# Dopers, I need your relationship advice! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 23, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745 "2012-02-23T16:54:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/41 "2012-02-23T20:19:42Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Reread your OP. You don’t think this guy is right for you, aren’t attracted to him any more, and list multiple major incompatibilities between you two. Why would you ever stay with someone you feel that way about? Being married to some loser you don’t like or respect is far worse than being alone. You’re right, thank you for this. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/42 "2012-02-23T20:24:42Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Reread your OP. You don’t think this guy is right for you, aren’t attracted to him any more, and list multiple major incompatibilities between you two. Why would you ever stay with someone you feel that way about? Being married to some loser you don’t like or respect is far worse than being alone. At least if you’re alone you always have your vibrator! 😃 It will never let you down, and if it does, you just buy a new one, no hurt feelings. You can even give it a name if you like. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/43 "2012-02-23T20:25:12Z")
I’m getting the impression that you haven’t had a relationship that was a loving relationship between peers - Greg’s love was dependent on you getting a job? This guy is more like a child to you than a partner? That’s not how it’s supposed to be. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/44 "2012-02-23T20:25:54Z")
Well, now you know what ya gotta do. The sooner the better - no sense prolonging it. (The ol’ Band-Aid metaphor works well here.) Come back later when you’re feeling a little better about the whole thing, and let us know how it went! ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/45 "2012-02-23T20:26:02Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Believe me, I know. That is why this is hard. That’s why there’s pressure for me to just take the next guy that comes along. Hence, my hesitation on dropping the current boyfriend. What if I can’t find anyone else quickly enough? Then will I regret dropping him? ☹ Consider this: at 36, you’re already “geriatric” as far as pregnancy is concerned. You’re at higher risk for birth defects and health complications for both you and the baby, and you may not be able to get pregnant at all. So if any of that happened, would you still want this guy to be your partner? Would you be glad you married him anyway, or would you regret it? There are no guarantees in life; all we can do is make our best guess based on the available information. You don’t know whether you’ll be able to get pregnant with this guy, or if you do, what the kid will be like. What you _do_ know is that you don’t love him, don’t enjoy being with him, and don’t think he’d make a very good parent. He’s basically _worst_ possible guy to have kids with. Yes, if you dump him, you might never have kids (biologically, anyway). But that sounds to me like a _good_ thing, given the alternative. Having kids is not always better than not having kids. Being partnered is not always better than being alone. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/46 "2012-02-23T20:37:00Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Alice, I’m not sure why you think I am not emotionally mature. I do care for this guy, I feel like he is a nice and good person, and am not looking forward to hurting him. I have never really had to do this before. It’s not going to be fun. Is that what makes me emotionally immature? Not wanting to hurt someone, or feeling awkward about dumping someone? :dubious: > > You characterization of my views on Greg and Susan are wrong. Greg may not have always been perfect to me, but he went above and beyond as a father. And Susan has not done a great job as a mother. She has 6 kids, never had a job, now married to a new guy with a kid (so there’s 7 kids living there), he doesn’t have a job either, they’re all living off of Greg’s child support (all 9 of them), and she barely lets Greg see his kids and she talks smack about him to the kids all the time. She is a loser, and those kids are going to have major problems in life because of her. I do still think the kids would have been better off with Greg. I’m sorry I’m not all huggles and kisses, but jeez, lady, you asked for advice and you got it. Your wanting to draw this out with more and more and more advice and hand-wringing just seems like attention-whoring to me. Just my opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/47 "2012-02-23T20:40:55Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m sorry I’m not all huggles and kisses, but jeez, lady, you asked for advice and you got it. Your wanting to draw this out with more and more and more advice and hand-wringing just seems like attention-whoring to me. Just my opinion. No, actually I am agreeing with everyone and thanking them for their advice. I don’t want to attention whore but the more input, the better. This input is helping me greatly. As for you, I was just asking you why you think I am emotionally immature for my age. Just asking. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/48 "2012-02-23T20:43:57Z")
What defines us is not what we do when things are breezy, but what we do when things get hard. You know it’s the right thing to do. Don’t worry about it, just do it. You’re not shooting his dog, after all. People get broken up with, and survive everyday. Be respectful, be firm, look in his eyes. It’s one short conversation. You can do it! ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/49 "2012-02-23T20:44:08Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > No, actually I am agreeing with everyone and thanking them for their advice. I don’t want to attention whore but the more input, the better. This input is helping me greatly. As for you, I was just asking you why you think I am emotionally immature for my age. Just asking. I guess I just rarely run across adults that have a hard time letting go of someone that they don’t want. I’ve had it done to me, and I’ve done it to others. It’s not the end of the world to break up with someone that you’ve only been seeing for a short time. I don’t get the drama that you seem to be creating for yourself. And forget about yourself for a second- you’re not doing _him_ any favors by continuing the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/50 "2012-02-23T20:45:47Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’m getting the impression that you haven’t had a relationship that was a loving relationship between peers - Greg’s love was dependent on you getting a job? This guy is more like a child to you than a partner? That’s not how it’s supposed to be. This is apt. Greg and I were as equals for a while, until I lost my job and became ill and could not work for a while. Then it became unequal and he said I was not doing my part. I think part of it was he feared I would become a leach like his ex-wife, who never worked, and who lives off his child support. He wanted a self-sufficient woman who was not going to rely on him. Not saying it’s right, but that was part of it. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/51 "2012-02-23T20:49:32Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I guess I just rarely run across adults that have a hard time letting go of someone that they don’t want. I just don’t like hurting someone’s feelings. And I know he is really really into me, and I know it will really hurt his feelings. And he has been so sweet to me and doesn’t deserve to be hurt. So I just need to know how to make it as easy as possible for both of us. I know I will be feeling a lot of guilt. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [February 23, 2012, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/52 "2012-02-23T20:55:36Z")
The best way to make it easy for both of you is to break it off, quickly and decisively. No “If you get your life together” no “If you decide you want kids”, no “We can still date but not exclusively”, no “We can still be friends and spend time together”. Something like “I’m very sorry, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I just don’t think we’re right together.” Full stop. There was a comic I read once that compared breakups to silly putty. If you take a lump of silly putty and grab it and pull it hard and sharp, it breaks cleanly. But if you try to pull it apart slowly, it gets all stringy and messy and all over the place, and the breaking just doesn’t happen, all you get is a strung out mess. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/53 "2012-02-24T00:33:10Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > This is apt. Greg and I were as equals for a while, until I lost my job and became ill and could not work for a while. Then it became unequal and he said I was not doing my part. > > I think part of it was he feared I would become a leach like his ex-wife, who never worked, and who lives off his child support. He wanted a self-sufficient woman who was not going to rely on him. Not saying it’s right, but that was part of it. It sounds like Greg has so much baggage that there wasn’t a lot of room for you in his life. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/54 "2012-02-24T01:56:47Z")
Don’t wait for someone else to come along and give you permission to have kids. If you want kids, go to a sperm bank (like, yesterday) or adopt some. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/55 "2012-02-24T10:00:48Z")
It’s obvious this guy is not going to be emotionally or financially ready to get married or have kids any time in the near future. Sounds like you guys have different priorities. That’s a good enough reason to breakup. Not that you really need a reason. (You might also want to look for Zsofia’s posts about her ex boyfriend that she broke up with after many years together. For some reason this guy reminds me of that guy). I think you need to decide how much importance you place on having biological kids and let that be your guide for what to do next. If having kids is something that is crucial to you, then I probably would have a serious conversation with your ob/gyn about fertility (here’s an article that gives an overview about age related fertility and how it can be looked at : [http://www.donorivf.com/agefactor.html](http://www.donorivf.com/agefactor.html) ). I’d also seriously consider looking into the pros and cons of using a sperm donor vs. trying to find the “right guy”. Clearly being a single mom by choice has its struggles, but unfortunately I think you are at high risk for settling for an unhealthy relationship if you feel like you’re in a hurry to have kids. I do have a vague memory of you posting about the end of the 9 year relationship here. If I recall correctly, that was a long, drawn out messy situation where there were multiple breakups and so forth. It sounds like Greg could end up turning out the same way (your comment about how things might have been different if the job had come sooner makes it sound like you still have some hope that maybe he’d give things another chance now that you have the job). It sounds like letting go is hard for you, but the more time you spend on a slowly dying relationship the less time you have to find the right person. Another issue is that it sounds like you’ve never really had time to get used to being single as an adult. It sounds like you went from one very serious relationship to the next pretty quickly. Maybe it would not be such a bad idea to take a break from that and just take some time dating different guys casually. If you can picture yourself being happy with adopted children or stepchildren instead of bio kids, then I would even more strongly encourage taking things easy, try dating casually, and not feeling like there’s any rush. Single life is not necessarily scary or sad. It can be a lot of fun, and it’s an awesome feeling when you realize you don’t actually need anyone else but choose to be with them because of what they have to offer. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/56 "2012-02-24T13:23:50Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > The best way to make it easy for both of you is to break it off, quickly and decisively. No “If you get your life together” no “If you decide you want kids”, no “We can still date but not exclusively”, no “We can still be friends and spend time together”. Something like “I’m very sorry, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I just don’t think we’re right together.” Full stop. This. Exactly this. Do not bargain or negotiate. That won’t help him. If he’s even half as nice as you say he is, he deserves someone who loves him with all her heart, don’t you think? Also, I think this is _not_ easy and I do not see anything wrong with getting someone advice and support from us good random folks on this internet - doesn’t amount to attention whoring in my book. I know this because I’ve done it myself. 😉 So. You’ve decided what you (don’t) want - now go and take a that step. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/57 "2012-02-24T15:21:28Z")
You want kids? It sounds like you’re dating one. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/58 "2012-02-24T15:23:00Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > It’s obvious this guy is not going to be emotionally or financially ready to get married or have kids any time in the near future. Sounds like you guys have different priorities. That’s a good enough reason to breakup. Not that you really need a reason. > (You might also want to look for Zsofia’s posts about her ex boyfriend that she broke up with after many years together. For some reason this guy reminds me of that guy). > > I think you need to decide how much importance you place on having biological kids and let that be your guide for what to do next. > If having kids is something that is crucial to you, then I probably would have a serious conversation with your ob/gyn about fertility (here’s an article that gives an overview about age related fertility and how it can be looked at : [http://www.donorivf.com/agefactor.html](http://www.donorivf.com/agefactor.html) ). I’d also seriously consider looking into the pros and cons of using a sperm donor vs. trying to find the “right guy”. > Clearly being a single mom by choice has its struggles, but unfortunately I think you are at high risk for settling for an unhealthy relationship if you feel like you’re in a hurry to have kids. > > I do have a vague memory of you posting about the end of the 9 year relationship here. If I recall correctly, that was a long, drawn out messy situation where there were multiple breakups and so forth. It sounds like Greg could end up turning out the same way (your comment about how things might have been different if the job had come sooner makes it sound like you still have some hope that maybe he’d give things another chance now that you have the job). It sounds like letting go is hard for you, but the more time you spend on a slowly dying relationship the less time you have to find the right person. > > Another issue is that it sounds like you’ve never really had time to get used to being single as an adult. It sounds like you went from one very serious relationship to the next pretty quickly. Maybe it would not be such a bad idea to take a break from that and just take some time dating different guys casually. > > If you can picture yourself being happy with adopted children or stepchildren instead of bio kids, then I would even more strongly encourage taking things easy, try dating casually, and not feeling like there’s any rush. Single life is not necessarily scary or sad. It can be a lot of fun, and it’s an awesome feeling when you realize you don’t actually need anyone else but choose to be with them because of what they have to offer. Thank you, **lavenderviolet**. I like what you said about how we have different priorities and that’s enough. Although I think in his mind, he probably thinks that is what he wants (settling down), he just doesn’t realize that he does not have the ways or means to do it now or any time soon. That is kind of what I am worried about him saying. He may protest, saying, but that is what I want! And then I may have to explain, yeah that may be what you want but there’s no way you could do it anytime soon. Then I worry he may think I’m breaking up with him because he doesn’t make enough money, and make me the bad guy. But I digress, it really doesn’t matter. Regarding my fertility. Trust me, I am painfully aware of my age and the effect on my fertility. It’s an ever-present stress in my life. Although a lot of friends my age are having babies right now, and even people I know who are older. I do really want a biological child, but I want that child to have a dad. Although if a couple of years pass and I can’t find anyone, I would not be opposed to taking the sperm donor route. Or maybe seeing if a gay friend wants to be a dad! 😉 Regarding time to be on my own. I have been on my own before. There was a period of about 2 years where I was single, between 9-year-guy and 7-year-guy. It had its ups and downs. I guess now I am feeling the urgency to stay in the game because of the fertility thing. And yeah, with both guys, there were multiple breakups involved. Although with 9-year guy, we are good friends now. We were so young, and it was so long ago, and we keep in touch. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/59 "2012-02-24T15:26:46Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > This. Exactly this. > > Do not bargain or negotiate. That won’t help him. If he’s even half as nice as you say he is, he deserves someone who loves him with all her heart, don’t you think? > > Also, I think this is _not_ easy and I do not see anything wrong with getting someone advice and support from us good random folks on this internet - doesn’t amount to attention whoring in my book. I know this because I’ve done it myself. 😉 > > So. You’ve decided what you (don’t) want - now go and take a that step. Thanks **Pookah** , this really helps. > [@SmellMyWort](#): > > You want kids? It sounds like you’re dating one. LOL, yes you are right, very well put. I will keep repeating this in my head as I do the deed. By the way, it may be a few days before I can have the talk, because I want to do it in person (right? I shouldn’t do it on the phone, right?) ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/60 "2012-02-24T15:32:25Z")
Just as an aside, out of curiosity, I just wanted to get some feedback from y’all on the one point in my OP: > [@](#): > > He also has a questionable relationship background. Before dating me, his only long term girlfriend was a girl he met online and dated long-distance for 3 years. They NEVER met IRL. Never once met, even though she lived only a few states away. It’s so strange. Am I alone in thinking this is weird? This is weird, right? I tried to be open-minded about it at first but it does bug me. Any opinions? Some more background, during this time he didn’t date anyone else, and the girl apparently was controlling and jealous and got really upset when he would even go out with his friends, so eventually he just stopped hanging out with his friends altogether. And he said he tried to arrange to travel to meet her many times, but that she always had some excuse as to why she could not. The whole thing makes him look like a big wimp, which is a big turnoff. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745.md?page=4)