# Doper-wives, ever refer to yourself as "Mrs John Doe"? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 21, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936 "2010-10-21T21:25:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/21 "2010-10-22T04:54:40Z")
My mother (who took my father’s name) is fine with _Mrs John Doe_ _only_ it’s preceded by _Mr &_; Her address stickers say Mrs Jane Doe. Oh, & when my uncle remarried my new aunt managed to screw up her formal thank-you cards in a slightly oedipal way. His wife had died 6 months before (they actually met at a support group while she was still alive). My mother and I were the only relatives of his that attended the wedding (my dad was at a tractor pull). It was an informal house wedding; she didn’t even sent out written invitations, but she did mail little thank-you notes to all the guests. Guess how ours were addressed? _Mr & Mrs Alpha Boi_ :smack: She married me off to my own mother. Mom thought it was hilarious; like any normal 16 yr old boy I was creeped out. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/22 "2010-10-22T05:29:06Z")
Oh God, the very thought of hyphenating my last names makes me shudder. Think Throatwarbler-Mangrove. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 9:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/23 "2010-10-22T09:31:44Z")
The only time I ever saw the whole Mr./Mrs. Lastname was when my grandparents would send me mail. My ex was all too happy to take my last name, she hated her maiden name. I have an androgynous first name, and I’ll get mail for Mrs. EvilTOJ sometimes. Actually, one time I did get junk mail addressed to “Mrs. EvilTOJ” because I’d filled out some web form and I suspected it would be used for spam, so in goes the fake name! Personally I don’t like hyphenation of last names. It seems wishy washy to me for some reason. Pick a name and stick with it! Although, any of [these people](http://bigstupididiot.com/2009/02/13/27-funny-wedding-announcements/) should be mandated to hyphenate. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/24 "2010-10-22T10:19:45Z")
Both my paternal grandmother and my mother would sometimes explain “So-and-So’s wife” while their respective SOs were alive same as they would also sometimes describe themselves as “such-and-such’s mom”, but got their mailboxes labeled and started answering to “Widow of [his lastname]” upon widowhood. Mom was 59; Grandma had been a similar age. It’s a fast and easy way to stave off requests to speak with the man of the house, apologies, explanations, condolences 20+ years after the fact from people who never knew the guy… ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/25 "2010-10-22T12:40:20Z")
> [@Tethered\_Kite](#): > > There are times when I’ve wondered why I wasn’t independent enough at the time I married to think of hyphenating. As someone who hyphenated I can tell you it probably wouldn’t make much difference, and would have opened you up to a lot of unsolicited crap from nosy busy-bodies. And a lot of people STILL insist on calling by my husband’s name because, you know, a total stranger is more informed about what my name is than I am myself. :eyeroll: ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/26 "2010-10-22T13:13:52Z")
I have had elderly women INSIST that they were “Mrs. John Doe” on the phone to me. Myself? I will probably take his last name, if only because it makes a nice harmony with my first name, whereas my last name does not, but I admit, sometimes I am not sure about going from the beginning of the alphabet to the middle. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/27 "2010-10-22T13:44:20Z")
When I was a college student in the early '70s I had an internship at a small-town daily newspaper. I tried very hard to sell them on the idea of Ms. as the only female alternative to Mr. Sometime around then some big-deal national publication–maybe Newsweek–started using it. So one day a caption appeared of a photo of some society event, and they did it thus: Ms. Richard Smith, Ms. Freddy Krueger, Ms. Alan Jones, and Ms. Kenneth Doe. Wrongo, wrongo! And the manager editor was all, “What? Isn’t that what you want? Look we did it your way!” There was a lot of resistance, and why? Why should a woman’s marital status be displayed when a man’s isn’t? (Also, in the mid-90s, I worked for a law firm, a big one, that, in its directory, used Ms. for the single lawyers and Mrs. for the married ones. You know, if they were female. WHY???) ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/28 "2010-10-22T14:07:46Z")
No, and I sometimes get irritated if I get mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisname Neville. If someone did refer to herself as Mrs. Hisfirstname Lastname, I’d assume she was at least 95 years old and a really stuffy person. The problem with hyphenating names is what happens in the next generation. If two people with hyphenated last names get married, now there are 4 names, and that’s just ridiculous. It gets worse in succeeding generations. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/29 "2010-10-22T14:09:01Z")
The only person that addresses my wife in the manner described in the OP is her mother. My wife thinks it’s funny. And if my mother-in-law (who is the most liberal woman I know) sends my wife a check for her birthday, etc. she makes it out to me as the Payee. 😃 This irks my wife, as I usually make a good joke about it. My MIL, while very progressive in her political views is very traditional in others. The only thing funnier is to see people like some who have posted above, that this practice offends them so much that they feel rage. It’s our culture. I think it’s hilarious that someone would be driven to roid rage over somebody practicing a cultural norm, albeit one that is changing. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/30 "2010-10-22T14:15:50Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > The problem with hyphenating names is what happens in the next generation. If two people with hyphenated last names get married, now there are 4 names, and that’s just ridiculous. It gets worse in succeeding generations. And who says that the children of a hyphenated couple HAVE TO have hyphenated names? Hmm?:dubious: You can agree that the children all have his last name. I’ve seen people (hyphenated and not) give his last name to the boys and her last name to the girls. I’m sure there are a myriad other alternatives. The key, of course, is to decide _in advance_ (you know, at the time you’re talking about marriage) what you’re going to do. Or, in my case, we knew going into the marriage we weren’t going to have children so the issue was moot. Really, a woman can’t win these days - if she takes his name, keeps her name, or hyphenates _someone_ is going to object. Me - I’ve come to a point in my life when I refer to people as _they_ prefer. If I’m uncertain I ask what their preferences are. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/31 "2010-10-22T14:18:09Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > The only thing funnier is to see people like some who have posted above, that this practice offends them so much that they feel rage. It’s our culture. I think it’s hilarious that someone would be driven to roid rage over somebody practicing a cultural norm, albeit one that is changing. The rage is because the cultural norm treats one group of people (wives) as subservient appendages to another group of people (husbands) and goes back to the days when women were chattel, not real people in the eyes of the law. Perhaps if a cultural norm treated you as less than a full person you’d better understand why some people find it offensive. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/32 "2010-10-22T14:23:50Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > The rage is because the cultural norm treats one group of people (wives) as subservient appendages to another group of people (husbands) and goes back to the days when women were chattel, not real people in the eyes of the law. Perhaps if a cultural norm treated you as less than a full person you’d better understand why some people find it offensive. As I said, hilarious! Life’s too short to get angry over crap like this. The majority of the people that continue these cultural practices aren’t viewing women as chattel. Who are you angry at? The men of 1885? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/33 "2010-10-22T14:26:16Z")
I started a [thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=363722) about this very subject a little while after I got married. Seems the consensus then was I was getting my panties in a snit for wanting my own name. Nice to see my side of the story defended somewhat. ---
**Author:** ![Sundrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/da6949/32.png) [@Sundrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sundrop)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/34 "2010-10-22T15:17:50Z")
This thread amuses me. My wife took my last name, which is a story in and of itself. Her father was Chinese and her last name was Shih. Which gives a large number of people fits in the pronunciation department apparently. Being a ninja with a pretty visceral disgust with the homeland of her dad’s family, and none too fond of her father for that matter, she wanted to dump the name. So she took mine. The really fun part, that just absolutely cracks me up, is that her mother insists on addressing mail to her as “Mrs. MyFirstname Sundrop” for no other reason than to tweak her. Which does get her riled a little, and makes me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/35 "2010-10-22T15:21:05Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Oh God, the very thought of hyphenating my last names makes me shudder. Think Throatwarbler-Mangrove. 🙂 I suppose Peters-Heyer is out then? ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/36 "2010-10-22T15:38:04Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > As I said, hilarious! Life’s too short to get angry over crap like this. Well, it’s not affecting you, so why don’t you stop trying to tell the little women how to feel, huh? I’m sure you have your pet peeves as well, this is just one for us. The only people that have gotten away with calling me Mrs. HisName were my ancient grandmothers and grandmother-in-law. On the amusing side, a couple of his aunts don’t remember what my last name is, and we’ve been married too long for them to ask without embarrassment, so we get cards and stuff with only his last name. We snicker every time. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/37 "2010-10-22T15:39:09Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > The rage is because the cultural norm treats one group of people (wives) as subservient appendages to another group of people (husbands) and goes back to the days when women were chattel, not real people in the eyes of the law. Perhaps if a cultural norm treated you as less than a full person you’d better understand why some people find it offensive. > [@Wilbo523](#): > > As I said, hilarious! Life’s too short to get angry over crap like this. The majority of the people that continue these cultural practices aren’t viewing women as chattel. Who are you angry at? The men of 1885? It’s not as long ago as you think - when I was a kid, I remember my mom not being allowed to go into the bar to get my dad out when it was time to go home. I’m in my forties. When freedoms have been “given” (I always stumble over that concept) as recently as equal rights for women, we tend to still be a little tender on the subject. As for hyphenated people getting married, I think they should throw all the names in an anagram generator and pick from the list. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/38 "2010-10-22T17:51:47Z")
Generally not, but on occasion have used it when it was important to make the point of being his wife. As somone upthread mentioned, this can be useful when dealing with financial things, or utilities. Back in my youth (when dinosaurs ruled the earth) it was mandatory that any mail (and by that I mean stuff with a stamp on it) directed to a married couple be sent to Mr. & Mrs. John Doe. The inside might say Dear Aunt Sally and Uncle Fred, but the envelope had to be Mr. & Mrs. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/39 "2010-10-22T18:23:40Z")
Hell, I remember when I was a kid in the 1970s, my parents received some piece of financial paperwork on which they were designated as “DADFIRST DADLAST AND WF” (presumably for “wife”). WF? WTF? I have also met up with problems changing aspects of an account just because I wasn’t HIM, even though they happily took the payments out of an account in my name only with no trouble whatsoever. I also recently switched my Internet connection to Alltel broadband, and since we already have cell phones through them, the billing will be on the same account. Only because the cell phones are technically in his name, HE had to sign off on the paperwork, even though I pay the bill, which is for MY business. Also, at H&R Block, where I have my taxes done (again, because of my business), even though I’m the only person they ever deal with and he never touches the taxes except to sign where I tell him, they file our paperwork under HIS name, because he is the all-important HUSBAND. So every time I go to pick up my taxes, they say, “Name?” and I give my name, and lo and behold they can’t find it. The I give his name, and whaddya know, there it is. I complain every time, but it never changes. It’s damned irritating. I am a functioning citizen in my own right, not just another appendage of Person-With-A-Penis. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/40 "2010-10-22T18:51:59Z")
No, I don’t. He has a gender-ambiguous name, and Mrs. Firstname Lastname is always _him_. (snicker) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936.md?page=3)