# Doper standardized units of measure **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 26, 2003, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223 "2003-04-26T00:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/1 "2003-04-26T00:44:44Z")
In this [column](http://www.straightdope.com/columns/030425.html) The Perfect Master makes mention of millishakespeares as units of literary or poetic talent. He uses the term _millishakespeares_. My guess (and on advice from [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=179677)) is that one thousand monkeys banging on one thousand typewriters for one thousand years to produce a work of Shakespeare, say _Hamlet_. Therefore, one monkey at one typewriter for one year would produce the literary talent of one _micro-shakespeare_. Now, The Master says that Robert Plant produced 2-3 milli-shakespeares of literary talent in writing _Stairway to Heaven_. That’s 2-3 thousand monkeys over 1 year. A standard has been set. So, what other standardized units of measurements are there out there? ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/2 "2003-04-26T01:56:56Z")
Well, there’s the millihelen, which is defined as the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship. I’ve also heard the term _metric shitload_. No definition, though. ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/3 "2003-04-26T02:32:25Z")
How about in “half straight dope winters”? Seems about a pretty standard unit around here. ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/4 "2003-04-26T02:48:22Z")
It’s not specifically a Doper measure, but I’ve always liked the attoparsec (about 3.1 centimeters) and the microfortnight (1.2 seconds) ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/5 "2003-04-26T03:40:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LurkMeister \* > \*\*I’ve also heard the term _metric shitload_. No definition, though. \*\* If you heard it here on the SDMB, then it was probably me. I think I made it up. If you heard it elsewhere, then: a) I am obviously wrong, and b)great minds think alike. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/6 "2003-04-26T04:30:08Z")
I’ve always thought there should be a scientific measure of cuteness. (Distinct from the measure of beauty, the millihelen.) I’m not sure what it would be though. Perhaps millikittens? ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/7 "2003-04-26T05:04:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by LurkMeister \* > \*\*Well, there’s the millihelen, which is defined as the amount of beauty required to launch a single ship. > > I’ve also heard the term _metric shitload_. No definition, though. \*\* Obviously, someone left you out of the loop - a metric shitload is exactly 964/1000 of an imperial shitload… -FK ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/8 "2003-04-26T13:42:12Z")
All right, then how much is an imperial shitload? And the first perrson who says it’s 1000/964 of a metric shitload is going to get such a smack. ---
**Author:** ![Kal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Kal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kal)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/9 "2003-04-26T16:28:49Z")
The _Hamster_ is the official Doper measure of how long it takes for a web page to load. Examples: “Hey, not bad! Only took 4 Hamsters for MPSIMS to come up.” “Oh, come on! I clicked submit 6 Hamsters ago and the damn post still hasn’t gone through!” The _Wolverine_ is a measure of how pissed off a Doper is and would normally be used in the BBQ Pit. Instead of the old fashioned marks out of ten that a rant gets, it should instead be awarded Wolverines. The _Reindeer_ is used to measure the offensiveness of any given word. From ‘Twit’, which would only score 0.05 Reindeers, to ‘C\*\*t’ which scores 0.99. Doesn’t matter if these measures are Imperial or Metric because, luckily, they are totally interchangable. ---
**Author:** ![Kal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Kal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kal)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/10 "2003-04-26T16:30:44Z")
And an Imperial shitload is 1000/964 of a Metric shitload. ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/11 "2003-04-26T16:56:30Z")
All of this sounds great! **LurkMeister** , I like the _Helen_, too but perhaps it could be updated to something abit more modern? **clayton\_e** , the _half straight dope winter_ is okay, but what’s it measuring and what’s the standard? **BlackKnight** , you came up with it, what about a standard? **Kal** , all of those are good! More, more! ---
**Author:** ![Kal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Kal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kal)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/12 "2003-04-26T17:05:25Z")
There really should be a term to express how many times you’d like somebody who has irritated you should smack themselves in the testicles with a sledgehammer. ---
**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/13 "2003-04-26T17:06:40Z")
How about the _-gry_ meaning one newbie asking a question that has already been addressed a million times? Example: “It was a ten _-gry_ week for the SDMB.” Similarly, the _duckquackecho_ meaning one mention or cite of a thoroughly debunked Urban Legend. “The incidence of _duckquackechos_ has been rising lately.” ---
**Author:** ![TVGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/82dd89/32.png) [@TVGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVGuy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/14 "2003-04-26T17:47:18Z")
I’ll pitch in for a standardized Dopefest Quotient. I propose that we abbreviate it DfQ to distiguish it from the ice cream treats food store chain. The standard DfQ would be equal to one Dopefest in each of ten locations on the same day. Therefore, if on one day, there was one single Dopefest scheduled worldwide, that event would equal one centi-DfQ. Adjustments, approximations and standard deviations could easily be applied to account for Dopefests that span more than one day or included more than one location. Yes, indeed. The DfQ - I think we could even make it sufficiently complicated to require a government bureau to oversee the standard and issue documents. ---
**Author:** ![TVGuy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/82dd89/32.png) [@TVGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVGuy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/15 "2003-04-26T17:48:44Z")
Oh my - of course I meant “deci-DfQ” Somebody’s gonna take away my math card now, right? ---
**Author:** ![Kal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Kal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kal)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/16 "2003-04-26T17:58:33Z")
**TVGuy** : You lost me after _“I’ll pitch in for a…”_. ---
**Author:** ![neutron\_star](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/51bf81/32.png) [@neutron\_star](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neutron_star)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/17 "2003-04-26T18:00:31Z")
MilliChick - a measure of Christian idiocy (not to bash all Christians of course. I’d say Polycarp is .000001 microChick). Ignoramaliter - what the Straight Dope has been fighting since 1973, now in easy-to-quantify units of liquid measure! ---
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2003, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/18 "2003-04-26T18:58:26Z")
3 list items = 1 Opal ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/19 "2003-04-27T01:32:48Z")
I tried the monkey-typewriter thing but all I got was ‘mockingbird’ typed out 2000 times. Can anyone think of a good title? ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/20 "2003-04-27T01:41:18Z")
**Neutron star** would negative values represent Xian intellegance or athiest stupidity? Come to think of it, how about: infinity: Jack Chick 10: one notch stupider than average Xian 1: standard Xian 0.1: one notch savier Xian 0: Cecil Adams - perfect knowledge, theosity irrelevenant -0.1 one notch savier athiest -1: standard athiest -10: one notch stupider athiest -infinity: you get the idea [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223.md?page=2)