# Dopers, I need your relationship advice! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 23, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745 "2012-02-23T16:54:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/61 "2012-02-24T15:36:31Z")
Have you broken up with him yet? This is another 24 hours in your life with the wrong man. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/62 "2012-02-24T15:52:57Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > Just as an aside, out of curiosity, I just wanted to get some feedback from y’all on the one point in my OP: > > Am I alone in thinking this is weird? This is weird, right? I tried to be open-minded about it at first but it does bug me. Any opinions? > > Some more background, during this time he didn’t date anyone else, and the girl apparently was controlling and jealous and got really upset when he would even go out with his friends, so eventually he just stopped hanging out with his friends altogether. And he said he tried to arrange to travel to meet her many times, but that she always had some excuse as to why she could not. The whole thing makes him look like a big wimp, which is a big turnoff. I know I am not alone in the mindset that claiming a LTR with someone they have never met in person is kinda delusional. Having met hundreds of women (in person) from personal ads over the years, I have had dozens of times where things that sounded very promising on the phone turned out very disappointing in person. IME the folks who dodge meets like this are married or otherwise unavailable. I try to stick with local folks (like 15 mile radius) in part for this very reason. Meets can be quick and painless. It really sucks to spend a couple months of your life chatting up someone only to meet, take one look at eac other and both of you kinda go “nope, not gonna happen”. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/63 "2012-02-24T15:57:18Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Have you broken up with him yet? This is another 24 hours in your life with the wrong man. I won’t get to see him for a few days. I’m thinking I should do this in person. Am I right? In the meantime, it’s a bit painful to keep up the act via text (we text a lot, and I figure if I just stop texting that would be mean and weird). ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/64 "2012-02-24T16:00:30Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > I won’t get to see him for a few days. I’m thinking I should do this in person. Am I right? In the meantime, it’s a bit painful to keep up the act via text (we text a lot, and I figure if I just stop texting that would be mean and weird). Keeping up the act is mean and weird too. Dopers, what do you say? Can she dump him via phone? Do you have stuff at his house you need to get? Can’t you tell him you need to see him sooner? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/65 "2012-02-24T16:17:59Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Keeping up the act is mean and weird too. Dopers, what do you say? Can she dump him via phone? Do you have stuff at his house you need to get? Can’t you tell him you need to see him sooner? I agree with Alice that she is dragging this out and creating drama for herself. If you don’t have things at his house, do it on the phone and be done with it. If you have to get your things or give some of his back, do it person. Just do it soon and be absolutely direct and leave no room for misinterpretation. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/66 "2012-02-24T16:47:48Z")
I will see if I can see him sooner. It might not be until Sunday night because he works weekends. Also, no I don’t have stuff at his house, nor vice versa. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/67 "2012-02-24T17:01:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Before dating me, his only long term girlfriend was a girl he met online and dated long-distance for 3 years. They NEVER met IRL. Never once met, even though she lived only a few states away. It’s so strange. > [@](#): > > Am I alone in thinking this is weird? This is weird, right? I tried to be open-minded about it at first but it does bug me. Any opinions? > > Some more background, during this time he didn’t date anyone else, and the girl apparently was controlling and jealous and got really upset when he would even go out with his friends, so eventually he just stopped hanging out with his friends altogether. Strikes me as exceedingly strange. I can’t imagine keeping the relationship up for 3 years without meeting, nor cutting off my friends for it. Hell, I wouldn’t forgo my friends for someone physically present – to do that for someone whom I’ve never seen, and who has never seen my friends, is just too bizarre to contemplate. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/68 "2012-02-24T17:32:45Z")
> [@Green\_Cymbeline](#): > > I will see if I can see him sooner. It might not be until Sunday night because he works weekends. > > Also, no I don’t have stuff at his house, nor vice versa. Then call him today. NOW. And break it off. How cruel you are being, to let him keep thinking you are an item, when you’ve already decided in your heart! Then block his number and don’t call him back for at least four weeks. Don’t take his calls or anything. You need that time. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/69 "2012-02-24T17:44:48Z")
Or text him, “We need to talk.” Most people understand that this is code for, “I need to tell you that I’m dumping you.” 🙂 As for the long-term thing, I absolutely agree with **drachillix** - when you get to know someone online, you need to meet fairly quickly to see if you really do have any potential together. I wouldn’t rule someone out because they had never had a serious relationship before, but a ltr where they never met isn’t really an honest-to-God relationship because so much is missing from it. Her not meeting him at all, plus being jealous because he was going out with his friends? That actually does sound kind of wimpy - the correct response to that is, “Well, you aren’t here, so I am going out with my friends. Sorry that you don’t like it.” ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/70 "2012-02-24T17:49:23Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I don’t get the drama that you seem to be creating for yourself. Whoops! _Someone_ forgot to take her self-awareness pills this morning! ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/71 "2012-02-24T17:54:53Z")
For breaking it off- no codes. Be straight forward. It’s gonna suck for him no matter what, so you might as well get it over with quick. Also- don’t tell him why. Just tell him it’s over (you can say something like “It’s just not working for me”). Don’t give him any hope whatsoever- false hope is far crueler than the truth. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/72 "2012-02-24T17:55:17Z")
Good Lord. The OP has more red flags than a May Day parade. Seriously? ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/73 "2012-02-24T17:56:25Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > For breaking it off- no codes. Be straight forward. It’s gonna suck for him no matter what, so you might as well get it over with quick. > > Also- don’t tell him why. Just tell him it’s over (you can say something like “It’s just not working for me”). Don’t give him any hope whatsoever- false hope is far crueler than the truth. Yeah I’ve always found that giving reasons why you’re breaking up tends to prolong the conversation, making it more difficult for the dumper and more painful for the dumpee. You’ll be stymied by, “But I can change that!” over and over again. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/74 "2012-02-24T18:56:34Z")
It’s okay to hang on to a job or a car if you can’t find something better. It’s not okay to hang on to a person. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/75 "2012-02-24T19:04:20Z")
I disagree about the “On the phone” thing. I think you should make the effort to see him as soon as possible though. ---
**Author:** ![Gukumatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/74df32/32.png) [@Gukumatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gukumatz)\ **Post date:** [February 24, 2012, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/76 "2012-02-24T19:08:31Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > Whoops! _Someone_ forgot to take her self-awareness pills this morning! Let up on the snark, **Kimmy\_Gibler**. - Gukumatz, IMHO Moderator ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/77 "2012-02-25T20:17:06Z")
Yes, OP, you should break up with him. Doing it in person is the only decent way to do it. Try to see him as soon as possible but I don’t think you’re being cruel for waiting until you see him. ---
**Author:** ![Sarabellum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarabellum/32/3492_2.png) [@Sarabellum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarabellum)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2012, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/78 "2012-02-27T17:33:55Z")
Well, how did it go? Inquiring minds (read: nosy people) want to know. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2012, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/79 "2012-02-27T18:46:16Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Yeah I’ve always found that giving reasons why you’re breaking up tends to prolong the conversation, making it more difficult for the dumper and more painful for the dumpee. You’ll be stymied by, “But I can change that!” over and over again. Man, I wish I’d know that before I had to do my first breakup. Gave the poor, delusional guy waaay too much hope. Shoulda done it quicker and cleaner - I made everything more difficult for both of us in a misguided attempt to soften the blow. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2012, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745/80 "2012-02-27T21:40:59Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > (You might also want to look for Zsofia’s posts about her ex boyfriend that she broke up with after many years together. For some reason this guy reminds me of that guy). I just happened to be reading this, actually. Breaking up with my ex SUCKED. Seriously, I still feel super-shitty about it. I wish to hell we could still be friends, but he took it so damned hard. I miss the friend stuff, but I do _not_ miss anything else. It’s okay to mourn it - we had some great things between us. What I have with my fiance now is a lot better in most ways - more mature, more lasting, more positive, definitely healthier, but it doesn’t negate my previous relationship. On the other hand, breaking up with him was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dopers-i-need-your-relationship-advice/613745.md?page=5)