# Doper standardized units of measure **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 26, 2003, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223 "2003-04-26T00:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/21 "2003-04-27T03:25:20Z")
Well, my dear father has created the measurment known as a _Moose_. As in; “I’ve got to piss like a-” In common parleance, _Double Moose_ and _Triple Moose_ have been used. I myself humbly suggest the _Nervous Twitch factor_. For example; I write MST3k/Lion King crossover slashfic. No, I don’t, really. But the reaction you just experienced had a _Twitch Factor_ between 1.8 and 3.1. You see? ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/22 "2003-04-27T05:51:53Z")
**Shade** , does this mean that those of us who are neither Christians nor atheists are off the scale? ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/23 "2003-04-27T08:10:39Z")
**Laughing Lagomorph** , why not shorten _duckquackecho_ and call it a _quacho_? I’d pronounce it “kwacko.” Why do I find that so funny? Anyway, this isn’t specifically SDMB-related, but perhaps a _millipicture_ is worth exactly one word? ---
**Author:** ![Tusculan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Tusculan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tusculan)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 10:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/24 "2003-04-27T10:40:54Z")
The unit for entertainment value of songs and scripts could be the Fenris, or milli-Fenris, for ease of measuring. I’m actually not sure about the unit Scylla: could we convert that to milli-shakespeares or to Fenris? I’d like a unit of information content of posts. Don’t know the name, though. (possibly the Cecil?) ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/25 "2003-04-27T12:14:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lel \* > \*\ ***Shade** , does this mean that those of us who are neither Christians nor atheists are off the scale? \*\* I KNOW! I’m sorry, I couldn’t think of a better way. Anyone who can improve on this system is welcome to, but if we’re going to need more axes. IF you know anything about quaternions be my guest! ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2003, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/26 "2003-04-27T16:21:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kal \* > \*\*There really should be a term to express how many times you’d like somebody who has irritated you should smack themselves in the testicles with a sledgehammer. \*\* Well, we could call it a Kal. Oh, and by the way, **Kal** : SMACK!!! ---
**Author:** ![Freyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/freyr/32/5763_2.png) [@Freyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freyr)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2003, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/27 "2003-04-28T04:12:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ranchoth \* > \*\*Well, my dear father has created the measurment known as a _Moose_. As in; “I’ve got to piss like a-” > > In common parleance, _Double Moose_ and _Triple Moose_ have been used.\*\* Interesting. In one area of the country, I’ve heard it refered to as a “Russian Racehorse” as in, I’ve got to piss like a Russian Racehorse. At least that’s how I’ve taken it. It could also be a rushin’ racehorse, too. 😃 Is there a one to one equivilency between mooses and racing horses? ---
**Author:** ![Hometownboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5e9695/32.png) [@Hometownboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hometownboy)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2003, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/28 "2003-04-28T16:40:49Z")
I do believe that the **Cecil** deserves to be a unit of measurement. Basic meaning would refer to a perfect union of knowlege and wisdom. For example, a Straight Dope book would be rated at 1 Cecil. By comparison, say, a Bathroom Reader could be pegged at a deciCecil and one of the Feldman books at a milliCecil. Most reading material will be rated in small fractions of a Cecil, but there are some books that get facts wrong, and some that have whatever the opposite of wisdom is, and thus venture into negative Cecil territory. A similar system could be applied to movies, comic books, plays, and TV shows (a depressing number of minus Cecil ratings there). The only possible challenge to the Cecil would come from the fabled Junior Woodchucks Handbook, containing all possible knowledge. An argument could be made that it contains an equal amount of wisdom as well. And it is already written down, whereas the Straight Dope book series is a work in progress. On the other hand, I believe no further additions have been made to the JWH since the late 1960s, so I’ll leave detailed examination of the subject to those who are deeper students of the Barks Canon. ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/29 "2003-04-28T18:53:39Z")
Not a Dope-specific unit, but I always liked this one: the **glug** , a unit of liquid measure. I first encountered it at a golf course to be used in adding pesticides and fertilizer to spray trucks. To add “two glugs” of something, you take the lid off and turn the container completely upside down until it glugs twice. This also works for cooking. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/30 "2003-04-28T20:42:44Z")
A guy I knew in college called a lot of anything “a load.” If there was more of it, it was “a buttload.” Even more of whatever it was was “a s **tload," and more than humans can logically fathom of whatever that was was "a f** kload.” It’s amazing how, after a while, he could use one of the four terms and somehow you had some idea of how much stuff he was talking about. ---
**Author:** ![Ferris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ferris/32/11573_2.png) [@Ferris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferris)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2003, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/31 "2003-04-28T21:54:50Z")
A very important unit is the **millispoofe**. One millispoofe is defined as that amount of information that is just sufficient to trigger an involuntary response that attempts to reject said information – literally ‘too much to handle’. Because of differences in tolerance for information, a ‘Doper Information Sensitivity Threshold’, or DIST can be assigned to each person on a message board. A person’s DIST typically increases in proportion to the frequency and amplitude (in millispoofes) of further information received according to the following equation: D = I.f._k_ Where D = increase in DIST, I = amplitude of information in millispoofes, f = frequency of information and _k_ = constant of prose quality. Examples: Normal faecal matter typically rates 20 to 100 mS, depending on color, texture, odour, etc. Violently expelled faecal matter may rate up to 400 mS, depending upon location and spray pattern. Cross-species exposure could push the amplitude up to around 700 mS. This might be the case for an incontinent dachshund in your lap, for instance. If there’s a toothbrush involved, then the 1 spoofe boundary may well be reached. It should be noted that f, I and _k_ are all well above average on the Straight Dope, so assuming that a non-doper may have a comparable DIST to yourself may be a gross overestimation. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/32 "2003-04-28T23:12:37Z")
Again, not a doper measure, but I think there’s something terribly evocative about a _ **knob** _ of butter (a _ **knob** _ is equivalent to 0.01 nanoKingdoms). Toilet humour should be measured on the _ **Lieu** _ scale. A particularly wordy and unnecessarily confusing post might register eight or nine _ **Hinks** _. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/33 "2003-04-29T14:07:03Z")
Yep, that would be **handy**. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/34 "2003-04-29T16:17:36Z")
I’ve always been fond of the Alp as a measure of faith, as it was used in **Good Omens**. I can’t raise more than .01 microAlps, but I know people who can get a good full centiAlp when the mood strikes them. Only Adam Young could score an Everest, of course. ---
**Author:** ![jweb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/71c47a/32.png) [@jweb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jweb)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/35 "2003-04-29T16:58:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hometownboy \* > \*\*The only possible challenge to the Cecil would come from the fabled Junior Woodchucks Handbook, containing all possible knowledge. An argument could be made that it contains an equal amount of wisdom as well. And it is already written down, whereas the Straight Dope book series is a work in progress. > > On the other hand, I believe no further additions have been made to the JWH since the late 1960s, so I’ll leave detailed examination of the subject to those who are deeper students of the Barks Canon. \*\* I think it was the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook, wasn’t it? I’d like to nominate one more book to challenge the Cecil: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. After all, what book could sum Earth in two words (“Mostly Harmless”)? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/36 "2003-04-29T17:01:28Z")
And the measure of greatness of song-parody lyrics? The **welby** , of course. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Iteki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/eada6e/32.png) [@Iteki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iteki)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/37 "2003-04-29T17:22:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duke \* > **Even more of whatever it was was "a s** tload," and more than humans can logically fathom of whatever that was was “a f\*\*kload.” \*\* A friend of mine coined “fuckload” as the group name for prostitutes. A gaggle of geese, a fuckload of prostitutes. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2003, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/38 "2003-04-29T19:32:25Z")
Speaking of songs, the measure of a song cover’s quality should be in **Shatners** or **Shats** (which seems appropriate in so many ways.) “The Jack Webb cover of **Try a Little Tenderness** is a .85 Shat.” Shatner’s cover of **Mr. Tambourine Man** is the ultimate, a 1 on the Shat scale. His **Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds** is a .99. ---
**Author:** ![welby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@welby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/welby)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2003, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/39 "2003-04-30T11:37:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sunspace \* > \*\*And the measure of greatness of song-parody lyrics? The **welby** , of course. 🙂 \*\* Man. Kind of cool to do the occasional vanity search and find myself referenced. 🙂 Thanks **Sunspace**! My contribution: The **Rue** scale measures the likelihood of a post being hijacked. It’s a complicated formula based on the content of the post, the number of views, and the amount of time it takes me, **Fairy Chat Mom** , and **Exgineer** to post something of our own in that thread. The actual number is typically less than 30 seconds. ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2003, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223/40 "2003-04-30T13:04:15Z")
A long time ago, I postulated the existence of the **Monty-Polycarp** continuum to measure a dopers reaction to potential trolls/sockpuppets. Needless to say, **Monty** took exception. 😉 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Shade \* > \*\*I tried the monkey-typewriter thing but all I got was ‘mockingbird’ typed out 2000 times. Can anyone think of a good title? \*\* Nahh - kill it, its been done to death… ::d&r:: Grim [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-standardized-units-of-measure/171223.md?page=3)