# Doper Talent Show! Sign up here! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 29, 2004, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754 "2004-04-29T22:04:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/41 "2004-04-30T01:43:23Z")
I got this coon dog can talk. He sure can. Once you get used to his speech patterns, it’s real clear what he’s saying. Got a place for me and Ol’ Blue? Huh? Huh? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/42 "2004-04-30T01:51:11Z")
You know, when I mentioned animal acts, I didn’t have anything in particular in mind (well, okay, I _was_ hoping there might be some armadillo jugglers out there – maybe a pair, so they could do the “toss back and forth” thing) – but now I’m thinking: **MsRobyn** , a few cute little mousies – we might really have something! **SkyClad** your mom’s gone to bed, so you’re dealing with me, and I’m not nearly as big a pushover – but walk _and_ chew gum? Work in flaming batons, Spaghetti-O’s, and/or an armadillo or two, and I’ll promise you a spot in the first part of the show. **’punha, 'capn** – why don’t you two get together and see if you can’t combine your talents for a real show-stopper? Naked knife-throwing – _that’s_ entertainment! **Tone** – if you can’t find the hula skirt, a teeny little pair of wings might be equally effective, with or without a little halo. Just a suggestion: I don’t want to interfere with your artistic vision here. ---
**Author:** ![rockle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@rockle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rockle)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/43 "2004-04-30T01:57:08Z")
My truly special talents are making mountains out of molehills, jumping to the wrong conclusions, and putting my foot in my mouth, but I usually save those for family occasions. But I can also carry a tune pretty OK, and drink 13 Harvey Wallbangers without throwing up as long as I don’t get into a hot tub right afterwards. Maybe me and some other Dopers can do a neo-Rat Pack act? If that fails, I can do the Blacklight Hula. Or, to draw in the masculine-male-type crowd, the Topless Blacklight Hula. Or, I will be the Buxom Blonde Volunteer for the knife-throwing or flaming-baton-twirling acts. I have good insurance. Please? Anything? ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/44 "2004-04-30T01:58:34Z")
**John Carter** , do you think your dog could sing while **Tone** ’s dog dances? ---
**Author:** ![rjk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed655f/32.png) [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/45 "2004-04-30T02:03:16Z")
> [@](#): > > Why, I remember when I was a boy, we had _talent_! You should have seen what my friend Leroy could do with a pig! One day we greased up his pig and … No, I can’t give away my whole act, now can I? We’ll let the suspense build until the night of the show. OK? (The bit about the wheat field really cracks 'em up too!) ---
**Author:** ![Helena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c68b51/32.png) [@Helena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/46 "2004-04-30T02:30:39Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > Okay – if you can do both at the same time while drinking a glass of water, I think we’ve got a spot for you. If I can get somebody to hold the glass for me, I’ll give it a try. ---
**Author:** ![IrreverentTone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@IrreverentTone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IrreverentTone)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/47 "2004-04-30T02:31:00Z")
**twickster** , it would be a bit difficult to get the pup’s horns wedged down far enough for the halo to stay on. Actually, he prefers to dance in the nude. Keeps the wardrobe malfunctions at a minimum, ya know? And the cracker crumbs don’t get stuck in his bikini top. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/48 "2004-04-30T02:37:09Z")
Ah, geez, this is difficult – have **Rockle** do the nude hula with **Tone** dog, or have her hold the glass of water for **Helena**? What to do, what to do… ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/49 "2004-04-30T03:13:17Z")
Wow. 47 posts from people with various talents and not one magician has appeared yet. (no pun intended… not! :D) So I would like to audition my magic act. I have some killer close-up material and some great new stuff I have for a stage act! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/50 "2004-04-30T03:16:14Z")
I volunteer to pose as an actual Theater Critic for the NY Times\_Picayune-Press giving gushing reviews about the acts to bring the crowds. Naturally, I expect a kick back in the form of mula. _Flaming Spagetti-O’s_ sounds like hemrroids. And what song would they play? _Ring of Fire_, naturally. ---
**Author:** ![DooWahDiddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9bcb4/32.png) [@DooWahDiddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooWahDiddy)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/51 "2004-04-30T03:32:08Z")
Why I _never_! Flaming Spaghetti-O’s, people?!? The sauce alone would cause third degree burns! Can’t we make it Pez or something? Or wait! What about mashed up Twinkies? I’ll rassle in that. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/52 "2004-04-30T03:39:02Z")
I can fit a quarter in my nose. Two, if you count each nostril. I got two up each once, but it hurt like a bitch getting 'em out again. ---
**Author:** ![TheOnlySaneOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@TheOnlySaneOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOnlySaneOne)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/53 "2004-04-30T03:59:02Z")
Well, while wearing argyle I can gargle gershwin. Gloriously. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/54 "2004-04-30T09:53:52Z")
OK, the early crew is back in, and I have just one thing to say: **SkyClad** , gum? _Gum?_ **GUM???** After all I’ve spent on dentists over the years? That durn well better be sugarless gum, missy… Oh, sorry, involuntary mom-reflex there. Lessee, who else is on the list… **rjk** , a greased pig? Sweetie-baby, this is the _theatah_, not the county fair. Love ya, love your work, maybe you should do a re-think and get back to us, thxbye. **Dragwyr** - you’re in for sure. I like magicians. Do you have an attractive assistant in a sequinned costume? Or do you work alone? **Shirley** - excellent - make sure you come up with a few pithy quotes that we can splash across our posters and the marquee! **Tentacle Monster** - how’d you like to work the box office? I figure when you go to dispense change, most folks will refuse and that’ll make our take that much higher!! **TheOnlySaneOne** - I’ve heard of your act. I’m intrigued. Incidentally, do you gargle George or Ira? **DooWahDiddy** - Twinkies, huh? We might just make that work. It’s subtle, but I think the crowd will appreciate it. OK, write it up as a formal proposal, including your best estimate for Twinkie tonnage. ---
**Author:** ![SkyClad72724](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@SkyClad72724](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkyClad72724)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/55 "2004-04-30T11:10:52Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > **SkyClad** your mom’s gone to bed, so you’re dealing with me, and I’m not nearly as big a pushover – but walk _and_ chew gum? Work in flaming batons, Spaghetti-O’s, and/or an armadillo or two, and I’ll promise you a spot in the first part of the show. How about this? During my singing number, I’ll choeograph with a couple of armadillos named Sven and Rex while they twirl flaming batons. And I’ll make my gum Spaghetti-O flavored. That should count for something… ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/56 "2004-04-30T11:11:09Z")
> [@](#): > > I can fit a quarter in my nose. Two, if you count each nostril. I got two up each once, but it hurt like a bitch getting 'em out again. The real question is can you put your wedding ring up your nose? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/57 "2004-04-30T11:37:18Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > **John Carter** , do you think your dog could sing while **Tone** ’s dog dances? Considering this by **rockle** : “If that fails, I can do the Blacklight Hula. Or, to draw in the masculine-male-type crowd, the Topless Blacklight Hula.” I think we can work something out with my dog singing while rockle dances with **Tone** ’s pup. Time and place for practice sessions, please? ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/58 "2004-04-30T11:37:40Z")
Well, I can play piano and guitar, but not ususally at the same time, and I can sing a bit, but if you’re looking for real talent… I can touch my tongue to my nose. And bend just the top joint of my left ring finger. And …_drum roll_…I can do both at the same time. Just need a little warm-up time for the tongue thing. 😛 Aaaah… :o uuuuuuggghhh… 😛 aaaahhhhhh… Ok, I think I’m ready for my audition now. ---
**Author:** ![rockle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@rockle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rockle)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/59 "2004-04-30T12:09:52Z")
> [@John Carter of Mars](#): > > Considering this by **rockle** : “If that fails, I can do the Blacklight Hula. Or, to draw in the masculine-male-type crowd, the Topless Blacklight Hula.” > > **I think we can work something out with my dog singing while rockle dances with Tone’s pup.** If that’s a euphemism, nobody better tell my husband, 'K? It’ll be our little secret until opening night. ---
**Author:** ![flamingbananas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f4b2a3/32.png) [@flamingbananas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flamingbananas)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2004, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754/60 "2004-04-30T12:11:59Z")
[QUOTE=twickster] **Flander** – have you given any thought to adding flaming batons to your act? QUOTE] OOO ME ME! I can twirl a baton, AND I handle flaming bananas, and sometimes flaming poo, when I get angry. If not that, I can pop my shoulder out about 5 or 6 inches, and I can turn on and off light swiches, and make it look like I am climbing up a wall by my shoulderblades. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-talent-show-sign-up-here/242754.md?page=4)