# Doper-wives, ever refer to yourself as "Mrs John Doe"? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 21, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936 "2010-10-21T21:25:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Minnie\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Minnie\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Minnie_Luna)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/41 "2010-10-22T18:58:25Z")
I hyphenated for a couple of reasons. First, I spent 29 years with my name and I’ve grown attached to it. Second, I have numerous scientific publications with that name on it, I wanted them to be easily referenced after marriage. Third, I have a very common first name and combined with my husband’s very common last name I would be “Jen Smith” as opposed to “Jen ArduousPolishName-Smith”. I figure I won’t get lost by keeping my maiden name. For all easy everyday chores I use his last name for most things. Making a dinner reservation, at the dry cleaners, etc. For all “official” business, legal purposes, etc. I use the hyphenated form. My sister in law just got married at 36 and is not going to change her name. It’s her choice. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/42 "2010-10-22T19:14:24Z")
My grandma has referred to herself as Mrs. Dead Grandpa so long that I’m sometimes uncertain whether people will know who I’m talking about if I call her by her own name. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/43 "2010-10-22T19:51:26Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > …The problem with hyphenating names is what happens in the next generation. If two people with hyphenated last names get married, now there are 4 names, and that’s just ridiculous. It gets worse in succeeding generations. Or the kid only get’s _one_ surname from each parent like in Hispanic & Lusophone cultures. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/44 "2010-10-22T20:18:42Z")
The only time I do is in the return address of something I’m sending on behalf of both of us (Birthday and Christmas cards, mainly). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/45 "2010-10-22T20:31:14Z")
> [@Ann\_Onimous](#): > > I’m the lone dissenter so far. I have been addressed that way, and I don’t mind. According to our beliefs, when we married, we became one. I was more than happy to take his name. I went with the oldschool HerFirst HisLast when I married too, but I only use Mrs. John Doe when I don’t want to give out my name. Like when telemarketers call and ask me who I am or, as Hilarity N. Suze noted upthread, when I need to deal with businesses that aren’t ready to deal with the unpenised. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/46 "2010-10-22T20:40:15Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > The only person that addresses my wife in the manner described in the OP is her mother. My wife thinks it’s funny. And if my mother-in-law (who is the most liberal woman I know) sends my wife a check for her birthday, etc. she makes it out to me as the Payee. 😃 This irks my wife, as I usually make a good joke about it. My MIL, while very progressive in her political views is very traditional in others. > > The only thing funnier is to see people like some who have posted above, that this practice offends them so much that they feel rage. It’s our culture. I think it’s hilarious that someone would be driven to roid rage over somebody practicing a cultural norm, albeit one that is changing. Gee, your wife doesn’t like it, so you make a joke about it and laugh at her? Because your mother sends you money to dole out for her, like some kind of allowance? You must be a real prince. And I don’t think “roid rage” is used in any way correctly here. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/47 "2010-10-22T22:19:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > It’s not as long ago as you think - when I was a kid, I remember my mom not being allowed to go into the bar to get my dad out when it was time to go home. I’m in my forties. When freedoms have been “given” (I always stumble over that concept) as recently as equal rights for women, we tend to still be a little tender on the subject. My grandmother owned some real estate. It was in her name only. However, she couldn’t sell it without her husband’s permission. And Grandpa could, and did, sell it without her permission and knowledge, because he was her husband, and he had the legal right to do so. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/48 "2010-10-22T22:28:30Z")
I’m sorry for your grandmother **Lynn Bodoni** , but being married to a jerk is going to suck no matter what laws apply and what rights you have. It just sucks less to be a woman nowadays than it used to. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/49 "2010-10-22T22:44:04Z")
Yes, it does suck less. My grandmother didn’t divorce him because there was no no-fault divorce back then…she’d have had to have a legal reason to divorce him, such as adultery. I know that there were other legal reasons for divorce back then, but that’s the one that comes to mind. I keep hearing people whine about how easy divorce is today. Well, I’d rather have it be easy to get a divorce than have it too hard. Some marriages can’t be fixed. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2010, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/50 "2010-10-22T23:04:10Z")
When we bought both of our houses, my husband and I both had to sign papers stating that we couldn’t sell the house without the permission of the other. When I bought a house as a single woman, I had to sign papers stating that I was not married, and there was no one else with an interest in the property. I believe these are because of Homesteader Laws here, where those kinds of shenanigans used to go on (a widow kicked off of her farm after her husband died, the husband selling property out from under his wife, etc.). ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/51 "2010-10-23T00:37:49Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > As I said, hilarious! Life’s too short to get angry over crap like this. The majority of the people that continue these cultural practices aren’t viewing women as chattel. Who are you angry at? The men of 1885? Who am I angry at? The store clerk who didn’t want to ring up my order because _he_ was offended I didn’t take my husband’s name. The bank manager who told me that I could not open an account in my own, _legal name_, I had to do it as Mrs. HisName HisName _and_ - because none of my ID was in that form - _I would have to got to a judge to legally change my name to that before I could open an account!_ **In 1998!** The people - over a dozen over the years - who have gotten pissed off because my husband opened mail addressed to his name after missing the “Mrs” in front of it. Because, you know, it’s _his name_ on the envelope so of course he opened it. If you want ME to open it _use MY name, dammit!_ And so on and so forth. If it [_truly_ made no difference I wouldn’t care, but _it DOES make a difference_. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/52 "2010-10-23T00:44:14Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > Also, at H&R Block, where I have my taxes done (again, because of my business), even though I’m the only person they ever deal with and he never touches the taxes except to sign where I tell him, they file our paperwork under HIS name, because he is the all-important HUSBAND. So every time I go to pick up my taxes, they say, “Name?” and I give my name, and lo and behold they can’t find it. The I give his name, and whaddya know, there it is. I complain every time, but it never changes. > > It’s damned irritating. I am a functioning citizen in my own right, not just another appendage of Person-With-A-Penis. One of the things I like about my accountant is that he _asked_ us if we had a preference regarding name order. At present, since I am the chief breadwinner they’re under my name. Which is probably another reason it chaps my ass when this comes up - I’m the head of household, the chief breadwinner, the bill payer, not him. I want that acknowledged, thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/53 "2010-10-23T00:49:36Z")
> [@Ann\_Onimous](#): > > I’m the lone dissenter so far. I have been addressed that way, and I don’t mind. According to our beliefs, when we married, we became one. I was more than happy to take his name. I just want to say - if it is _your preference_ and _your choice_ I have ZERO problem with you adopting that form for your name. I fully support your right to choose your own name and be referred to as you prefer. It’s just that I want the same - and our choices/preferences differ. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/54 "2010-10-23T00:51:24Z")
Not name-related, but attitude-related . . . Several years ago Mr. S and I attended a public meeting to discuss a community issue. It was held at the home of a man who had been the local gym teacher/football coach for years. Old Republican bastard, essentially, but on this issue we were on the same side. So anyway, at the beginning he asks us to introduce ourselves and tell a little bit about ourselves. It comes around to me, and being self-employed, I say, “My name is So-and-So and I work at home—” Gym Teacher cuts me off with a bombastic, “That’s great, nothing wrong with that!” And gestured to the next person. Cause, see, “I work at home” means “I’m a domestic engineer,” not “I’m a local business owner whose office happens to be next to her living room.” Thanks a lot, Mr. Blowhard. Attitudes from 1885 DO still exist. **Broomstick:** No kidding. I was the breadwinner for several years, paying pretty much ALL of the damned bills, and I still ran into this crap. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/55 "2010-10-23T01:17:40Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > “Mrs. HisFirst Hislast” just grosses me out. I have a first name. I like your wording. I think it grosses me out, too. ---
**Author:** ![dhkendall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9adbd/32.png) [@dhkendall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dhkendall)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/56 "2010-10-23T01:56:54Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Me - I’ve come to a point in my life when I refer to people as _they_ prefer. If I’m uncertain I ask what their preferences are. > [@Broomstick](#): > > I just want to say - if it is _your preference_ and _your choice_ I have ZERO problem with you adopting that form for your name. I fully support your right to choose your own name and be referred to as you prefer. > > It’s just that I want the same - and our choices/preferences differ. These. I’ve always been of the mindset that if you have preferences, they should be honoured as a sign of respect for that person. You want to be called Mrs. John Doe? I respect that, being bitchy about it would make you feel as angry as **Broomstick** no doubt was when the storeclerk was offended she didn’t take his name. Consideration of others’ wishes is what I live by. I remember when we were getting married we got a brochure from the Province of Manitoba explaining name options - she could change her last name to mine (which is what she wound up doing), keep her maiden name, hypenate, or both pick an entirely new last name (which was what one couple did). Heck, I could even take her last name! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/57 "2010-10-23T04:34:30Z")
I’ve done the utilities name dance more than once, too. I look after EVERYTHING for our household - that’s the arrangement we have. I know everything about all our accounts and all our finances and all our bill-paying and all our filing and just, well, everything, but if I want to adjust an account, I have to send an email to my husband and ask him to call the utility company to make the change, because they refuse to acknowledge me. When we moved last year, he added my name to all the accounts, but I don’t have much faith that that will solve the problem - we should have probably just changed them over to my name and left it at that. ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/58 "2010-10-23T14:23:38Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > I also recently switched my Internet connection to Alltel broadband, and since we already have cell phones through them, the billing will be on the same account. Only because the cell phones are technically in his name, HE had to sign off on the paperwork, even though I pay the bill, which is for MY business. Part of that is the phone company. When my husband and I had two accounts with Cingular, I had to add him to my account and he had to add me to his account so that we could transact business on them. > [@](#): > > Also, at H&R Block, where I have my taxes done (again, because of my business), even though I’m the only person they ever deal with and he never touches the taxes except to sign where I tell him, they file our paperwork under HIS name, because he is the all-important HUSBAND. So every time I go to pick up my taxes, they say, “Name?” and I give my name, and lo and behold they can’t find it. The I give his name, and whaddya know, there it is. I complain every time, but it never changes. I bet they have the returns indexed just like the IRS does. There was one year when I sent two estimated tax payments which subsequently didn’t show up as having been paid. After a little digging around I discovered that I had sent them under my SSN (the payments were for my consulting business). The IRS indexes things under the husband’s SSN, so they had showed up as unpaid. To the OP: I like to use “Mr & Mrs John Doe” when I’m signing the book at funerals or weddings because it looks more formal. I don’t think it would bother me if someone addressed me like that but nobody has ever done so. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/59 "2010-10-23T14:48:16Z")
> [@Wilbo523](#): > > The only thing funnier is to see people like some who have posted above, that this practice offends them so much that they feel rage. It’s our culture. I think it’s hilarious that someone would be driven to roid rage over somebody practicing a cultural norm, albeit one that is changing. As a woman who is sometimes addressed as “Mrs. HisLastName”, I have to agree with this. Is it such a big deal, really? I can’t imagine going through life looking for ways to get so offended that I would cut off contact with a relative over how they addressed me. > [@Broomstick](#): > > **Fuck. No.** > > \*\*I have cut off relations with relatives who refuse to call me by my own, legal name. \*\*Needless to say, those not relatives generate even harsher reactions from me. I absolutely will not tolerate being referred to in that manner because I find it humiliating and degrading to be stripped of my identity. > [@Broomstick](#): > > As someone who hyphenated I can tell you it probably wouldn’t make much difference, and would have opened you up to a lot of **unsolicited crap from nosy busy-bodies**. And a lot of people STILL insist on calling by my husband’s name because, you know, a total stranger is more informed about what my name is than I am myself. :eyeroll: You seem to know a lot of nosey people, **Broomstick**. I remember another thread in which you claimed that strangers or at the very least casual acquaintances were commenting that you would never catch a man if you didn’t groom your eyebrows. What region do you live in where people are always up in each other’s business like that? I am truly curious. That seems very foreign to me, but I live in the cold and impersonal Northeast. ---
**Author:** ![tygre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@tygre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tygre)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2010, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936/60 "2010-10-23T14:52:31Z")
Absolutely NOT. I do introduce myself as “tygre lastname, husband’sname’s wife” and hope people clue in that we have different last names, since I introduce us with those last names, but older family members don’t quite seem to grok it and I get mail from them addressed to tygre hislastname. This is after 5+ years of marriage and being told face to face what my last name is. Our kids are from my first marriage and have my last name, and he does get addressed with that name by teachers but we just correct them and move on. I do get annoyed with it but not furious. I just hope they’ll clue in one day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/doper-wives-ever-refer-to-yourself-as-mrs-john-doe/557936.md?page=4)