# Doper Songs **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 26, 2000, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296 "2000-03-26T22:53:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2000, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/1 "2000-03-26T22:53:00Z")
mine might be: “I’m a little tech chick, short and stout, here is my OS, here is my route.” \< the things people do to amuse themselves, gads! \> ---
**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2000, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/2 "2000-03-26T23:32:00Z")
For handy: “do do do do do come on get handy” \< hey I barely remember those old TV shows, but some how it fit \> ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/3 "2000-03-27T00:21:00Z")
Ok, I admit this is pretty weak: “A modern day warrior mean, mean stride, Today’s VogueVixen mean, mean pride” LOL! * * * Adrock, light up the place And if you pull my card you pull the ace And if you ask me turn up the bass And if you play Defender I could be your hyperspace ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/4 "2000-03-27T01:06:00Z")
Dope Town Races Singalong doo dah doo dah Cecil Adams Knows it all Oh the doo dah day Oh the doo dah DAY Oh the doo dah day Dope Town Races Singalong Oh the doo dah day. PurpleCrackWhore and I don’t care PurpleCrackWhore and I don’t care Satan and DrainBead sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes demonspawn in a baby carriage. Sucking his claw, wetting his pants, doing the dirty demon dance! Scintillate scintillate, splendorindific How can I fathom thy nature specific? Poised far above in the atmosphere spacious glittering like a gem carbonacious Scintillate scintillate, splendorindific How can I fathom thy nature specific? You know Falcon, Ayesha, UncleBeer, and Satan, you know David and manny and UkeIke and Luoie, but do you recall the most famous Dopester of all? Demo the drunkard Dopester, had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it you would surely say “It glows!” All of the other Dopesters used to laugh and call him names. But they all liked that Demo and let him play Dopester games. Then one foggy Flag Day’s Eve, Cecil came to say, “Demo with your nose so bright, won’t you just get drunk tonight?” And all the Dopesters loved him, as they shouted out in awe “Demo the red-nosed dopester, CECIL TALKED TO YOU, OH MY GOD” One dope two dope red dope blue dope Tureluralura! Tureluralie! Tureluralura! It’s a doper’s lullaby. **Canuck Song** Bang bang Canucks Canucks bang all day who’s gonna bang my Canuck when I go away? A quarter for a Falcon A nickel for DrainBead Me I’ll stick with them Canucks they do it all for free. Bang bang Canucks Canucks bang all day who’s gonna bang my Canuck when I go away? Canucks all have boyfriends, their boyfriends all have trucks Theif boyfriends like to shift Canucks like to … Bang bang Canucks Canucks bang all day who’s gonna bang my Canuck when I go away? * * * I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![techchick68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea5d25/32.png) [@techchick68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/techchick68)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/5 "2000-03-27T01:08:00Z")
ROFLMAO…Surg, you’re funny! ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/6 "2000-03-27T01:14:00Z")
Surg, you’re too much!! I love those!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed that. 😃😃 \ 😃 I have no idea what song would be mine, anyone care to come up with one for me?? \ 😉 * * * You sing in my consciousness like a counterpoint to my life. L.L. ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/7 "2000-03-27T01:22:00Z")
Wouldn’t you, wouldn’t you Like to wear a wooden shoe Like the way that Coldfire do Do in Amsterdam! * * * Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in Gosh. ---
**Author:** ![Sassy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@Sassy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sassy)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/8 "2000-03-27T01:49:00Z")
no, no… “she ran crying Cooooldfire… Cooooldfiiiire…” ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/9 "2000-03-27T01:52:00Z")
Surg, honey, that was beautiful! ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/10 "2000-03-27T02:27:00Z")
Hoowah!! Let’s see, a purplebear song… From Mephiskapheles, “Bumblebee Tuna” yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear My buddy came in said “sup, so hungry, I gotta cravin for somethin that suits me” I told him we got chicken flakes, I told him we got cherry He just smiled and said “I want some purplebear” yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear The best tuna in the fair is the tuna we call purplebear The best tuna in the fair is the tuna we call purplebear Just the girls!! [high pitched/ridiculous] yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna I love purplebear purplebear tuna yum yum purplebear purplebear tuna Love a sandwich made from purplebear [/high pitched/ridiculous voices] * * * I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![Torgo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@Torgo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torgo)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/11 "2000-03-27T02:46:00Z")
TORGOOOOOOO! TORGO! TORGO, TORGO, TORGO… TORGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! * * * “My hovercraft is full of eels.” ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/12 "2000-03-27T03:08:00Z")
**Surgoshan** : There’s a bunch of birds in the sky and some deers just went running by Oh the snow’s pure and white on the Earth rich and brown, just another Sunday morning in my quiet Dopester town Oh the sun is shining and the trolls are green under the three feet of dirt, I mean This is an evening when it’s hard to wear a frown All the friendly people stop to say “hello” [get outta my way] even though the temperature’s low It’s a perfect Sunday evening in my quiet, little Dopester town. **Me** : Cecil, how did they make this movie? **Cecil** : A movie? **Me** : Yeah, it’s a foreign film from Canada! **Cecil** : Well, all right. **Cecil** : Oh what a picture perfect teemer just like Zotti he’s tender and mild he wore a smile when they took a picture of him and said it was me! What an angel with a heart so sweet and sure and a mind so open and pure Thank God I live in this quiet, redneck Dopester town. **Me** : Dude, dude, wake up! Manny, come on! **Manny** : hmmnhm **Me** : Manny, the new Straight Dope book is out, wanna go get it? **Manny** : thmmn nn nmimn? nmnm! **Manny’s Mom** : Where do you think you’re going? **Manny** : nn mmn hnm hmmnmnce nmn nnnmninm nnmni. **Manny’s Mom** : You can’t, you have to go to church. **Manny** : nmnm mmm, i wnnnm nne hnm nnmnninm ninminm mnni! **Manny’s Mom** : Well, fine, you go ahead and miss church. Then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan! **Manny** : mnmn **Surgoshan** : You can see your breath hanging in the air you see homeless people (and I guess you care) It’s a see of smiles in which we’d be glad to drown! **Manny** : hnmo jihnm joi hno im jnom hj io imjn h mj o ih nji mo ! **Me** : That’s right! It’s Sunday morning in our quiet, white bread, redneck Dopester town! **(Ukelele) Ike**: ba ba bab baa ba ba! **Kyla** : Ready Ike? Kick the baby! **Ike** : Don’t kick the baby. **Kyla** : Kick the baby. **Kyla’s mom** : Ike! You broke another window! That’s a bad baby! BAD BABY! **Me** : Kyla, we’re going to get the new Dope book. **Kyla** : Oh my God, dude! **Kyla’s Mom** : Kyla, where are you going? **Kyla** : Uh, we’re going ice skating. **Kyla’s Mom** : Well take your baby brother with you. **Kyla** : Aw, mom, he’s not even my real brother, he’s adopted! **Kyla’s Mom** : Do as I say, Kyla! **Kyla** : Okay, okay, I’m sorry. **Kyla’s Mom** : Look at those frail and fragile kids it really gets me down The woild is such a rotten place and city life’s a complete disgrace! That’s why I moved to this redneck, machauvinist, quiet, dopester, TOOOOOWN! Ike! Bad baby! **Ike** : Bee bor bah. **Announcer** : This program brought to you by Snacky Smores, the creamy fun of S’Mores with a delightful cookie crunch. _[ding dong]_ **MaxTorque** : Mom, somebody’s at the door! **MaxTorque’s Mom** : Coming Hon. **MaxTorque** : Hey, I can’t see TV! **News Anchor** : It’s been 6 weeks since Phaedrus was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the board is still glad to be rid of him. **MaxTorque’s Mom** : Oh, look, Jason, it’s your little friends! **Ike** : MaxTorque!! **MaxTorque** : What are you guys doing here? **Me** : [holds up clipping of ad for new book] **MaxTorque** : Oh, SWEET, Dude! Yes! YES! **ALL** : So off to the bookstore we shall go, where we learn everything that we know, because Cecil teaches us what our parents don’t have time to say! And this book is gonna make our lives complete, because Cecil Adams is sweet ( **MaxTorque** : Super sweet) Thank God we live in the quiet little redneck podunk white trash **Manny** : hnnmmn mnmh! **ALL** : U S AAAAA! **Me** : Could I have five copies of Cecil Adam’s latest book, please? * * * I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/13 "2000-03-27T03:14:00Z")
Surg, yer brilliant & all, but it’s time to take a stroll down the Hill into the springtime Bloom… ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/14 "2000-03-27T03:15:00Z")
huh? Is that a polite way of telling me to stop? * * * I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![purrplebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/90ced4/32.png) [@purrplebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purrplebear)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/15 "2000-03-27T03:16:00Z")
Surg, my man, that was truly inspired! I bow down before your greatness, oh, Mighty One! Thank you so much! You have just made my day!! You are too kind, too kind by far. \ 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 * * * You sing in my consciousness like a counterpoint to my life. L.L. ---
**Author:** ![Surgoshan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Surgoshan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Surgoshan)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/16 "2000-03-27T03:20:00Z")
See, it’s not that tough to do, just take a song and change one word, over and over and over again, maybe change another word for rhyming purposes. * * * I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail. ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/17 "2000-03-27T05:16:00Z")
_{We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Creationism have just seized a bevy of beautiful Doper maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. OpalCat intervenes, with a recitative: (well, it’s better than Muzak)}_ OpalCat: Hold scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of irrationality Upon the peaceful and honest Just bear in mind, these maidens of the Great Debates Are guarded by an Reference Librarian Pirates: We’d better all rethink our dirty plan They’re guarded by an Reference Librarian Maidens: Yes yes, he is an Reference Librarian. _{Cecil Adams wanders in from the wings, thumbing a 1986 World Almanac}_ Cecil: Yes, yes, I am a Reference Librarian! _{The orchestra starts up.}_ I am the very model of a Reference Librarian, I’ve answered readers questions both urban and agrarian. In knowlege I’ve no equal: secular or Presbyterian, I’ve even answered questions posed by Slyth and Libertarian! I insult the correspondents who ask questions quite pedestrian, But answer all who ask me even if it gives me a big pain, No question goes unanswered even if for years alone its lain, I even know that “dollar” comes from coins on the Spanish Main. Chorus: He even knows that “dollar” comes from coins on the Spanish Main! Cecil: My knowlege is complete and my manner is ironical, I know everthing there is about the sections that are conical, I’ve studied every word put down by modern or an Ancient Greek It’s rumored that into the mind of God I’ve had a little peek. Chorus: He’s studied every word put down by modern or an Ancient Greek, And it’s rumored that into the mind of God he’s had a little peek! Cecil: I wake up every morning and I sort through all my readers’ mail, I read out questions ‘til I find one asking about humans’ tails I tell them why a city’s smog makes thunderstorms and hail And if saltpeter really will cool off the bulk of ardor male. I even answer questions bout big topics: life and death and sin, 'Bout spots on fingernails caused by defective keratin, On grosser topics I’ve not ever quailed long from weighing in, I know all about the consequences of, um, bilirubin! _{The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Cecil in utter confusion. He sighs.}_ It’s the thing that makes (ahem) fecal matter brown: a potent brownish-yellow pigment, which is found in the bile. It’s what is left over when red blood cells die off and decompose, as they normally do throughout your life. _{Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.}_ Sheesh . . . Chorus: He knows all about the consequences of, um, bilirubin! Cecil: I know how gelatin is made from decomposing cattle hides, I know if Cesaer was indeed killed on the steps on March’s ides, Why something old is needed on the dress of every blushing bride, And why the calendar is screwed up by the force of Luna’s tides, There is no mysetry what’s beneath a common Scotman’s tartan kilt, How swallowers get down the sword all the way to the very hilt, I know the words to Louie Louie 'cause the song has such a lilt, But never ever ask me why it’s “building” and it’s never “built”! Chorus: Never ever ask him why it’s “building” and it’s never “built!” Cecil: Come to me if for the facts you’re always seeming hungry, But don’t ask stupid questions if you don’t want to see me angry, I’ll tell you this just one more time and hope you’ll have the sense to see, There isn’t any other common word, dammit, that ends with -gry! Chorus: He’ll tell you this jut one more time and hope you’ll have the sense to see, There isn’t any other common word, dammit, that ends with -gry! * * * If Cecil Adams did not exist, we would be obliged to create Him. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Cool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecb155/32.png) [@Joe\_Cool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Cool)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/18 "2000-03-27T05:28:00Z")
Ok, that was pretty damned impressive, Singledad. You have way too much free time. * * * ## If you say it, mean it. If you mean it, do it. If you do it, live it. If you live it, say it. Joe Cool ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/19 "2000-03-27T05:31:00Z")
\ Well, the scansion’s off in a few places, but it was fun to put together. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2000, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296/20 "2000-03-27T06:39:00Z")
I nominate SingleDad’s post for The Classic Hall Of Fame. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-songs/15296.md?page=2)