhere-it has no place here. ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/69 "2011-08-22T18:24:55Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Yeah, not quite ‘too crude for (my) precious little ears’ - just tacky and adolescent. Of course your boyfriend has used those terms before - _to_ you. If he said it to someone else _about_ you, you may feel a differently. > > As you say, **Dog80** has come here asking for advice - yours? Or is :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: for me all ya got? Again, no. Even if my boyfriend used that vernacular while speaking to another person, I wouldn’t care. Nice try at guessing that, though. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/70 "2011-08-22T18:55:54Z")
> [@Dog80](#): > > Part of the problem is that she has a lot of hang ups regarding sex. She doesn’t want to touch herself, she doesn;t like lube or saliva, which sometimes makes sex uncomfortable or even painful for me. Dude, if things are dry enough that it’s painful for _you_, how do you think it feels to _her_? :eek: Excuse me for a moment while I knot my knees protectively together at the very thought. > [@](#): > > Anal play is right out of the question, even when I try to touch her back there she will clench her ass. Then for fuck’s sake, STOP DOING THAT. You know she doesn’t like it, enough that it’s a mood killer. Continuing to do it just makes matters even worse. When a guy does something boring/freaky/painful over and over and _over_ again, it becomes worse than a mood killer–you stop being able to relax and enjoy everything else because you’re waiting for him to go for the ass/suck his thumb/crank your tits like he’s trying to start a Model T/whatever. You know it’s coming, and it’s on your mind the whole time, destroying whatever hope of arousal or pleasure you ever had. And fyi, doing the same thing harder and faster _really_ doesn’t help. As bad and disappointing as your sex life is for you, it sounds like it’s far worse for her, and I don’t think it’s all her hangups. Those don’t typically get worse over time, after all, and you say your sex life has gotten progressively worse. As others have said, it may be some other issue in your lives together, or it could be that you’re doing the exact opposite of what she wants/needs, or she could be having some sort of hormonal fluctuation that’s having a negative effect. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/71 "2011-08-22T19:06:28Z")
Well OP I think you’ve got some good advice in this thread. It sounds like you’re doing stuff to turn her on but it’s not the stuff she likes. Have you asked her what she likes? If not, I wold start there. And if she says she doesn’t know perhaps that’s something you can work on together. However, I have to agree with what CCL said - if she doesn’t like it when you touch her ass quit touching her ass. Personally it sounds like there are issues on both sides - she may have hang ups but it sounds like she’s trying to communicate with you and you’re not hearing her. ETA - I thought the terms you used in the OP were fine. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/72 "2011-08-22T20:34:34Z")
**Dog80** , it could be: 1. Medical issue…loss of labido, changes in hormones, medications, fatigue, illness…etc. 2. Emotional issue…lack of intimacy, trust, depression, stress, affair…etc. 3. A combination of the two issues. Try to: 1. Rule out any medical issues by her going to her doctor. When was she last seen by her doctor? 2. If there is no medical issue, then seek counseling with her. She may wish to do it alone or as a couple. The issue(s) may resolve quickly or may take some time depending on what the issue was. If you love her, help her get the attention she needs and be understanding through the process. Good Luck. ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/73 "2011-08-22T21:10:31Z")
This might come off the wrong way, but do you guys ever have a couple of drinks beforehand? Maybe you go out to a nice dinner and have a bottle of wine or so? I guess what I’m asking is, does she ever drop her inhibitions when she’s been drinking? ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/74 "2011-08-22T21:22:29Z")
Hey **Dog80,** sorry to hear about the situation. Good effort trying to change things up in an effort to improve the situation (apart from trying even light bondage with someone with some sexual hangups; though I’m assuming she was a willing participant prior to the freakout). The only way to get through this however is to double down on communication. I would approach purely from a place of love that you have for her. Table the “I’m not getting what I want” feelings for a while and put your focus on wanting to provide what she wants. And if you want to get honest answers, you HAVE to give her a safe environment to do so without being penalized for it (pardon the pun). This means you have to man up and not let male pride or insecurities about what she might have to say get in the way. The truth might be hard to hear, but if you’re serious about it, you have to (a) steel yourself for uncomfortable truths, and (b) let her know you you’re ready to hear the truth and you’re going to support her because you love her. I think most people regard sexual incompatibility as a deal-breaker. If she isn’t going to participate in a intimate relationship that is mutually satisfying, I think the odds are strong that someone (or both people) are going to eventually start looking outside the relationship for satisfaction; causing resentment and ill will escalate to Defcon 1 levels and nobody wants that. You got to talk it through and all of us on a messageboard can only guess about where she’s at in her head. Only she knows. The best you can do is give her a safe space to do so. Good luck, bud. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/75 "2011-08-22T21:29:45Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > It sounds like your lack of sex is a result of more than normal long-term live in relationship complacency.. I’d say so. Help me out here, because I always get confused about the comma = decimal mark thing, but doesn’t “1,5 years” mean they’ve only been together for a year and a half? Admittedly, I’m looking at it through the scuffed lens of a 15-year marriage, but… if they’ve reached “bed death” this early in the relationship, I don’t see the point. Cut your losses and run. ---
**Author:** ![Estilicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Estilicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Estilicon)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/76 "2011-08-22T22:15:49Z")
> [@Eonwe](#): > > No no no, if you really love her, you “taste the sweet nectar of her love,” or something along those lines. Any less and the relationship is doomed. DOOOOMED!!! Ok. This is gross. I don´t want you near my flowers. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/77 "2011-08-22T22:42:52Z")
The two of you do not sound compatible. Give up or change your approach to her sexuality. You know she doesn’t want anything near her ass but you’re still attempting it. She’s clearly self-conscious during sex and you’re buying her lingerie and vibrators. Neither of you are helping each other. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/78 "2011-08-22T23:04:54Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > You ask? I dunno, maybe it’s me. One of us “initiates” and nine times out of ten things progress from there. But ask? I beg. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/79 "2011-08-23T01:48:30Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > We need a fingering forum. Since that’s unlikely, may I suggest as an alternative that we all take a moment to enjoy the following musical presentation, courtesy of South Park? [NOT SAFE FOR WORK](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dY3UGZBw_iI) ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2011, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643/80 "2011-08-23T02:00:10Z")
I’m sorry, I can’t get over the fact that you thought that tying her up would be a good idea. Yes, let’s take the woman who is clearly uncomfortable with whatever the two of you are already doing, and this time let’s restrain her so she can’t get away. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dont-want-sex-with-gf-anymore/593643.md?page=5)